Chapter 22

Kai

Sen was acting squirrely. More than usual, that is.

Over the past couple of weeks, he would get like this sometimes, especially when one of his parents called. I made it a point not to ask about it. When he was ready to talk, he would. It was really hard, though. I lived my life so transparently that I found this to be a challenge.

Halloween was on Sunday, which was definitely going to bite all of us college students in the ass. If the professors expected everyone to show up for class on Monday and be at our best, they were smoking something that most of us weren't old enough to legally buy.

"What about a werewolf?" I suggested, holding up a cheap, rubber mask.

Sen grimaced. "Imagine how bad it'll smell after a few hours of sweating in there."

"Yeah, you're probably right. Plus, it's too hard to rip off of you when I want to kiss you."

"In shadowy corners," he joked.

"Exactly. You're catching on."

I picked up an off-white mask with glazed white eyes and a creepy smile. It had a strap instead of going over the head, which was more practical than the werewolf one. Then again, it might not be what I wanted to look at all night while I took Sen on our first date. I'd rather look at his face, but compromises and whatnot.

Sen showed me a gold skull that came to just below his nose. It was jagged on the bottom, meant to look like it'd been broken. I pulled him into an empty aisle and strapped it around his head. Leaning forward, I kissed him. It wasn't perfect, but it meant I didn't have to remove it when I felt like doing that, which would be all night.

"Perfect," I murmured. He moved to take it off, but I stopped him and nipped at his lower lip. "I just can't get enough of you."

"You're crazy," he chuckled.

"I need affection. I'm not capable of hiding who I am. I need to touch you and kiss you." Grabbing the front of his shirt, I pulled him closer as I leaned back against a shelf. "Claim you."

From the little I could see of his eyes in the mask, I could tell he'd looked away. I gripped his sides and pressed my forehead against the plastic.

"It's okay if it takes some time. I know you feel like you're doing me some sort of disservice because you can't be out yet, but you're not."

I ran my fingers through his hair as he nodded. "I just think you deserve more."

"Well, that's subjective. I think you're everything."

He removed the mask and took a step back. "Let's finish up here. I want to get my paper for Mr. White's class done before Sunday."

"I thought you did that yesterday."

"No, I started yesterday, but you came over and didn't let me finish."

"I let you finish," I pointed out with a sly smile.

His cheeks pinked, but he didn't say anything else about it as we made our way to the front. There was more distance between us now and while he paid, he made it a point to angle himself further away from me.

It wasn't until we were in the car that he relaxed. I reached over to rest my hand on his thigh. It reminded me of what was under those jeans and I found myself glancing over at him a few times on the way back to campus.

"So, are you gonna go home for the holidays?" I asked.

"I haven't really thought about it. They'll probably want me to. Christmas, at least."

"I'm gonna drive back."

He looked at me with a shocked expression. "You'll have time?"

"If I'm dumb and let West drive, we can get there in a couple of days. Even if we stop to sleep, we can do it in three if we try hard enough. Gives us about two weeks to be home before we have to leave again."

"Damn. It sounds kind of fun, actually."

"It is. By the time you get there, you're tired of being in the car, but it's cool to see everything and stop at some places along the way."

"I've never road tripped. Most of our vacations happened in Colorado, just in a different city. We went skiing a few times, but I don't like the snow very much."

I gasped dramatically. "You're a Scrooge."

He laughed and shook his head. "No, I like the holiday. I'm just more of a mild weather kind of guy."

"Is that why you chose Seattle? A near constant drizzle, but not too cold or hot."

"Maybe," he mused. His fingers curled over mine on his thigh. "My parents wanted me to go to Texas, but…"

"Don't like rednecks?"

"I went a few times and just don't want to go back."

Squeezing his leg, I made a mental note to revisit that topic at some point in the future.

After I pulled into a spot, I checked my phone. There was a text from my mom asking me to call her, which made my stomach clench. I had to remind myself that if it was really serious, she would've already tried to call me. It was probably just a regular update.

That or she'd seen my Instagram post with a picture of me dancing with West. I'd captioned it, "Not my first choice, but once I'm off this field…" She'd already asked if I'd met anyone yet. It wouldn't hurt to tell her, but I wanted to respect Sen's boundaries, even with people he didn't know.

"I'll meet you up there," I said. "Need to make a call real quick."

He started to get out of the car, but I caught his wrist and pulled him toward me. With my thumb on his cheek and my fingers around the back of his neck, I kissed him the way I'd wanted to in the Halloween store. I wanted- no, needed- him to know how much I cared about him. It had been almost two months since we met and we'd first kissed only a few weeks ago, but I was committed to this.

That thought made me pull back suddenly.

"What is it?" he asked breathlessly.

"I'm not seeing anyone else."

He raised a brow. "Okay. I didn't think you were."

