15. Rhys

15

RHYS

T hree days. That temperamental turdweed hadn't answered my texts or calls for three days. I didn't know exactly what had sent Cal running on Wednesday morning, but it was probably a safe bet it had to do with his panic attack. I woke up to him whimpering and twitching behind me on the couch, clearly in the midst of a nightmare. I wrestled with the decision to wake him or not since I vaguely remembered reading that pulling people out of nightmares was a bad thing. Or was that sleepwalking?

Either way, I didn't have long to think about it before Cal had crashed to the floor and started hyperventilating. Pain and fear were prominent in his eyes and my heart had broken for him. I remembered learning about grounding techniques from a psych course I took, but I never thought I'd have to use them. I was hit with a ridiculous amount of satisfaction that I had been able to soothe him and bring him out of it.

My stomach still flipped if I thought about how he had pierced me with those beautiful eyes of his and told me I was all he could see. Inappropriate swooning aside, all I had wanted was to hold him close and keep him safe from the thoughts that plagued him. Then he promptly freaked out and ditched me faster than a rabbit on crack.

It was beyond frustrating to be stuck in this seemingly endless cycle where he'd finally let me in only to turn his back on me before coming back again like an unhinged boomerang. I was losing my dang mind because when I got to see behind the mask he cowered behind, he was all I wanted. His anger was just a front, a bodyguard for the pain polluting his blood. I knew him, recognized something deeper in him that called to me. As ludicrous as that sounded, it felt like I was meant to know him.

Not even Connor had given me the connection and chemistry that I found with Cal in spades, despite our tumultuous start. Even when I was scared of his intentions, a part of me craved the fear and anticipation of what he'd do to me. All it took was that first time in the classroom for him to unlock a dark part of me I was too scared to shine a light on.

In the past, my body recognized that each time I managed to attract a new tormentor that pain would follow. Sometimes physical, most of the time mental, but always painful. The mental scars were the worst though because they never quite healed right. You can't set a bone or splint the fracture of hateful words telling you you're ugly, pathetic, unlovable. There is nothing that can fully repair the damage of being told your parents are better off dead than being with you.

But when Cal needled at my sanity while bringing me mind-numbing pleasure, it didn't trip the same alarm bells. I was fully aware that he hated me, that he wanted to hurt me in some way, but my body felt there was something about him that was inherently…safe.

Yes, I am fully aware that I have earned a one-way ticket to a padded room and a nice Thorazine drip. I know this. No reminders are needed, thanks.

I even thought I was being proven right when Cal started to open up to me and bury the hatchet, and not in my back. Now the mysterious little cretin had disappeared again and I failed to understand why. Had I not shown him I could be trusted? That I wouldn't judge him?

Doesn't he know how much I care?

“Honestly, if I were you doll, I'd just find some way to ambush him and make it so he can't ignore you any longer. But we all know I have a flair for the dramatic, so maybe toning it down a bit would be best practice,” Fin chirped through my phone. Not gonna lie, I kind of spaced out and forgot I had called him to vent about everything. I had been hanging out with Micah and his friend Bash for the day, but I needed a break. The awkward sexual tension between them was stifling. Those two just need to boink and get it over with. Yeesh .

“I don't know. Of course I want to talk to him, but I also don't want to be that person who can't take a hint. I mean, if he wanted to talk at all, he'd answer the phone, right?” I held my breath that maybe there was a chance I was wrong. That Cal hadn't just given up on me and Fin would convince me I only needed to try a little harder.

“Babes, I would usually say that's the case when a guy ghosts you, but this is also a little different. You're not dating hottie Hawkins, you're trying to be a friend. Plus you said he has the tendency to shut down when things get weird, so he might need a good push. Didn't he invite you to that party tonight at the lake?”

Right. I had forgotten about that dumb party. I had been too busy trying to decipher why Callum Freakout Hawkins was avoiding me to think about it. “Are we really counting that in the “good ideas” column? What if he gets pissed that I'm there?” I asked worriedly. I didn't fancy being alone out at the lake if things went south, particularly when I'd be outnumbered by wasted jocks.

“Well, at least you'd have your answer. This holding pattern you're both in isn't healthy, and you need to figure things out. But I'm also the queen of bad decisions when it comes to relationships, so what the hell do I know? OMGeez, I'm coming! Give me a minute, babe!” Fin yelled to a grouchy voice in the background.

