18

“D-d-do I have to g-g-go look at h-h-her?” Pee Wee asked as he, Mama, and I drove toward Bethel Missionary Baptist Church,

where Pee Wee’s mother’s funeral would be held. Somehow we had managed to pull this together in just a couple of days. I glanced

over at Mama, who was dabbing at a tear. I’d told her that if this would be too much for her, she didn’t have to go, but she

said she was Pee Wee’s gran and she had to be there for him.

Everyone on staff would meet us there. I canceled the Thursday morning staff meeting so that all who wanted to attend could

attend. The other boys were in school, but I would not have brought them anyway. This day was all about Pee Wee. We wanted

him to feel as if he truly had a family to support him since Veronica’s family made it clear that they wouldn’t be attending.

Their callousness stunned me. I’d spoken to Veronica’s mother—Pee Wee’s grandmother—and the things she’d said horrified me.

“She laid down with that dirty Black dog and the fleas got her,” she said without a hint of emotion in her voice. “We ain’t coming to no funeral to celebrate that life or to be around that mongrel she gave birth to.” Then she hung up,

In some ways, I was grateful they didn’t want Pee Wee. He was just Negro enough for them to make his life miserable.

I looked over at him, his face troubled yet without tears. Even when I’d told him she had passed away, he hadn’t shed a tear.

I knew he’d be distraught with grief, but he merely nodded his head and asked me if he’d be able to stay at the group home.

That question nearly broke my heart. This child had been through so much in his short life, and the only stability he’d known

was the group home. I reassured him that nothing would change concerning that. He nodded again, but I could see the relief

on his face. Then he asked to be excused. I allowed him to go to his room, but I asked Jason to keep an eye on him. I didn’t

want to have the same situation with Pee Wee that we currently had with Chad. And I couldn’t bear the thought of losing another

boy.

We still hadn’t heard anything from Chad. The police, I was sure, had stopped looking—assuming they’d even bothered to look

for him in the first place. Young missing Black boys weren’t necessarily top priority on any missing person’s list in the

South. That was why Jason and some of the other staff continued to go out and talk to people. We couldn’t find any sign of

him, Lena, or Cobra.

“No,” I finally said. “You don’t have to go look at her.” I remembered how traumatized I was seeing my own daddy in the casket, and I was in my twenties when he died. I made a mental note to enter the church before Pee Wee and make sure the casket was closed. This situation was hard enough. Pee Wee didn’t deserve any more trauma related to his mother’s untimely death.

When we pulled into the parking lot, the number of cars shocked me.

“Who are a-a-all these p-p-people?” Pee Wee asked.

I turned and looked at Mama. She smiled. “I let folks at church know about Pee Wee’s mama passing. I guess a few of them decided

to come and pay their respects.”

I mouthed, Thank you . She nodded and continued smiling.

“Th-th-they came f-f-for M-M-Mama?” Pee Wee asked.

“And you,” I said. “Everyone wants you to feel loved and protected today.”

This was his breaking point. As he started to cry, I pulled him close, my own tears mixing with his.

“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s okay, Pee Wee. You have every right to be sad—and angry, too, if that’s what you are feeling.”

“Sh-sh-she didn’t e-e-even try. F-f-for me,” he cried.

“Your mama struggled hard, Pee Wee,” I said, rubbing his back. “If Veronica could have stayed for you and been the mama you

needed, she would have. You are an incredible young man. I don’t want you to believe for a moment that any of this has anything

to do with you. Your mama was sick. Now she isn’t suffering anymore. That doesn’t take away the pain you’re feeling, but at

least we know that much.”

“D-d-do you think sh-sh-she went to h-h-hell?” he asked, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand. This time Mama leaned

forward.

“Absolutely not,” Mama said, placing her hand on Pee Wee’s cheek. “Your mama is in heaven, where she never has to worry about those awful drugs or awful people ever again. She’s at peace, and when you’re an old, old man, she’ll be waiting at the pearly gates to welcome you home.”

