Chapter 5

Sen

"Georgia," I repeated, glancing sidelong at Kasey. "I didn't take you for a southern girl."

She laughed; a light sound that almost got lost in the open courtyard. "It was never by choice. My dad was in the military and that was the last place he was stationed before he got out. Clearly, my parents didn't love me enough to move somewhere better."

"Good thing you made it here, then. What are you studying?"

"Photography."

The way her face lit up was adorable. I'd found out that Kasey was a cheerleader, which made a certain amount of sense. She was beautiful and charismatic. In the few days we'd been talking, though, I'd taken her out of the stereotypical box and discovered that she was more than that. She was interesting and smart with an inclination toward deep thoughts. Maybe it made me an asshole that I'd assumed otherwise, but it got straightened out.

My parents would like her. That was one of the first thoughts I had when we ran into each other today. It was ridiculous, obviously, but I often thought about things like that. I wondered what would make them happy and if they'd be satisfied with who I brought home one day. They liked Brianna, my high school girlfriend of three years. When she left for college, they'd been sad about it. Surprisingly, I got over it very quickly. It had almost felt like a relief. I guess that relationship had run its course.

"What sorts of things do you shoot?"

"I like macro photography," she replied. "Especially nature. It's a challenge and you really have to see it in your mind. It's not just ‘point and shoot.'"

"You'll have to show me sometime, but I'll definitely be a little lost."

"If you want, we can go-"

She was cut off by a huge figure that nearly collided with us. Strong arms came around me, lifting me off the ground a little. Just before I was sure the hug was going to end in asphyxiation, I was released.

"Sen!" West greeted too loudly.

"Uh, hey. What's up?"

He slung an arm over my shoulder and started walking. "I saw you across the way and decided we needed to hang out. You didn't come out for burgers the other day."

"Yeah, I was busy. Next time, though."

It seemed weird that Kai told him he'd invited me. Maybe it was West who told him to in the first place. That made me feel a little bit bad for declining, but I felt weird when it happened. Sick, almost.

"Good. We're going tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" I repeated.

He made an affirmative sound. I kept walking, unsure what to say. This was West and we were friends. I was sure there'd be a few people there.

"Okay," I agreed. "Burgers sound great."

"No, this time it's pizza and ice skating."

"Ice skating."

I was aware that I was repeating West's words for no reason, but it just kept happening. When I was in middle school, I went ice skating. I hadn't done it since and neither had my friends back home. There was every chance I'd fall on my face or break something.

"You look scared," West taunted. He turned around and started walking backward. There was a grin on his face that I was starting to think was fixed in place.

"I'll come, but I'm probably not going to skate."

"Boring, but I'll take it. Seven tomorrow, meet in parking lot B, otherwise you're walking."

He looked over my shoulder and his eyes lit up. With a wink at me, he took off, apparently finding someone else to talk to. I laughed and shook my head.

"Pretty sure he's crazy."

"He's already a hit with the cheerleaders," Kasey said. "The girls swoon over him. Too bad he's off limits."

"What do you mean?"

"He's gay."

I stopped walking. "No, he isn't."

"Yeah, I watched him kiss a guy on the football field."

My stomach roiled uncomfortably. West being gay didn't make sense in my head. I wasn't an idiot. I knew that people of every sexuality came in all shapes and sizes, but I still couldn't conceptualize it. He didn't fit into that category.

"Weird," I muttered before I continued forward. "Do you want to come tomorrow?"

Her eyes widened, then she smiled. "Sure. I'm not good at it, though."

"We can break our asses together. I'm sure you'll humiliate me."

"Can't let a guy cling to his arrogance for too long."

Lately, I felt more ignorant than anything. I was twenty years old, but I might as well have been fresh out of high school. Here I was, feeling shocked by some news that wasn't even a big deal. I didn't have any issue with men who liked other men. My parents weren't a fan of the lifestyle, but in my opinion, it didn't really matter. If they were happy with it, that was cool.

A wave of nausea made my throat feel tight. Why did I keep having this reaction?

"Hey, I gotta go," I blurted, already heading toward Marshall Hall. "I'll text you."

I got to the building in less than a minute and took the stairs two at a time. By the time I reached my floor, I was at a near sprint. There were people lounging in the hallway and a few of them gave me weird looks. I slowed to a brisk walk and put a hand on my stomach.

As I neared my room, I saw Kai leaning against the wall talking to someone. When he saw me, his eyes widened.

"Sen, you good?"

Ignoring him, I rushed into the bathroom. I barely made it to the toilet before I was on my knees. There wasn't much for me to throw up, but my body sure tried.

