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I went back outside to the pay phone and called the group home, telling them what happened. Jason was nearly inconsolable.

I was relieved the boys were at school, because he needed the time to gather himself. We needed the time to gather ourselves. I told him I’d drive straight there so we could tell Pee Wee together. After I finished

talking to Jason, I called Mrs. Hendricks from the board. I didn’t want to talk to Sam. She said how sorry she was and that

she would let the rest of the board members know what happened. I knew I would have to speak to Sam eventually, but I just

didn’t have it in me now. After that call, I dialed the number to Chad’s caseworker. As usual, she was efficient with her

words. No sorrow. No pain. Just iciness. Maybe people like her were needed in jobs like this. Maybe they’re the ones who are

better suited to simply do the work and stay detached.

“I am very sorry to hear that Chad passed away,” she said, but there was no true sorriness in her voice. I imagined that once the phone call ended, she’d have Chad’s case closed out before her first morning coffee break. “I will be in touch if I need any additional information from you.” Before I could respond, she hung up the phone.

I went back inside the hospital and asked to see Chad. One of the nurses said he was in a private room, where I could go be

with him. She guided me down the hallway and was courteous enough to leave us alone. It was a nice space. I imagined other

families had been in this room with their loved ones. It was dimly lit and peaceful. They had removed the wires and tubes

and had washed him clean. He looked like he was taking a nap. I sat down beside him and took his hand and kissed it.

“You are going to love it on the other side, Chad.” I stroked his hand as the tears rolled down my cheeks, falling onto the

crisp, white sheet that covered him from his feet to his neck. “My daddy and gran are going to love you and spoil you like

you will not believe. I’m so sorry that no one on this side of life could be what you needed us to be. I’ll never forget the

day you said you wished I was your mom. Just know that in my heart, you were mine. I love you. And I release you.”

For the next two hours, I sat talking softly to Chad, sharing the good memories I had of him. Promising that I’d look after

his best friend, Pee Wee. If Chad’s spirit was lingering, I wanted him to know his existence mattered to me and that he was

loved.

When it felt as if my heart might burst from grief, Mr. Clemmons from the funeral home that had handled Pee Wee’s mother’s body arrived. I gave Chad one final kiss on his now cool forehead and watched as Mr. Clemmons and an assistant moved him to a gurney and wheeled him out of the room. I tried not to think about the fact that the next time I’d see him he would be inside a casket, stiff and absent from his body.

After they left, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Once again I needed to hear Mama’s voice. One of the nurses insisted

that I use the office of one of the RNs who was away today. I was grateful not to have to go back outside to the pay phone.

I dialed home, and Mama picked up so fast I figured she’d been waiting by the phone.

“Oh, baby,” she said with tenderness when I told her about Chad. Her words and tone caused me to start crying all over again.

“Bless his sweet heart. He’s with God. God’s got him, baby.”

I didn’t expect to feel a rush of anger at her words, but I was almost consumed with rage. How dare God take yet another person

I cared about? Losing Daddy had been hard and losing Gran had been expected but still difficult. But this death... This

was too much. I wasn’t sure where I was going to be able to store this grief and rage over losing Chad. I wanted to lash out

at someone—maybe even Mama—yet I didn’t. Her words came from a good place, and she was only trying to comfort me.

Mama asked me if I wanted someone to come and bring me home. I reassured her that I could make the drive back to Troy by myself.

I needed that time alone in the truck, but more importantly, I didn’t want to leave Daddy’s truck behind here in Tuskegee.

“I’ll be okay, Mama,” I said. Before she hung up, Marcus got on the phone.

“Big sis, I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice gruff with emotions. “Those boys have a way of connecting with your heart. Chad will be greatly missed. I love you.”

Marcus was still battling his own demons as he worried continuously about Aaron, so his acknowledging my grief meant a lot

to me.

“Thank you, Marcus,” I said, wiping away tears. “I appreciate your love so much. I’ll see you later.”

I hung up the phone and went back into the hallway. Several of the nurses who had tended to Chad were waiting outside the

office for me. One by one, each of them hugged me and whispered kind words.

