Chapter 8

Sen

Mom:Mr. Hamilton is in the office until 5 today.

Are you going to call him?

"Did someone send you an unsolicited dick pic?" Brooks asked, leaning across the table to peer at my phone.

I flipped it over and set it down. "If only."

"Oooh." His teasing tone made me scowl.

"Not for real. It's just my mom."

"She on your ass?"

"Something like that."

"You should tell her to fuck off," West suggested through his mouthful of chow mein. It was pretty disgusting.

"That's probably not the right move."

He shrugged and stuffed more food into his mouth. "It's what I would do. Worth the black eye."

Brooks and I shared a similar look. Thankfully, West didn't seem to expect a response. The guy could hold a one-sided conversation better than anyone I'd met. If there was a stretch of silence, you could count on him to fill it.

I flipped my phone again and scrolled to the email she'd sent me over the weekend.

Derek Hamilton, LMHC.

He sounded like a dick. I wasn't a fan of therapists. The ones at Camp Dumont had seemed nice at first, but they came up with some pretty fucked up exercises. They lured you in under false pretenses of safety, then used it against you.

My thoughts shifted to Travis. He'd made that mistake and screwed us both over in the process. It was a lesson I'd needed to learn, though. It got me to the place I was now. Not him, though.

With my appetite successfully ruined, I pushed my tray away. West looked at it and I breathed a laugh. When I gestured toward it, he pulled it over and proceeded to demolish it. I didn't know it was possible to eat that much and maintain the amount of muscle he had. Lean, mean machine indeed.

Maybe I should just make an appointment. It couldn't hurt.

Could it?

I'd think about it later. The thought of going made me nauseous, but so did the thought of not going. Right now, I just wanted to focus on school. I also needed to look for a job.

"Do you know if there's anywhere hiring?"

Brooks drummed his fingers on the table. "A million places, I'm sure."

West rolled his eyes. "Don't ask him. He has a trust fund."

"Don't fault me for that."

"I'm not, but neither am I listening to anything you have to say about jobs and shit."

"Is that a no?" I prompted.

"The cafeteria probably. Taco Bell. I don't know."

I grimaced. Fast food didn't sound like my thing. Anything part-time for a college student sounded less than appealing, but I was sure a certain hierarchy existed.

"Get one of those apps," he went on. "If you go in asking about a job, they'll just tell you to do that anyway."

"You're probably right. My dad told me to bring my resume to a bunch of places. He didn't believe me when I said that's not how things work anymore."

"Ha! Screw that. I'd rather be poor."

While he continued to go on about why companies should let everybody work from home, I downloaded a job-hunting app. I didn't have anything to put on my resume except for my two-year degree. Looking at it when I finished, I realized how pathetic it was. Taco Bell was sounding more realistic by the second.

After it came up with my suggestions, I started clicking ‘apply' rapidly. If I wasn't a match, they'd just trash it, so I didn't see the harm. There was no way I'd read through each of the job ads. This wasn't a long-term career and none of them paid enough for me to put in that kind of time.

Adulting sucked. My parents told me not to grow up so fast. Now look at me. I was grown up and I wasn't having a good time.

"West, I swear to god," someone roared from behind me. "You're going to find yourself chained at the bottom of the Pacific soon."

The bench moved as he sat down. I was hit by his juniper scent, but it didn't send me into a minor panic this time. We hadn't seen each other in a few days, even though he lived next door. I wasn't sure where we stood on the friends front and for some reason, he made me more nervous than the others, so I didn't take the initiative.

"What'd I do?" West asked, perching his chin in his hands.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe you sent some dude to my door for a study session. For a class I'm not even taking."

"Did you let him in?"

"No, I didn't let him in. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"He was nice and you like blondes."

Kai scoffed. "I like blondes. Right, okay. Stop trying to set me up with guys on campus."

I looked up from my phone. Shifting my gaze between the two of them, I tried to figure out what was going on. They were in an intense stare-off, except West was clearly trying not to burst into laughter.

"Why are you sending guys to his door?" I asked.

"For fun," West replied, waggling his brows.

"So, you're like… Fucking with him?"

"No. Kai is a certified ass muncher."

"That's offensive," Kai muttered.

"Fuck. My bad. Kai is gay."

I blinked. "Oh. Uh, cool."

Kai cocked his head. I felt my face heat under his stare, so I averted my gaze.

"He was nice," West insisted.

"He looked breakable. Seriously, he was Tom Cruise sized."

"Don't height shame."

