Chapter 11 - Freya

Chapter 11

Freya

I awakened next to the crackling fire, feeling strangely refreshed after sleeping outside on the ground. The scent of cooking meat reached my nostrils before I could bemoan how little I'd had to eat lately or wonder when I'd be able to eat next. Coming fully awake with the promise of food, I sat up and looked around.

A makeshift spit had been set up over the fire, and an animal the size of a rabbit slowly cooked above it. Fat sizzled, falling into the fire, and I realized that's probably what had awakened me.

In any case, it didn't look completely finished, so I stood up and stretched. Looking around, I didn't spot Rowan anywhere, but I knew all of this must be his doing. And he must have shifted into human form to make it happen. Somehow, the thought of him switching back to human form to cook me breakfast made me smile.

He might not be good at communicating, but his actions revealed his motivations. He'd built a fire for me even though he didn't need it and hated fire. And now he'd provided sustenance.

My wolf smugly licked her paws inside my mind. Mate.

I rolled my eyes and decided to attend to some of my other needs. Obeying the call of nature, I walked away from the fire, looking for a good spot to pee, gathering non-poisonous leaves as I went.

Passing another waist-high boulder, a scream died in my throat when I caught sight of three wolves. Three dead wolves. Their throats had been torn out, and one of them was nearly decapitated — the work of a much larger wolf.

Rowan had been busy while I was asleep. Inside me, my wolf preened, once again pleased by her mate's offerings, both food and kills.

After I peed and went back to the campsite, Rowan was waiting there for me — in wolf form, of course.

"Did you kill those three wolves back there?" I asked in the most casual voice I could manage.

His tongue lolled out in a wolfish grin, and he dipped his muzzle in a nod. I noticed the rabbit had been turned over, and I sat watching it for a few minutes, mesmerized by the fire. It smelled positively delicious, and from the look of it, was almost done.

"Well, thanks for keeping me safe so I could catch up on sleep."

Rowan let out a low rumble and put a paw into the fire. I gasped when I saw a mound of leaves beneath his paw. He moved away when I began unwrapping them to reveal small tubers — baby potatoes. The steam quickly caused me to abandon my plan to open them completely, and I decided to let the bundle cool beside the fire before attempting it again.

"This is so thoughtful of you, Rowan," I said.

He chuffed at the pleased tone in my voice. The other three had never spent so much time in wolf form… except when they were wounded.

I gasped, remembering the gunshot. "Did Ironwood hurt you? A bullet caught you, didn't it?"

Rowan turned to show me his side. He twisted his head, nibbling along his ribs as if to show me he was fine. And I hadn't seen a wound on him, aside from his burns, when he'd shifted back.

"I'm glad you're not hurt," I admitted, my attention returning to the fire. "It looks like the rabbit is done cooking."

When I stood to try to decide how best to get the rabbit down without burning it, I noticed a knife, its blade turned toward the flames. I got up and grabbed the knife, then looked toward the rabbit. Maybe I could carve off slices?

The snapping of bones drew my attention, and I turned to get an eyeful of Rowan as he shifted. Once again, I quickly looked away from the scars from his face down to his hipbone, knowing it clearly made him uncomfortable. Still, my eyes caught sight of his ample pecs, covered in dark chest hair except for where the burns had scarred his body forever. They didn't dampen the urge to run my hands over his body.

He stood shameless and naked before me, his eyes glued on me just as much as mine were on him. I drank in the sight of his wide shoulders and the sinful V leading down to the dark hair between his legs. Even when not aroused, he was an impressive sight.

The blood on those wolves hadn't looked fresh. He'd probably killed them hours ago, and the adrenaline from the fight had already worn off.

Today, he didn't try to hide from me, and I confirmed he didn't have a single wound left, aside from his burns.

He stepped closer to the fire. "Allow me."

His low, powerful voice made heat pool between my thighs.

He'd returned to this form to help me deal with the rabbit. I should've known that's all it took to get him to shift back. He'd gone to all this effort for me — he wasn't about to see it wasted.

Rowan placed the cooked meat on a flat rock near the fire, and from the sizzle, I could tell the rock had been sanitized in the flames as well.