“We are so sorry for your loss,” the head nurse on duty said, taking my hands and squeezing them. I nodded and smiled at her,

the tears streaming down both of our faces.

“Thank you,” I said, the only words I could manage.

“You take care of yourself, Miss Daniels,” she said, giving me a hug. For a moment, we stood in this embrace. I knew that,

like me, she’d seen her fair share of Black boys and men dead at such young ages. Our boys and men seemed to be on a trajectory

of leaving this earth well before their time.

Once we finished our goodbyes, I went outside to my truck. The finality of it all hit me hard.

I started the truck and turned the radio to my favorite station, WRMA. The disc jockey, Ellis Ford, was on the air, playing a favorite Nina Simone song of mine, “Willow Weep for Me.” I cried and sang along with her as I drove out of the hospital parking lot. The words hit particularly hard today. I imagined the willow weeping extra hard for Chad, and like the song said, I wished I could be covered by it—covered by something, anything. I felt vulnerable and exposed, and as the song ended, I was crying so hard I had to pull the truck to the side of the road. My sobs were violent. I thought about Pee Wee and how much this would hurt him. I felt like an absolute failure, and even though a part of me understood this wasn’t my fault, I didn’t know how else to feel at this moment.

After a while, I collected myself and I got back on the road. It felt like every tune on the radio was a sad song that prompted

me to shed more tears. It was like Ellis Ford knew my mood, and the playlist reflected that. From “The Tracks of My Tears”

by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles to “Ev’ry Time We Say Goodbye” by Ella Fitzgerald, I felt like my emotions were playing

out on the radio. I barely paid attention to the roads and was thankful I didn’t pass many cars along the way. I didn’t feel

as if I was as present as a driver should be.

I made it back to the group home around two o’clock, which gave me just enough time to pull the houseparents, Jason, and the

kitchen staff together in our meeting room so we could begin to process everything before Jason went to the school to pick

up the boys.

I looked from one tearstained face to the next. I would have loved to say Chad didn’t suffer, but I didn’t know that to be true, and I would not lie to them. I wanted to throw my arms around each person, mixing my tears with theirs, but I had to show strength. We still had a group home to run, and I couldn’t give in to my hurt and pain. There would be time later for more of my tears, but my staff needed me to be their fearless leader. “We all loved Chad, and we’re all hurting something awful right now, but we have to be strong for the other boys, especially Pee Wee and the new boys. They’ve grown fond of Pee Wee and it will hurt them to see his pain.”

Jason put his head in his hands and sobbed. Mrs. Kennedy, our resident grandmother from the kitchen staff, reached over and

pulled him into her arms. Hurt filled the room, and I felt responsible for all of it.

“I’m going to go pick up the boys,” I said. “You all take care of each other, and when I get back we’ll bring them together

and tell them about Chad.”

It was still a bit early for me to pick up the boys from school, but I was overwhelmed and needed to escape the overpowering

grief. I walked over to Jason and squeezed his shoulder. Before I burst into tears, I rushed out of the room and ran right

into Seth. I tried to rush past him, but he pulled me into an embrace.

“I’m so sorry, Kat,” he said in a voice full of emotion.

I struggled in his arms, but he continued to hold me. I allowed one sob to escape from my throat, but I stopped myself before

it became a torrent of tears.

“I have to go get the boys,” I said, trying to sound firm even though all I wanted to do was stay in his arms. He stepped

back but kept his hands on my shoulders to steady me, which I was grateful for. I was exhausted and my knees felt as if they

might buckle.

“Let me go with you,” he said. “The guys are outside working. They’ll be fine while I go with you. Please. It will make me

feel better.”

“Okay,” I said.

He looked at me with surprise. “I didn’t expect you to say yes.”

“I don’t have a lot left in my emotional gas tank, Seth,” I said honestly. “So, I’m not going to argue.”

“Do you mind if I drive you then?”

I shook my head, handing him the van keys. “I appreciate your kindness.”

