36. Monica

36

MONICA

I swung my leg over Raul's Harley and settled myself against him. As I wrapped my arms around his waist, I was keenly aware of one thing. It felt right. Without another word, he started the bike and it roared to life, the rear wheel spitting gravel until it caught traction and we leapt away.

I was happy we were back on the twisty road to Shandaken. The wind blowing through my hair felt precious. As if I was, for the first time, truly free. Free of what, I wasn't sure, really, but being there, in that moment with him, all our problems felt insignificant. And maybe they were.

I had returned to him. I had to. Erica was right, I was being stupid. I wouldn't have gone so far as to call myself a coward, but the sentiment rang too true. It kept echoing in my fuzzy head when I'd left her and wouldn't quit. That, more than anything, had driven me to get back in my car and return. At the very least I couldn't let it end like I had, no conversation, no chance to see if we could work it out. I'd been scared and I still was, but that didn't mean it had to be over. I felt guilty and I couldn't live that way. I had to let him try, try myself.

Guilt had become my constant companion. An ugly, gut-wrenching accessory that had gotten the best of me. I was hoping and praying that, in the next few minutes, it wouldn't be joined by other, dreadful emotions. In my heart, I wanted to believe that Raul would be the man who he had always been with me.

The roar of the bike filled the night air as he skillfully navigated the winding road up the mountain. Below us, I could see the tiny lights of the scenic town in the distance, and it was beautiful. And when we took the side road, I experienced again that special magic of being alone with him in the most secluded parts of his world.

There were no houses around. No human being lived on these steep hillsides. There was just Mother Nature putting some of her finest creations on display to enthrall me. Towering trees. A mix of their scents lacing the air. Night flowers gracing the edges of the hills, their purple and white colors tempting me to jump off the motorcycle to run and smell them.

It made it easy to ignore what lay ahead. The thing that was coming, sooner than later. When I would have to confront Raul because I couldn't live with the way it was between us, and I knew he couldn't either.

He had led his pack to victory and, most importantly, he had survived. I was glad. So, so glad, but I was still scared too. I felt sure the pack would win, but at the same time it could have just as easily gone the other way.

I was delighted, of course, and though I might have been expecting him to win, expectations are often disproved. Circumstances change and Helena's stories about the foul ways of vampires had been dwelling on my mind ever since she had shared them with me.

She had made it very clear how easy it could be for them to ensnare Raul and send him to his death. I didn't have a clue how, but he had avoided their nasty tricks. I wasn't going to ask for any details, seeing him alive and well was enough for me. For now. But going forward… how did I reconcile living like this? Knowing that at any time he could be killed by something that, in my normal world, shouldn't even exist?

Raul hit the brakes, a few yards before the end of the asphalt. He put down the bike's stand, and I swung off the back of the Harley and walked over to admire the beauty of his hometown after dark. Only this time, my enjoyment of the amazing views and the clearness of the night was dampened by the unspoken words between us.

A cool night breeze blew, and I wrapped my arms around myself to try and keep warm. The gravel crunched as Raul walked up behind me. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and share his supernatural warmth with me, but he stopped a couple of paces back. Why would he do that?

Because I wrote him a Dear John letter, like a total asshole.

"What are we doing up here, doc?" he asked softly. "Because as I remember it, you ended things between us. With a letter. "

I breathed out and took a deep, cleansing breath, before turning my head right to face him. I nodded my agreement.

"I guess I had that one coming," I said, forcing myself to meet his eyes.

His frown deepened and the hurt was written all over his face. He shrugged and looked off into the distance while shaking his head.

"Maybe," he grumbled.

"Let me start by saying that I'm glad you and your people won. It must have been quite an ordeal for all of you."

"It was," he said, still not meeting my eyes. "Thanks. What else?"

"I'm sorry," I whispered, emotion storming into my voice. "I'm so sorry. You have every right to be mad at me because I didn't believe. You believed and I didn't."

His eyes locked onto mine and now instead of only wounded pride and hurt I see something more in them. Confusion.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"In us , Raul," I said in an emphatic tone, tears pooling in my eyes. "You believed in us. I didn't believe some of the truths about your kind. Tell me, please…" I paused, struggling to hold back my tears. "Can you actually die of a broken heart?"

"Yeah," He said immediately, his response accompanied by a nod of sadness. "We can live up to one hundred-and-twenty years, but few of us reach that age because of that weakness. I told you, it's our curse. Why do you still doubt it?"

"I did doubt it," I confessed, a sob escaping. "I'm not proud of it, but I did. I don't doubt it anymore. I was an ass, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?"

He stood there, so close yet so far. It felt like there was an ever-widening gulf between us. I wanted to leap across it with my only hope being that he would catch me before I fell, but I didn't. I stood staring at him, waiting for him to speak or move.

He shrugged, sighed heavily, then shook his head.

"Monica," he said my name in a long exhale and his eyes glistened. "I already have." I almost stumbled forward as relief flooded me in the wake of his forgiveness. "I know my world is a lot, especially for a human. I get it because, hell, I don't understand the world of humans either. It's so much…"

"Dirtier? Uglier?" I ventured two guesses, as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"I was going to say, ‘more complicated,' but I'll take what you said as well," he said. "I wanted to get to know it better with you, but you left, so…" he drew in a sharp breath. "I guess I won't be doing that after all."

"Yes, you will," I assured him, gazing deep up into his eyes. " Of course, you will. I'm not leaving you again." I hesitated, realizing I was assuming and insisting, not asking and that wasn't fair of me either. "That's if… you'll have me back."

"Back?" he barked with anticipation sparkling in his eyes.

I nodded because I wasn't able to utter another word. A big smile spread across his face and in the blink of an eye his strong hands were on my hips, lifting me. When I was level with his eyes, I wrapped my arms around his neck and leaned in.

The passion in his kiss spoke volumes, so much louder than anything he could ever say. It rushed into my heart, ripping doubt and fear out by their roots. He hadn't disappointed me. I might have hurt him deeply, but his feelings for me were still there. Grudges? No. Not for Raul Crawford. They had no place in his kind heart. I eased back, tasting the saltiness of my tears.

"I love you," he confessed with a whisper, the dampness in his eyes filling my gaze. "And I don't care if losing you will kill me someday. It will have been a life worth living."

"You're too sweet for words," I praised, shaking my head lightly. "I love you so much."

"Let's get you someplace warm," he suggested, and putting me back down on the ground.

Warm? It wasn't necessary. My body and my insides were on fire. Not the sort of fire that could reduce someone to ashes, though. This sort of heat offered me a warm feeling, a feeling that surrounded my existence with affection. I could stay out all night, and I would have no problem with that whatsoever. I had my man back. We were out here together. He would protect me and keep me warm for as long as I could ever want.