"Thank you, Rowan," I said, dropping to my knees beside it to start carving it up.

Rowan took the opportunity to pull on his jeans, remaining shirtless thanks to me stealing his. He came to hover awkwardly beside me.

"I've got this," I murmured.

"I know," he answered in that gruff voice he'd used yesterday.

Clearly, I was already getting on his nerves again. I sighed, and he pulled back from me as if burned. As if to cover his reaction, he set about unwrapping the potatoes and putting them on another flat rock.

He cursed as the hot steam from the leaves got him. It occurred to me that maybe he wasn't used to cooking in this form.

"Do you often eat meals in wolf form?" I asked.

"Almost always. No need to waste time cooking things," he grumbled.

Just another way I was inconveniencing him, apparently. My shoulders dropped. I was as much of a burden to him as I'd been to the rest of the Howling Echo in the beginning. It was discouraging, but I tried to rally my spirits — I'd won over Gage and Heath, I could win over Rowan. It would just take time. Hopefully not as much.

After I'd sliced up the rabbit some, I moved a few pieces to a smaller flat stone and offered it to Rowan. He was the alpha here, and probably used to being the first to eat.

He took the plate, such as it was, and cursed as he let one side dip and a chunk of cooked rabbit fell off. More proof that he wasn't used to this form, or dealing with eating in this manner.

Then he waved it away. "I'll eat it when I shift back." He gestured toward the tubers. "Have some."

Then he sat down and began scarfing down the rabbit with his fingers. I tried to watch him without appearing to watch him from the corner of my eye, noticing how he barely stopped to chew the meat. A line of grease trickled down from the corner of his mouth. I had the insane urge to lick it off of him.

Hey, I was starving, what could I say? With the alpha properly fed, I now felt safe picking up my own pieces of meat and bringing them to my lips.

His eyes hungrily watched me, his irises almost pure gold. He really was more wolf than man.

I carefully chewed and swallowed a few bites before asking, "Did you want more?"

He tore his eyes away, ducking his head. "No, I'll eat what's left from the carcass later."

He leaned back against a boulder, then moved around, trying to get comfortable. But no matter what he did, he seemed uncertain of what to do with his hands. It would've been funny if I weren't still distracted by the meal before me.

He clearly didn't like this form, but he had to switch to keep me alive and to communicate with me. Our life experiences created such a huge gulf between us.

My wolf had no doubt he belonged by her side. I just wasn't sure I would ever belong by his. He was so different from the others, intimidating in his silence. He clearly preferred to live as a wolf, while I was a hybrid who couldn't shift. Why would he even want a mate like me?

A sudden surge of emotions through the pack bond took me by surprise. It felt triumphant and full of confidence. Gage poured more reassurances to me, and I let the warmth of them wash over me. Freshly rested with food in my belly and my mate's presence in my mind, I felt rejuvenated.

Yet I also felt… overheated, and my pulse pounded in my ears as I regarded Rowan across the fire. Seeing him shirtless, with that V pointing into his pants… And I loved the disheveled look of his black hair over his face. And those big hands… would he know what to do with them if I put them on my body?

I tore my gaze away, wondering what was the matter with me. It was too late, though. Heat pooled between my thighs, and I longed for something to ease the ache. If Rowan weren't here, I would take care of it myself, but with him in sight, my mind kept wandering toward him. He seemed like the doggie style type.

I slapped my inappropriate thoughts down again, then a realization clubbed me over the head.

"Fuck, I'm going into heat again."

A flush rose in my cheeks when I realized I'd said it out loud, but across the flames, Rowan nodded.

"You are." His golden gaze latched onto me.

I growled low in my throat. "It's Gage's fault. His bite has brought me nothing but trouble."

Rowan's dark eyebrows furrowed. "But… he's your mate. You… don't accept him?"

I let out a long exhale before picking my words carefully.

"I do accept him. I want Gage as my mate, but… his bite marks me as his possession. We're not equal. I… want my mates to see me as equal. Like Flint does. Even Heath…"

I trailed off, because I was still figuring Heath out. We'd come a long way, but sometimes he still puzzled me. And when I glanced over at Rowan, now he was the one who looked puzzled.

