18. Callum

18

CALLUM

M y nerves had reached Defcon 2 levels as I waited for Rhys to show up to my place on Friday. All week I had been on edge and anxious after delivering those notes to him, feeling raw like an exposed nerve. I thought over what he had said in the boathouse about seeing the real me and that night his comment had sent me over the edge. It was an unwanted reminder that Rhys had slipped past all my defenses and didn't shrink away from the broken, jagged parts he saw. He saw the image I projected to the world and he hated it. Instead, he preferred all the sides of a Callum I thought died a long time ago, neglected and starved to the point of extinction.

Rhys brought that Callum back to life. It gave me the idea that he deserved to be given all the pieces I still kept from him. So I cut myself open and bled on those pages, hoping it would prove to him that I wasn't going to run away from sharing all of me anymore. I had even more to tell him if he'd let me back in. It was still uncomfortable and a little terrifying to be that unguarded with anyone after hiding for so long, but my mom didn't raise a fucking coward. I could be brave for Rhys…and for myself.

At fifteen past 10am, I was practically crawling out of my skin. Had he changed his mind? Was he not coming after all? Had the gestures not been enough to earn me just five minutes of his time ?

Oh for the love of fuck, get a grip already, Hawkins. He's going to think you're on drugs if you keep being all twitchy like this, you manic fucker.

Just as I gave myself a mental kick in the ass, I heard a knock on the door. I nearly tripped over the coffee table in my rush to open it, and I chastised myself for being an overeager jackass. Seriously, when was the last time I was this unhinged and uncoordinated? If my friends saw this pathetic display, they'd laugh until their lungs shriveled up.

Shaking it off, I opened the door and it was as though I could breathe again for the first time in days. I didn't realize just how much I missed his presence until he was standing right in front of me, his coconut scent as comforting as ever. With an immense strength of will, I held myself back from hugging him and that alone weirded me out. I wasn't a hugger. I'd hugged my mom as a kid, but people holding me like that made me antsy and claustrophobic. However Rhys' arms around me didn't feel like a cage, but more like a weighted blanket. Warm, soothing and reminding me of home.

God, I am fucked, aren't I? Awesome. That's just great.

“Hey,” I choked out. He just gave me a tight, small smile and it pinched my chest. The air between us was thick with unease, and I worried this wasn't going to end how I hoped. “Wanna come in?”

Rhys nodded and stepped around me into the apartment. As he looked around curiously, taking it all in, I realized that he had never been here before. It made sense considering how much time I spent shoving down any speck of feeling I had for him, only running to him when I needed solace. Goddamn, I was a selfish asshole.

“Uh, can I get you anything? Water, soda, beer? Do you even like beer? You don't really seem like you would, you strike me as more of a wine person. Which is cool! We just don't have any wine, but I can run out and get you some. I mean, that's stupid since you just got here, but I totally would and…fuck, your rambling thing is contagious,” I chuckled nervously, my heart thudding painfully. My pulse was racing like I snorted a line of coke and I tried to calm down, but my breathing only sped up.

Rhys made a move towards me and it only made my breathing more erratic. I didn't know what was wrong with me. Before I could spiral into a panic, Rhys slipped his arms around my waist, holding me to him tightly. His touch was a cattle prod to my senses, lighting up every nerve ending. My breath left me in an audible rush, and I folded myself around his shoulders, clinging to the comfort he brought. I fucking hated how tears pricked at my eyes, but it felt so fucking good to touch him. It was something I didn't expect I'd ever get from him again. So much for not being a hugger.

We stayed locked together like that for what seemed like hours, but also only seconds. It was all at once too much and not enough. I didn't let go until my breathing had slowed and my mind finally quieted. I cleared my throat and took a step back.

“You looked like you needed that,” Rhys said softly, that violet gaze feeling like a physical caress on my skin.

“I think I did,” I whispered quietly. I shuffled on my feet awkwardly, unsure of what to do now.

“Cal, I think—” Rhys began, but there was something I had to tell him before I lost my nerve altogether.

“Rhys, wait,” I cut him off gently. “I know you'll probably want nothing to do with me after today and only came here to tell me off, but I need to say one last time how truly sorry I am. I want you to know I called Coach and turned myself in this weekend. I told him what I did to you and asked for whatever consequences he thought were fair. I know it's not enough to make up for everything or show you how much I regret hurting you. I just hope you can give me one final chance to make it right with you. Please, Sweetness. I'm the one begging now.”