“Wait, is that…are you back with your ex?” I asked curiously.

I heard Fin let out a resigned sigh. “Ugh, yes and no. Yes, I'm technically with him right now, but no we're not officially together. We're…working it out. Maybe. Possibly. We're taking part in horizontal negotiations...in bed. Whatevs, that's not important and you're distracting me! Go to the party, look smokin', and make him talk to you!”

I groaned and let my head fall back on my pillow, contemplating whether or not this was the most idiotic plan known to man. “Fine. I'll try my luck at the party, but if he snaps, murders me, and tosses my body in the lake, I am coming back to haunt your meddlesome butt,” I griped, earning me a snicker from Fin.

“Get in line, Reese's Pieces. My butt has a waiting list,” Fin teased. “Be safe and call me if you need me!”

I promised I would before hanging up. Somewhere in the recesses of my brain, I knew this wasn't a good idea, but I was left with few options. I hadn't ever been to Cal's place to know where it was and there were no classes for the next week, so I wouldn't know where he'd be for the next ten days. I was going to Hamilton this business and not throw away my shot. I ran out to the living room to tell Micah the change in plans.

“Hey M, if you two don't mind, I'm gonna head out to this lake party I got invited to,” I started, catching my roomie cuddling with Bash on the couch. For two people who say they're just besties, they do an awful lot of cuddling. Aww, they're so darn adorable and clueless.

“ You're going to a party? You hate parties,” Micah said, giving me a befuddled look while Bash ran his hand up and down his arm. A flare of jealousy ran through me, not over Bash, but of what he and Micah had. I wondered if Cal and I would ever have anything close to that. Obviously not if my current predicament was anything to go by, but no sense dwelling on the negatives.

“Oh, I still do. I wouldn't go if I didn't think it was important. It's for a friend.” Eh, close enough to the truth.

“Okay? Well, you do what you need to do,” Micah smiled at me. “Just please be careful!”

“And hey, if you need a ride or anything, let us know and we can swing by,” Bash piped up. Ever since I met him, Bash had been kind to me. He was also incredibly easy on the eyes, but I wasn't one to drool over my friend's man… or not his man? Honestly I have no idea what the heck is going on with those two. That’s a whole other story.

“That's really sweet, but I'll be alright. I'm just gonna take an Uber and ask my friend for a ride back,” I shared. “You two have fun and don't wait up for me.”

I hustled back into my room to my closet, hunting for the perfect outfit to catch Cal's attention tonight. I mean, I was going there as his friend, but it didn't hurt to rev his engines a bit either. The only problem was that my closet looked like the extras trailer for Freaks and Geeks . Not revving anybody's anything with that stuff.

Desperate times, desperate measures and all that…

“Hey Micah? Do you love me enough to let me raid your closet?”

My stomach was a giant chaotic knot the entire drive to the lake. As the Uber rounded the bend down a long, winding road, the massive house came into view. My nerves dialed up another few notches as I thought for the tenth time that night that this was a bad idea. I'd be lucky to find Cal in that monstrosity, let alone talk to him.

I sifted through the crowd of people littering the lawn, saw a group of them down by the lake jumping into the water. I remembered Cal mentioning there was skinny dipping and I hoped he wasn't among them right now. Jealousy burrowed into the pit of my gut at the thought of anyone else seeing Cal in all his naked glory.

Shaking off that thought, I waded into the house that was teeming with sweaty bodies, alcohol, and booming music. Anxiety riddled my body and I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, especially when I caught some glances as I made my way through. Some guys were shooting me with what I suspected were heated looks, but my self-esteem stopped those thoughts in their tracks. Micah's sexy, borrowed top might have given me a little appeal, but I was still Rhys underneath it. Mousy, boring Rhys. Tight jeans and a mesh shirt weren't enough to change that. I wasn't fooling anybody, least of all myself.

I couldn't do this. It suddenly felt wrong to track Cal down like this and force him to acknowledge me. It was even worse that I had dressed up like a horny club bunny in the hopes of getting his attention. If he had really wanted me there, he would have texted back this week. I needed to get out of there.

