Twenty-four

Twenty-four

DESI

The first of my mistakes was thinking I could curb the growth of my feelings for Jace while being physical with him. In my head, it was an excellent notion. People do it all the time with no problems. I'm just not made that way. My second mistake was ignoring Jace at all costs for the past two days. I've made things awkward in the house, and I'm not sure how to fix it. Thankfully, I have someone willing to listen and prone to giving good advice.

I sit across from Meredith at her immaculate kitchen table. Everything about her house is pristine, from the white leather couches to the bright flower arrangements. One would never guess that two children live here. Even the half-empty bottle of wine and plate of chocolate covered strawberries resting between us looks picturesque.

"I can't believe you did it. You've done the impossible and gotten under Jace Wilder's tough exterior. You've got to tell me. He's amazing, isn't he? He has to be. Ugh, I am so living vicariously through you." She sighs, leaning back in her white wooden chair like she's lost in a daydream. "Not that Jeremy isn't good at the bedroom stuff. But he's tired, and with the kids, it's hard to find time. I'm sex deprived."

My skin flushes at the memory of me and Jace in the pool, not to mention any of the moments that came before. "Yeah. He's phenomenal. Like, I have nothing to compare it to, right? But I somehow know that there's nothing better. And that's part of my problem."

"All right, we've established that the man is ruining you for all other men in the bedroom, but what's the bigger problem?"

I take a long swig of my wine. "It's nothing that the entire world doesn't already know. Jace is emotionally shut off, and I want more. And not because I'm selfish, but because he deserves more. He thinks he's broken but I'm starting to see that he inflicts most of the hurting on himself these days."

I hadn't even truly realized until Jace's whispered words the other night how much I wanted the chance for him to be my eternal partner. And to know that if the timing had been different, it might have happened? It was devastating in a steamrolling over my heart kind of way. I didn't expect to feel that pain. If what I felt was a fraction of what Jace's heart went through, I couldn't imagine functioning day after day.

"You can't force someone to heal and leave that pain behind when they aren't ready. Jace has never talked to me about what happened between him and Hannah, but I saw how he changed. The man who locks himself in that house and buries himself in work is the product of a broken heart and an accident that almost took his life. He's so guarded now. I don't think those walls he's built will ever allow him to love like that again."

The Jace Meredith describes might be the one he lets her see, but I know someone else. Yes, he's cautious about letting others in, but when he does, he's funny and kind and affectionate.

"I know what you're saying. And I agree with you to an extent. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. But I know he's in there. I've seen it—who he is on the inside. And it's even more beautiful than he is on the outside, which, I know, is hard to believe." I offer Meredith a weak smile, and she reaches over and takes my hand.

"Okay, fair enough. But you don't have much time left to bring someone back to your parents, right?" I shake my head and she continues. "Then I think you need to consider the other option in front of you."

"Cannon."

"Yes. He's talked to me about it, and he cares for you. A lot. And I don't need to point out all his great attributes. You already know them. I think it's time that you seriously consider Cannon and quit getting hung up on Jace. Not when you and I both know it's not going to happen. I'm not trying to be—"

I hold up my hand. "I know, I know. You're right. But it's not like that with me and Cannon, Mer. He's . . . it's just different than it is with me and Jace. Cannon and I don't have that chemistry. He would tell you the same thing if you asked. We already tried."

"Something's so wrong with both of you," she says, biting into a strawberry.

The front door opens, followed by the sound of two bickering children. Meredith finishes her wine in one gulp, and my eyebrows lift.

"Don't judge. It's a little stress relief and makes me a better mom," she says, plastering on a wide smile as the kids rush into the kitchen. "How was school?"

"It was great until the end. Macy told everyone on the bus that I sleep with a teddy bear. They all laughed." Meredith's son, Marcus, drops his backpack on the floor and glares at his sister.

The beads at the end of Macy's braids clack together as she places a hand on her hip and says, "Well, you do sleep with a teddy bear. Bubba the Bear."

