Chapter 12

Sen

Is it wrong to like a man?

The results Google gave me were all over the place. I came upon a religious site offering me advice similar to what I'd heard from my parents and Derek. There were even more articles telling me that it was okay. Apparently, there was a hotline I could call.

Even just looking it up made me feel like I was doing something wrong. I was getting paranoid, looking around as if my dad was going to appear over my shoulder. Maybe he'd be levitating outside my window with a look of scathing disapproval.

With a deep breath, I clicked on one of the links. There was a rainbow banner at the top of the site, which didn't help. It was one of the things they demonized at Camp Dumont.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I quickly exited out and dropped my phone. I shouldn't be trying to justify what was going on in my head. As soon as I started noticing these thoughts, I should've run to Derek. Weekly appointments were probably what I needed. I was sick and sick people got treatment.

Is it a sickness, though?

That was what they said. My dad, my mom, the camp, Derek… Who gave them the authority on these things?

I thought about Travis again. His urges killed him. He kissed me, told the counselors, endured the ridicule and shame at our next lessons, and then he killed himself. That was what we'd face in the real world and we'd never feel right. That was my future if I went down this path.

My head hurt. I grabbed my meds along with some ibuprofen. After washing them down, I shoved my arms through the straps of my backpack and headed out the door.

I stopped when I saw Kai's door open. West walked out and shut it behind him. I let out a breath when nobody else left the room.

"Hey," I greeted, continuing down the hall. He fell into step beside me.

"What's up, Sen?"

"Class in ten minutes. It's starting to feel monotonous."

He chuckled, but it was less exuberant than usual. "That's what a schedule does, I guess."

"You're right. Maybe when I get a job, it'll be better. Nobody has called me back, though, so I must be less impressive than I thought."

"Positive thoughts, buddy. They do wonders."

"Coming from the one with his tail tucked between his legs."

He offered me a small smile. "Even the best of us can't put on a brave face at all times."

"Wanna talk about it?"

After he considered it for a moment, he shook his head. "That's why I was with Kai. He always knows what to say."

"I believe that. He's oddly wise for his age."

"He had a good teacher. Has a good teacher."

I felt the somberness weighing heavily in the air. West and Kai had known each other a long time, so it was fair to assume that he knew Kai's dad. The idea of losing someone, not to death, but rather a slow illness that changed them to such a degree, was horrifying. I think I'd rather be dead, which might have been a terrible thing to wish for, but the alternative made me shudder.

"Hopefully they let you play in the next game," I said to change the subject.

"Yeah, I hope so. I hate sitting on that bench."

"If you were out there, those fuckers wouldn't have scored at all."

His expression lightened at my words. "You're goddamn right. When Porter gets benched, I'll show him what it means to be a winner."

"That's the spirit."

"Hey, Kai said you were a quarterback in high school."

I couldn't help but grimace. "Yeah, I was."

"Do you want to practice with me?"

"When?"

"Now."

"I mean, I have class."

He turned to me with round eyes and pouty lips. I crossed my arms over my chest while I thought about it. This class was pretty easy and I knew we didn't have anything due right now, plus the professor posted everything in the online portal. Not once in my life had I skipped a class. As long as I didn't make it a habit…

"Fine, but you owe me a study session."

With a massive grin, he clasped the back of my neck and pressed his forehead against mine. "You're a fucking rockstar."

We started walking again, this time toward the football field. Guilt gnawed at me the entire time, but I continued to push back against it. I didn't have to feel this way about everything. Like Kai said, it was okay to let go of some things if they weren't helping you improve.

*****

Had my throw become the equivalent of a toddler picking up a football for the first time? No, but it might as well have. Compared to West, I was inept. It had been two years since I'd even held a football, let alone thrown one for over an hour. I acted as his center for a while, working with him on some plays that we could do with just the two of us. Eventually, we just began throwing the ball back and forth. It was surprisingly relaxing when there weren't any expectations.

"It's coming back to you," West called.

I smiled when I made a pretty solid throw. "Muscle memory, I guess."

He jogged over to me, holding the ball under his arm. "Too bad you're not on the team. You're cool to play with."

"I think there are plenty of people on the team."

"Not good ones. They're kind of assholes."

"Really? I figured you'd get along with them easily."

He snorted as he dropped to the ground and laid on his back. I did the same, keeping a couple of feet between us. The sky was overcast, just a sea of gray clouds.

