Chapter 10

Bethanne was sitting on the front porch when Lott got home from work. Like always, his sister had a book in her hands. He'd long ago come to terms with the fact that she found comfort in a bunch of printed pages. To her, they were close to being friends.

Often when he would walk by, she barely seemed to notice if he was near. Their mother said that was rude. Lott didn't know if it was or not. Bethanne was coping the best she could. He figured coping was better than not.

Right at that moment, he was glad she was preoccupied with something. He had a lot on his mind and needed a break. All he wanted to do was take a hot shower, put on clean clothes, and sit for a spell before supper. He had to get his head wrapped around what was going on with him and Melonie.

His mind on those few moments of bliss, he started up the front porch's stairs, intending to walk right by Bethanne.

Instead, she closed her book. "Hey," she said.

It caught him off guard. Curious about what she could want, he stopped on the second step leading up to the porch. "Hiya, Bethy. Um, how's your book?"

She shrugged. "Good enough, I guess. How are you?"

He wasn't good. That's how he was. He was sneaking around seeing Melonie and trying his best not to get in a fight with Joe Miller. But it wasn't like he could tell his sister that. She was delicate, and no one in their family ever did anything to upset her.

"I don't know," he said at last. Of course, on its heels was the knowledge that he should've lied and said he was good. If he'd done that, he could be climbing the stairs to his bedroom and she wouldn't be frowning.

"Oh no. What's wrong?"

Everything was wrong.

Why she was asking, he didn't know. Ever since the incident with Peter, the focus in their haus had shifted. Now everyone worried about Bethanne all the time. Lott didn't mind that. He never had. In the course of one evening, she'd been attacked, witnessed a man's death, and even watched her hero get taken away in handcuffs. That was enough to shake anyone up for a good long while.

But there were times when he didn't want to be singularly focused on his sister's needs. This was one of them. "Nothing's wrong," he said. "I mean, nothing that you need to worry about."

"How come?"

"Because it don't concern you." He climbed the rest of the steps. Gazed at their haus's shiny black front door. It beckoned him like a portal in a novel. If he could get through, he would be able to relax. But then the setting sun hit her reflection on the window just to the side of the door. It caught it just right, and he saw her flinch.

"I see," she said.

But that kind of wasn't true. She didn't see a thing. All she was seeing was him acting awful. Their parents would have his hide, but worse than that, he was ashamed of himself.

"I'm sorry," he said as he turned back around. "I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"Why? Because I'm so messed up?"

Lott was pretty sure he was gaping at her. "I didn't say that, Bethy."

Instead of looking even more flustered or retreating back into the pages of her novel, she continued to gaze at him pointedly. "Were you thinking it, though?"

"Nee." With longing, Lott glanced at the front door once again. Now he felt guilty, exhausted, and angry. It wasn't a good combination. Honestly, his mood was so sour, he wondered if it would be better if he kept walking across the porch, opened the door, and went inside. All without speaking to his sister the rest of the evening. If he avoided her, things would be better.

But what would happen then? Would she tell their parents? And if she did, how much trouble would he get in? Or would she keep her silence, ironically making things worse? How guilty would he feel then?

"Lott, I know I'm putting you on the spot, but please don't go." Bethanne rubbed her temples like she was fighting off a headache. When she looked at him again, her expression was pained but intent. "Look at me, barely giving you a choice. Now I'm the one who needs to apologize. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, but I'm trying to speak my mind more. But sometimes the things I think are so dark, they don't come out of my mouth in a good way."

"The same thing happens to me sometimes," he said.

"Really?" Hope shone in her eyes.

"Yeah."

"I'm kind of glad I'm not the only one." Her eyes widened as she covered her mouth with one hand. "Boy, I don't think I'm supposed to admit that."

He stepped closer. "Who says you're not? Is that what the counselor says?" She still visited with a counselor once a month.

"Nee. I guess I learned that from Mamm and Daed." She lowered her voice. "Or maybe not."

"If you learned to keep your mouth shut from them, I did too. We've been brought up to work hard and not complain."

She swallowed. "I suppose so." Looking at the empty chair next to her, she said, "Would you please sit here with me for another couple of minutes? I know you're anxious to go inside, but I've been waiting for you."