Before Marcus can rip into his twin sister, Meredith interjects, saying, "Are either of you going to say hello to Miss Desi, or is she going to think I spent six years raising rude kids?"

The twins turn to me with bright smiles and rush me, saying, "Hello, Miss Desi."

I laugh as they wrap their arms around me, fighting to get my attention. The twins are sweet, but competitive. They battle it out to get the best hugging position, pulling and shoving while I sit in the middle.

"Miss Desi. Miss Desi," Macy yells over her brother, pulling on the front of my shirt. The low V–neck stretches almost to my navel, giving everyone a view of my pink bra. I rush to pull up my shirt, but it's too late.

"Out!" Meredith says, her voice breaking through the chaos and bringing her kids to a standstill. "Grab a snack from the pantry and go have some ‘you' time, please."

Marcus and Macy grumble apologies and follow their mother's directions. As soon as they're out of the kitchen, Meredith's astonished gaze falls on me.

"Well, well. This all makes sense now. The weird marriage customs, your lack of knowledge about dating human men. Your ability to resist my persuasion. You're a demon," Meredith says in awe.

I clench my jaw and nod, not even bothering to deny it. There's no use. I'd suspected as much about Meredith a long time ago. "Yep. That's me. Wait! You tried to persuade me? Please tell me that you didn't mess with my emotions."

"No! That's not my gift. I'm not a peace-bringer or a humbler. I'm a counselor. My job is to give certainty with sound advice. And you've resisted my advice about Jace left and right. But did I try?" She tilts her head side to side with a guilty expression. "Yes."

Taking a deep breath, I decide to just go ahead and spill it all. Why not since we're sharing secrets. "Not only am I a demon, but I'm one of the seven children of Chaos. I'm the future queen of Sloth."

Meredith's jaw drops, and I lean over to push her chin up playfully, closing her mouth. "Sorry," she breathes, moving over to the chair next to me. "I've only heard of Chaos. I've never known anyone who's actually met him."

I finally process her words regarding her job and realize she's not at all what I thought she was. "I can't believe you're not a demon. This whole time, I thought for sure I had you figured out."

"Nope. I'm an angel." Lifting her shirt and lowering the waist of her pants, she shows me the sun with its pointed rays on the back of her hip.

"So Snoop and Martha aren't a fluke?"

"No." She tilts her head back and laughs, her curls bouncing with the movement. "Your daddy doesn't let you out much, does he?"

I flop against the back of the chair and cross my arms over my stomach with a huff. "What was your first clue? The fact that I brought up marriage before a first date even started or that I didn't even know angels and demons could be friends?"

"A little of both." She sobers, resting her elbow on the table and her chin in her palm. "I don't get why your father is hung up on you finding a partner. Angelo rules Pax alone. There is no handbook that says you have to be married. If that was the case Angelo would be in a world of hurt. Rumor has it that the king of Angels can't keep it in his pants. Everyone is shocked that he doesn't have more kids than the one he keeps under lock and key."

I unpack the reasons why my father thinks it's important for us to have someone to rule with. When I talk about my brothers and their partners, Meredith hits me with a barrage of questions. She seems fascinated by my life in Infernis, and it's nice to talk to someone who isn't from this realm about these things.

Meredith dusts a crumb off the table and says, "It sounds like a good existence, just the kind of nerdy stuff Jace would eat up. I'm surprised he doesn't want to be your partner. Then again, I'm not."

"What do you mean?"

She just keeps talking like I hadn't even spoken. "That's some chaotic shit Jace has going on. Are you sure that's not why you're attracted to him? Maybe you feel at home with his energy."

"Jace? Chaotic?" I scoff. "You've lost your mind, angel. He's the furthest thing from chaotic."

But even as I say the words, I wonder if she's right. Is this just a different kind of chaos that Jace hasn't accepted? Did I come here looking for something different, only to find what I could've gotten from a demon this entire time?

The thought is sobering, and I meet Meredith's gaze with a sad smile. "It doesn't matter either way. You're right, I need to let him go. He's made it clear that he can't be my partner. What do you think I should do now?"