"All you have to do to make it equal is to bite Gage in return. Then the bond will go both…"

His words slowed as he realized why that wouldn't work. My heart fell, and Rowan fidgeted again, his hands going to his knees, then to the ground beside him before gesturing toward me.

"That was a stupid thing for me to say, considering you can't shift."

I took a deep breath, trying to maintain my composure. Rowan didn't know me. He hadn't been there when all of this had happened.

"Freya…"

It was the first time I'd heard him say my name, and the effect was instantaneous. My wolf perked up inside of me, and my body heated, burning with desire.

The ache between my legs intensified, and I pressed my thighs together, closing my eyes to try to get control over myself. That didn't help, because then images of Rowan catching me in the forest and bending me over the yellow blanket from my dream filled my mind.

Rowan groaned, and my eyes popped open. He'd come closer, but he carefully sat down just far enough away that neither of us could reach the other.

I felt the need to tame him like a wild animal, but while I was consumed with desire wasn't the right time. Jumping Rowan's bones would be a bad idea, considering he thought I belonged to his pack alpha. If I tried to explain that I had multiple mates right now, I might lose the last shred of control.

I needed a distraction from sexual thoughts. So, I decided to ask something that would definitely turn down the arousal.

"Rowan… I'm sure it's difficult to talk about, but… would you mind telling me what happened to cause such burns?"

He looked away, and I realized he needed another push. If he understood why I was asking, my packmate would answer. Every time I'd asked for help, he'd provided.

"I need… something to distract me from the heat. Can you tell me about yourself?"

"Listen," the word came out on a growl as though he might be ordering both of us, not just me. "Witches killed the wolf family I lived with for over a decade."

"Wolf family?" the question popped out before I'd fully processed what he'd said.

He nodded, his gaze captured by the fire. The orange flames danced in his golden irises, his wolf always close to the surface.

Self-consciously, I pulled my long hair over the Bonded mark under my collarbone, even though it was already covered by his shirt. Had he noticed it when I was bathing? Probably not, since I'd kept my hair over my breasts as much as possible. I'd told him I was a half-breed earlier…. What would he think if he knew what my other half was?

"After my original pack exiled me, real wolves took me in."

"And you lived among wolves for ten years…" I blinked. "Are you saying… you stayed in your wolf form for ten years? "

He nodded. "Except for once a month, when I shifted back to remind myself of the truth. That I wasn't a wolf like my wolf family, but a shifter."

I tried to imagine a life like that. A life as a wolf felt completely out of reach for me, but it was Rowan's reality. No wonder we were struggling to connect — I was more human than wolf, and he truly was more wolf than human.

But there was another important part to his history. He was also an exile. Just like the rest of us.

"Ironwood cast me out, too."

"And the Howling Echo took us in."

I smiled, glad he understood. "We're all exiles."

His golden eyes studied me, and for a moment, I felt like he truly saw me.

"We are… though sometimes I feel like an outsider, even from them."

"Because of this mission where you were separated from them?" I asked, softening my voice.

He'd lost so much — his original pack, then the wolves that had taken him, and now, to learn that he still didn't feel at home in the Howling Echo made my heart ache.

He shook his head. "Because I'm one with my wolf. For them… the wolf is separate."

I took the risk of scooting closer to him so I could lay my hand on his forearm on the side without any burns.

"If it helps at all… I feel the same way. All of you can shift at will. I've never once shifted, though I feel her inside of me. I keep hoping she'll appear—"

"She will."

The certainty in his words shocked me, and I dropped my hand. He turned toward me, taking my hand in his, shocking me further. The electricity between us… did he feel it too?

"I've dreamed of your wolf, Freya."

The intensity in his words, in his golden eyes, left me breathless.

"You think… she'll appear on a full moon?"

He nodded with the utter confidence of an alpha. His faith in me, in my wolf, lent me some of his confidence, too. And all the work I'd done to quiet my oncoming heat disappeared in that instant. I trembled with desire.

He dropped my hand and scooted away from me. Scrubbing a hand over his beard, he looked away. No doubt he could sense my arousal, and it made him uncomfortable.