Rhys stared at me for several seconds, leaving me hanging in the air with my heart in my throat until he put me out of my misery, one way or another.

“You're wrong,” Rhys finally replied, and my stomach dropped. I started to speak, but he raised a hand to hold me off. “You're wrong about me coming here to tell you off and never see you again. I know about your call to your coach because I called him this week too.”

I could feel the blood drain from my face and my brows wrinkled in confusion. My first thought was that he had called Coach to complain about me again, and Rhys must have seen the worry on my features because he rushed to explain.

“I didn't call him for anything bad! I called him to—to take back the original complaint I made,” he finished on a whisper, his eyes barely able to hold contact with mine. “I wasn't ready to forgive you, but I knew I wanted to fix what I had done. You made a mistake that first night, yes, but after I got to know you, it didn't feel right letting that stay on your record. You didn't deserve to have it all screwed up because I made a rash decision to turn you in. I should have retracted it weeks ago. I'm so sorry.”

“Rhys, stop,” I hushed him, grabbing his hand without thinking. The heat of his palm sent buzzes of electricity up my arm and from the tiny gasp he let out, I wasn't the only one affected. “You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing . This was all me from the very beginning. I was too angry to admit it, but you had every right to turn me in. I worked so hard to make captain, but I stopped working to deserve it. As you've clearly seen, I have an issue with my temper sometimes, but I knew better than to let it get out of hand. I tried to justify my actions a dozen times, but the simple fact is I was wrong. It was a dick move and honestly, if it had been someone else to put their hands on you like I did, I'd fucking strangle them myself.”

His breath caught in his throat at my violent admission, but his pupils dilated ever so slightly. “I thought you didn't care at all,” Rhys laughed dryly. I squeezed his hand and held his gaze.

“Turns out you're not the only one who cares too much,” I confessed and his lips tilted up gently at the corners. “The last thing I expected when I started messing with you was to feel anything but hostility. Every time I thought about you or wanted to be around you, I chalked it up to being obsessed with revenge. By the time I realized what it really meant, I was freaking the fuck out and confused as hell that I stopped hating you and started to?—”

Rhys pinned me with an expectant look, waiting for me to continue. “Started to what?” he asked breathlessly. The words were on the tip of my tongue, pushing to the surface and fighting to break free.

“I started to need you,” I replied. “As fucking crazy as it sounds, somewhere along the way you became one of my closest friends and…” I trailed off, biting my lip as I fought with myself to be honest with him about it all. The way Rhys was looking up at me had heat stirring under my skin, waking that hidden need deep within me that called to him. “And I think I started to…fall for you.”

The words escaped me in a quiet rush and it was as though a giant weight had fallen from my shoulders. Rhys' eyes bugged out comically and I would have laughed if my lungs had been functioning properly. They were frozen, unable to take in air while I searched his face for any hint of acceptance, any sign that he might possibly feel the same. His reactions to my touches and his pleas in the boathouse gave me hope, but Rhys had been burned by me several times. I knew my luck only extended so far.

My fears were confirmed when Rhys' lips turned down and a frown marred his brow. Ice slid down my back and I braced myself for his rejection.

“Cal, I…that's not what I thought I was walking into today,” he stammered, his cheeks flushing. He looked so sweet and shy with that delicious pink stain and that nervous shake in his voice. My fingers twitched to touch him again, but I held myself in check and tried to correct my obvious mistake.

“No, you're right. I'm sorry, that's…you came to talk and I threw that at you out of nowhere. That's not fair to you,” I admitted.

My response must have thrown him off because he shot me a bewildered expression that had me shifting uncomfortably.

“What's that look for?”

“You're just giving me whiplash. You went from tormenting me to talking to me, from pulling away to wanting to be my friend, and from hating me to now falling for me? I don't know what to do with that. You can be so amazing one day and my worst nightmare the next. How do I know what parts to trust with you?” Rhys asked miserably. That familiar guilt crept up again. The only way through this was with the truth, even if it destroyed any chance I had of winning him over again.

“I wish I could say that the good parts you've seen were the real me, but…it's all been me. Cards on the table, I am an angry, cocky, spiteful asshole. That's who I am, Rhys. The things I've gone through have changed me and left behind a shitty, darker side. But that side is just as much a part of me as the good side you've seen.”