"Yeah, but I needed you to know. I want you to be my only one. On the down low until you're ready, of course, but I really like you, Sen. I want to keep doing this and more… and more, and more, and more."

I kept going until he finally smiled. It was so bright and free from the tension he'd been displaying lately.

"I like you too," he said. "And I'm working on figuring it all out." Some of the uncertainty returned to his face. "I want to be able to be with you in public too. You deserve that. If you can be patient…"

"Hey, I can wait for you. As long as I know this is what you want."

"It is."

I didn't attempt to hide the joy I felt. "Cool. Know that this requires you to be at all of my games, away and home. I need your full, unwavering support of my dreams."

"Football isn't your dream."

With a wink, I pinched his chin briefly, then jerked my chin toward the school. I watched him walk away, feeling the lightness ebb a little when he disappeared. Preparing myself mentally, I tapped the call icon.

"Hey, kiddo," Mom answered. She sounded tired.

"Is everything okay?"

"I've told you that you worry too much, Kai. I just miss you and, well, I wanted to give you a little update."

Leaning my forehead against the steering wheel, I forced myself not to think the worst.

"We're going to have a nurse here to help look after Dad."

"What? Did something happen?"

"No, no," she said quickly. "It's just to help me out. When he's not lucid, he's confused and gets frustrated. I can't keep him safe when he's like that. The nurses are trained for it and they can give him something to help calm him down if he needs it."

She drew in a shuddering breath that made my lips tremble. My eyes burned and when I closed them, a tear slid down my cheek.

"It's the right thing," I assured her. "You need the help. I just… Maybe I should come home so you're not doing it alone."

"No. You're not putting your entire life on hold at nineteen to watch your dad go through this."

"It's not to watch, Mom. I want to help you and I don't want something to happen while I'm gone. Even if it's two years from now, I'll only have a handful of moments with him in that time. Mom, I…" Tears streamed faster as an ache formed in my chest. "I want to be with him."

"Listen, Kai. I know that you want to spend as much time as you can with him, but are you going to stay here for five years? Ten years? We don't know how long he has and it'll only get harder. I don't want all of your memories to be of him deteriorating and I know he doesn't either. If he knew that you threw away everything, he'd be sick over it."

"But-"

"No, I'm not finished. Being here won't change anything that's going to happen, but it'll change you. All those wonderful memories will be taken over by this. It wears you down and that's not your job to handle. It's mine. Your father will die someday and so will I. Our job is to prepare you to live without us, not to stop for us. You can love him and still do what's best for you. That's the greatest way to honor him because he raised you to be this beautiful, kind-hearted person. He raised you to be him."

My breath stuttered. It felt like a betrayal to be here, having fun and falling in love, when he was suffering. I knew she was right, though.

"Okay," I agreed when I found my voice. "But I'm gonna fly home for Christmas to have more time with you."

"Are you sure?"

"It's non-negotiable."

"Promise me you'll stay positive and enjoy college while you're there."

With a sigh, I nodded, even though she couldn't see me. "I'll try."

"Good." Her voice pitched noticeably upward. Her change in tone helped to dispel the lingering ache inside of me. "Now, your posts have hidden meanings lately. Are you going to tell me or will I have to call West?"

"West doesn't even know," I laughed. "There's someone, but he's not out, so out of respect, I'm not gonna give you details right now."

"Is he good to you? I know it can be hard in that situation."

"Yeah, he's good. He's special, Mom, and I really hope you get to meet him someday."

She made a soft squealing sound that managed to trigger a smile. "You better be treating him like a king, Malachi Adler."

"Look, I'm trying, okay? He's sort of stubborn."

"Good. A challenge is exactly what you need. At the end of the day, just make sure you love him a little extra. Those kids we see at the parades…"

She trailed off and my thoughts did as well. Pride parades weren't really my thing, but my parents stumbled upon one in the city quite a few years ago and ended up talking to a lot of people. They met far too many who hadn't spoken to their parents in a long time or didn't have good relationships with them. After that, they started going to every event they could and offered support. Sometimes, it was just a good conversation and a hug from a parent who would love them no matter what. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming. The tears that were shed spoke of internal battles they'd been fighting for so long without any hope, just constant bloodshed and turmoil within their souls.

To imagine that was how Sen felt… It made tears prick my eyes again. I wanted to drag him to Maine just so that he could experience a hug from my mom. And my dad, if he was lucid enough for it.

I wondered if it was weird to invite him there for Christmas. He said he'd probably go home, but he didn't appear thrilled about it. I was sure his parents would be upset if he didn't go back for the holiday. I wasn't inclined to feel bad for them in any way considering what I'd seen from Sen.

"Mom, I love you," I said with all the sincerity in the world. Sick dad or not, what I had far outmatched what so many others had. I'd never stop being grateful to them.

Not for one second.