Before I could bail, a hand grasped my arm. “Rhys? That you?”

I whirled around to see Bash's friend Dawson, those powder blue eyes of his looking me over curiously. I had only met him a couple times so far, but he was super nice and yes, also gorgeous. I swear, these dudes look like the unrealistically beautiful cast of a CW show. Just my luck, I look more suited for Nickelodeon.

“Oh hey, Dawson. What are you doing here?” I asked dumbly, but really he had more cause to be there than I did, being a football player and all. I was under no illusions about being an outsider at this party.

“Eh, a bunch of guys on the team were invited and they dragged me along. It's not too bad so far. You here with Micah?” He asked, smiling at me kindly.

“Uh no, Micah's hanging with Bash tonight. I was looking for someone, but I think I'll just head home instead,” I said lamely. Dawson's brows knitted in concern.

“Well, don't go home yet. Come hang out with us,” he suggested, tugging me gently with him to a group of guys talking and laughing by the back patio .

“D-man, there you are! Where'd you disapp—oh hello there!” a shaggy cute blond guy shouted at Dawson before his eyes zeroed in on me, a wide grin on his face. “Who'd you kidnap this time, D? Props to your choice!”

“Shut up, Nate. Do not scare him. This is Rhys, Micah's roommate. Rhys, this asshat is my best friend Nate,” Dawson said. Nate's smirk told me he didn't mind the insult in the slightest.

“He loves me. He just likes to play hard to get,” Nate winked at me, taking a swig of his beer. “So Rhys, what brings you here on this fine evening dressed like that? I definitely approve, by the way.” His bright smile was warm and teasing, so I didn't take offense. He struck me as the casually flirty kind.

“I-I was invited by a friend. I just can't seem to find him. Not really sure if he even wants me here, actually,” I mumbled, fairly certain my cheeks were bright red.

“I'm sure that's not true. What makes you think he doesn't want you here?” Nate asked sympathetically.

I squirmed, not really wanting to delve into the circumstances that brought me there. “He just hasn't talked to me in a few days, and he hasn't brought up the party except the one time. I only want to talk to him, but he's been avoiding me, so I thought this was the best way to make him stop running. Is that stupid? It's so stupid, right? Ugh, this was a mistake,” I rambled, wanting to run away myself and hide in embarrassment.

Nate slipped his arm around my shoulder and gave me a reassuring squeeze. “Hey, it's not stupid. Sounds like he's being a superdouche and ignoring you, so you didn't have an option. You know what you need? A drink. You know what they say. When life gives you lemons, add Vodka. I doubt Vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot…or five. After five, it'll definitely feel like the answer.” Nate nodded and smiled like he'd just solved all my troubles.

“Oh my God, you're lucky it's not illegal to give shitty advice,” Dawson groaned beside him. “Since when has getting drunk ever been the solution to a problem?”

“I think the better question is when is it ever not the solution to a problem? I've always felt better after a session with Mr. Jose Cuervo, but I'm sure vodka is a suitable therapeutic alternative. Don't you worry, Rhysie boy, I'd only give you advice I'd give to myself,” Nate said, giving my shoulder a tight squeeze .

“Okay, now I'm seriously concerned. I feel like I need to call CPS and have you taken away from yourself,” Dawson said solemnly.

It didn't phase his tipsy friend in the slightest. “Umm, it's called Cocktail Therapy, man. Look it up. No better cure for whatever shit life throws at you. That's why chicks are always going out for mimosas and brunch. It's cheaper than a shrink to just have a drink,” he cackled at his ridiculous rhyme.

I laughed as he and Dawson bantered back and forth after Nate finally released me. My gaze kept pinging around the room, finally searching out the person I’d been looking for. I instantly regretted it.

I watched Cal's toned body curve around a short, dark-haired guy who was grinding his hips forward, his fingers sifting through Cal's unruly blond curls. The sight made my stomach churn with nausea and my heart plummeted.

Logically, I knew Callum and I were only friends, no matter how many times I'd lost myself in his touch. He'd made me no promises, but it didn't stop the suffocating knot working its way up my throat. I watched the scantily clad pretty boy koala-climbing on Cal in a mission to mount him right on the dance floor.

