Chapter 8

8

J ennifer ran. The sound of her hard-soled shoes made a clopping sound on the pavement. The noise reverberated in the dark alley, magnifying the sense of danger. Her breaths came hard. So hard that the sound of each one combined with that of her shoes and the pounding of her heart into an awful mix of fear. Creating a rushing in her ears.

Disoriented, she turned, knocking into a metal coal bin. It clanged. Loudly. Echoing around her . Tears pricked her eyes as Sir Garrett laughed.

He emanated evil. She wasn't going to get free. Not—

"Bethanne?" Three sharp raps sounded on her door.

She must have jumped a foot. Holding her hand to her heart, Bethanne put the manuscript she'd been reading down on her bed. She was actually out of breath.

Her mother's voice turned more concerned. "Bethy? Are you okay?"

Getting to her feet, she hurried to the door and opened it. "Jah. Sorry, I was reading."

Her mother looked her over, taking in her slightly rumpled plum-colored dress, bare feet, and no doubt breathless expression. "It must be a good one."

"It is. Exciting." She realized that the usual fine lines surrounding her mother's eyes had deepened. Something was bothering her. "Did you need something, Mamm?"

"Well, I don't. But there's someone here for you."

"Who?"

"Jay Byler. He's come over to pay you a call."

Now he was at her house? The man had no shame. "I don't want to see him."

Leaning against her bedroom door's frame, Mamm sighed. "Bethy, dear, I think you should reconsider."

"Why? It's my choice, ain't so?"

"Of course it is, but you told me that you've finally forgiven him for his friendship with Peter."

Ignoring the way her mother had said finally , she lifted her chin. "I have forgiven Jay."

"Then what's wrong?"

Everything. "Just because I've forgiven Jay doesn't mean that I want to see him." She certainly didn't want him calling on her.

"So, you haven't actually forgiven him." Disappointment filled her mother's expression. "That's a shame, daughter."

"Mamm, you're misunderstanding me. I have forgiven Jay. I just ... on some days it's hard for me to see him and not remember what happened."

"I see." Her pretty mother scanned her face. Pursed her lips. Then she seemed to come to a conclusion. "I promised Jay a cup of coffee. He's no doubt wondering where it is by now. I'd best get that for him."

"I bet you could just ask him to leave." Her cheeks heated as soon as she heard her own words. She knew she sounded snide. Maybe worse. Like a recalcitrant child. She was ashamed, but fear and the need for self-preservation took precedence. Years of counseling had taught her to stick up for herself, and that's what she was doing.

"I'm not going to do that," Mamm said.

"Well, enjoy having coffee with him."

Two lines formed between her mother's brows—a sure sign that she had run out of patience with her. "No, miss. You are going to go downstairs and talk to Jay. And while he is having that cup of coffee, you are going to be pleasant because he is a guest in this house." She took a deep breath. "And then, after he finishes that cup of coffee, if you still don't want him calling on you..."

"Yes?"

"You can tell him yourself."

Bethanne felt her cheeks burn. "Mamm, please don't make me do that."

"All I'm making you do is be the woman I raised you to be. Don't disappoint me."

As Bethanne opened her mouth to protest, her mother headed down the hall.

Still in the doorway, thinking over their conversation, Bethanne felt ashamed. Her mother was right. Bethanne hadn't been raised to treat people rudely. She was going to have to go see him.

Bethanne reached for her kapp, intending to take it off and smooth her hair underneath. But that brought back memories of primping for meetings with Peter. As if to make a point to herself, she left her hair and kapp alone. She also bypassed the bathroom. She didn't want to glance at her unkempt appearance and be tempted to improve it.

Walking down the stairs, Bethanne mentally rolled her eyes at her foolishness. For sure and for certain you're going to show him , she thought sarcastically. You're going to look like you just rolled out of bed.

He'd likely leave their house, glad to never have a reason to step foot inside it again.

"You have much to learn about pride," she whispered to herself.

When she reached the base of the stairs, she squared her shoulders and walked into the living room, where Jay and her mother were sitting across from each other and chatting like old friends. Her mother was speaking, but when Jay noticed Bethanne, he turned his head to watch her approach.

He stood up. "Hey."

Practically feeling her mother's watchful gaze, she looked Jay in the eye. "Hi."

