49. BELONG

49

BELONG

YARA

T here were twisting, turning wheels in my head. My eyes were made of spirals that pulsed red and black. The mess I had made was leering, pointing its dirty fingers at me.

“What’s the other reason?” I asked, half-curious, half-afraid.

He had already told me more than he should, but somehow, I knew it was not over.

“I—I don’t know why I’m going to tell this to you. I know it’s madness to tell you about a part of me that would make you run from me, run far, far away, maybe even to the cops.”

My breath froze.

Fuck. Is he for real? Why would he go and do that now?

He stood up, stalking the entire length of the hall, his steps faltering with each step, his face masked in darkness. The thundering scream ripping out of his soul was a mating call to my demons.

Taking a deep breath, he came toward me again, his eyes filled with fear. He was scared. I was scared as well. I wasn’t ready for this. I had never wanted anything more than fucking him.

Didn’t you? Are you lying now, Yara?

“Yara? Promise me that you’ll listen and not just…”

I knew what he was planning to do. This was it. The fucking reckoning. Our sins were too big for absolution. We weren’t gods. We were demons, a different kind, but still demons in the grand scheme of things.

“Don’t run from me. I don’t have the strength to lose you. I’ll chase you until the very end of time.” His voice wavered at the end.

He was going to give me something I had always craved. A place to belong. Without lies or secrets. A place to be ourselves. Our broken, damaged, distorted, unholy selves. A place where we could be together, just us, without the cloaks and masks. Naked, free, vulnerable, deranged.

Oh, how I wanted to be in that place, but I couldn’t.

Slimy snakes twisted up my throat until I couldn’t even form a word. I kept shaking my head as if that would somehow stop him from doing this.

“Please, Red, I need to tell you. I need you to see the real me. I’m not a good man, but I want to be good for you.” He stopped, his face twisting in worry and pain. I felt his desperation in my soul. “You’re my mad fucking goddess.”

“Ryden, you shouldn’t—”

He pressed a finger to my lips. “Let me tell you this before I change my mind. You, Yara, you’re the only one who knows how to silence the animal in me. The only one who can make me feel normal.”

I was still shaking my head. My world was splintering, and each splinter steadily caught fire. It felt so wrong to sit here and wait for him to break himself open for me, to give me the pieces of his darkness, his soul, his heart. I didn’t deserve that.

Diamonds would have cost him nothing.

This would cost him every fucking thing.

He didn’t know what I’d do with the secrets he was going to give me, and yet, here he was.

Why?

My lungs hurt. I was drowning from the weight of his trust and certainty, and I wanted to break free and resurface. This was a bad place to be.

“You’re not an animal,” I finally choked out.

“I am. I’m looking for K.Y. Wolff because she saw me kill a man.”

No, no.

“I’ve killed more than one man, and I—they call me The Abstract Killer.”

TAK? Oh Fuck. That was something I hadn’t expected.

It made sense. The Abstract Killer only left pieces of his victims. The rest of them must have become wandering ghosts of ashes and smoke in Enzo’s funeral home.

His kills were precisely planned. I had done an autopsy on a hand he left—a hand holding onto a severed cock when I was working under Doctor Mikael. I shuddered in excitement, even though I knew it wasn’t the time for that.

You two are a match made in the worst parts of hell. Kat’s voice was a sarcastic scoff.

The man Ryden killed, Jacob Levey, was a rapist, and I thought what was done to him was poetic. Knowing that Ryden was the one behind it did nothing to dissipate my admiration.

“Yara? Red? Baby?”

I knew I should say something, do something, but I couldn’t. I simply sat there, staring blankly. My skin was cold, my breath was burning.

“I know it’s selfish of me to ask you to keep this secret, but… I want to kill the animal in me for you. I want to be normal for you, as normal as I can become.”

Fuck normal. We couldn’t be normal even if we tried.

I wouldn’t let him bury a part of himself for me.

We were too messed up for that. Perhaps that was why we could be perfect together, but no, that was just another lie.

“Oh, Red, please… don’t waste your tears for me.”

I didn’t even know I was crying. Why the fuck was I crying?

Because you care.

You lie, Kat. I can’t care about this man. I don’t care. This is supposed to be lust. Only that.

“If you want to take me to the DPD, you can. I won’t pressure you to lie for me, to break laws for me. I love you, Red.”

Fucking piece of…

I jumped up from the couch like I was on fire, swiping my eyes with a growl.

He told me he was a killer in one breath, and then he was telling me he loved me. This man had a strange fucking sense of timing.

I wanted to punch him in the nose, break his stupidly sexy jaw, or kick him in his fucking dick. I decided against the last part because it was a beautiful fucking cock.

Shaking my head, I stood up, scowling. I couldn’t stay.

I was afraid, afraid of him, afraid of what he had just given me. This was more than I had bargained for.

Like the fucking coward I was—I had been pretending all my life that I wasn’t one, playing make-believe with myself—I shook my head.

“No. No. This isn’t… it isn’t supposed to be like this.” I scratched my face with a wince.

I wanted to peel my masks away for him, as well, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready for him to see me vulnerable, broken. This game was supposed to be fleeting. It was supposed to be fun.

This wasn’t so fun anymore.

“Why would you tell me that, Ryden? Are you a fucking fool?”

“Because I want you to see the real me.” His voice was earnest, begging me to understand.

How can I show him my real self?

He would know I was the one who killed his brother, and he’d despise me for it.

Even though Victor deserved to die, I knew Ryden would resent me for denying him the chance to save his brother. Even if Irene turned out to become a heartless killer, I’d still love her.

“I don’t want to see the real you.” Swiping the tears away, I glared at him. “You lied to me. You told me you’re not made for feelings.”

“I didn’t know it then, Red, but you’ve changed every fucking thing about me. I was half dead before you, buried with the monsters I killed, and then you came.”

“Fuck you, you asshole,” I shouted. Fuck.

I wanted the calm, collected Yara back. The one who wasn’t a screaming, cursing mess. It was all his fault.

“Yara… Please.”

I shook my head, punching him in his chest. He took it without a word.

“I can’t look at you right now.”

“Do you want me to go?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know, Ryden. That’s the problem. I always know what I want.” I was always sure of everything. I never let the smaller details distract me.

He has become one of the biggest parts of your life.

It was the truth, but I didn’t want it to be.

I was running, but nothing was moving. I was running away from his life, praying he’d catch me, praying he’d let me go. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.

You want him, Kat whispered. You want him and he wants you. Stop, Yara. You deserve this. You deserve him.

So why can’t I stop running?

“I need some space. I need to be alone.” The fucking tears wouldn’t stop. I hadn’t cried so hard in a while. I hadn’t felt such crippling, helpless feelings for a long time. Ryden made me weak. I wasn’t ready for any of this shit.

“I’ll leave you alone for a while.”

“Are you leaving?” I looked up at him, my voice breaking. I wanted to hold on, and never let go. But perhaps this would be easier.

“No. I’ll just wait outside.”

“It’s freezing,” I said with a sniffle, frowning at him. He exhaled so loud I could feel the pressure of his breath on my skin. He shrugged.

“I don’t mind. I’ll stay right there until you tell me to leave.”

He pulled the door open and closed it behind him, leaving me with my demons.

What the hell am I supposed to do now, Kat?

I called Irene. She didn’t pick up.

Give her time.

I had always known there would come a day when I’d be all alone. I knew that was inevitable. But now that I was here… I didn’t want that.

I wanted to be a part of something. Something bigger than just blood and death.

But here I was, left all only with my screaming demons.

Just me and them.

Like it had always been.