Chapter 9

Melonie Zimmerman was disappointed in herself. It wasn't a good feeling and she wasn't proud about it either. Especially since this sense of regret was kind of a new thing. Until fairly recently, she'd tried hard to be as close to perfect as she could get. It had been a foolish goal, of course. No one was perfect.

But now she realized that she'd also been very misguided.

Maybe that was a gradual development, or maybe the good Lord had decided to let her know that it was time she became a better person. Whatever the reason, she knew she needed to start doing things differently, even if changing meant that everyone else was going to be caught off guard. And, perhaps, be disappointed.

The fact was, she'd never done enough to try to get her parents to think more highly of Seth. She could blame it on her age, or that she'd been happy to be the "good" child. She loved her mother and father, but they had expectations. Sometimes unrealistic ones. When Seth was in prison, it had been so easy to let him take the brunt of their parents' disappointment. For a while, it had even been a relief.

But now that she'd looked at her actions, she decided that taking the path of least resistance wasn't good. So she determined to make a change. She was going to put on her boots, walk out the front door, and upset a great many people. Maybe she should care about that, she didn't know.

All she did care about was that it was time to put her brother first. Past time, as far as she was concerned. She wasn't going to stop herself no matter the consequences.

She was also going to put her future first ... and that meant her relationship with Lott Hostetler. He was important to her. She knew their relationship was something special. She needed to have enough faith in herself and in Lott to push aside everyone's misgivings about him and let Lott know that she was on his side.

Yes. She really needed to do all of that.

"Melonie, have you left for the market yet?" Mamm called out.

Startled, she looked around her. She was standing in the parlor, staring out the window. Daydreaming about being brave one day.

"Melonie, did you hear me?"

"Jah, Mamm!"

"Well, then, answer me, child."

"All right. I haven't left for the market yet." Obviously. "I'm about to, though." She glanced at the coatrack next to the door. Did she need a shawl? Or maybe she should go to her room and pull on her favorite navy blue cardigan?

"Why haven't you gone? Do you need money?"

Ack. Her mother's tone was sour now. Bordering on irritated. "Nee. I have some money."

"Oh?" Her mother walked down the hall, glanced in through the doorway of the parlor. "Why are you in here?"

"I like this room. I decided I'm tired of only sitting here when we have company. And don't tell me I shouldn't be in here." Inwardly, she winced. She could practically hear her conscience remind her that she'd just decided to be a better person.

Her mother folded her arms across her chest. "I wasn't going to chastise you for being in the parlor. I wanted to know where you got your grocery money from."

"Oh."

Mamm tapped her foot. "Melonie, where did you get it?"

Her parents liked to pretend that Seth didn't leave money in an envelope under their welcome mat once a month. She used to help them do that, but now she almost got an awful sort of rush knowing that it made her mother uncomfortable by bringing it up. Once again, shame coursed through her. She really did need to be better.

"Seth brought money when he came over yesterday." And yes, she could've told her mother how much he'd brought, but some twisted part of her wanted to make Mamm ask. Just like she wanted to ask Mamm if one day she was going to acknowledge that the cash had come from her other child—and that she should thank him.

"I see." She gripped the casing around the doorway. "How was your conversation with him? Did it go well?"

"It did." It went as well as it could, considering he had been trying to dissuade her from seeing Lott. "Did you and Daed spend much time with him this time?"

Her mother inhaled. "Melonie, I think you should watch your tongue."

"I would, if I understood why you are so distant from your son."

"You know why. We love Seth, but he's not Amish and likely never will be. You know. It's hard to find the right balance for our new relationship."

That statement said everything, Melonie reckoned. Her parents were giving the community a say in how they treated their son. "I'm surprised you find it difficult. You and Daed seem to accept his money without a problem."

Her mother's expression pinched. "That is enough, Melonie."

"Mamm, you know I love you and Daed, but I love Seth too. He is such a good man and he cares about all of us. I want you to accept that."

