Chapter 15

Seth rarely worried about how other people perceived him anymore. He figured living behind bars surrounded by criminals and guards did that to a person.

When he'd returned home, he'd been ostracized. Most people in the Amish community acted as if he didn't exist, and the few who did acknowledge him did so with varying degrees of warmth. He'd pretended not to notice and lived his life, certain that God still loved him and was on his side. If someone at the market or on the street found fault with him, he shrugged off their concerns.

The only exception to this was Tabitha. She was so damaged, he didn't want to ever be the cause of more pain for her. So he was tentative around her. Hesitant. But not because he was nervous. He just wanted to set her mind at ease. To be the person she needed him to be so she could come out of her shell.

However, this walk with Bethanne Hostetler proved Tabitha wasn't the only exception. In spite of the chill in the air, his palms were sweating and he felt like he wasn't getting enough oxygen. Bethanne didn't look any more comfortable than he was.

Seth didn't know her very well, so he stayed silent. She had been the one to request the meeting, and he didn't want to start talking or asking questions before she had the chance to speak her mind.

But as their walk continued and she barely looked at him, dark thoughts slid into his head. Maybe she hadn't called the meeting at all. Maybe she'd felt pressured to speak with him, though he couldn't imagine why that would be. After another two minutes passed, he couldn't take the silence any longer.

"Did you change your mind about talking, Bethanne?" he asked.

"Oh, nee. I still want to."

"Where would you like to have this discussion, then? Do you want to keep walking or stop?" He knew it didn't matter, but he needed to take some control.

She stopped. When she glanced behind them, her eyes widened. "I wanted to get far enough away that our conversation would be private, but I didn't realize we walked so far. We can stop now."

They were on a narrow stretch of the dirt path. A patch of poison oak covered the ground just a couple of inches from his feet.

He gestured to a spot several feet ahead. "How about we go to that spot up by the rock? We could sit down."

"All right. I'll follow you."

When they reached the clearing, he sat down on the ground, more than ready to hear whatever was on her mind.

Bethanne sat down on a good-sized rock. She was a graceful thing. Back before the whole Peter Miller incident, she'd been a popular girl. All the boys had their eyes on her.

"Seth, I wanted to apologize to you again for ruining your life."

This was what she'd needed to say? "You've already apologized. Plus, that first apology was unnecessary. What happened between me and Peter had nothing to do with you."

"I disagree."

"Bethanne, you know what I mean. His death was not your fault. Not even a little bit."

"I disagree." She leaned forward slightly. "Obviously, I've had a lot of time to think about what happened. I'm embarrassed about how stupid I was."

He shook his head. "You weren't stupid."

"I left the party with Peter. No girl with good morals would have done that in the first place."

"Bethanne, a lot of couples were going into the woods. You weren't the first girl to want a few moments alone with her boyfriend."

She scowled for a second. "He wasn't my boyfriend. Not officially. We'd just been flirting."

Seth wondered why she was thinking such things. Had her parents tried to shame her? Someone else? He would never consider himself a man who conveyed his thoughts and feelings easily, but he had to show her that she needed to stop feeling so guilty—or at least try to. "What I'm trying to say is that everyone knew that you were innocent. And though you were smart, you were also sixteen. Pretty much everyone went into the woods for some privacy from time to time. But just because you did, that didn't make it right for Peter to force himself on you."

"If I had stayed with everyone else, he would still be alive."

"You don't know that. The Lord is in charge of our lives."

Looking impatient, she tugged at the side of her dress's apron. "Okay, how about this? If I had stayed with everyone else, you would not have gone to prison."

"Again, we don't know what would have happened. But it doesn't matter anyway. I did go, I'm out, and I'm fine. Stop worrying."

"But you aren't the same!" she blurted out, then clapped a hand over her mouth.

He stilled, finally understanding why she was so upset. "You're right. I'm not. But that's okay."

She shook her head. "You've been kept at an arm's distance because you went to prison, Seth. Even though I think Preacher Zachariah and Bishop Wood would welcome you if you asked to be baptized, the Millers don't want to forgive you."

That was true. "I know. They still blame me for Peter's death, and a lot of people in the community don't want to believe that it was an accident. But it was."

Her dark brown eyes glistened. "I don't know how to make your life better, Seth."

"You don't need to," he said simply. "My life is fine."

She opened her mouth, but he continued before she could speak. "Bethanne, look at me. Really look at me. What do you see?"

She stared at him for several seconds before averting her eyes. "I don't know what you expect me to see."

"I want you to see that I'm a grown man. That I have a good job. That I have a home. I want you to see that I didn't fall apart." He lowered his voice. "Do you see me? Do you see that I've gotten stronger? I'm okay, Bethanne."

"But your faith—"

"Is solid," he finished. "Yeah, I did have more than a couple of times when it wavered, but I still believe in God. I still talk to Him. My faith is stronger now too."

Her eyes went wide. "You're telling the truth?"

"I am." Leaning back on his hands, he said, "God was with me when I was in prison, Bethanne. Just like He's with us now. Even though we make mistakes and struggle and falter, He doesn't give up on us. And that's why I haven't given up either. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Gut."

"I guess we didn't need this meeting after all, did we?"

"No, I think we did," he said. "We never really talked. I avoided you because I didn't want to make you upset."

"And I avoided you because I avoid pretty much everyone ... and I didn't want to make you upset either."

He stood up. "Maybe we can change things between us, then. Maybe the next time we see each other, we can say hi and even talk for a few minutes."

"I'd like that." She got to her feet.

"I would too. Now, how about we go back to the firepit and sit with Lott and Melonie for a few minutes. There's no telling what they've been doing all this time."

"I have a pretty good idea," she quipped.

So did he. "Me too. I think we better hurry."

They shared a smile as they hurried back.