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The sounds of sobs, including mine, filled the group home meeting room after I shared the news that Chad had been shot and

hadn’t recovered from his injuries. Normally this quasi–meeting/living room was filled with laughter while the boys played

card games or watched Star Trek or Lassie .

I’d debated the best way to tell them the news, but eventually I handled it the way I always have: I opened my mouth and told

them the truth. Although blurting it out might seem cold and uncaring, I’d found that when it came to telling the boys bad

news, the best course of action was to spit it out. And there was no way to soften the blow of this particular news.

At first Pee Wee stared at me as if he didn’t understand. When the full impact of my words hit him, he began to cry the most

bitter tears I’d ever seen from him. He cried harder than he did when I’d told him about his mother’s death. It was heartbreaking

to see him this inconsolable.

I was shocked that the news of Chad’s death even affected the new boys who’d never met him. Charlie, who was being comforted by David Snell, the houseparent who also served as a youth pastor, was shedding tears, and his cousin, Darren, looked sad and stoic. Maybe it all hit too close to home. Maybe they were moved by the obvious pain the news caused their new friend Pee Wee. Whatever the case, from the houseparents to the boys to me, we were a group mourning the loss of someone we cared about, and the pain in the room was almost suffocating. At first I stayed quiet and let everyone handle their grief in their own way, but as time went on, I needed to step in and help everyone get a handle on how we were processing our thoughts and feelings. I didn’t want the boys to become sick because they were so overwrought, and I could tell they were feeding off each other’s emotions.

I cleared my throat, checking my own emotions as I held tightly to Pee Wee, who was still sobbing in my arms. Jason sat on

the couch with us, his face drenched with tears and his hand on Pee Wee’s back.

I asked David to say a prayer. After the suicide attempt by one of our residents last year, David had offered up such a cleansing

and healing prayer that Mrs. Kennedy said, “That boy prays like an old Negro deacon on the last night of a revival meeting.” I’d laughed at her words, and right now we needed David to summon up that same fervor. We stood in a circle and held hands.

“Heavenly Father, we are confused and hurt and a little bit lost right now,” David prayed, his pale face also covered with tears. “But we are believing in Your infinite wisdom, that through this and all of life’s heartaches and heartbreaks, You are in control, and You make no mistakes. We ask that You give each of us the peace of mind necessary to deal with the loss of our dear brother Chad. Please.”

The sobbing and crying continued. We were all drowning in grief. Once David finished the prayer and everyone choked out an

“Amen,” I asked him and Mr. Grambling to take Darren and Charlie to their room and talk to them one-on-one. After everyone

else left the room, only Jason, Pee Wee, and I remained. I took deep, cleansing breaths.

“Pee Wee,” I said, lifting his chin to make eye contact with him. “I know you’re hurting right now, and I wish you’d talk

to Mr. Jason and me and let us know what emotions are the strongest so maybe we can unpack those feelings and help you to

begin the very difficult process of healing.” My words sounded like a textbook. But in that moment, that’s what we needed.

At first Pee Wee shook his head back and forth, the sobs continuing to rack his body. Even though he was a hardy eater, he

was still small, almost frail. With every shake and tremble, it felt as if he might shatter into even tinier pieces.

“I know this isn’t easy, Pee Wee,” I said, continuing to rub his back. “This isn’t easy for any of us. But we have to be able

to talk through our feelings. Please. Will you try for me and Mr. Jason?”

“Mad,” he managed to rip out of his throat. “I’m m-m-mad. H-h-he said he w-w-would n-n-never leave me. He j-j-just l-l-like

everybody else. E-e-everybody always l-l-leave me.”

I looked at Jason and nodded at him. I wanted him to take charge of this moment. I’d dealt with the boys’ grief at this group home for nearly ten years, and if you counted my years helping my brothers, for over twenty years. It felt like my entire life had been devoted to helping others overcome their sadness. I was used to it, but Jason wasn’t, and as hard as it was for me to relinquish control, I knew Jason needed to step up. As my assistant, I wanted Jason to be able to manage his own sadness and devastation while also dealing with the boys’ emotions. I knew he said he didn’t want to take over as director if they let me go, but I knew, even if he didn’t yet, that this job was meant for him, and I wanted him to be ready if the offer came.