“So what does that mean?” he asked nervously.

“Before you, I didn't give a shit that I was that asshole all the time because I didn't want others to see me any differently. That's why I'm Hawk to everyone in my life but you. It was always easier to keep those two parts of me separate. Hawk was the strong, badass athlete who had a great fucking life, and Cal was just…the fucking broken, abused kid who lost his mom. I didn't want to be him. I fucking hated him. Not until you made it feel safe to be him again. I know you don't trust me, but I only want to be Cal with you. No more whiplash, no more Hawk. Just Cal.” My voice was like sandpaper, vulnerability making it rough.

Rhys dug his teeth into that puffy bottom lip of his, his face drawn in contemplation. “You know, you should just drop a hundred into that swear jar you like so much and call it even. Might want to set up a payment plan and make it easy on yourself,” he teased.

“Shut up,” I chuckled lightly. “Here I am being all serious and open, and you're cracking jokes. Way to stay classy, Sweetness.”

His soft laugh was like velvet, drifting across my skin and making me crave to hear it more. He had no idea how fast I was truly falling. There was no stopping it.

“Sorry, I couldn't resist,” he smirked at me shyly. “Okay, look…I need some answers first before I make any decisions.”

“I can do that. Want to sit down for this though?” He nodded and I led us over to my couch. I couldn't help the jolt of happiness when Rhys sat right next to me, leaving only inches between us. I chose to see it as a good sign.

“I don't even know where to start,” he mumbled. Before I could interrupt, his gaze snapped to mine and he shot me a concerned look. “Cal, why did you confess to your coach? Why did you give up being captain like that?”

I blew out a big breath and picked at the skin around my nails. “Because it was the right thing to do. More than that though, it was what you said about me being a coward. You were right. I've been tucking tail and running from shit between us since we met, and all I could think was how disappointed my mom would have been with me. And the more I thought about it, the more sick I was that I ever laid hands on you and harassed you like I did. Jesus, I couldn't stomach the fact that I—”A disturbing truth hit me like a punch to the gut and it nearly stole my breath. “I had become just like my aunt. Shit, I treated you no better than she treated me.”

“Cal, you are nothing like your aunt!” Rhys vehemently argued. “She is a sadistic, cruel woman who hurt a child. Yes, you started out pretty bad for a while there, but that's not really you. She's never felt remorse like you have. Everyone has a dark side to them, but you're more than that. You're a good person. I've always seen it. You two are not the same.”

I blinked back bitter tears, his sweet assurances barely stemming the self-loathing flooding my veins. Possibly sensing my discomfort, Rhys laid his hand on my arm and moved past my shameful admission. “What were the other consequences you got?”

“I actually got off pretty easy considering,” I chuckled mirthlessly. “ I'm obviously no longer captain, but I'm also suspended for the first four games of the season. Coach could have canned my ass, but he said that coming to him showed real character and he wanted to give me a chance to be better. I promised him I would.”

“I'm really proud of you,” Rhys whispered, a hint of a smile on his face. I soaked up his praise like a man dying of thirst. Something about Rhys being proud of me made me feel more worthy than any game I had won or awards I had achieved.

“What will happen with school now that…” he paused, eying me warily.

“Now that I lost my scholarship?” I finished for him. He nodded slowly. “My uncle ended up paying off the rest of my tuition. I'm feeling a lot of ways about it, but at least I get to stay at UT. That was partially why I was such a shit at the party to you. I panicked, thinking he'd let me down like he has before and I just lost it. You actually had the worst timing and called me right after I got into it with him and yeah…you know how that went.”

“Ah yes, memories resurface…your nasty side could give Cersei Lannister a run for her money,” Rhys said sarcastically.

“Is that the brother-fucker on Game of Thrones? ”

“To put it bluntly, yep. That'd be her,” Rhys snorted.

“You're comparing me to a crazy lady who fucked her brother and almost destroyed an entire kingdom? What a glowing recommendation, truly. Thanks so much for that, Evans,” I deadpanned, causing Rhys to laugh at me again. Fuck, I loved the sound of it so much, but even more that I brought it out of him.

“Weirdly enough, I could have said worse. I could have compared you to Ramsay Bolton, and that dude cut off someone's penis and flayed people alive. You want to be a penis-flayer instead? Pick your poison, Hawkins.” Rhys sassing me had a smile spreading across my face, and he answered it with one of his own.