She rests her hand on mine. I recognize that laid-back, calming feeling she emanates. It isn't something I normally thrive on, but with the ache in my heart on the verge of debilitating, I can use a little peace. "I return to my first choice for you. You said some of your brothers have platonic partners. Asking Cannon has got to be better than going home and letting your dad pick for you."

I let her words stew. I've already come to terms with knowing that if my father picks for me, I will have a platonic relationship. If that's the case, why not do it with someone who has become one of my best friends?

"Thanks for coming with me tonight when you don't even know what we're going to do," I say, looking over at Cannon as he speeds down the highway toward the surprise destination I'd researched after my chat with Meredith.

He meets my gaze and shoots me a dazzling smile that never fails to give me the distinct feeling that everything is going to be okay. I can only hope that feeling will last through the end of the night. Because what I'm about to reveal will be life changing.

"I know anything you have planned for us is bound to be an adventure, Desi," he says, a teasing hint to his tone. "I wouldn't miss it for the world, but it would be nice to know where we're going."

"Uh-uh," I say, shaking my head. "It's a surprise. Besides, we're almost there."

"Have you been there before?"

"No. In fact, I've never even done this thing before."

He glances at me from the corner of his eye. "Oh jeez. You're taking me turkey shooting, aren't you?"

I whack him on the shoulder. "Cannon! No! That's horrible!"

"What?" he says, trying not to laugh. "Our first outing was an archery range. It seemed like the natural next step."

I shudder. "Absolutely not. No, no, there will be no animals harmed tonight. Or any night." I point to the left. "There, turn up there, and it's on the left."

Cannon does as I say, and when he realizes where we are, he parks the car and looks at me. "You've never been to a ski resort?"

"I've never been ice skating, and they have two of the prettiest outdoor rinks. I've always wanted to try, and I thought you might want to do it with me for the first time."

"I have to warn you, I'm an excellent skater. Double Axels and spins—we're talking gold medal technique."

"Well, who better for me to skate with for the first time than a would-be Olympic gold medalist?"

"No one, and I'll keep you from falling on your ass too much." Cannon gets out of the car and comes around to my side. He opens my door, holding out his hand. "Come on. Let's turn you into an ice queen."

I place my hand in his and hop out of the car. "I'm ready, but you should know that I'm a little clumsy, so be prepared to hang on tight because I might end up on my ass a lot."

"I'm aware."

Cannon folds my hand in his, and I expect it to feel weird, like we're trying to force something that isn't there. But it doesn't. I'm just walking hand in hand with my best friend, and it feels nice.

We stroll down the cobblestone walkway through a small village of shops and eateries. Freshly fallen snow lines the road and river rocks and slats of wood make up the buildings. It's charming and reminds me of pictures I've seen of the Swiss Alps. We enter the building to rent our skates, then head outside to put them on.

The enormous rink is surrounded by the hotel, and in the distance snowcapped mountains point toward the darkening sky. The breeze blowing off their icy peaks makes it much colder than I'm used to. Twinkling lights snake along the wooden railing around the rink and dozens of skaters glide in the amber glow. It's one of the most magical places I've been to in this realm.

"Are you ready?" Cannon asks, standing in his black skates and holding his palm out for me.

I get to my feet and am immediately off balance. I snatch his hand and fall forward into his arms, my cheek smashing against his chest. "Yeah," I mumble, my voice muffled in his ivory cable-knit sweater.

He laughs and pulls me upright, supporting my weight and slipping his arm around my waist, gripping my hip. "Off to a fantastic start," he teases, pushing my hair out of my face and tugging my stocking cap down over my ears.

"I warned you. I think you underestimated my clumsiness," I say as we make our way to the rink.

"Perhaps." He steps onto the ice with the grace of a ballet dancer, and I realize he wasn't overexaggerating about his skill as he executes some fancy jump and spin combo before beckoning for me to join him.