“You r-r-really th-th-think so, Gr-Gr-Gran?” he asked.

“I absolutely know so, Pee Wee,” she said. “Your mama is resting in the bosom of Abraham, and that is a place of peace.”

The worry on his face seemed to evaporate. Clearly this was something he’d been worrying about. I was grateful that my faithful

mother had just the right words to reassure him. My faith was sometimes weak when it came to such things, especially after

Daddy died. Thankfully, Mama’s faith never wavered. Even when Daddy died, she refused to question God and she absolutely wouldn’t

allow me to voice my doubts. As soon as it seemed like I was headed down a dark path with my faith, she always had a good

word to pull me back.

“Y’all let me go inside first. I won’t be long,” I said.

As I got out of the truck, Seth drove up in his truck, parking beside us. The other day, when I’d told him about the funeral,

he’d asked if it was okay if he attended. Of course I said yes and thanked him. I also said Pee Wee would appreciate him being

there.

I waited as he turned off his motor, then exited his truck wearing a dark blue suit. I was wearing a dark blue fit and flare

dress with a white Peter Pan collar that gave the illusion that I had a small waist.

“Hello, Seth,” I said. “Thank you for coming today.”

Before he could respond, Pee Wee hopped out of the truck and ran into his arms. Seth hugged him tightly.

“H-h-hey M-M-Mr. Seth,” Pee Wee said, stepping back and looking at him solemnly. “I d-d-didn’t know y-y-you were coming. D-d-did

you know m-m-my m-m-mom?”

“No, Pee Wee,” he said, bending over so he was eye level with Pee Wee. “I didn’t know her. But I know you, and I wanted you

to know that you did not have to do this alone. Are you okay with me being here?”

Pee Wee nodded. “Yes, s-s-sir. Th-th-thank you.”

“Y’all give me a minute while I go talk to Pastor Bennett,” I said.

“We’ll wait right here,” Mama said as Seth helped her out of my truck.

I hurried toward the sanctuary, greeting various people and thanking them for coming. When I reached the door, Pastor Bennett

was standing there, also greeting arrivals. I explained to him that Pee Wee was concerned about seeing his mother in the casket.

He assured me that her casket was closed and that unless I told him otherwise, it would remain that way.

“I promise to keep this service short and sweet,” Pastor Bennett said. “We want to make this event as pain-free as possible

for young Pee Wee. The ladies of the church have prepared a lunch for afterward. By the time this is over with, Pee Wee will

have a whole host of aunties and uncles. This is what we do here at Bethel Missionary Baptist, which you already know.”

“I appreciate everything you and everyone else is doing to make Pee Wee feel supported in this moment,” I said. The words almost caught in my throat, but I got them out.

Pastor Bennett hugged me. “The work you do with those boys is invaluable. The least we can do is show up when one of them

is hurting. It means nothing to talk about God if we aren’t living godly lives. I think back to when I lost my wife, Tillie.

All of you stood with me for as long as I needed to be held up. Surely we can do the same for Pee Wee.”

I could hardly speak, so I just nodded and smiled. He patted my back, and then I went back outside to get Pee Wee, Mama, and

Seth. Pee Wee looked at me with concern.

“I d-d-don’t have to l-l-look, do I?” he asked, his little face filled with fear.

“No, Pee Wee. You do not. I told you that we are going to take care of you. I meant that,” I said, hugging him. “Let’s go

inside so the service can start,” I said. I took one of his hands and Mama took the other one. Seth walked beside Mama. When

we got to the door, Pastor Bennett gave Pee Wee a hug and explained what was going to happen. The night before, Pastor Bennett

had come to the group home to ask Pee Wee if there was anything about his mama that he wanted mentioned during the service.

“ Sh - sh -she made g-g-good spaghetti,” Pee Wee had said. “ Wh - wh -when she didn’t b-b-burn it.”