I assumed I had died because I seemed to be in rigor mortis. My limbs failed to move an inch and my brain was nothing but white noise. Pain ricocheted through me like a sadistic pinball, every nerve ending fried. When I thought it couldn't get any worse, the guy dragged Cal down to him and licked a path up his neck to the corner of his lips. My lungs froze in horrific anticipation, and only when Cal pulled away from that questing mouth was I able to pull in a full breath.

Cal's gaze instantly floated up to mine and the world stopped. I silently prayed that he would come to me, telling me it was all a misunderstanding before wrapping me in his arms. But when those full lips curved into a wicked smile, I knew immediately I was screwed.

Cal unlatched his handsy partner who pouted angrily as Cal made his way over, his eyes never straying from mine. I moved away from Dawson and Nate, so they didn’t have to witness what was sure to be an awkward conversation. I willed myself to stay calm and hear him out since that was the whole point of me being there.

“Look at you, Sweetness. You wear this hot number for me?” Cal drawled, grazing a finger down my chest slowly. Even after what I witnessed, his touch still left sparks of heat in its wake .

“I wanted to talk to you. I've been worried and you haven't answered my texts,” I said, ignoring his remark.

“Haven't had anything to say to you,” he responded flatly. “I'm surprised you showed up here. Thought you were smart enough to take the hint.”

His words stabbed at me, my hope for reconciling dying a slow death. “I'm smart enough not to give up on a friend when he's obviously hurting,” I retorted. “I'm not an idiot, I know something's wrong. What's changed?”

“Nothing's wrong. Everything's great, friend ,” Cal spat out the word like it was poisonous. I wasn't backing down though.

“That's crap. For some reason, you're running away again and I'm not going to let you,” I told him firmly.

“You should be the one running away, Evans. You coming here was a mistake,” he bit out.

“Maybe it was, but I'm not going anywhere until we talk. I want to understand,” I stated calmly despite the tremble running through me. Slowly, I reached out and ran my fingertips across his cheek. Hope flickered inside when I felt him subtly lean into my touch. “Please…don't push me away,” I softly pleaded.

His blue-green gaze flashed with something dark before he grabbed my wrist, dragging me behind as he stormed out the back doors. I fought to keep my footing as he steered us down the sloping hill behind the house that led down to the lake. For a split second, I worried he had plans to toss me in the water or humiliate me in front of the swarm of half naked people laughing and drinking mere yards from us. I breathed a sigh of relief when he veered to the right toward an enclosed boat dock that jutted out into the water.

He opened the door forcefully and shoved me inside, closing it behind him. There were only three walls surrounding us, but it shielded us from the boisterous crowd. The moon flooded the space with scant light behind a large boat bobbing in the water. Cal stalked toward me, and I instinctively retreated from the menacing energy he gave off. He pushed forward until my back hit the wall, and he caged me in with his palms on either side of my head.

“What are y?—”

“Stop talking,” Cal interrupted, his hands landing on my jeans and quickly unbuttoning them. Blood pounded in my ears as he worked my zipper down and yanked my pants down below my rear. Once my boxers were pulled down, he lifted his palm in front of my face. “Spit.”

Lust overrode my senses and potential embarrassment as I followed his brusque command. His fist closed around my cock, scorching it with heat. He slowly worked me over as his gaze burned into me. The darkness cocooned us and all I could focus on was his eyes, my panting breaths, and the pleasure thrumming in my groin.

“Cal, wait…” I moaned, fighting to clear my head even as fire licked up my spine from the pressure of his hand.

“I didn't bring you here to talk,” he growled, shoving two fingers in my mouth roughly. I coughed around the intrusion, but moaned again when he started sawing them in and out of my mouth. The crudeness of the act made me shudder with need. “There you go. Get them soaked for me.”

His other hand shuttled up and down my length a little quicker as I drooled and sucked on his fingers. In some far region of my brain, I realized I was letting Cal work me like a sex-crazed puppet, but I didn't want to stop. Without warning, he pulled out of my mouth and reached under me to run a spit-slick finger up my crease. A sliver of panic hit me since that was uncharted territory for us and no one but Connor had touched me there. The second he teased my puckered rim, all thoughts of stopping fled my mind.