I once again forced myself to think of something else. Flint had dreamed of my wolf, too. And all of them said they could sense her within me, as could I. But if I turned twenty-five and then twenty-six without shifting… if I spent year after year hoping, like I had as a teenager…

I tore my thoughts away and decided to change the subject before they could grow any darker. Time to change the subject.

"Claiming me will cause Gage problems with Frost Fang…"

"Because you can't shift?" Rowan snorted and shook his head.

That wasn't why, but I didn't want to tell him it was because of my Bonded mark on Gage's face. Better that Rowan find out my other half was a witch, not a human, once we rejoined with the others.

When I hesitated to answer, Rowan continued, "They're not our pack. Not our problem."

"Rowan… Gage killed their pack alpha. He's now the pack alpha over Frost Fang."

Didn't he know?

He nodded. "Yes, but they're not Howling Echo. Our pack doesn't care about tradition. Gage will never merge the two. He's different from other pack alphas."

"How so?" I asked, curious considering he'd only been part of one other pack.

"He doesn't try to expand his territory — we didn't even have any packlands. He doesn't use his alpha-bark on us. He swore we would never have an omega slave." His eyes stole toward me before going back to the flames.

My best friend had been and still was Ironwood's omega slave. The Howling Echo was so different from Ironwood, just as Rowan said. They were a pack of all alphas before I came along, and yet… they weren't like the alphas I'd known before.

Flint had always been protective and caring all at once. He'd been good to me from the very beginning. Gage was a good leader who put his pack on the line for me repeatedly. Even after the fight we'd had, he refused to abandon me. And Heath was the most playful, naughty one among them. Though my feelings for him were complicated, they had strengthened recently.

And now Rowan… he clearly had difficulty being in his human form, feeling self-conscious about his burns. Yet, not only had he protected and provided for me in wolf form, but he also did so in the form he felt least comfortable in.

The three of them had cared for me during my heat, even though none of us had been certain of what our feelings would be after the fact.

Would Rowan do the same if it came down to it? It wasn't normal to go into heat so fast on the heels of the first… what if this one hit faster?

I needed to explain things to him before it hit, if that might be the case.

I got up, nervously tidying camp and throwing the leaves he'd cooked the tubers in back into the fire. Rowan joined me in silence, cutting off a few more chunks of the rabbit and leaving them for me, then moving the rest of the carcass — and the piece he'd dropped — away from the fire.

When I'd worked up the nerve, I turned toward him. "Rowan… You weren't there when I first met the Howling Echo, but they've always impressed me because, like you said, our pack doesn't stand on tradition. Gage bit me and allowed me to join the pack even though I couldn't shift to do the ceremony properly."

Rowan shrugged, but his gaze felt heavy on me as I took a step toward him.

"In the beginning… we thought they were just attracted to me and willing to share me because of my heat. I feared the heat would complicate things but… afterward…" I raised my eyes to his, prepared to read his expression. "I came to realize I had feelings for all three of them, and they for me. That's why Gage marking me as his mate felt like such a betrayal. Not just because we're not equal, but because… I thought he wanted to prevent the other two from being my mates."

Rowan's eyes narrowed, so I hurried to continue.

"I was wrong about that, though. All three of them are my mates. Gage just marked me before the others had the chance."

"And so he is your mate in truth." He looked away, his lips thinning.

"No. Heath and Flint are also my mates. Even Gage says so. And… You've seen my wolf in your dreams." I shook my head. "That's not a coincidence. She knows who her mates are. Because my wolf claims not one mate… but four."

Rowan's eyes flicked down to mine with a question forming on his lips.

"If you don't feel the same, I understand if you want to be… just my packmate," I said softly, my heart falling as I admitted the possibility existed.

Then I met his gaze, hoping for more.

"But if you feel as I do — if your wolf recognizes me as his mate just like mine does with you — then I hope…"

Rowan surged toward me, his fingers falling to my lips. Hope rose in my chest, and my lips tingled with the desire for his kiss.

"My wolf doesn't want us to be ‘just packmates', Freya. He wants so much more."

Then all my hopes crumbled when he turned away from me.

"But for once, my human side knows better. I won't let my own selfish desires tear apart our pack."