16

When we got to the trailer park, my heart felt like it might leap outside of my chest it was beating so fast. Part of me wanted

to tell Seth to turn around. Everything about this situation felt wrong, but I didn’t say anything. At this point, I was too

nervous to even try to formulate a prayer.

The more we drove around, the more I wondered why Cobra and Lena would pick this trailer park, of all places, to reside even

temporarily. It was only a few steps above a garbage dump. If I didn’t know better, I would think these were old abandoned

trailers, but clearly people lived here. It was sad to think of anyone residing in places like this, let alone Chad.

There were only a few cars scattered about, and half of them were propped on cinder blocks. None of the vehicles we saw matched the car we’d seen Cobra and Lena in earlier. I’m not sure why, but I was surprised that the trailer park was filled with white folks—or at least that’s who was sitting outside underneath a tree, with a fire burning inside a trash can. Seeing a sea of white faces in the moonlit evening was unnerving.

“We should get out of here,” I said in a loud whisper, as if the white men outside could see or hear us inside the truck.

“We came all this way,” Seth said. “Let me just pull up to those fellas by the tree over there and see what they say. I won’t

even get out.”

I noticed that he’d slipped the gun out of his pocket and placed it between us. I don’t know what terrified me most—the men

by the open fire or Seth’s gun.

When Seth stopped by the tree, one of the white men walked over to us. He was a tall, skinny man who appeared to have had

some rough days in his life. Even in the dark, his posture had a defeated look about it. Again, I wondered why Cobra and Lena

were lying low in a place like this. As Seth rolled down his window, the deep, earthy scent of reefer filled the air.

“Y’all looking for something or somebody?” the white man asked, his southern drawl so thick it made his words almost unrecognizable.

“We’re looking for Cobra,” Seth said. “He around?”

“Cobra comes and goes, but he ain’t been around for a minute. Can I help you?” he asked. Even though his voice sounded friendly

enough, I was beginning to feel nervous.

“I don’t think so,” Seth said. “I appreciate your offer of help.”

“Ain’t nothing Cobra can do for y’all that I can’t,” he said, shifting his weight, as he spat out a wad of tobacco, then took

a long gulp from a beer can before crumpling it and throwing it to the ground. “Unless y’all is the law.”

Suddenly his previous pleasantness was replaced by a surliness that made me glance at Seth, who seemed calm enough, so I tried to match his energy. I focused on controlling my breathing instead of letting out a cry of fear.

“I said no thank you, and no, we are not the law,” Seth said and began rolling up his window. But the man stepped closer to

the truck and reached inside, grabbing at Seth’s left arm. I was surprised by the man’s strength. Before I could say or do

anything, Seth picked up his gun and aimed it toward the man’s head. Seeing Seth with that gun, ready to shoot, forced me

to suppress a scream that rose in my throat. “Get your hand off me, now. I said no thank you. Now move away from my truck

so me and the lady can leave. Don’t test me tonight.”

The white man raised his hands in the air and backed away from the truck. The second he moved away, Seth peeled off. I was

terrified that we might have gunfire at our backs, but neither the man nor his companions did anything. Once we were back

on the road, Seth slowed down.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m okay,” I said, even though my teeth were chattering. I gulped air until I was calmer. “I’m so sorry for getting us into

this situation. I think we should call it a night.” As much as I wanted to keep searching, I realized we were out of leads,

and at this point, Chad could be anywhere.

“I’m sorry,” Seth said. “I wasn’t planning on any of this happening.”

“I know,” I said. “But this has become way too dangerous. You were right. We should have contacted the police and allowed them to handle things. I just worried that...”

“I worried about the same things,” he said. “Involving the cops any more than they already are over the disappearance of a

young Black boy could go any number of ways, few of them good. To be honest, I thought we might find him here, but we’ll keep

our eyes and ears open. What’s next?”

“I go home and call the chair of the board, and then Monday I face the music with social services—more specifically, Chad’s

caseworker,” I said in a voice that sounded weary even to my ears.

“If you want to go back out tomorrow, just give me a call. I’ll be at church the first half of the day, but I should be home

a little after one in the afternoon,” Seth said.