“Let me in, violet eyes,” Cal whispered seductively, and I bore down to grant him access. His finger slid in to the first knuckle, the light burn exquisite after so long without anything back there. I groaned and thrust my hips back as he worked the digit deeper. His other hand gripped one of my cheeks tightly, opening me more to his intoxicating invasion. I was a panting, moaning mess against his cool, controlled exterior. But that intense stare of his exposed the real storm underneath.

Cal crooked his finger to brush against that hidden spot inside and I spasmed in his grasp, the sensation lighting me up. He dragged over it a little harder and my dick pulsed. “Oh God…please, more…” I whimpered and writhed under his ministrations, clawing at his shoulders as he brought me close to the edge. Tingles spread through me, my balls throbbing as my release crept closer. I had never come untouched before, but every thrust against that sensitive button drew me nearer to the edge.

As soon as I tensed in his hold, Cal removed his finger and squeezed the base of my cock to stifle my orgasm. A startled cry escaped me and my face snapped up to his.

“What's the matter, Sweetness? You seem frustrated,” Cal cooed, his tone sugary while his features remained rigid and cold.

“Why did you stop?” I asked breathlessly. “Why are you being like this?”

“Do you want to come or not?” Cal’s rough voice sounded far away through the blood pounding in my ears. Two fingers snuck back into my tight channel and I nearly combusted on the spot. Another moan ripped from my throat and I threw my head back, the incredible feeling silencing the warning bells going off in my head. All I could focus on was my climbing orgasm and the ache in my balls begging for relief.

“I-I wanna come,” I whined, well past caring how pathetic I sounded. I craved that sweet release that he promised, that only he could bring me. He targeted that button again, his fingers moving in tiny circles that shot electricity through my veins. “Oh, yes…” I cried as the delicious buzz spread. Once again, Cal squeezed the root of my dick painfully, strangling my orgasm and making me shout in frustration.

“Isn't this what you wanted? What you always want? To see the real me?” Cal taunted. The fingers deep inside me pushed hard at my prostate as he ran his fist slowly up my pulsing cock. The dual sensation of pain and pleasure made the tears flow and I was overwhelmed with it all.

“P-please,” I sobbed, trying and failing to push him back to get space from him. He was too large, too consuming, stealing all the air from my lungs. I was no longer on the precipice of coming, but of breaking at his feet.

“You don't know me,” Cal sneered as his fingers pistoned into me relentlessly, cutting off my words. I sobbed and gripped his arms harder, digging my nails in in a vain attempt to gain some control. But it was too much. He was shattering me with every word, every thrust and I couldn't take it anymore.

Cal's tongue traced the path of a tear running down my cheek, the gesture making me tremble. “If your tears taste this good, I wonder how your cum tastes,” he goaded and I snapped.

“STOP!” I cried out, shoving his chest hard as he immediately released me. Tears were streaming down my face, blurring my vision of him. Cal just stood there, hands held up in surrender .

“Look who's finally had enough,” he said coldly.

A sob wrenched from my throat as I scrambled back into my jeans to cover myself from his harsh glare. “What the hell is wrong with you? What did I do to make you so angry?” I pleaded, fighting to steady myself and not show him any more weakness than I already had.

“What's wrong with me ? You are the problem, you always have been. I was just a fucking idiot to think differently,” Cal scowled, breathing hard.

“How am I a problem for you? I thought we were friends now! What did I even do?” I asked exasperatedly, my voice climbing.

“Your memory cannot be that short, Evans. Your fucking complaint?—”

“I thought we were past that stupid complaint!”

“Well, we're not!” Cal shouted, features twisted in rage and I stumbled back. “I lost my fucking scholarship because of you! It's gone! I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to make amends with you, but I got screwed over anyway. Now, I have no damn clue what's going to happen with school because I have to rely on my fa?—”

He cut himself off fast, turning away from me as his hands threaded through his curls roughly. His distress gutted me in spite of his cruelty tonight. My mind stuck on the fact that he blamed me for losing his scholarship. In a way, he was right. My own trauma was responsible for wanting to punish Cal after that first night. My complaint started all of this, and I had since realized that only part of it had been valid and he had apologized. That one bad night wasn't the sum total of who he was, was it?

“Cal, I am so sorry. I didn't mean—I never thought…” I stuttered, my thoughts tripping over themselves and making words difficult.