*****

It turned out that I was sick, not weak, so that was cool. A couple of the other guys in the building were in the same boat. I couldn't say that I was too disappointed when I had to text West and cancel. He'd been super cool about it, of course, and made me promise not to bail on the next one.

I slept until almost noon and I just had to be glad it was Saturday. There wasn't a hint of food in my stomach, which made me feel sicker, but I couldn't imagine eating anything. If I thought about it, I had to run to the bathroom and dry heave until my body decided to have mercy on me.

My phone rang, drawing me out of sleep. I hadn't even realized I'd passed out again. Fumbling around on the nightstand, I finally found it and pressed it to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Sen, what's wrong? You sound horrible."

"I'm fine, Mom. Just sick."

"Don't tell me you were already partying on your first weekend."

"No. Just a bug or food poisoning. I don't know."

"Good. Not good but better than the other."

I might have laughed if I wasn't on the verge of death. "Trust me. Partying sounds like a nightmare."

"Do you have medicine? Pepto Bismol? Water?"

"I'm fine. If I need anything, I can text a friend."

"Tell me about your friends."

It was hard not to groan. I was twenty and in college. The last thing I wanted to do was tell her these kinds of things.

My stomach twisted when I remembered what Kasey had said. If I told my mom about West- everything about him- she'd freak out. Then, she'd involve my dad and they would both voice their concern. I didn't need that. It didn't matter what his sexuality was. Just because he liked men didn't mean it would somehow rub off on me.

I thought back to what I'd learned at Camp Dumont. There was a bunch of religious stuff, which wasn't something I was really into. My parents were Christian, but the kind who went to church on Christmas and only prayed before dinner on holidays.

My counselor at camp emphasized the importance of being around like-minded people. If you want to be successful, spend your time with successful people. If you hung out with drug users, you were more likely to try drugs at some point. I saw the merit in it, although I didn't know the science. How true was that? It seemed stupid that hanging out with someone who was gay would make me gay.

But I used to have those thoughts. That was the problem. We fixed it. Was I strong enough to keep myself from reverting to that place?

"I met a few guys during orientation," I said as I pulled at a string on my comforter. "A football player and a pre-law student."

"Oh, that's amazing, Sen. You could play football with him."

"Maybe."

"Well, I see why you haven't responded to the email I sent you earlier."

"Email? Mom, I hardly ever check my email."

"You should. You're going to miss important messages."

Yeah, like how to grow my penis with one simple trick or an offer to win an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii.

I put the phone on speaker mode and navigated to the app. It was hard not to laugh when I saw the spam emails that nearly drowned out the one from my mom. I opened it and my brow furrowed. The logo was one that I knew well.

"What is this?" I asked.

"Your father keeps in touch with the man who used to run Camp Dumont back when you went. When he heard that you were in school in Seattle, he gave us the information for this counselor. He was part of the camp and after he left, he got his degree in psychology. He even helped out for quite a few years during the summer."

"You want me to see a therapist?"

"No, not really. We just thought that it'd be nice for you to have the option if you ever need to. He's someone who will understand anything you might need to… discuss."

With my thumb and index finger, I rubbed my brows. Sometimes, I wondered if my parents had implanted something in my head that let them hear my thoughts. Maybe they'd intended to spring something like this on me before I even came here.

"I'll… think about it."

"We'd really like it if you went, baby."

Grinding my teeth together, I bit back what I wanted to say. Mind your business. I was fine. They didn't need to be on my ass about it. Why did they even care so much about this? I did what they wanted, figured my shit out, and I was fine.

"Sure, Mom. I'll check out the information."

She let out a relieved breath. "We know how things can be at university and with all of the stress, it can't hurt to talk to someone. Especially somewhere like that."

"Like what?"

"A big city like that. You know."

The word liberal was probably on the tip of her tongue. Another thing I just didn't care about. Politics was the last thing I had any interest in.

"Okay. Look, I'm gonna try to get some more sleep."

"Feel better."

I hung up without saying anything else. The death grip I had on my phone might have been worrisome, but it was the heat building under my skin that really solidified how angry I was. I was a freaking adult and if they had concerns, that was fair. They were my parents. I didn't like them trying to push me to do something like this, though.

When I thought about it more, I determined that I really didn't want to talk to this counselor. Unless I felt like my thoughts were slipping back into that place, the one that was impure and would make my life fall apart, I didn't need him.

My stomach felt a little better and I couldn't imagine sleeping anymore, so I texted West. It was four, which gave me plenty of time to get ready. Hopefully, I wouldn't throw up on the ice. I could just imagine it freezing there. They'd have to pull everyone out of the rink to scrape it off. The thought made me shudder.