Chapter Forty-Four

The next day is another familiar annual event: recovering from Lil-Fest. And last night had been a doozy. After I told my sisters that I didn't want to talk about my feelings anymore, that instead I wanted to go downstairs and drink and dance until I couldn't feel my face or my feet, they had wisely agreed to put our conversation on hold.

When, half an hour later, Henry proposed to Lil live on stage, our fate was sealed. We toasted the happy couple until we were all glittering with champagne, and rather than dwelling on the emotional train crash that had taken place earlier, I decided just to be happy for my sister and to spend the rest of the night celebrating her.

Now it is gone midday and my entire body is protesting that decision. I manage to force my eyes open and realize I am lying face down on my bed. Tuna examines me with haughty benevolence from his position curled on top of my laundry.

When I try to roll over, something gets in the way and it takes an embarrassingly long time to realize I have my fairy wings on over my pyjamas.

My bedroom door slams open, making me wince.

‘Fucking hell,' Serena groans from the doorway. ‘I think I might be dying.'

‘Join the club,' I croak. ‘Why do I have these stupid wings on?'

Serena laughs, but then clutches her stomach. ‘You were adamant you wanted to sleep in them,' she says after a moment. ‘I don't know why. I feel like it made sense at the time.'

She crawls into bed beside me. ‘Why do we do this to ourselves every year?' I moan.

‘Because we're idiots.' Serena's voice is muffled from where her face is pressed into the pillow.

‘What did we do last night?' Lil's voice quavers from the doorway. ‘I feel like I've been run over.' She comes to join us, curls up in the foetal position at the end of the bed.

‘What are you doing here?' I ask. ‘Shouldn't you be with your fiancé?'

‘Henry's been up for hours. Apparently he's gone for a hike.' Lil shudders.

‘Can't believe you're going to marry that psychopath,' Serena murmurs.

‘I've got tea and dry toast,' Mum sings as she enters the room carrying a tray. This, too, is tradition, and we all groan and grumble as we gingerly sip tea and attempt to keep the toast down.

‘We can't keep doing this,' I say. ‘We're getting old. Hangovers last, like, a week now.'

‘It was a good night though.' Lil winces. ‘I think.'

‘One for the books,' I agree. ‘Our baby sister is getting married.'

‘Even though I truly believe marriage is an outdated and patriarchal institution, I'm happy for you, Lil,' Serena says thoughtfully. ‘Henry is actually a pretty good guy.'

‘He's offered to make Serena a new fitted wardrobe,' Lil explains to me.

‘Ah. I guess she needs the space, now that her girlfriend is leaving stuff at her flat.' I smirk.

‘If I had the strength to lift this pillow, I'd hit you in the face with it,' Serena snarls. ‘Now please be quiet so I can die in peace.'

We spend the whole day in bed, and after sleeping some more and eating the McDonald's that Henry brings back for us (‘I told them you were a good guy, Henry,' Serena says), we have rallied enough that we are sitting upright on my bed and arguing.

‘I'm just saying that Ryan Gosling was a very basic choice,' Serena says. ‘It's not exactly an original teenage crush, is it? I think it would have been more character-building to pick someone less… obvious.'

‘Says the woman with the Britney Spears posters,' I mutter.

‘Britney is a visionary,' Serena huffs.

‘Ladies, ladies,' Lil interrupts before Serena can launch into her I-heart-Britney routine. ‘Let's not fight. I'd like to remind you that we can all agree on one thing. One film that unites us all. One film which produced a myriad of crushes. The 1999 classic, The Mummy.'

‘Oh, yes,' I agree emphatically.

‘This is true,' Serena allows.

‘Every single person in that film can get it.' Lil swoons back against my pillow.

‘We should watch it right now,' I say. ‘If anything can heal me, it's Brendan Fraser in those old-timey explorer clothes.'

‘Yessssss,' Lil hisses.

I grab my laptop, and when I fire it up, an alert pops up. I've got an email from David.

Dear Clementine,

As you know, I take my responsibilities as an assistant very seriously. It would be extremely unprofessional for me to get involved in Mr Eliott's personal life, and I would never dream of doing so. The files I attach here are innocuous invoices for you to check over. If they are anything else then I can only apologize for what must be an unfortunate clerical error. I hope that you will take the time to consider these invoices carefully. I believe they are something special.

With all best wishes,

David

‘I've just got the weirdest email,' I say, reading it aloud to my sisters. ‘I have no idea what he's talking about. Special invoices?' I click on the attachment, which is a ZIP file. ‘These aren't even documents at all; they're audio files,' I say, looking at the screen.