“What, you never thought I'd be punished? Wasn't that the whole damn point?” He snarled, stepping closer with each word. “Teach me a lesson so I'd mend my naughty ways. You always have to be right, don't you? Self-righteous, innocent little Evans trying to put the mean, old jock in his place.”

My throat closed up and I tried to swallow down the bile rising. His anger was scalding and I couldn't bear the thought of him hating me again. We couldn't go back to that.

“No, that's not what it was. I don't care about being right! I care about you,” I exclaimed, wanting him to know how much I wished I could take it back. “I can fix it, just give me a chance. ”

He barked out a disbelieving laugh, the sound of it like shards of ice digging into my skin. “You can't fix it. It's done. My only hope for remaining at UT rests with someone I'd rather die than accept help from, and I highly doubt he'll even come through. He never has before. Then again, the same can be said of you, Sweetness,” Cal said venomously, bringing his face close to mine. “Deep down, I really thought that once we were friends, you'd see I wasn't the piece of shit you thought I was that night. I tried to make things up to you and I thought you'd do the same. I believed that somehow you'd be the one person who wouldn't let me down when it counted most.” His voice trembled and I itched to touch him, to bring him comfort as I had before.

“You can count on me,” I whispered, “I promise you can! I really didn't think it would turn out that way. I didn't mean to hurt you…”

In the pale light streaming in, I could just make out the sheen of tears that coated his hypnotic eyes. Those eyes I had been dreaming of more nights than I cared to admit. I felt his misery like an iron grip around my heart. I held my breath as his gaze ran over every inch of my face, as if memorizing each detail.

“But you did,” he breathed, and my heart stopped. “I had one thing left in this world that meant anything to me, and it's gone because of you.” He pushed away from me with a disgusted scoff and it clawed at the open wound inside me created by years of that same sound from others. It killed a piece of me to know that I seemed to sicken him now.

“So that's it?” I ground out as he paced in front of me. “After everything we felt with each other, everything we shared, you're just going to run away from this?”

He whirled on me fast. “What we felt together? You think what we shared was so important? We both lost someone, so what? You seem to think we have this great connection between us, but it meant nothing. It was fucking foolish of me to try to be friends when we never would have crossed paths if you hadn't stuck your nose where it didn't belong. I'm not running away from anything. This,” he gestured between us, “shouldn't have happened.”

“You're wrong,” I snapped. “You're pissed and I get it, I really do. I wish I could take it all back, but that doesn't erase what's between us. You're not even giving me a chance to try to help. I know you were happy with me, that you felt safe. I felt it too! Why would you throw that away because I made one mistake? ”

“I was wrong. People like me don't get to be happy or safe. It's not in the cards for me. And you're forgetting this all happened because I made one mistake. I might have been a fucking sucker to think things would turn out okay, but this goddamn mess you've gotten me into reminded me that it was only temporary , ” he huffed out.

I shook my head harshly. “That's bull. You're a coward. There's a part of you that doesn't want to be happy, that doesn't want to feel better, so you're not even fighting. It's easier to sink into the pain because that's all you think you deserve. You're better than this. You think you're too broken, but you're not. I see you, Cal?—”

“Stop trying to see me!” Cal barked, pushing into my space and freezing the blood in my veins. “There is no good to find in me, and you're fucking fooling yourself if you think there is. I am damaged and you cannot fix me. We can't be friends. You see the world in so much gray, but it's just black and white. There are those who care and those who don't. You care far too much, Sweetness, and I can't be bothered to care at all. You are nothing to me but what I can get from you. All I need are your tears and your cum, but beyond that? I have no use for you. So stop trying to see me as some prince in your story when we both know I am only capable of playing your villain.”

His scathing words left me speechless, drowning in pain so intense it infiltrated my bones. How did I get it so wrong? What happened to the Callum who had shown me all his vulnerabilities and let me into that raw place that housed his hurt? Had I imagined the times he seemed as helpless to the pull between us as I was? It was twisted how he had managed to cut me so deep, yet the only things capable of putting me back together were his strong arms and warm scent. I hated it.

I hated even more that after every bit of poison he poured between us, I didn't hate him at all. I don't think I ever truly did.

“Now if you don't mind, I have better places to be,” he rumbled, turning on his heel and heading for the door.