"I love him too. But a lot of our relationships are out of our control, Daughter. He was never baptized and has strayed too far from our beliefs."

"He is still my brother and your son. I think you should be more accepting of him and his choices."

Mamm's face paled. "It's not as easy as you make it sound, Melonie."

"Mother, you don't really believe that practically ignoring Seth is right, do you?"

"It doesn't matter what I think. It's our way."

Melonie heard the tremble in her voice. Even though her mother was saying the words, she clearly didn't believe them. And although it was tempting to argue with Mamm about that, she didn't. She needed to concentrate on herself first. "Fine." She bent down, straightened the lace on her boot, and then picked up her shawl and headed toward the door. "I'm leaving. I'll be back in a while."

"It might rain. Hurry now, and come home as soon as you do the shopping."

It was half past three. They wouldn't eat until six or half past the hour. Not until her chores were done for the day. "I'm going to stop by the library or to see Jo."

"One or the other?"

"Jah, or both. Jo might want to go to the library with me." The lies were coming far too quickly.

"But the rain—"

"Won't make me melt. I'll be fine, Mamm." As long as she left the haus and got some space, she would. She needed to get out or before long she wouldn't want to come back.

As if her mother could read her mind, she stood up a little bit straighter. "I'll see you in a while, then. Don't tarry too long."

"I won't." She could practically feel the word LIAR being etched on her forehead.

Wrapping the shawl around her shoulders, Melonie escaped at last.

Each step brought her closer to freedom. Maybe not literally, but in her mind. They lived in a small haus on the edge of the Amish community. It was one of the closest to Marion, which was helpful for her father, since he worked for the Jensens. The Englishers were good people, if not very smart when it came to either farming or raising horses. However, they insisted on trying to do a bit of both—which was why they'd hired her father soon after Seth was sentenced to prison and her mother had hung her head in shame.

God had known what he was doing, though, because the job suited her father like a well-worn glove. To everyone's surprise, Wayne Zimmerman had a wealth of patience for Carter and Emory Jensen. He liked their horses, and liked how Carter enjoyed learning from him but lost interest after a few hours, so her daed got to spend the rest of his days either tending to the large garden or exercising the horses and whatever livestock Carter had at the moment.

Melonie knew Daed liked coming home afterward with cash in his pocket and no worries about how to pay the bills for the five horses, three lambs, and all the equipment for the garden. Though they still counted on Seth to pay for things like food.

Pushing away all the thoughts about money and how it came to be in her possession, she darted across a vacant field, sidestepping a pile of old tires nestled in weeds, turned right near an abandoned single-wide trailer, and then at last came to an abandoned barn.

To be fair, calling it a barn was a bit of a stretch. It was about the size of a car, surrounded by weeds, and had a number of boards missing from the siding.

It was the perfect place to meet in secret.

"I'm here," she called out.

Everything remained still.

Her heart beat faster as she listened for a sign that she wasn't alone.

"Finally," Lott whispered.

Her heart felt like it had just stopped. "You scared me!" He must have been hiding in the thicket of bushes just beyond them.

"Sorry, but the temptation is hard to ignore. You're always afraid that someone else will be here."

"It's to be expected. We canna be the only people who come here."

"I think we are, though. I thought you'd never get here. And why are you laughing?"

As always, his dark blond hair was covered by a dark gray knit hat. His eyes were almost the same color and as piercing as ever. He was wearing a dark shirt and pants too.

All the girls in their school had long ago decided that he was the most handsome and most dangerous-looking boy they knew. Melonie wasn't sure if that was the case anymore. After all, her brother, with his scars and tattoos, looked far more scary. But Lott was a close second. Especially since he sometimes acted as if he didn't have a thing to lose.

"I'm laughing because you wanted to make sure it was me, even though you say no other boy comes calling."

"You never know."