“Thank you, Seth.” I reached over and touched his arm. “I appreciate everything you have done today. I truly do.”

“Anytime,” he said. “There are a lot of good people looking for Chad, Kat. I’m hopeful that someone will see him. Keep the

faith.”

“I’m going to try my best,” I said.

I stared out the window as Seth drove. The roads were empty. It was as if the entirety of Pike County had turned in for the

night. I tried to hold back the tears. I put my hand over my mouth to stifle a sob, but it was too late. The floodgates burst

wide open.

“Slide over,” Seth said, his voice gruff. I didn’t think about his words, I just scooted closer and allowed him to pull me

close. As we turned onto my road, I took several deep breaths, determined to tame my emotions. I couldn’t go into the house

like this.

Seth drove into the yard and parked underneath the pecan tree my family and I liked to gather under for picnics. He rubbed my back in such a tender way, it almost set me off into another torrent of tears.

“You okay, Kat?”

“I’m okay,” I managed. His arms felt good around me, but I was afraid to crave his affection even in a moment like this. Especially

in a moment like this. Men like Seth never stuck around for women like me. I wasn’t the pretty former cheerleader like his

ex-wife, Denise. I was just Katia. The woman whom men wanted as their friend and nothing else. I slid toward the passenger

door. “I’m just a bit overwhelmed. Oh, who am I kidding? I am very overwhelmed. I’m sorry for falling apart on you. This isn’t like me at all.”

“You have every right to feel overwhelmed, Kat,” he said. “You and your family are going through a lot, and now this Chad

situation is only adding fuel to a large fire. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now. It’s okay for you to not

be strong sometimes.”

The house was dark. I imagined everyone was in bed, although I knew without a doubt that Mama was still awake, waiting for

the sound of Seth’s truck to drive into the yard.

I squeezed his hand. “Thank you, Seth. I appreciate everything you’ve done today to help. I’ll let you know how things go.

And I’ll see you at the group home on Monday.” As much as I appreciated Seth’s offer to help me look for Chad the next day,

I felt as if I had to say no, because the more I allowed myself to rely on him, the worse it was going to hurt when eventually

he gave up on this idea of liking me.

“Okay,” he said in a quiet voice. “But if you should need me tomorrow, call me. I’ll happily help any way I can.”

“Thank you—drive careful,” I said, getting out of the truck and closing the door without facing him again.

As I walked toward the house, all I could think about was going to bed. I wanted to block out the day and regroup in the morning.

Most nights I fell asleep listening to Nina Simone or Billie Holiday, but tonight I wanted silence. I didn’t even want to

hear the night sounds of owls hooting or our neighbor’s billy goats bleating under the moon.

I’m a problem solver, and for the last couple of weeks I hadn’t been able to do much to fix things for the people in my life

who depended on me. I hoped that a good night’s sleep would get me to the other side of the self-doubt I’d been battling since

Chad first went missing.

“You will figure this out,” I said to myself as I heard the crunch of Seth’s tires as he drove away. When I got to the door,

Mama opened it as if she had been waiting there all night. Without a word, I went into her arms and allowed myself to be enveloped

by her strong embrace. I was bigger than Mama, but right now she felt ten feet tall. I felt like I used to when kids at school

would pick on me for being fat. Mama would grab me into a tight hug and say, “There is just more of you to love, baby girl.”

“Don’t you worry none, baby,” Mama said. “Everything is going to work out just the way it’s supposed to. Leave it in God’s

hands.”

“Thank you, Mama,” I said, continuing to stay in her arms. Continuing to let her be the strong one.

***

Sunday passed in a blur. We woke up and went to church, and then, as soon as service was over, I went with Jason to look for

Chad. My fingers wanted to dial Seth’s number, but I fought the impulse. It was better for me to go with Jason, or at least

that was what I told myself. He and I drove around for hours searching, and we didn’t find even one clue to lead us toward

Chad.

“What do you think Mrs. Gates is going to say?” Jason asked after I pulled back into his yard later that afternoon. It was

still light outside, but night was rapidly approaching. I just looked at him. He got the picture. “It wasn’t your fault.”

I smiled sadly. I appreciated his loyalty, but I couldn’t let that idea stand. “Chad was in my care. That makes me responsible.