To his credit, Pastor Bennett didn’t even crack a smile. He dutifully wrote down everything Pee Wee said. Pee Wee also said she had pretty hair and that she knew all the words to the Smokey Robinson and The Miracles song “The Tracks of My Tears.” Pastor Bennett promised that he’d work that into his sermon.

After we were seated, Pastor Bennett began the service. “I asked Pee Wee to share some memories with me of his mom, and without

hesitation he gave me a list of things that I will share with you.” Pastor Bennet then talked about the burning of the spaghetti,

causing some people to smile and laugh. I put my arm around Pee Wee and he looked up at me and smiled.

Pastor Bennett continued sharing anecdotes Pee Wee had told him about Veronica, and he concluded by talking about the Smokey

Robinson and The Miracles song. “Church, I understand that the song ‘The Tracks of My Tears’ is a secular song. But when you

pay attention to the lyrics, you’ll hear that Brother Smokey was preaching a word when he wrote that song. It talks about

how we often walk around with smiles plastered on our faces, pretending to be okay when, in fact, we are dying inside, bit

by bit, day by day. I never got to meet Pee Wee’s mother on this side of life, but I think she gravitated to that song because

she was in pain, struggling to be present physically and emotionally for Pee Wee. My sincere belief is that on the other side,

where our Master resides, there are no more tears. There is no more sorrow, but most of all, there is no more pain. Today,

saints, we are going to pray a fervent prayer that Veronica Harrison’s soul is now at peace. We pray that Veronica is in a

glorious place where pain and suffering can no longer find her. Rest, Veronica. Rest.”

“Is i-i-it over?” Pee Wee whispered.

“Almost,” I whispered back. “We’re going out to the cemetery where your mama’s grave will be.”

“C-c-can I come v-v-visit sometime? Br-br-bring flowers?” he asked. The innocence of his voice nearly took me out. I gave him a huge squeeze.

“Absolutely. Mr. Jason or I will bring you anytime you want,” I said, looking at Jason, who was sitting beside me.

“We’re here for you, buddy,” he said to Pee Wee.

Once the pallbearers were ready, we walked behind the casket toward the cemetery, which was right across the street. A light

rain had started, and it was getting colder. I pulled my coat tighter around me and made sure Pee Wee was wrapped up in his

coat and scarf. We gathered around the casket while Pastor Bennett said his final words.

“The Bible says in Matthew 11:28, ‘Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.’ We stand

united in the belief that Sister Veronica has found rest in the presence of our Lord. We therefore commit her body to the

ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

By this time, Pee Wee was sobbing. It had fully hit him that he’d never see his mother again.

“Let’s go, baby,” I said, taking his hand and leading him away from the graveside. I didn’t want him to watch them lower his

mother’s casket into the ground. Unfortunately, I’d stayed to see them do that to my daddy, and it was an image I’d never

be able to scrub from my mind. For a moment, I thought about my brother Aaron. Would we be doing this for him soon? We still

hadn’t received any updates. Mama called every day, and every day they told her the same thing: “We are diligently looking for Private First Class Aaron Lamont Daniels. We’ll let you know as soon as we find out something new.”

Marcus had wanted to attend the funeral and support Pee Wee, but he didn’t think he could handle it. I understood. This was

a lot.

When we got to the dining hall, the women of the church took over, enveloping Pee Wee in love. They plied him with food and

hugs and prayers. It was good that we’d had the funeral here. These women had dedicated their lives to being rocks for others.

They had been that for me and my family, and it did my soul good to see them do it for Pee Wee. I tried to bring the boys

here to church as much as possible, so Pee Wee recognized many of the people. Yet this was the first time he’d experienced

the full measure of agape love. After some time passed, he ran up to me at the table where I was sitting with Mama, Seth,

and a few other people from the church. His excitement was evident as he wrapped his arms around my neck.