Jason looked at me and nodded, showing me that he understood my unspoken request.

He took Pee Wee’s hands in his. Without prompting, Pee Wee began taking several deep breaths along with Jason, both of them

closing their eyes. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply along with them. I was certain that David and Mr. Grambling were

doing the same with the boys in their care.

The boys in the group home knew that when any of the houseparents, Jason, or I held their hands, it meant that we wanted them

to take a breath. To focus. To calm down. After a few minutes of deep breathing, Pee Wee stopped crying. He was still upset,

but he was in control of his emotions enough to carry on a conversation. The same was true for Jason. He’d needed those cleansing

breaths as much as Pee Wee did. Me, too, for that matter.

Finally, Jason spoke. There was a slight quiver in his voice, but he was in control, and that was what mattered.

“I understand that you’re angry, Pee Wee. I’m angry too,” he said.

Pee Wee looked at Jason with surprise. “Wh-wh-why are you m-m-mad, Mr. J-J-Jason?”

“I’m angry because we couldn’t protect Chad. I’m angry someone would hurt Chad in such an awful way. I’m angry because none

of this is fair,” Jason said, tears flowing down his face. I appreciated that Jason wasn’t afraid to show his emotions in

front of the boys. They needed to know that even though they would someday be men, it was never wrong to show emotions. My

goal was always to encourage them to feel their feelings but also to figure out how to harness those emotions into something

that would ultimately serve them in a positive way.

“I’m m-m-mad because someone h-h-hurt Ch-Ch-Chad too.” Pee Wee turned and looked at me. “A-a-are you m-m-mad, Miss K-K-Katia?”

I nodded and wiped away a tear. “Yes, Pee Wee. I’m terribly angry. I’m angry because Chad is no longer with us. Like Mr. Jason,

I’m angry that someone hurt Chad. I’m angry with myself for not protecting Chad and keeping him safe.”

“I don’t w-w-want to go to another f-f-funeral,” he whispered. “Are y-y-you m-m-mad at me?”

I placed my hands on the sides of his face so he could look into my eyes and know that I spoke the truth. “No, Pee Wee. I’m

not angry with you.”

“You don’t have to,” Jason said. “No one has to go.”

“Does th-th-that make me a b-b-bad friend?” Pee Wee asked.

“Absolutely not. The friendship you and Chad shared is deeper than any funeral. You don’t have to go, and you don’t have to feel bad about not going,” I said.

Relief softened his face. “Can w-w-we watch St-St-Star Trek t-t-tonight?”

I nodded and smiled. “I think Chad would like that. Let’s go check on the other boys and see if dinner is ready.”

We all stood, but before Pee Wee left the room, he turned back to me and hugged me. “You’re b-b-better than a m-m-mama, Miss

Katia.”

I was thankful that he ran off without seeing my face. The pain from those words almost made me buckle. Jason grabbed me around

my waist. I couldn’t stop the flood of tears.

“They carry too much,” I managed to gasp, my tears once again threatening to overpower me. “They carry too damn much, and

I don’t know how to fix it.”

“I know,” Jason muttered. We embraced, holding on like we were each other’s lifeline, and in that moment, we were.

“Thank you for everything you do, Jason,” I said. “You are an amazing assistant director. On days like this, I couldn’t do

this without you.”

He smiled. “That means a lot, Miss Katia. Thank you.”

I patted his arm. “I’ll go and make sure supper is ready. You go check on the boys and the houseparents. Tell the houseparents

that I’d love for them to stay for dinner tonight if they can. I think it will do the boys good to see us all here as a united

front.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said and hurried away to locate everyone. Meanwhile, I made my way to the kitchen that, as always, smelled like a little piece of heaven. If my nose was telling me the truth, we were having Chad’s favorite meal: spaghetti and fried catfish. Mrs. Kennedy and Miss Grant turned around when I entered.

“Chad would be very pleased with this meal,” I said, smiling through the tears. I wondered when I’d get back to a place where

I wasn’t shedding tears every single day.

Mrs. Kennedy smiled back. “Theresa and I wanted to make sure we did our part to honor our boy. We got a chocolate cake over

there on the counter, and I made a huge pitcher of peach iced tea. All of Chad’s favorites.”