I clutch the railing and say, "You don't understand. I don't think I'm even going to be able to go a couple of feet without landing on my ass, and you're over here doing some freaking world champion moves!"

"I've seen you walk in some killer heels, you've got this."

I wobble across the ice to him with the grace of a baby giraffe on ice skates. He hooks my arm in his and I grip his sleeve as we inch forward. Actors make this look so easy in the movies. How humans don't suffer more tragic ice-skating deaths is beyond me.

"Stop overthinking it and relax. This is a peaceful sport. Look at this beautiful scenery and let yourself glide," he says, urging me to make bigger movements with my feet.

I let out a breath and relax my shoulders, mirroring him so that my feet aren't making tiny steps but longer strides, and it does feel more natural. "Okay, okay, I got this."

"See? Just keep it up, breathe in and out, don't panic, and if you go down, don't worry—I'll be here to help you up."

I try not to let that statement get me choked up, because he's only talking about skating. He doesn't even know what I brought him here to talk about, and I am so afraid that this favor might be the one that makes him say, Okay, that's enough. You've asked too much this time.

"Are you ready to take a little more risk and speed up?" he asks.

"I think so," I say hesitantly, but he doesn't give me time to reconsider before we're only holding hands as we pick up the pace. I yelp as we round a corner and I'm certain I'm going to bust my ass, but when I stay upright, he looks at me with an approving grin.

"I told you you could do it, Desi," Cannon says as we come up on the next corner. "Let's try again, just lean into the turn and—"

But I guess I lean in too far because the next thing I know, I'm on my ass on the ice.

And not only is it really cold, it's harder than a damn slab of concrete. "Ow!" I exclaim, staring up at him, my bottom lip protruding in a pout.

"Mistakes happen." He pulls me up and doesn't give me time to think about my throbbing backside. We're off again. He turns and skates backward, and, like the little kids around us, I use his hands as support. "You should have seen me as a kid. I would fall all the time, and my mom would help me up and tell me to work through it. The sooner I learned how to stay on my feet, the quicker I could get to the reward."

"Reward?" I say, my ears perking up. "What's the reward?" I hold his hands tight and glide along the ice, feeling a little more confident when I'm able to look at him as we skate.

He tilts his head to the sky, which is now black with millions of twinkling stars. "For you, it's that you're ice skating during one of the most spectacular autumn nights I've ever seen."

I look up and take a second to appreciate it. Ever since we'd put on the skates I'd been so worried about falling that I'd hardly taken a second look. It really is beautiful, with the dark sky blanketed with fluffy clouds and sprinkled with a smattering of stars.

"I've always liked when everything around me just goes quiet. Nothing but the sound of skates on ice. It's simple—peaceful. Also, it's the closest I've ever gotten to feeling like I'm flying," he adds, his voice quiet and pensive.

For someone who lives such a fast-paced life, I'm surprised to hear that he likes when things slow down. I've always pictured Cannon as a ball of energy who thrives on the madness. Shoes thrown around and dirty dishes left abandoned; he's a mess. Yet on the inside, he wants calm.

And calm is exactly what I need. It's what I came here to find. So why am I not trying harder to make this work? I like Cannon. I like hanging out with him. We can talk about anything and nothing at all. Were there fireworks when we kissed? No, but when he's around I have a feeling of warmth and safety. He makes me feel safe. I may not be in love with Cannon, but I love his friendship. We could have an eternity of inside jokes, joyous dinner dates, and long nights talking about our favorite things. He may never be my perfect eternal partner, but who would be? Nobody's perfect. But Cannon can be the friend who always has my back.

I can trust him to do what he says he's going to do. And if he says he's going to be there to pick me up when I fall, I know he will be. In fact, I trust him more than anyone.

Well, almost anyone.

We continue skating, Cannon taking the lead. He sets a fast pace that whips my hair around my face and creates frizzy curls. He, of course, is a marble statue of perfection with a bright, wide smile and shimmering blue eyes. We're a little bit of chaos and calm all rolled into one.