“Oh my god, what the fuck kind of show is this? We've got to look into your TV-viewing habits, Sweetness. I'm getting really concerned now…” I teased, and Rhys shoved me in the shoulder playfully.

“Shut up, that show is amazing! You just have no taste,” he retorted, rolling his eyes at me. Seeing that made my palm twitch and I had the insane urge to put him over my knee and spank his pert ass red.

Jesus, you need to calm all fifty shades of your shit down, Hawk. Damn .

“I mean, considering how I feel about you, I like to think I have excellent taste.” I meant it to be another joke, but Rhys' breath hitched and his eyes stopped my breathing in turn. The mixture of fear and hope in that purple-hued gaze struck me to my core. The space between us shifted, vibrating with an energy that wasn't there before.

I leaned closer without meaning to, some magnetic force drawing me to him that I was powerless against. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his, drowning in the emotion I saw there. Rhys' tongue darted out to wet his lips and my gaze fell to the glistening surface. God, I wanted to taste him. My mouth was dry, blood pounding in my ears, and I was convinced he could hear my heart thud against my ribcage.

He swallowed harshly, drawing my gaze down further. I had to fight not to go bobbing for his Adam's apple and take a bite out of it. A sharp intake of breath had me looking up. We were so close I could count the handful of faint freckles scattered over the bridge of his nose and the way the arch of one eyebrow twitched compulsively. I wanted to run my finger over it and soothe it, kiss every freckle I could find. Our breaths mingled together and suddenly I needed his lips like I needed air.

As soon as the thought pierced my brain, I saw the fear overtake all lust and desire in Rhys' eyes. His gaze shuttered and he yanked away from me, creating space that felt like a gaping chasm that couldn't be bridged. My gut clenched and I worried I'd gone too far.

“Cal, I'm sorry. I shouldn't—I didn't mean to—” Rhys stuttered, wringing his hands together anxiously. “I don't want to give you the wrong idea. I believe you when you say you want to be better and repair our friendship. But that's all I'm able to give you right now. We can try to be friends again, but…that's all we can be. I'm sorry.”

The regret and longing on his face contradicted his words, and I knew the fear was making the decision for him. This was the price I had to pay to keep him in my life. Even though the thought of never being more than friends with him fucking tore me up inside, I would gladly suck it up just to have him in some way.

Two months ago, I never would have imagined being in this position, hung up over a guy who didn't want to be with me and settling for friendship. Hawk would have said “fuck it” and gone out to find some new conquest to prove to himself he felt nothing.

But Cal couldn't bear the thought of losing someone who had become so integral to his life. Not again. I promised Rhys that he'd only get Cal from now on, so I would willingly compromise and be happy to have him as my friend. It gutted me, but it had to be enough.

“I get it, Rhys. I really do. You don't have to apologize,” I said gruffly. “I thought you were gone for good, so being friends seems like a good deal to me.”

He shot me a sad, sweet smile and I did my best to smile back, but it most likely looked stiff and unconvincing. I didn't want him to see just how much his words wrecked me because I'd been a selfish dick with him enough. He needed the best I could give him.

“So how about in honor of our renewed and improved friendship, we put on Game of Thrones and you show me why everyone gets all hot and bothered for that freak show?” I suggested, trying to clear the air of all tension and weirdness that lingered. Thankfully, Rhys took my idea and brightened instantly.

“Deal! I swear, four episodes in and you're going to kiss the ground I walk on for suggesting this show!”

“Wait, hold up! I'm the one who suggested it! You can't be taking credit for my damn ideas, Evans. Didn't your Gran teach you manners, you uncouth fucker?” I teasingly berated him.

“Language! It's your word against mine anyway and you're a disgraced ex-captain now, so who do you think they'll believe?” Rhys laughed and I let out an exaggerated gasp, bantering back and forth with him as we set up the show.

It was a balm to my soul, being with him like this. He was the missing piece that slotted back into my life effortlessly and I thanked all beings above for not losing him. But I couldn't help the thought that drilled at my head as we dove into the first episode and Rhys curled up on one end of my couch.

He'd teased that I'd kiss the ground he walked on, but I'd rather give everything I owned to kiss every inch of him until there was no breath left in my body. A far more depressing thought occurred to me that I'd never be given that chance, not now.

I'd finally gotten Rhys back as my friend, but he'd never be mine . Though I had the sinking feeling that wouldn't stop me from always being his.