That makes it my fault. No one else’s. You go on and try to enjoy the rest of your day off.”

“Take care, Miss Katia,” he said and then exited the truck. I knew he wouldn’t find any joy in what remained of our Thanksgiving

holiday. Like me, he’d spend the rest of the night trying to figure out where Chad might be.

I watched as Jason slowly walked across the yard toward his house. The defeat he felt showed in how he squared his shoulders.

He loved these boys, and he gladly took on the role of older brother or uncle with every boy who came through our doors. That

had been especially true with Chad.

The drive home was emotionally draining. I continued to keep my eyes peeled, but I didn’t see Chad, Lena, or Cobra, or their car. Once I made it home, I was surprised to see Leon’s truck parked in the yard. At first I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I go in or stay out? Should I gather up Pee Wee and give Mama and Leon privacy? Did Mama even want privacy? Again, I was unsure of myself, and I hated how this felt. In high school I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” and “Most Confident Senior.” Right now, neither of those monikers felt appropriate.

“Get it together, Katia,” I muttered, then stepped out of the truck into the refreshing cool air. I leaned my head back and

allowed the late-afternoon chill to wash over me. Before I even reached the back door, Pee Wee bounded out.

“Hey, Miss K-K-Katia. Did you f-f-find Ch-Ch-Chad?” he asked, looking around as though he expected to see his friend trailing

behind me.

“I’m afraid not, Pee Wee,” I said, putting my arm around his thin shoulders. “I am so sorry. I’m not giving up and neither

should you. Are Gran and Mr. Leon talking?” I asked, changing the subject.

“They w-w-watching Lassie ,” he said.

I nodded and smiled. Hopefully the two of them had decided at least to remain friends. For now, that was enough. “That sounds

about right. Why don’t you and I go inside and get your suitcase packed? Tomorrow we go back to the group home.”

His face fell, but he didn’t say anything. Sadly, disappointment was something my boys were used to.

“I know you aren’t ready for the holiday to end,” I said, rubbing his back. “I’m not either, but we do what we have to do.

Right?”

“Yes, m-m-ma’am,” he said.

Mama met us at the door. I noticed that she’d put her church dress back on and had even applied a bit of pink lipstick. Not her usual Lassie -watching clothes. Mama always made sure she looked decent when company was around, even when that company was Leon, but today

she seemed to be paying a little extra attention to her appearance. I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’ll meet you in the bedroom, Pee Wee,” I said.

He nodded and hugged Mama before running inside.

“No Chad?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No Chad. I don’t know where he could be.”

“God’s gone work this out. All of it,” Mama said.

I walked toward her and slid my arm around her waist. “Looks like God is working something out in the living room.”

My mother blushed and shoved me away.

“We watching Lassie . That’s all,” she said.

“That’s a start,” I said and kissed her cheek as I made my way around her. “I’m going to help Pee Wee pack.”

“Make sure you speak to Brother Leon,” she said. “You know, if you tried just a little bit, the two of you could probably

work things out.”

“It’s not me that he wants to work things out with, Mama, and that’s just fine,” I said. “I promise. But I will go speak to

him.”

I walked to the door of the living room and waved at Leon. He waved back.

“Hey, Katia,” he said awkwardly. “I hope you don’t mind I stopped by to... to... to watch Lassie .”

I almost laughed at his discomfort, but I didn’t want to embarrass him any more than he already was. Anyway, I was too tired to play games. This weekend had been long. I just wanted to go to bed—maybe listen to some music or read my latest book.

“No apologies needed,” I said. “You and Mama enjoy your shows. I’m turning in. Good night.”

On my way to help Pee Wee pack, I peeked in on Marcus. He was already asleep, and judging from his posture, he seemed to be

resting okay. When I got to the bedroom the boys had shared, Pee Wee was underneath the covers, lightly snoring. I decided

not to bother him. He and I could wake up early the next morning and gather his things.

I continued to walk slowly down the hallway to my bedroom. I didn’t even bother to shower. I just slid into my gown, said

a quick prayer, and got between the sheets. I hoped that sleep would find me in a hurry because I knew the next day or two

were not going to be easy.