Lil makes a squeaking sound.

I intercept a sneaky look that passes between my sisters.

‘What was that?' I ask suspiciously. ‘Did you know about this?'

‘Noooo,' Serena says slowly, ‘but if they're what I think they are then you should definitely listen to them.'

Then, understanding finally dawns. ‘Oh.' A chill tingles up and down my spine. ‘It's his album, isn't it?'

‘Actually,' – Serena hesitates – ‘I don't think it is.'

‘Why are you all being so cryptic? What's going on here? Did you know Theo was in town?'

Lil caves first. ‘We knew he had a gig in London tonight. We were going to tell you about it yesterday.'

‘Did you know he was coming here yesterday?' I ask, my eyes wide. ‘Did you know David was going to send me this?'

‘No!' Serena jumps in. ‘Theo definitely shouldn't have come here. He was supposed to be on the bloody One Show, announcing the new album, and he ended up being insanely late, squishing on the end of the sofa next to some bloke from Love Island. The fact that he went AWOL drove everyone at the office out of their minds. I set my phone on mute the second he appeared. I can't deal with any more Theo nonsense. My work is done; I wash my hands of him.'

‘But, about the music…' Lil starts then trails off, looks at Serena and the two seem to have a fraught conversation using only their eyebrows.

‘I was going to give you a copy myself,' Serena finally says, grudgingly. ‘Even though I could have been sacked for doing so,' she adds, shooting Lil a filthy look.

‘You've heard it?' I say.

Serena rolls her eyes. ‘Of course I've heard it, Clemmie. What sort of a question is that? If you know how to produce a record without listening to it then please do fill me in. We've signed some cartoon frog off YouTube and I'd love to get out of that one.'

‘Your job is gross,' Lil mutters. ‘What about artistic integrity?'

‘It's not a crime to make money. What about getting off your high horse and letting people just enjoy stuff,' Serena snaps. ‘It doesn't have to be that deep.'

‘Stop it!' I exclaim. ‘Now is so not the time for this!' My sisters appear chagrined for thirty seconds before sending each other death stares once they think I'm not looking. ‘What about you?' I turn to Lil, bringing us back to the matter at hand. ‘Have you heard this album?'

Lil's eyes slide away from mine. ‘Not all of it.'

‘And it's not the album,' Serena says again.

‘I'm so confused.'

‘Look, Clemmie,' Serena says breezily, ‘instead of asking us about it, why don't we just listen to it? Then we can talk about it… after.'

I instantly feel like I'm going to throw up. Of course I want to listen to it. Of course I do. But I'm also scared – scared because the combination of music and Theo is a DEFCON 1 nuclear threat to my emotional safety. I know David wouldn't have given it to me, and my sisters wouldn't be acting like demented, shifty-eyed weirdos, if it didn't have something to do with me, and how can I ever, ever prepare myself for that?

‘Clemmie.' Lil cups my chin between her two hands. ‘You need to hear it. Trust us. Just press play.'

So I do.

Immediately the room is filled with a song that I recognize – the one Theo played for me, the one I called pretty. But it's so much more than that now. It streams from the speakers, lush and beautiful. It's not just Theo and his guitar anymore, but a whole band – an orchestra maybe, because I can hear strings too, soft and romantic. It's overwhelming, but not as overwhelming as when Theo's voice joins in.

That voice.

That smoky, sultry voice that burns through me like good whiskey, diffusing into softness and heat. And the song he's singing… it's about me.

Met her at a funeral,

Good thing I don't believe in signs,

Cause the moment that I saw her,

I knew that she was mine.

Oh, my Darling,

Oh, my Darling.

He doesn't say my name, doesn't have to. It hangs in the air, there in the lingering rhyme. He doesn't say my name but it feels like he's breathing it across my skin.

‘Oh my God,' I whisper.

‘Holy shit,' Lil rasps.

‘Yup.' Serena sounds resigned.

After the first song, I think I may get a reprieve, but I don't. Song after lovely song, they're all about me. Hundreds of little inside jokes tease through the lyrics, references to sea shells, to label makers, to green dresses, toasted marshmallows, magic islands, and jam jars filled with daisies.

When a track starts that sounds different to the ones that have come before, not sweet or delicate, but with a pulsing growl of bass, a shriek of electric guitar, I feel my toes curl. The music builds. Theo's voice is low and wicked, the whole thing is a meticulous act of seduction.

‘What's this one called?' I ask Serena.

‘?"Serial Killer",' she says, lifting her eyebrows when I choke on a laugh. ‘And I don't think I want to know why.'