“Thank you, ladies,” I said. “I’ll go and make sure the table is set.”

When I got to the dining room, the boys were busy setting the table together. The houseparents were gathered around the room,

watching. I went to each of them and squeezed their hands. I hoped they knew how much they meant to me. Then I walked to my

office and called home. I told Mama that I’d most likely stay at the group home tonight. I just wanted to make sure the boys

would be okay.

“I figured as much,” she said. “You and them boys take care of yourself tonight. Me and Marcus already said we was gone watch

Star Trek tonight in honor of Chad. We remembered how much he loved that show.”

“Thank you, Mama,” I said. Mama went silent for a moment, and I worried that something else had happened. “What’s wrong, Mama?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly. “Nothing is wrong. I just... Well, Leon came by and I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner and watch some television, but if...”

“I’m fine with it, Mama,” I said. And I truly was. “I have no feelings about Leon. I don’t want you or him to feel awkward

about anything. If you and he have designs on each other, please, Mama, act on them.”

Mama sighed. “I just want you to have a little happiness yourself, baby. And the last thing I ever want to do is cause you

any more heartbreak in this life.”

“What is it you used to tell me when I’d get sad when I was a little girl? Do you remember?”

Mama didn’t hesitate. “I’d say, ‘Your happy is right around the corner.’”

I smiled, though it wasn’t a happy smile. “My happy is around the corner, Mama, but your happy can be right now. And your

happy feeds my happy, so enjoy your dinner and your TV. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Mama said goodbye and I returned to the dining room, where everyone was still seated. When I walked in, all of the men and

boys rose from their chairs. Even Darren and Charlie stood. I sat down while Charlie and Pee Wee went to the kitchen to help

bring in the food. Pee Wee and Chad used to have Friday dinner duty. It was nice that Pee Wee and Charlie were working together

tonight. I watched as everyone dug in. The boys’ laughter was subdued, but they did laugh, and it sounded like a beautiful

symphony. I still wasn’t hungry and Pee Wee, who was sitting beside me, noticed.

“Just eat s-s-something, Miss K-K-Katia,” he leaned over and whispered. “It will m-m-make you feel b-b-better.”

I smiled at him. Those were my words coming out of his mouth. These boys didn’t miss a beat. I picked up my fork. “You’re right. And it would be rude of me not to enjoy this phenomenal meal prepared by Mrs. Kennedy and Miss Grant.”

“And if you e-e-eat all of your f-f-food, you get d-d-dessert,” he whispered with a twinkle in his eye.

“You’re right,” I said. “And I definitely want some of Mrs. Kennedy’s chocolate cake.”

I took a few bites and he smiled. Then he turned his attention back to Charlie. I listened as the two of them discussed tonight’s

upcoming episode of Star Trek .

“This e-e-episode is c-c-called ‘Friday’s Ch-Ch-Child,’” Pee Wee said.

“How you know that?” Charlie asked.

“ TV G-G-Guide ,” Pee Wee said. “We always l-l-look up sh-sh-shows before th-th-they come on. Ch-Ch-Chad liked to...” He stopped. I looked

over and saw his bottom lip quivering. I reached over and put my hand on his.

“It’s okay,” I said. I tried to smile. “Chad loved checking the listings in the TV Guide every week so he and Pee Wee could make a case for watching various shows. Isn’t that right, Pee Wee?”

Pee Wee looked at me and nodded. “Yes, m-m-ma’am.”

“One day we’ll be able to talk about Chad and smile for real. I promise.” Right now, that seemed unlikely, even to me. But

I needed to give these boys something to hang on to. I needed them to believe that somehow we’d be able to have fond memories

of Chad that didn’t cause us to erupt into tears. That day wasn’t today, but I hoped and prayed it would be sooner rather

than later.

Once everyone was done eating, the boys worked together to clean up the dining room. They talked in hushed tones as the staff and I went into the meeting room.

“Thank you, everyone. I know this has been a difficult day for all of us,” I said. “I’m going to stay over tonight so, other

than Jason and David, you’re free to go. You’re welcome to stay and watch Star Trek if you want. We’re going to keep the evening as lighthearted as possible.”