“I h-h-have more gr-gr-grannies,” he said, looking up at me with a huge grin on his face. “Gran is th-th-the main one but

m-m-maybe it’s okay if I-I-I have more?” He looked over at Mama, who nodded and smiled.

“You deserve all the grannies and all the aunties there are,” I said. “I’m so happy you get to feel the love the ladies at

church have shown me my entire life.”

“S-S-Sister Miller s-s-said I could come pl-pl-play with her gr-gr-great-grandson sometime,” he said, hopping up and down.

“Is th-th-that alright?”

I wanted to pretend like he was an ordinary boy and allow him to have every regular boy moment he could experience, but sadly he wasn’t some ordinary boy. He was a ward of the state in the custody of the group home and in my care. We had protocols for such things, and I couldn’t say yes without giving it some thought and coordination.

It was times like these when my heart broke for my boys. They just wanted to be ordinary kids, yet sadly, in spite of the

normalcy my staff and I were able to provide for them, we couldn’t make them the kind of boys where something as simple as

going to play with a potential friend didn’t require meetings involving multiple people and maybe even paperwork. Circumstances

beyond their control and mine deemed them anything but ordinary.

“Let’s talk about this later,” I said. “Right now, we need to get back to the group home.”

“Okay,” he said, the happiness leaving his face. “M-m-may I go s-s-say goodbye to th-th-them?”

I nodded. “Yes, you may. And, Pee Wee, I promise that I’m not dismissing your request. I just have to make sure it’s okay.

Alright?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said and walked away dejectedly. It took all of my willpower not to pull him back and into an embrace. But

hugs weren’t what Pee Wee was wanting in this moment.

“Why couldn’t you have said yes?” Mama whispered angrily. “On a day like today, you could have just said yes.”

“I won’t lie to my boys,” I said in a firm voice. I understood where Mama was coming from, but she didn’t grasp the full measure of my role and the weight I carried when it came to the boys at the group home. “I answer to social services, Mama. There are a lot of decisions I’m confident making on my own, but taking them out of the group-home environment isn’t a decision I feel comfortable making alone. Especially right now.”

I didn’t tell her that the group home was possibly under investigation and the board of directors was only one meeting away

from deciding my fate as the executive director. I had to make sure everything I did was according to the rules, because the

last thing I wanted was another incident I had to explain to the higher-ups.

Mama’s face softened. “I’m sorry. Of course you know best. I just hate to see him disappointed.”

“Me too, Mama. Me too,” I said. We both watched Pee Wee hug all of the church ladies who’d come out today. When we got back

to the group home, I planned to make sure he wrote thank-you notes to them and Pastor Bennett. That would make him feel a

bit better. Pee Wee loved writing letters and notes and often gave thank-you notes to one of the houseparents, thanking them

for soothing him after a nightmare, or to Mama K and Mama G, thanking them for not making green beans (which he hated). I

figured that if I could get him focused on writing notes, he might forget about going over to Sister Miller’s house.

“I’ll be right back,” I said and walked over to where Sister Miller was busy wiping down a table. I lightly placed my hand

on the older woman’s shoulder. She and my grandmother used to be good friends before Gran passed away. Sister Miller was eighty-five,

the same age Gran would have been had she lived.

Sister Miller turned around and smiled. Such a dear, sweet woman. All of the ladies at the church were, but she held a special

place in my heart because of Gran.

“Sister Miller, I just wanted to say thank—”

She held up one hand and put her other hand on her hip. “No, you don’t. We don’t say thank you for such things as this. That

baby lost his mama, and we all did what the Good Book commanded us to do. No need to say thank you for that.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. “Sister Miller, Pee Wee mentioned coming over to play with your great-grandson.

I’m afraid the process for approving that involves background checks and all sorts of paperwork. I didn’t want you to think

I didn’t appreciate your offer, but I can’t ask you to do all of that.”

