Chapter 38

Kai

When the door closed behind Sen, I returned my attention to Dad. He was already looking at me, his dark green eyes shimmering a little. I blinked, trying to avoid following suit, but it didn't work.

I moved to sit on the couch beside him and crossed my legs in front of me. He just waited for me to sift through my thoughts. He was always patient like that. Even when he was angry, he made himself take a second to breathe and think about what he wanted to say because words said in anger couldn't be taken back. Whether you meant them or not didn't matter; they still hurt the other person. Somewhere along the way, I made it a habit as well.

"Maybe I can stay longer," I offered.

He immediately shook his head. "I know Mom's gone over this with you a hundred times, Kai."

"But you're here. Right in front of me and you know me."

"And it won't last. We've prepared for this for a long time."

My chin wobbled and a tear slid free from each eye. "I miss you, Dad."

He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me against him. I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. Clinging to his shirt, I sobbed against his chest.

"I miss you," I repeated. "Please just let me stay."

With a sigh, he dropped his chin to my head. "If I could take away your pain, I'd do it in an instant. I'm so sorry that you hurt because of me."

"It's not your fault."

"It doesn't matter. This is too much for anyone. It's one of the cruel twists of nature."

Sniffling, I pulled back. His eyes softened as he reached out to wipe the tears from my cheeks.

"Listen to me," he said. "I don't know how many more coherent moments I have left in this life, Kai. But this one right here is all I need. It's going to exist wherever my soul flies to when I'm gone. That look in your eyes and in Sen's is the only part of your future I was never willing to negotiate on. If I could stay forever, I'd trade anything for it, but I can't. And I'm not sugar coating it because I know I raised you to be strong."

"I don't know if I can be."

"There's no debate. You are strong, but don't forget that it's okay to be tired sometimes. You have Sen and West. Let them be there for you like you've been for them."

"Please…" I whispered.

"No, Kai."

I hung my head, too tired to argue. It wouldn't do any good anyway. This was part of the plan we'd built my whole life. I would go to college, no matter what happened. I could've lied and said I didn't want to go at all, but they would've seen through that.

"I like Sen," he noted. "He has a good head on his shoulders."

"That's such a dad thing to say."

"I am, in fact, a dad."

"When you have a kid, does the dad personality magically zap into your body or is it acquired slowly?"

He chuckled and readjusted the blanket. "It varies. Me? I was born like this, but I'm a special case."

"Yeah, a special nut case," I muttered.

Pulling me in for another hug, he drew in a long breath. I closed my eyes and committed everything to memory.

"It's time for you to get going. I'm going to need a nap anyway."

I gripped him tighter for another moment and he let me. When I pulled back, I forced myself not to ask again.

"I love you, Malachi."

"I love you, Dad. See you in the stands, yeah?"

"Always."

With a nod, I walked away from him. One step, two steps, three steps. I knew that this could be the last moment like this that we had together. If it was, it was a hell of a moment.

Instead of going to my room to find Sen, I went to West's. He was sitting on his bed, clutching his phone tightly. His lips were set in a tight line and when he looked at me, his brows were drawn down in anger. Seeing the look on my face, he stood and pulled me into a hug.

"It's okay," he said.

"I know. It still hurts, though."

"Let it hurt, man. Isn't pain weakness leaving the body or something?"

"That's stupid."

"Whatever. It's like the toxic dude's version of Live, Laugh, Love."

Despite everything, I laughed. "I wish I could just bring a piece of him with me, you know?"

"That's exactly what you are."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know how you haven't figured it out. You're exactly like him. You're good at everything you do and you light up a room just by being in it. The only legacy he ever cared about was you."

Scrubbing my hands down my face, I started to rebuild the strength that would allow me to keep going once I left here.

"Don't get sentimental right now," I chided. "I already cried today and I really don't wanna do it again."

"Well, luckily for you, I will be on a plane while you and Sen drive across the country."

"I'm so mad at you for bringing my car here. We're gonna miss two days of classes because of you."

West shrugged. "Use the sick dad pass."

"You're annoying, but… I guess I love you. Just don't steal my car again. That's not cool."

He waved a dismissive hand, which might have been an agreement, but it probably wasn't. We'd find out eventually, I guess.

*****

"Memory jar time," Sen announced, reaching into the back to rifle through one of the bags. He came back with a glass container, along with some thin wooden coins and a lighter.

One of his gifts to me was this jar. It was like the ones I used for wins and losses, but he wanted to apply the idea to each of our days. If the day had a memory we wanted to keep, we'd add it to the jar with the date on the coin. Otherwise, we burned it. It was cute and since it was something uniquely ours, I loved it.

"How do we feel about the day?" he asked.

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel. We'd parked at a sketchy rest stop to do this before midnight. I would have recommended we do it outside, but that wasn't happening.

"Good," I decided. "Really good, but also sad."

"Do you want to remember it?"

"Definitely."

He nodded and wrote on the coin before he passed it to me. I ran my thumb over it, memorizing the date. After I dropped it in, I stared at that coin, resting amongst the others. Every day had been a good day since he gave this to me on Christmas. I had a feeling the jar would get full pretty quickly.

"About this apartment," Sen mused.

"Are you changing your mind?"

"No, obviously not. I'm obsessed with you."

I smiled and motioned for him to go on.

"Since we'll be living with West and Willow, does that mean we have to be quiet like we were at your parents?"

"Hell no. They can get earplugs."

"That seems kind of rude."

"It's a good thing I don't really care, isn't it, Sen?" I leaned closer, fisting his hair and pulling him close to my face. "If I want to make you scream, you can bet your ass that I'll do it with no remorse."

His tongue darted out to wet his lips. I licked across the same trail.

"Kai, we're gonna be even later if you do this kind of shit. Plus, I have that appointment with the stupid therapist on Wednesday."

"He's not stupid," I laughed. "He specializes in what you're going through."

"I guess. Better make sure we don't miss it, then."

"Don't worry, baby. I'll speed to make up for lost time."

Leaning my seat back, I didn't give him a chance to argue. Once he was in my lap, I was flooded with a sense of security in the future that I hadn't felt in a while. Our future.

Because there's no magic that would make our fairy tale perfect, our happy ending wasn't going to be free of pain- Sen's and mine. But it was still everything I could ask for.

Seneca goddamn Taylor, the guy who kneed me in the dick and gave me a death stare the first few times he saw me, was everything I could ask for.