Cannon raises his palm to my cheek, and I'm so numb I can't feel his touch. "You're freezing," he says. "Let's go get some hot cocoa, yeah?"

I nod, and we exit the rink, stopping to remove our skates and put our boots back on. It feels strange to walk on solid ground again, and I feel a little light-headed from all the spinning. Cannon keeps me tucked close to his side, as if he can sense my instability. He settles me in a giant plush swing hanging between two massive trees and promises he'll be back with something to warm me up.

He walks off to the stand that advertises drinks and treats, and I pull my phone out of my pocket to check it. There's a text from Meredith asking how it's going. I can't report back to her that I chickened out. I have to tell Cannon what I am.

I slide my phone back into my coat pocket just as Cannon returns with the cocoa, handing me a steaming mug before sitting next to me. I snuggle in against him, relishing in his body heat. "Thank you," I say, taking a tiny sip. "That is the best hot cocoa I've ever tasted!"

"I got them to add some peppermint for you. I remember you said one time that you liked peppermint chocolate."

I did say that once. In passing. The fact that he remembered is incredibly sweet.

"Oh, I also got you a brownie," he says, handing me a small square wrapped in wax paper.

I dance in my seat and take the treat from him. "Ooh, you really do know what I like."

He shrugs it off with a smile.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to spend my life with a friend. Cannon is sensitive to my needs and always goes out of his way for me. I like to think I offer him some of that same emotional support. It isn't the happily ever after I wanted but it could be a satisfying ending.

"Cannon?"

"Yeah?" he asks, not looking at me, but scrolling through his phone while sipping his hot cocoa.

"I need to talk to you about something, and it's really—" I inhale a sharp, shaky breath, and Cannon's head instantly jerks up, his eyes wide with concern. "It's really important."

Slipping his phone into his pocket, he sets his cup on the table next to the swing and turns his body toward mine. "What is it, Desi? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry I scared you, I'm just nervous."

"Nervous? Why? It's me. You don't need to be nervous."

A giggle escapes my throat and I slide my stocking cap off my head, suddenly burning up. Wiping away the sheen of sweat that's appeared on my brow, I say, "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"Were you lying earlier? Have you been out practicing your archery on small animals?"

"No!"

He pats my hand where it rests on my thigh. "Then you shouldn't be nervous. Nothing you can say will end our friendship. In fact, I wasn't so sure you and I would get along when I first met you. I thought we were too different. But here we are, finding common ground. So trust me when I say what I feel for you is genuine and not going to change."

I close my eyes and grab his hand before he can move it, gripping his fingers in mine. "Even if I told you I'm not exactly who you think I am?"

"What do you mean you're not who I think you are? You're not Desideria—" He stops short and his brows dip like he's thinking hard about something. "Wait . . . what is your last name?"

"Ironically, that's a great question and an excellent lead-in to this conversation." He just stares at me blankly, so I forge on. "I don't have one."

"You don't have a last name?" he asks, his expression perplexed yet intrigued.

I shake my head. "I—I'm not exactly . . . human, Cannon."

He sucks his bottom lip into his mouth and nods. There isn't exactly panic in his eyes. I get more of the sense that he's waiting for the punch line to the joke, or maybe he's thinking it over. To be honest, it's impossible to read him right now. But he isn't running away, so that's a good sign.

"If you're not human, then what are you?"

I look down at my lap for a moment before meeting his intense stare. I ask him the same question I asked Jace when he caught me levitating household items that night. "Do you believe in angels and demons?"

"I do," he answers without hesitation.

"Well, then maybe you'll have no trouble believing that they can be right here in front of you, and not just in some alternate universe. I'm a demon, Cannon."

He laughs so loudly that people around us stop what they're doing to look our way. "I get it. I really do. You tend to find trouble and get everyone a little worked up. But it's very hard for me to believe you're an actual demon."

"Jace didn't believe it either," I grumble. "I had to prove it to him. Do you want that too?"

"What have you got? Are you going to sprout horns or maybe set loose a deadly plague?" I can't help but laugh. He seems excited about the second option, which I can't do.