‘If it feels like this, it's a wonder the two of you ever got out of bed.' Lil's eyes are round.

‘Yeah, it feels like this,' I say distantly, every nerve ending in my body responding to the thrum of the music.

‘Sex mist,' Lil murmurs, awed.

The song ends, but there's still more to come. ‘Did he just… make a joke about The Wife of Bath?' I ask at one point, dazed. As well as the obscure medieval literature references, there's a song that I'm 99.9% sure is about our favourite couple in Blood/Lust.

I am startled again when, instead of Theo, another voice starts to sing. I turn wide-eyed to Lil, who only nods. It's the song they started writing in Northumberland, and Theo steps aside, leaves Lil space to shine. Her voice is sweet and dreamy, Theo's a soft echo, harmonizing with her, the two of them blending into something magic, his guitar the only other accompaniment.

Weird, wayward, wilful, wild,

Salt in the air, laugh like a child

Stars in our hair, a charm in our smiles

Write our names in silver sand.

Three sisters dancing, hand in hand.

The three of us sit, our arms wrapped around each other, as the music soars through the room. Even Serena and Lil who have obviously heard it before seem stunned into silence. It's such a tender, perfect expression of our relationship. I can hear Lil in the lyrics, feel our stories weaving around us, the history of who we are, who we've been to each other. I feel a wave of love for them that threatens to crush me, and I can't believe that Theo made space for this – a tribute to my sisters, my soulmates – in what is essentially the story of us. The rightness of it knocks me sideways.

After this there's only one song left. I'm honestly not sure my heart can take any more, but as Theo sings about heartbreak and mistakes, the final thread of my composure slips.

They can call me cursed if they want to,

But if I had three wishes,

Each one would be for you.

You.

You.

You.

And as his voice breaks on the last note, so do I. I cry in a way that I've never cried before, heavy, racking sobs that are painful and sweet. I lie with my head in Lil's lap, Serena's hand stroking my back, and I feel stripped clean, completely light.

It's a perfect love letter. And he wrote it just for me.

‘He knows me,' I say dazedly. ‘He knows all of me so well.'

‘Jesus, Clemmie,' Serena says, scrubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. ‘If you don't marry the man, I think I might have to.'

‘Don't worry,' – I give a watery laugh – ‘I'm already there.'

‘Thank fuck for that,' Serena sighs. ‘I'd make a terrible heterosexual.'

‘But I'm so confused,' I say. ‘Why did you say this isn't his album when it obviously is?'

Serena and Lil exchange another look. ‘Stop doing that!' I snap. ‘Stop managing me. Just tell me what's going on.'

‘These are the songs that didn't make it onto the album,' Serena says finally. ‘He recorded a bunch and he decided to hold these back.'

I frown. ‘There are more songs?'

Serena nods. ‘It happens. Sometimes musicians write a lot and not everything makes it onto the record.'

‘Are the other songs… are they about me?'

‘No,' Serena tilts her head. ‘Or, at least, there are a few generic ones about heartbreak. Most of them are actually written by someone else; Theo chose them from our catalogue.'

‘That doesn't make any sense,' I say. ‘Theo writes his own music. It's so important to him.'

‘Hmmm.' Serena just makes a non-committal noise.

‘There's still something you're not telling me,' I insist, and I look at Lil, who holds up her hands in silent surrender. ‘Why would Theo use someone else's songs when he has these? I mean, I know I don't know much about music but… God… these, they're incredible, right?'

‘Yes,' Lil says quickly.

‘Yes,' Serena agrees.

‘So, what…' I trail off. ‘The album, the real album, is it better than this?'

Serena hesitates. ‘It's fine,' she says. ‘It totally does the job. His fans will be happy. The label is happy.'

‘But Theo wanted this to be special!' I exclaim, frustrated. ‘He was so upset about his last album. He knew he had something better in him, something great. He's been working on this for years. And you're telling me he's just not using it because… Oh!' The truth finally breaks through. ‘He's not using them because they're about us. Because they're full of us. Because he knows I want to keep things private.'

My sisters both shift uncomfortably.

‘I don't think it's for us to say what's going on in Theo's head,' Lil manages eventually. ‘You should really talk to him about it.'

And even this makes sense to me now, the way everyone is being so careful not to put pressure on me. Even though it's killing them, they'll all let this beautiful thing disappear rather than put me in a position where I feel exposed.

‘Well, fuck,' I breathe.

‘What will you do now?' Lil asks, digging around for something to blow her nose on.

‘I guess I'll go and get him,' I say. ‘Can I borrow your car?'