Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Hayden

"Wow, I have always wanted to go here." Claire murmurs as she is looking around the fancy restaurant, making me relax a little bit now because I was quite content with her being happy, "I mean truthfully, I didn't know what we were going to do but this is better than I imagined. It's like you know me, Hayden."

She gives me such a beautiful smile that makes my heart feel like it's going to beat right out of my chest. It is nothing that I have ever felt before, longing to bring her much closer and not dare let anything else stand in my way.

Placing my hand on the small of her back, seeing how she looks up at me with wide eyes, I guide her as the host leads us to our table. It is actually a little more packed than I thought it would be but I'm not going to complain about it one bit. When I look at her, all I can think about is how I'm trying to make sure that she is going to be fine with whatever comes from this.

I didn't want to do anything too crazy where we would end up being alone.

I didn't trust myself.

I didn't want to have that chance to fall hard for her and end up loving her. It's like nothing I have ever felt before, and I keep thinking about what I might end up doing next to her. When I look at her, it's a beautiful sight that makes my stomach churn because it's almost a way that makes my stomach churn nervously.

I have never felt something like this in my entire life.

It is driving me crazy.

Holding her chair back for her, I wait patiently as she ends up sitting down and I push her in. I'm very aware that I am definitely being a lot more romantic than I should be, but I want to do whatever I can to make sure that she is content. I don't want to do anything to ruin this which could easily turn around and be destroyed with the flip of a hat.

I long to do a lot more, that much I have already figured out and I'm hoping for a lot more. Sitting across from her, I notice how she is looking at me and it is enough to make me feel weird. Clearing my throat, I just offer her a small smile because I'm trying to keep the peace. I don't want anything to get ruined if I'm being honest because it would be the worst thing when it comes to Andrew.

His daughter is his everything, I would be an idiot if I didn't let her down gently.

"I'm sorry." She suddenly apologizes to me, making me look up at her with confusion because I have no idea why she is apologizing, "I kind of just pushed my feelings onto you and I didn't think about how this could affect you. If things go bad between us, it could cause some rifts with my dad, right?"

Something like that.

"I feel the connection." I decide to admit to her, thinking that maybe she will actually listen to me for once, "but unfortunately that's not always good enough. I wish that we could do it in a completely different way, but I know it's not going to be what we need. It's going to be where we end up going with it. Okay."

My stomach is churning with nerves because I hate having to reject.

This is not something that I wanted to do but I didn't have much of a choice. If I gave her the time of day, it could mean that I'm interested and then it really wouldn't matter. I couldn't do that because she would honestly just get her heart broken. I don't care if I'm just supposed to be an asshole or not, I'm not that kind of person. I'm never going to let it happen like that.

If I do that, I just know that it's not going to go the way that I want it to.

I have to approach this delicately.

If I don't, it'll be blown up in my face.

"Have you ever dated before?" She suddenly asks me, making me raise an eyebrow at her with confusion because I have no clue why that even matters, "because to me, it really doesn't seem like you have. You are doing a lot for me, yes, but it's pretty clear that everything that you're saying is because you're afraid. You are afraid of getting attached to me, aren't you?"

I wish that I could say a lot more to her, but I don't know how to break all of this to her. I have been trying to make sure that she will be safe and content, but I also know there is a limit. If I let her win, it's going to be the unfortunate reality that I will end up losing everything. I won't be able to do things this way if she learns my secrets.

"I have dated a little bit but nothing serious." I admit to her finally, wondering why I'm even telling her this, "but truthfully, I wouldn't do it again like that. The whole dating life is a bit of a sham, and I can really say that it's not the best thing to look forward to. You'll just end up getting your heart broken when you keep giving yourself to someone who doesn't deserve it."

"Is that what you think of yourself?" She asks me now, staring at me with such brilliant eyes that I'm almost dumbstruck by her question, "Because I can understand that. It's not so easy opening yourself up in a relationship when you're afraid of losing everything. I know that it is the case for me a lot of the time…"

I really don't know what to say to her about that because she is really managing to drive me crazy with all of her questions. I wish that I could do a lot more but it's like nothing is going the way that I need it to. I don't want to give everything up because I have a bad feeling that it would end up being blown up in my face.

I can't give that to her.

If I do, I have a bad feeling that I will really lose everything.

I have a mission to deal with.

"I just want to get to know you." She murmurs softly, gazing into my eyes with those beautiful orbs that look like they are looking right through me like usual, "I don't know if it'll happen so easily, but I just want to continue to do it like this. I just want to see what kind of person that you really are, Hayden."

I don't know what to say to all of that, feeling like my stomach is going to drop. When I look at her, I know I'm content with being happy with her. I'm not going to dare let anything hurt her because although Andrew is a bad man, I know that she isn't. She doesn't deserve anything that he has done to her, and it is pretty clear that everything that he has done so far is enough to drive me nuts.

I guess I better keep him at a distance before it really ends up getting really shitty.

I don't know what she would say if she learned the truth about me.

About what kind of person I truly am.

"I'm nothing special." I assure her finally, seeing how it looks like she doesn't believe me, "Trust me, it's pretty obvious that I'm never going to be anything to you. You might like me, but I can assure you that it's not going to make you happy. I think the best thing that you should do is find someone else to be curious about… I don't deserve you."

Her eyebrows furrow and it's like she doesn't know what to say to what I'm saying. It's the best thing for me to do when I'm trying to keep the distance between us. It's pretty obvious that everything that has happened so far is enough to draw us even closer.

I can't allow myself to get close to her, it would be the worst thing that I do.

I know I would end up losing a lot more and I can't do that.

I won't allow myself to be ruined by it either.

"Let's have a nice dinner and go from there." I murmur softly, seeing how her expression falls slightly, "Let's go."

I just hope that she can forgive me for being an asshole to her right now. This is all for the best and I'm not going to let anything change. This is for the best.