“I’m not just being kind, Kat,” he said in a quiet voice as he led me out the door. “Let me go talk to the guys and I’ll meet

you at the van.”

Somehow I had to find energy to deal with the boys’ emotions, especially Pee Wee’s. I squeezed Seth’s hand and then went over

to the van, which was parked near the front fence. Once I climbed inside, I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. I could

feel a slight headache forming behind my eyes, but I was determined not to give in to the dull ache. I reached inside my purse

and took out a BC Powder. I normally would take the BC with a Coke, but I didn’t have anything to drink in the van. So I opened

the package and took the BC dry. It tasted horrible, but within seconds the bitter powder began to work. I felt the tension

in my head begin to melt away just as Seth joined me in the van.

“Are you going to be okay, Kat?” he asked as he put his hand on my shoulder.

“I don’t have a choice but to be okay, Seth,” I said, keeping my voice calm. “I’m the person in charge. I have to make sure

everyone else is okay. Even if it means I’m not.”

“You don’t have to be okay with me,” he said, so solemn and earnest. “You can be as vulnerable as you need to be. I know this is a lot. You shouldn’t have had to go through this alone.”

“Thank you. I appreciate the kindness you have shown me.”

“Again, it’s not just kindness, Kat—I care about you.”

“We should go. I don’t want the boys to have to wait around for me to show up.”

He looked at me one more time, then cranked up the van and eased onto the road. I closed my eyes and didn’t even realize I’d

dozed off until I felt a gentle touch on my arm. I sat up straight in my seat.

“We’re at the school, Kat,” he said. I glanced down at my watch. It would be another fifteen minutes before the boys rushed

out to the van. I was glad for that time. I didn’t want the boys to see me in tears. “Do you want to talk, or would you rather

have some quiet time?”

“Quiet time,” I said and closed my eyes again. The only thing I planned to give energy to today was the boys. Before long

I heard the laughter of children. I opened my eyes just as Pee Wee and the other boys hurried toward the van. I got out and

Pee Wee ran to my arms.

“H-h-hi, Miss K-K-Katia. I m-m-missed you.” His thin arms around my waist felt good. He didn’t know how much his innocent

affection was soothing my broken heart.

“Hello, Pee Wee. Hello, Darren and Charlie. Did you boys have a good day?” I swallowed the lump trying to form in my throat and watched as Seth got out of the van and greeted the boys too. He instructed them to put their things in the back, which allowed me a moment to gather myself. Darren and Charlie hung back, so I turned my attention to them. “Did you boys have a good day? I know this is a new school for you.”

“It was okay,” Darren said gruffly. As usual, Charlie let his cousin do the talking.

“Well, let’s get into the van and head back to the group home,” I said as the three of them climbed in and Seth helped me

into the passenger side.

Once we were all inside, Pee Wee leaned forward, resting his chin on my shoulder. “Where is M-M-Mr. Ja-Ja-Jason?”

I wasn’t ready to reveal the news about Chad, so I danced around the question. “I wanted to pick you boys up since I didn’t

get to see you off this morning. Is that okay?” I turned to look at Pee Wee.

“D-d-do we get to g-g-go to Dairy Qu-Qu-Queen today? We were all g-g-good at school,” Pee Wee said, hopefulness on his face.

“I like Dairy Queen,” Charlie said. I looked at the excited expression on his face. They had earned their Friday afternoon

ice cream.

“Absolutely,” I said. “We will go get ice cream.”

Pee Wee and Charlie smiled broadly. Darren didn’t look very excited, but he didn’t say no. I then looked at Seth. “Are you

okay to stop for ice cream?”

Seth smiled. “Absolutely. Let’s go to DQ.”

Before we left the school parking lot, I walked to the pay phone and called the group home to tell them I was taking the boys

for ice cream before bringing them back home. Mrs. Grambling answered the phone.

“That sounds good, Miss Katia,” she said. “I’m glad they’re getting a little bit of normalcy before we have to talk to them about Chad.”

“Me too,” I said. “How’s Jason?”