The others lingered for a little while, but soon it was just Jason, David, the boys, and me. I decided to go to my office

and call my cousin Alicia. I needed to talk to someone I could be vulnerable and open with and not feel guilty about it. Her

husband, Curtis, said she hadn’t been feeling well and was sleeping. I told him to tell her I’d call the next day.

I looked at the clock. It was almost time for Star Trek . By now, Seth was done with his meeting with the men at the church. I’d asked Marcus if he wanted to attend the meeting tonight

and he’d said next time. I tried not to let myself worry about him too. Impossible. Before I had time to second-guess myself,

I dialed Seth’s home number. After a couple of rings, a woman answered.

“Hello. Taylor residence,” she said. I assumed it was Seth’s mother, although her voice sounded extremely youthful.

“Hello. Is this Mrs. Taylor?” I asked.

“It depends on which Mrs. Taylor you are trying to reach,” she said pleasantly. “This is Denise Taylor. How might I help you?”

My mind wouldn’t allow me to process what it meant for Denise to be at his house. I mumbled something, apologized, then hung

up the phone.

For the longest time, I sat at my desk, mentally replaying the idea that Denise was back in town, and this could only mean one thing: she was back to reclaim what was hers. Eventually I went and sat on the couch in my office. I didn’t feel like going to the room where everybody was watching the show, but I also didn’t feel like going to bed, so I just sat. I didn’t realize how much time had passed when I heard a light rapping on my door.

I cleared my throat. “Come in.”

It was Pee Wee. He walked over to me, putting his arms around my neck. “ Star Trek is o-o-over.”

“Well, did Captain Kirk and the crew save the universe?” I listened patiently as he told me all about the episode. I tried

hard to focus on what he was saying—not on my feelings concerning Denise being in town.

“Not the u-u-universe, but they s-s-saved a b-b-baby, and guess what the m-m-mama named him?” he asked.

“I wouldn’t even be able to guess.” I smiled, knowing he wanted to tell me anyway.

“Leonard J-J-James Ak-Ak-Akaar,” he said with excitement. “He g-g-got his name from C-C-Captain Kirk and D-D-Dr. McCoy. His

m-m-mama named h-h-him.”

“They must have done something really nice for her to name her baby after them,” I said as Pee Wee sat on the couch beside

me.

“D-D-Dr. McCoy helped h-h-her. I think she w-w-wanted to be n-n-nice.” Pee Wee laid his head on my shoulder. “You’ve been

cr-cr-crying again. H-h-haven’t you?”

“Some,” I said. “What about you?”

“S-S-Some,” he admitted. “I d-d-don’t want anything t-t-to happen t-t-to you, Miss K-K-Katia.”

“I know.” I wasn’t going to make promises about something I had no control over: life and death. Instead, I hugged him. “Why

don’t we focus on making sure we always tell the people we care about that we love them? That is the best and greatest gift

we can give to each other.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“It’s time for you to go and get ready for bed.”

“I’m sc-sc-scared,” he whispered.

I hugged him even tighter. “I’m going to be here all night. Mr. Jason and Mr. David are going to be here too.”

Pee Wee didn’t say anything at first. But after a long pause, he said words that almost broke my heart. “I’m n-n-not worried

about m-m-me.”

I sighed. I didn’t want him to be afraid that someone else he cared about might die, but I couldn’t, in good conscience, promise

him that his heart might not get broken again. At the end of the day, none of us could predict the day or the hour of our

last breath here on earth. Gran used to say the challenge of growing older was saying goodbye to so many people she’d loved

along the way.

“Pee Wee, I wish I could calm all of your fears, but I can’t. But I will say this: no matter what, you are loved and cherished,

and God willing, I’ll be on this planet for a long, long time so I can remind you of that fact often. Okay?”

He nodded. “Yes, ma’am.” He got up from the couch and turned to leave but then stopped.

“Would you like me to walk you upstairs?”

“Yes.”

He offered me his hand, and I pulled myself up from the couch. “Let’s go.”

I prayed that this wouldn’t be another long, sleepless night. I prayed we’d all find a way to sleep. I prayed my thoughts

wouldn’t drift back to the phone call I’d made to Seth’s house. My already crowded brain didn’t need any more turmoil.