"I'm not shaming, I'm exercising a preference, which you are very aware of. Don't tell me you weren't trying to piss me off."

"Okay, maybe I was upset about you leaving on Saturday."

"Talk to me next time instead of forcing me to gently let a guy down when he already seemed fragile."

"Poor guy. Imagine being turned down by someone like you. It's like shattering their dreams."

Kai groaned and dropped his head onto the table. "I hate you."

"What? I'm serious. Wouldn't you be upset, Sen? Brooks?"

"Might as well be rejected by Chris Hemsworth," Brooks agreed.

West turned to me expectantly. I shifted a little. Kai still had his head on the table, but he was leaning on his cheek with his face angled toward me.

Fuck me.

"Yeah, would suck," I said, grimacing when I stumbled over the words. "So, you're both… gay."

West laughed. "No, just Kai."

"Oh. Kasey said she saw you kiss a guy."

"That was me," Kai mumbled. "West assaulted me."

I'd never met anyone like this group. West and Brooks were straight, but they so easily made comments about how attractive Kai was. West kissed him like it was nothing. I didn't know how they did that without feeling wrong. All it took was looking at a guy for too long and I would be overcome with shame.

Something twisted in my stomach, but it wasn't the feeling I'd become familiar with. It was akin to jealousy. These people were so comfortable with who they were and they lived unapologetically. I had no idea what that was like. I couldn't do that for fear of losing myself to my urges again. Like before Camp Dumont. Like with Travis. My dad would look at me in the way that made me want to hide or run away.

Feeling awkward, I went back to my phone. There was a text from Kasey asking if I wanted to hang out tonight. She sent it a few hours ago and I still didn't know what to say. I liked her, but I also wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue anything. Dating just felt like work and with everything on my plate, it wasn't a good idea.

The phone buzzed and I pulled down the notification bar to look at the message so that it wouldn't show that I read it.

Dad: I made you an appointment for Friday. Mr. Hamilton is excited to meet you.

What the hell?

Swinging my legs over the bench, I left without a word. When I got outside, I punched the call button and held the phone to my ear.

"Hey, Sen," Dad answered. "How are classes?"

"What the fuck, Dad?"

"You better watch your mouth. What is wrong with you?"

His tone immediately had me second-guessing myself. After a moment, I shook my head and reminded myself why I was angry.

"You can't just schedule things for me and demand that I go."

"You want to go. That's what you told Mom."

"No, I didn't. I said I'd look at it. If I decide to go, I'll call the guy."

There was silence on the other end. It made me more nervous than if he yelled at me.

"You need to calm down," he said after a minute. "Just go on Friday and see how you feel about it."

"I don't want to go."

"What's going on with you? You've been there a week and you're already acting different. I knew this was a bad idea."

"Just stop," I sighed. Suddenly feeling exhausted, I leaned back against the building. "Stop worrying about me so much. You act like I'm gonna fall off the deep end as soon as I'm out of your sight."

"We're worried about you, Seneca. Your mother was in tears last night over it."

In tears? Really? I had a hard time trying to feel bad. I hadn't given them a reason to worry.

"Dad, I don't want to go. I don't need constant reminders."

"It's a sickness, son. Maybe you need a refresher sometimes. It couldn't hurt and it would make us both feel a lot better."

My eyes burned, whether from anger or something else, I wasn't sure. I wondered if it would be like this forever- me always having to actively fix my thoughts and them worrying endlessly. It was so exhausting.

"Fine," I said before I hung up.

I ignored it when he tried to call me back. I had another class in an hour, but I needed to go back to my room. Maybe I could squeeze in a nap. If I missed it today, I couldn't even bring myself to care that much.

When I collapsed onto my bed, I pulled the covers up over my head. Nothing existed outside of my cocoon, which meant it was safe in here. As safe as it could get, at least. I was still alone with my thoughts, which were the entire problem if my parents and the Dumont counselors were to be believed.

I was the problem.

In the darkness of my cocoon, I swore I could hear the creak of a rope. It wasn't a direct memory; just something I'd conjured up after they found Travis in the bathroom, hanging from one of the wooden beams. Fifteen years old and these urges had driven him past the point of desperation.

That'll be you, they told us. That sort of life doesn't result in happiness. It can't.

But… Kai looked happy. The people I saw online looked happy. Was it all a lie?

It didn't matter. I was fixed. There was nothing to freak out about. After I saw Mr. Hamilton, he would confirm that everything was fine. I was doing well.

My parents would be happy to hear that.