“He’s doing okay. Of course he’s still sad—we all are—but he’s gonna be alright. That news caught all of us off guard, but

we’re gonna support these boys and support you, Miss Katia.”

I thanked her and told her we wouldn’t be long.

The drive to Dairy Queen was noisy. The boys chattered on about their day at school and Seth joined them, allowing me to sit

and listen. It was nice hearing their enthusiasm. Even Darren admitted that he liked his math teacher. When we got to Dairy

Queen, Pee Wee hung back and took my hand.

“Miss K-K-Katia, do you th-th-think Ch-Ch-Chad might show u-u-up? He likes ice cr-cr-cream, and tonight is St-St-Star Tr-Tr-Trek . Maybe he’ll go back h-h-home with u-u-us.” I couldn’t speak, and so I just pulled him into a hug. “Y-y-you okay, Miss K-K-Katia?”

“Yes,” I managed to get out. “You hurry and catch up with the other boys. We don’t want them to get all of the ice cream.”

He didn’t need further encouragement to run and catch up with the boys. They went inside and Seth waited and held the door

open for me.

“You okay?” he asked.

I shook my head. He put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze. I followed the boys to the counter, where

they were already deciding what to order.

“I want a banana split with extra whipped cream,” Charlie said.

“M-m-me too,” Pee Wee said, then turned to look at me. “Can w-w-we order wh-wh-whatever we w-w-want?”

“Whatever you want,” I said with a smile.

I listened as each boy placed his order. I didn’t want any ice cream and evidently Seth didn’t either. I asked for a cup of

water instead. Thankfully, the boys didn’t notice. They took their orders and sat at a table in the back of the restaurant.

Seth and I sat a few tables away so we could keep an eye on them but still have a bit of separation.

“I’m so sorry that they’ll have to deal with so much grief later on today,” Seth said softly.

I took a sip of water. “Unfortunately, these boys are used to it. Their norm is pain and sadness. But I pray they don’t become

desensitized to the pain of loss. As much as I hate to see them have to suffer any more in their young lives, I pray that

they continue to feel emotions, both good and bad.”

Seth reached across the table and took my hand. I pulled it away.

“Seth, I can’t do this with you right now. I’m sorry.” I stood up and walked over to the boys’ table.

“We need to head back to the group home,” I said. “Make sure you clean up after yourselves.”

They took their plastic bowls and spoons and tossed them in the garbage. Darren went to the front and asked them for a damp

rag to wipe down the table. He cleaned the table, then took the rag back to the front. As we were preparing to leave, an elderly

white woman approached me and lightly touched my arm. I turned and looked at her. She had a huge smile on her face.

“I just wanted to say that you and your husband have some wonderful sons. They are so well-mannered. You are a very lucky woman,” she said.

“Thank you,” was all I could say. Her words stung in the worst way because what she said was so impossible in my mind, but

what I wouldn’t give for her words to be true.

As we walked outside, Pee Wee was checking out the parking lot. I had no doubt he was hoping to see Chad. When we were all

in the van again, I turned to the boys.

“Tell Mr. Seth thank you for picking you up from school and taking you out for ice cream,” I said. Each one of them said thank

you.

The drive to the group home was as lively as the drive to Dairy Queen had been. Before the boys could scatter, I told them

to go to the meeting room for an early group session. None of them questioned me, and when we pulled up, they jumped out of

the van and ran toward the house. I exited the van and slowly followed them, with Seth close behind me.

“Katia,” Seth called to me. I turned and waited. “Katia, I never want to do anything to make you feel overwhelmed. I know

you’re going through a lot right now. Can I at least be a friend? Will you accept that from me? Friendship?”

I thought about it and realized that a person can never have too many friends. And Seth had done nothing but try his best

to be that, especially today.

“Thank you, Seth,” I said as I touched his arm. “I gladly accept your offer of friendship. With all that is going on in my life, I definitely need it.” I turned around and looked toward the house. I needed to go support my boys and staff as we negotiated our way through this new grief. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“I’m just a phone call away if you need me,” he said.

I thanked him, took the van keys from him, then slowly walked toward the house, girding myself for what I was about to face.