"I can't do either of those. I don't have horns because I'm what's called a High Demon—my father is the king of Demons, otherwise known as Chaos. I'm a princess . . . of Sloth, actually." I don't stop to let him ask questions. "My power is basically used to make things as easy as possible."

I glance around to make sure no one is looking, and when I see no one is paying attention to us, I lift my hand and reach toward his cup of hot cocoa. It lifts from the tabletop and sails right into my open hand. "Here you go," I say, offering it to him.

Cannon glances back and forth between me and the table. "No way. Do it again."

I float the cup back to the table, and end with a shrug.

"You're being serious," he says, picking up the cup and looking for anything that gives the trick away.

"I am."

"That is wild. I didn't know a demon could do that."

I cock an eyebrow and tilt my head to the side. "What, did you think they could only suck out your soul or cause bouts of sleep paralysis?"

"Something along those lines. Does Jace know what you are?"

"He does. He went home with me a couple of weeks ago when you were out of town."

Cannon lifts a brow. "I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that. Going to your . . . home? That must have put him on edge."

"He actually loved it there. It was the calmest I've ever seen him, now that I think about it."

"And the whole story about your dad wanting you to find a partner?"

"True. It's the reason I took Jace with me. I had to buy more time. My dad has this rule that my siblings and I have to find an eternal partner before we can inherit our Circles. Infernis has too many energies for a single ruler. He doesn't want us to feel the stress he has, so he's implementing a new tradition with us."

Cannon leans back in the swing, folding his hands over his stomach. I copy his position and we swing back and forth for a few minutes. It's a lot to take in, and as much as I want to keep pushing the conversation forward, I know he needs time to process it all.

With a hum, like he's reached a conclusion, Cannon says, "So if you don't find someone here, your dad will really choose a partner for you?"

"Yep. It was part of our agreement before I came here. I was so certain I'd find what I'm looking for, and I just haven't." My voice cracks and I look up at the sky and then back at my clasped hands. "That's a lie. I have found it. He just doesn't want me. So my finding him is irrelevant."

"Desi." He says my name with such sadness while rubbing my shoulder. "It looks like Jace isn't the only one with a thing for someone."

We lock eyes, and I wish I were strong enough not to cry in this moment, but my chest burns with my next thought, one that I can't help but voice. "Whatever he feels for me clearly isn't enough, Cannon. He doesn't want me badly enough to even try." Tears slide down my cheeks and I swipe at them just for more to fall in their place.

"It's not that he wouldn't try for you, Desi. I believe he would, but I think Jace doesn't think he's worthy to try for himself."

The emotion building inside me feels like a boulder on my chest. It crushes me to think Jace believes he's undeserving of me. I wish I could change that, but this is his battle to win.

"Well, either way, as much as I wish it were different, it just isn't going to happen with Jace. And the thought of going home and getting paired with someone my dad chooses." I shudder. "I love my dad, but he'll probably pick someone boring who doesn't even like movies."

Cannon feigns a gasp. "That would be torturous."

"I know, right? So, you remember how I said a couple of my brothers have platonic partners? Well, I was wondering if . . . maybe you'd want to come back with me. To Infernis. And be my eternal partner."

My cheeks are on fire, and I can't believe I'm asking Cannon, a handsome, talented, witty, charming, successful young man, to leave his life and come with me to another realm to be the king of Sloth.

But I don't know what else to do. I feel like he's my one shot at happiness. I have to take it.

"I'm honored that you would even consider me." The sweet smile on his face speaks volumes to his sincerity. "But I don't want to be the reason you don't find what will make you happy, so . . . I'll be your backup plan. If all else fails, I'll go with you."

My heart swells, relief washing over me, and I can't help myself. I leap onto his lap, throw my arms around his neck, and nearly knock us both out of the swing. "Thank you so much, Cannon, you have no idea how much better I feel knowing I won't be facing eternity with a stranger."

"Anything for you. You're my best friend."