"Of course I'll stay." Everything she was saying took him by surprise. It was freaking him out. She might be his older sister, but he felt like the stronger one. After taking the seat, he leaned forward. "Bethanne, what's wrong? Tell me the whole truth."

"All right." She took a bracing breath, then blurted, "I need to find a way to see Seth Zimmerman. You're working with him at Porter Construction, right?"

"I'm working there. And Seth is too. But I'm just an apprentice and right now they're giving me stupid jobs. I have to clean and sweep a lot."

"Are you able to see Seth or not?"

"I see him from time to time, but we don't talk all that much."

"Why not? Is it because he's too busy?"

"Jah. And because Porter, my boss, said that he didn't hire me to bother everyone. Porter Construction is a really good company, you know. They've got lots of projects they're working on, and each of those clients want things done well and completed as quickly as possible."

"Could you maybe go in a couple of minutes early or stay a couple minutes late and ask if I could see him?"

She made everything sound so easy. "Where are you planning to have this meeting? Mamm and Daed might want to know about this—they'll notice if he shows up at the haus."

"I don't want them getting in the middle of it. I thought I would go to his haus."

She couldn't be—"You can't do that."

She scowled. "You don't really think he's dangerous, do you?"

"Not really. But going to an ex-con's haus by yourself will damage your reputation." He felt like pulling his hair out. What had happened to Bethanne over the last couple of years? It was like she'd forgotten how everything functioned in the real world.

"Oh, please."

"Bethanne, you are an unmarried woman. You aren't supposed to go to any man's haus without a chaperone. It's going to cause talk."

"Oh, for Pete's sake. Do you really think I'm worried about my reputation?"

"You should be." Though, he was starting to realize that he was sounding ridiculous.

After glancing over her shoulder, she lowered her voice. "You know that a lot of people think that Seth started fighting Peter after he'd already raped me."

"No one thinks that."

"Sure they do. Everyone is sure that I'm ruined. That's why no man has come calling since it happened."

He shook his head. "You don't know that's—"

"I know, Lott."

She sounded so sarcastic, and he was starting to regret not going through their front door. "Is this another one of those times when you're wishing that you'd kept your mouth shut?"

She chuckled. "Nee, but I have a feeling this is one of those days when you wish you didn't have to talk to me."

"You're right about that." They both knew he was kidding.

"Please help me, Lott."

"Why do you need to see Seth?" he asked.

"Because I want to apologize to him."

"You already did apologize in your letter."

"He never wrote me back. I don't think it was a good enough apology."

"Bethy, that's sweet, but you don't owe anyone anything."

"That's not true. I owe Seth a conversation, you and our parents a break, and me a fresh start. It's past time."

He studied her. Something had changed. Maybe it was that she suddenly had hope, maybe it was just that she'd had enough of reliving the one night that changed everyone's life. She'd made her point. "Fine."

Her eyes brightened. "Really? You'll help me?"

"I'll ask Seth if you can see him." Thinking through it, he added, "Maybe he'll be okay with seeing you if both me and Melonie are there." He relaxed, imagining that scenario. Melonie would make things go smoothly. She had that way about her.

"I don't want Melonie to be there. Or you." She waved a hand. "I mean, you can go with me, but I'm not going to want you to be in the same room. You'll have to wait for us someplace else."

"I'm already involved. So's Melonie." Feeling impatient, he added, "Why are you being so difficult?"

"I'm not, but I want some space when I speak to Seth."

"Listen, we also need to be there because none of us live in a vacuum, Bethy. I wasn't in the woods when Peter assaulted you, and Melonie wasn't at the party that Seth left, but we might as well have been there. Everything that happened affected us all." It had changed his life. All of their lives. He wished she would realize that.

He also wished he hadn't brought it up.

The expression on her face told him that she had been affected by his little speech. It had made her feel guilty too. Even though she had nothing to feel guilty about.

But seconds later, Bethanne pulled herself together. "All right. Fine," she said around an exhale. "When will you see Seth again?"

"Tomorrow."

"And you'll speak to him then?"

"I'll try."

"Danke."

He nodded as he went inside.

Their whole conversation had thrown him for a loop. He hoped it also wasn't going to cause a lot of trouble for everyone involved.

But how could it not?