“Please don't leave like this…” The pathetic words slipped out and I was powerless to stop them. The hurt running through my veins like acid eroded my control. I needed him to stay, to show me there was still a chance to keep him. For a split second, his face fell and I thought I saw a flash of guilt cross his face. But it cleared so quickly, I had to have imagined it. All I was met with was that vindictive mask I despised so much, that Hawk persona he wielded like a weapon.

“If you want to come so badly, do it yourself. But you'll do it to thoughts of me. I wonder how long it'll take for that to wear off,” Cal smirked viciously, smoothing his hair back from his face.

“That's not what I meant and you know it,” I choked out angrily. It was infuriating how badly I wanted to smack that hateful smirk from his face and kiss it off in the same breath.

“I don't really care,” he replied wearily, but then his eyes glinted maliciously. “I'm going to go finish with someone who's actually able to keep my interest up. If you're smart, you'll do the same and stay away from me… Sweetness .”

He strolled out without a second word or glance, leaving me and whatever connection we might have built in the dirt. I was stuck, unable to do anything but try to breathe past the agony filling my lungs. Inside, I was shattered.

I was just as damaged as he claimed to be and there was no fixing me either.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed before I limped out of the boat dock, dragging my dignity behind like a wounded animal. As nasty as he was about it, Cal was right about me not taking the hint. I had ignored the unanswered texts, the heartless words, and his rough handling and somehow I still harbored hope up until he walked out on me. But the message had been received loud and clear now.

I might have been naive and hopeful, but even I recognized when to fold a losing hand. Despite my shameful display tonight, it wasn't in my nature to chase after someone, especially if they didn't want to be caught. If I could leave Connor in my past, I could do the same with Cal. It's not like I don’t have practice with that…I’m practically a freaking expert at this point.

I trudged back up the lawn while trying not to dwell on the events of the last half hour. Thankfully, the deafening noise of the party surrounded me again and helped drown them out. I pushed through the party goers, wanting to escape home so I could fall apart in peace. That turned out to be a pipe dream when I caught sight of Cal hiking up the stairs to the second landing.

I'm going to go finish with someone who's actually able to keep my interest up.

Cal's parting shot down by the lake rang in my head, and I knew what he was going to find up there. After all, it matched his MO from the party where I met him. Images of him dancing with that boy from earlier invaded and I felt sick imagining them upstairs together. I rushed out the door, unable to stomach even a second in that house while Callum got off with someone else. I was sure that there was nothing left of my heart to break, but I wasn't about to put it to the test.

Stumbling out onto the gravel driveway, I clumsily pulled out my phone to order an Uber back to the city. As I waited, my brain scrambled for a way to make sense of everything that had transpired.

I thought about how the Cal tonight was nothing like the man who had fought for my friendship and leaned on me in his dark moments. I fought to reconcile what I knew about his past with how he reacted, and I remembered how terrified he was to lose that scholarship that was keeping him at UT.

Without it, he knew it was highly probable that he'd be thrust back into his aunt's world and the images that conjured churned my stomach. God, I really screwed up not taking that complaint back when I still could. I couldn't even remember now why it was so important to me before. In the face of what I knew about Callum, that one mistake of his didn't warrant the distress he was obviously suffering.

No wonder he hated me again. But no matter the context for it, I couldn't condone his behavior tonight and I couldn't forget his vitriol. Everything he said in that boat house had ripped at old wounds and no doubt created new ones. I didn't think I'd ever forgive him, but I also wouldn't forgive myself for hurting him in return.

Sometimes people are so broken, they don't know how to hold onto something good. They don't believe they can have good things in their life, so they push them away before they have a chance to lose them. It's hard to convince someone they deserve happiness if life has done nothing but show them it never lasts. It wasn't my job to make Cal believe that, no matter how much I wished he would.

I felt more deeply for Cal than I was ever prepared for, but he'd had enough power over me since the beginning and at some point, I needed to take that power back. He had succeeded in breaking me more than I thought was possible, but I promised myself years ago to never let someone break me again, to be strong enough to heal myself.

I needed to keep that promise and stitch myself back together, starting tomorrow. Tonight, I was going to let myself fall apart and sink into the heartbreak that came from falling for Callum Hawkins.