“Tell me what I need to do so it can happen,” she said. “My great-grandson lives with me most of the time. My granddaughter

works out of town and the daddy is hit or miss. Bud would absolutely love spending time with Pee Wee. Whatever I need to fill

out, I’ll do it.”

“Bless you,” I whispered as I hugged her.

“I already am,” she whispered back. “And, Katia, I been talking to the Lord about you, and He told me He’s got somebody for

you. You just got to be brave. I don’t know what that means—I just heard it in my prayers.”

I took a step back and looked at Sister Miller and then my eyes went toward Seth, who was talking to Pee Wee.

“That one ain’t hard on the eyes,” Sister Miller said. I looked back at her, and she was grinning, her eyes shining. “Let

yourself be happy, Katia, and don’t settle for less than what God has for you. Be brave. Just like He said.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said. I gave her one last hug, and then I went to the restroom, the whole time thinking about Sister Miller’s words. Let myself be happy. What an idea. I always thought I was happy, but I suddenly realized I hadn’t been happy for years. Decades even. I buried

my happy in the cemetery when Daddy died, and I hadn’t made much effort to resurrect it since then.

By the time I came back, Seth was no longer at the table. I was both relieved and disappointed.

“Seth said he needed to head out and go check on his crew,” Mama said.

I was embarrassed that she’d realized I was looking for him.

“We should go too,” I said. We thanked people as we left the church. Once outside, I was surprised to see Seth in the parking

lot. The rain had stopped, but the temperature had dropped. I braced myself against it—and against facing Seth. Mama touched

my arm and then led Pee Wee to my truck. Once they were inside, I turned toward Seth.

“I didn’t know you were still here,” I said as I tried to make eye contact. I didn’t want him to know how much he affected

me.

“I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye,” he said, his hands clasped behind his back. “I also wanted to see if you’d be interested

in going to dinner with me one night this week. Whenever you have time.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” I said. “Thank you for coming today.”

“Kat, wait. I—”

“I’ll see you later at the group home,” I said. “Take care, Seth.”

I turned and got into the truck. I was emotionally spent. Of course I couldn’t let on that anything was wrong, so I flashed a smile at Mama and Pee Wee. “Let’s get Gran home, and then you and I will head back to the group home. Everyone should be back from school soon.”

“You okay?” Mama asked, looking at me knowingly. I smiled again.

“Yes. I am just fine,” I said.

Mama nodded, then resumed her conversation with Pee Wee. I let the two of them chat all the way back to the house.

Once we made it home, Mama asked me what time I’d be getting back after work. I told her I planned to stay at the group home

tonight. I didn’t want to take any chances with the boys, especially Pee Wee, having a difficult night without me being there

to support them. Of course the houseparents were more than capable of handling any emotional outbursts. But I was feeling

the need to focus on someone or something other than myself. Other than Seth. My mind kept drifting back to him asking me

out on a date. Me. On a date with an amazingly handsome man like Seth. Too good to fathom.

I’d decided to wait until after the funeral to tell Darren and Charlie that their grandmother wasn’t going to take custody

of them. I’d hoped that over the last few days she might have changed her mind, but Mrs. Crawley had said the grandmother

was holding firm. I’d tell them tomorrow. If possible, I needed one peaceful night.

“You don’t rest when you stay at the group home,” Mama said after I told her my plans.

“I’ll try my best,” I said. She was right—I didn’t rest well when I slept over at the group home. But my presence was needed. I looked at Pee Wee, whose eyes were already at half-mast. “Do you want to go inside with me while I pack?”

“I’ll st-st-stay here. Is that al-al-right?” He looked exhausted.

“Absolutely,” I said. “I’ll be right back.”

By the time I packed and returned to the truck, Pee Wee was sound asleep. I was grateful he could rest. I prayed that he’d

have a good night. I prayed we’d all have a good night. I didn’t know how much more any of us could take emotionally.