Stepping closer, Lott looked her over from head to toe. His gaze, so slow and thorough, felt like a caress. It made her feel self-conscious but so many other things too. Mature and pretty. Worthy and special. All wrapped up in a neatly tied bow of guilt. Neither her parents nor Seth were going to like that she was meeting him in secret.

She could handle her parents' disappointment. After all, they always seemed to be disappointed in her for one reason or another. But upsetting Seth was another thing entirely. She didn't want to hurt him in any way. He did so much for them. It wasn't right that she didn't seem to mind disappointing him.

"Hey, what's wrong? You're frowning."

"Nothing. I was just thinking about something."

He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Don't think about it, then," he whispered in her ear. "We only have a few minutes together."

"You don't want me to think about anything else but you?" she teased. Inside, she was melting, though.

"That's right. I want you all to myself. Even your thoughts." He grinned.

She knew he was joking. How could he not be? But there was a part of her that felt a little bit apprehensive. Was it normal for a man to be so in love with her that he wanted all of her to be focused on him? Even her thoughts?

Deciding to think about that later, she lowered herself onto an old barrel. "Tell me about your day. How was work?"

He sat down beside her and shrugged. "It was all right."

"You don't like it?"

"I like it fine."

"Lott. Talk to me."

"I don't know." He stared straight ahead as if visualizing his workplace. "Since I'm a brand-new apprentice, I have to do everything no one else wants to do."

"Like what?"

"Errands. Pick up trash. Sweep floors." He rolled his eyes. "I do the same things every day. It's so boring."

"What do you wish you were doing?"

"I want to do real woodworking like your brother does. Or have a cool job like your father's."

"Work for rich and clueless Englishers?" She knew the Jensens were more than that, but there were times when that description fit them best.

"Carter and Emory are rich, but they're good people. I think it's gut that they know to hire your daed to take care of their things." Lott studied her expression. "What does your father think? Does he not like that job?"

"He likes it a lot. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put the Jensens down. Daed has told me more than once that he wished more gentleman farmers cared enough about their land and stock to hire someone who knew what they were doing to take care of them. Plus, they care about our family and always ask about us. They've given my father nice bonuses too." Considering all she'd just shared, she added, "And now I reckon that I've made them sound like saints." She slumped a bit.

Lott sighed. "Melonie, I'm the one who should apologize to you. I'm in a bad mood because I want to be happier. I want to have a job I love. I want to be making enough money to propose and marry you and live on our own. I want things to be different. Your daed glared at me the entire time I was at your haus."

"Things will get better." She sure didn't know how, though. Seth had told her more than once that it wasn't possible to change the past and that the best thing to do was to come to terms with it and move on. Not everyone believed that, however.

"I hope things do get better." He looked at her intently. Then, after kissing her lightly on the lips, he turned away. "I'm going to go."

"Already?" They'd hardly gotten settled.

Lott looked regretful but determined. "I need to go home and shower. Plus, what did you say you were doing?"

"That I was going to the market."

"You'd better do that, then. Your mother's going to wonder what happened to you if you don't return soon."

Lott wasn't wrong. "Yeah. I guess I'd better get on my way too."

Just like they were spies in a novel, they always took care to leave separately.

Melonie half-heartedly stood up. But just as she did, a rustle came from the thick woods behind them. The hair on her arms stood up as she craned her neck to try to see where the noise had come from. "Did you hear that?" she whispered.

"Nee. It's fine, Mel. I'll watch you go. No one is there."

She watched the shrubs and bushes near her as she walked. Looking for movement. Listening for any twigs breaking.

But nothing happened.

Obviously she'd let her imagination get the best of her again. She just really needed to be careful and not get caught. She was trespassing on someone else's property and meeting Lott Hostetler, who was far from her parents' dream suitor.

She knew better, but she was between a rock and a hard place. They had no choice but to sneak around.

At least, that's what she told herself. The sad thing was that she didn't believe that lie any more than anyone else would.