"It's like a club," he said. "You have to earn their respect, but they don't make it easy. Skill in the game is only fifty percent of them liking you. If you're not in their circle, they see you as competition."

"That's just stupid."

"True, but I don't make the rules."

"You're an extremely likable person," I pointed out.

His sigh made me turn my head to look at him. While he stared at the sky, I studied the tight set of his jaw and the way his brows pinched in the middle.

"Not that simple?" I guessed.

"Not really. Porter is out after this year, which lines me up for his spot officially. If the others don't like me the same way, though… I don't know. The whole team gets screwed up."

"I'm sure they're just being extra bitchy because you guys are new."

"They love Kai," he mumbled.

My heart constricted at his words. I hated his despondency. It didn't align with the person I'd started to become familiar with over the past month.

"Give it time," I suggested. "Just be yourself and they'll love you as much as the rest of us."

"Aw. You're so sweet, Sen."

"Shut up."

My cheeks were hot and I was glad that he wasn't looking at me.

That was kind of a gay thing to say.

No. I didn't want to do that right now.

"What if we just made Porter disappear?" West mused.

I burst into laughter. Covering my face with my arms, I let the amusement clear all the other thoughts from my head.

"Busted."

Moving my arms, I looked directly up at Kai. His eyes were closer to sea foam today and his lips were set in a straight line.

"What?"

"Busted," he repeated. "You were noticeably absent from Mr. Hamilton's class. Your girlfriend looked lonely."

I grimaced. "She's not my girlfriend."

"Why not?" West asked. "She seems like she'd give good head."

"That's a ridiculous determinant for a girlfriend."

"It doesn't hurt."

"You're a pig," Kai chortled. He dropped into the space between us, which wasn't much considering his broad shoulders. With the proximity, his arm was pressed against mine. "Besides, nobody gives better head than a man."

West snorted. "How would you know? You've never had a woman suck your dick."

"And you've never had a man, so I guess we'll never know."

"Sen?"

"What?" I asked.

"Which do you think would be better?"

West's question didn't even deserve a response, but I allowed myself to consider it. It was hard to speculate, considering I hadn't enjoyed it much the couple times it happened. First, with my girlfriend from high school. I told her it wasn't my thing and we just had sex from then on, which was fine, but I wasn't sure why people raved about it so much.

"Women are prettier," I decided.

"I think I'm downright gorgeous," Kai countered.

"Yeah."

It was silent for a beat before I realized what I'd said. I sat up straight, ready to bolt, but Kai's arm came out to block me. He used it to push me back down, but I couldn't relax. My heart was going a mile a minute.

"Don't be so skittish," he chided. "We're all friends here. West has kissed me on more than one occasion. Each of them without my consent, I might add."

"That's not… I'm not…"

"Yeah, you're not gay. I already know that, so relax."

I took a deep breath, letting my eyes fall shut. This wasn't home. I was in the presence of friends who I trusted and if they didn't think it was a big deal, maybe it really wasn't.

A slippery slope.

"So, why'd you skip?"

"West wanted to play football," I replied.

"He's a bad influence. If you're gonna do bad things, at least invite me."

"It was spur of the moment," West chimed in.

"Your entire life is spur of the moment, my guy."

"Your dick is spur of the moment."

"I don't know how to take that."

"Like you'd take a-"

"No," Kai interrupted, sounding exasperated.

"Fine."

"Oh, Sen. West said you need a job."

I turned to look at him. He rolled onto his side and propped his face on his hand.

"Part-time," I confirmed.

"The rink always needs a hand. People tend to quit often."

"Isn't that a bad sign?"

"No, it's just more work than some of them think. It's not just handing out skates and yelling at kids."

"Are they flexible?"

"Very. I'll pick you up on Saturday and you can shadow me. Cool?"

"Wait. You work there?"

He nodded. "You think I could afford to rent that place out for my birthday? They knocked, like, seventy-five percent off for me."

I shrugged my mouth, considering. "Do I get free Dippin' Dots?"

"After the manager leaves, absolutely."

"Alright, I'm in."

I didn't think he had the power to just offer me a job like that, but I had a feeling he could convince anyone to do anything. Did the ice rink sound like a fun job? Not really. I hated skating. Yet, here I was, agreeing after hardly thinking it through.

I added a reminder to the calendar on my phone. Looking at it, I grimaced. On Friday, I had another appointment with Derek. If I could, I would cancel it. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to get a say in my life anymore.