"Bethanne, would you care for a cup of coffee?" Mamm asked.

"Nee. Danke." She needed to stay firm, because a hot cup of fresh coffee did sound pretty good.

"I'll leave you two alone, then."

Bethanne knew her mother was disappointed by her lackluster attitude. Jay's expression was carefully controlled. Revealing nothing. But a new tension lay between them. Or maybe it was the same tension that was always present but now there was the added layer of disappointment.

Jay sat back down, practically daring her to say what she'd come to say.

She wasn't one to go back on her promise to her mother. Sitting down across from him, she said, "How are you today?"

"I'm well. Danke." He sipped his coffee.

She noticed it was only half-drunk. "How is work?"

"It's fine, thank you."

She folded her hands in her lap. Relaxed when he took another sip of coffee.

"I heard rain's in the forecast," he said.

"Jah. Perhaps it will cool things off."

"I suppose.

Looking down at her hands, she wondered how much longer this visit had to last. Another five minutes? Ten?

He cleared his throat. "Bethanne, if you have something on your mind, I'd like to hear it."

"Fine." Taking a fortifying breath, she blurted, "I don't know how to say this without sounding blunt, so I'm sorry for it. But the fact of the matter is that I don't wish you to call on me again."

He looked unfazed by her rudeness. "Why?"

"You know why. There's too much history between us. Too much to get over. Too much to ignore."

He didn't even wait a second before responding. "I disagree."

Of course, he did, she thought sarcastically. "Jay, you are being obtuse on purpose."

"And you are using some of your fancy vocabulary to ignore the fact that you and I actually have no history." He leaned forward. "Bethanne, yes, I was friends with Peter. And yes, you were Peter's girl. But what history do the two of us have?"

"We have lots of history. You know that. We've known each other all our lives."

"I think that's the case with almost everyone in our circle."

He was maddening! "You're oversimplifying this, Jay. You and I both know it."

"Really? I feel like our lives are intertwined but not linked. You weren't my girl, even though I wished you were. I didn't interfere. Peter had made it known that he liked you a lot. Because of that, we really didn't have much interaction."

Even though I wished you were . The words were so sweet. Almost hard to ignore. But she did her best. "Still, I'd rather you didn't call again."

He leaned forward and looked her in the eye. "Give me another reason."

She averted her eyes. "I don't need one."

"Instead of giving us a try, of giving your future a try, you're choosing to sit in your room. Yet again."

She hated that Jay was acting as if she hadn't made any progress. She had. Was there room for improvement? Yes. Absolutely.

But would she admit it to him?

No.

If she did, it would be like he knew too much. They wouldn't be on equal terms. No, they'd be even more unbalanced. He had his life together and wanted marriage and family. She was still trying to be comfortable around strangers. Sometimes, she even had trouble being around friends for a long period of time. Sometimes she still had panic attacks. What would Jay do when he realized that she was nothing like he thought? More importantly, how would she handle seeing the disappointment in his eyes?

Forcing herself to look at him, she whispered, "You're mistaken. I'm not planning on sitting in my room by myself. I'm just choosing to avoid you."

"All because of what happened years ago."

She hated how he was making so many complicated, complex issues into a simple equation. But if that was what he wanted, then that was what she would give him. "Not exactly because of what happened. But if that's how you want to think of it, yes."

Dismay filled his expression before he seemed to come to a conclusion. "All right." He stood up.

"Bethanne, I think you're making a mistake. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but one day soon you're going to realize that I'm really a great guy. And you're going to wish you'd given me a chance."

"Have you finished your coffee?"

He looked down at his cup on the table. It was still about a fourth of the way filled but likely cold. "Jah."

She smiled. "Shall I walk you out, then?"

A muscle in his jaw jumped. "Thank you, but I can see myself out."

As Jay Byler left the living room, she didn't move. The front door opened and then shut.

She could hear her mother washing dishes in the kitchen.

All the while, she thought about how Jay had been wrong. Bethanne wasn't going to need a day or even an afternoon to know that she'd made a mistake. Jay Byler was worth fighting for. Getting to know him was worth a lot of things. He was that kind of man. A good one.

She regretted pushing him away already and wished Jay was still there, that she could change her mind.

But Jay was long gone.