Chapter Forty-Three

Serena and Lil decide to follow Sam and make sure he's really gone, but after seeing his face when I delivered my final threat, I honestly don't think I'll be having anything to do with him ever again. Ripp and I are left standing alone.

There's an extremely awkward silence.

‘Well?' I say finally, with a sigh. ‘What do you want, Ripp? In case you haven't noticed, I've got a lot going on right now.'

Ripp clears his throat. ‘I-I'm sorry,' he says.

I wait, but that seems to be it. ‘Right. For what exactly?'

He lifts a hand to the back of his neck. ‘Er, for all the stuff that went on with Sam?' He says it like it's a question. ‘Obviously I'll sack him.'

I blink. ‘Now you'll sack him?'

‘I mean, to be honest, Clemmie, I was thinking about doing it anyway. He's not as good as he used to be.' Ripp twinkles conspiratorially, as if we're on the same side. ‘And now that I hear what went on before… there's nothing else to be done, is there?'

Well, I suppose that at least explains why Sam suddenly wanted to get in touch and ask me out. Dating me had worked great to insinuate himself the first time around. What an unoriginal dickhead.

‘So now that it's convenient for you, you believe me and you're going to get rid of him?' I let out a humourless laugh. ‘Thanks a lot, Ripp. Father of the year yet again.'

Something flashes in his eyes and I don't know if it's anger or hurt, but I don't really care.

After another moment of silence, he speaks again. ‘I think I probably deserved that,' he says quietly. ‘I know I haven't been a good dad to you girls, but I do want to try to do better. Your sisters are giving me a chance. Why can't you?'

‘Because I gave you chances,' I say calmly. ‘Loads of them. And you let me down over and over again. You broke my heart. You made me feel like there was something unloveable about me that I had to fix. You may be my father, Ripp, but I don't owe you anything.' I can almost hear Ingrid cheering me on. Actually, she would never do anything so demonstrative, but maybe she'd at least be nodding her head a tiny bit.

Ripp looks stunned. ‘Look.' His voice is unsteady. ‘I'm so sorry, Clemmie. I never meant to make you feel that way. That's not how I feel at all. I love you. I love all three of you.'

He takes a deep breath, rubs his forehead. ‘When Carl died, it was… like a wake-up call for me. I realized some things about myself, and my life, things I didn't like. I have regrets. Plenty of them. And I want to make amends. You're right that you don't owe me anything, but I don't want to leave things as they are until it's too late. I don't want you to hate me.'

I sigh. ‘I don't hate you, Ripp. Maybe I did once, but I really don't anymore.' And it's true. When I look at Ripp now I see a flawed man who made some shit choices. But that doesn't mean I need to make concessions for him, or let him off the hook for hurting me. ‘I just don't think I'm interested in having you in my life.'

I expect him to protest but he doesn't. He just nods. He looks older suddenly, smaller. ‘Maybe I don't get to be your dad,' he says slowly. ‘But I can still be here for you. If you need anything. If you want to talk. Whatever relationship we can build, I want it. It can be on your terms, Clemmie.'

I hesitate, thrown by this. It's surprisingly sensitive and totally out of character. It gives me a moment's pause. I thought I had Ripp Harris all figured out. Then again, it seems like a lot of things I thought I knew are turning out to be wrong.

‘No pressure,' he says, holding up his hands.

Finally, I nod. ‘Okay. I'm not promising anything, but I'll consider it. Maybe we can… talk.'

He deflates in front of me and instead of treating me to the Ripp Harris sparkle, he looks me steadily in the eye. ‘You've got my number.' Then something lightens in his face. ‘But now I'd better let you go. There's a young man in your bedroom and we rock stars don't like to be kept waiting!' With a wink he turns and saunters off. I sigh. I guess Ripp's journey towards emotional maturity is going to be a slow one. My eyes turn to the house. Watching Ripp go is easy. I don't know if I have it in me to see Theo leave again.

By the time I head up the stairs to talk to Theo, I am reeling from the emotional whiplash of the last hour of my life.

When I reach my bedroom door I hesitate for a moment and then knock.

‘Clemmie?' Theo's voice comes, and I rest my head against the door, take a moment just to enjoy the sound of him saying my name in that rough, velvet voice. ‘I don't think you need to knock when it's your own bedroom.'

I turn the handle and he's standing by my desk, looking at the bookcase. He's holding a Baby-Sitters Club book in his hands like it's some sort of precious relic. It's not lost on me that this is the place where everything started for us. It feels strange seeing him in this room again.

‘Hi,' I say, and I worry that he can hear all the longing in my voice.

‘Hi,' he returns softly, laying the book down. Now I have a chance to really take him in I notice there are circles under his eyes. Some of that sun-kissed gold has gone from his skin. His eyes skate over my face, studying me just as intensely as I'm studying him. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me. Can he tell how hard the past five weeks have been? The way the corners of his mouth pull down makes me think so.

‘Theo, whatever this is…' I start.

There's a persistent, low buzzing noise in the room, and it takes me a while to realize it's his phone, which must be in his pocket. The buzzing stops only to start again immediately.

‘Do you need to get that?' I ask.

Theo looks pained. ‘Yes, I do. I'm supposed to be on my way to this interview. I'm already late. People are getting… annoyed.'

‘Is David on the other end of that phone?' I whisper, horrified, like this conversation may be bugged, which – knowing David – is worryingly plausible.

There's a deep voice ringing up from the bottom of the stairs. ‘Mr Eliott? Mr Eliott, we have to go now.'

‘Who's that?' I ask.

‘My driver, Steve. David told him to carry me out over his shoulder if necessary to get me to the TV studio on time. I was about to barricade myself in the room. I'd try and fight him but he's got a much tougher face than Sam.'

‘What are you doing here, Theo?' I ask.

‘Honestly?' He looks at me and I nod. ‘We were driving down the M40 and before I even knew what was happening I was directing Steve here. I know I said I'd give you space but—'

‘That's not what happened,' I cut him off, and while my voice is steady it is laced with anger. ‘You left.'

He swallows. Nods. ‘I know. In the moment I thought it was the best thing to do.'

I rub my eyes. ‘You didn't give me any time to sort through my feelings. You didn't give me a chance. You said you bulldozed me before, but leaving was another way of doing that.'

‘I know,' Theo says again.

‘Stop agreeing with me!' I snap. ‘It's making fighting with you extremely difficult.'

He huffs a short choke of laughter followed by a sigh. ‘I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I left. I'm sorry I'm not disagreeing with you. I shouldn't have left like that. I've been miserable over it. Lisa yelled at me a lot and she made the very astute point that leaving people in order to protect them is not the healthiest way of dealing with things. I've been doing it to my family for years, too. At the time I honestly thought I was looking after you, but… maybe I was protecting myself. All this shit I bring into a relationship… I think maybe I left before you could realize I wasn't worth the effort. Before you left me.'

I'm somewhere between laughing and crying when I say, ‘It sounds like we've both been talking to our therapists.'

The ghost of a smile. ‘I've been seeing mine a lot, even by LA standards.'

‘Look,' I sigh. ‘Whatever this is, you turning up today… I can't deal with it right now. I feel like my brain and my heart have been shoved in a blender. I've just had confrontations with my ex-boyfriends, and my father. I'm not in a place to talk to you about this…'

The phone buzzes again.

‘Especially not with a ticking clock on the conversation,' I finish pointedly.

‘That's fair.' Theo nods, tucks his hands in his pockets. ‘I shouldn't have ambushed you like this. It was wrong.'

The phone buzzes again. ‘Oh my God, just answer it!' I exclaim.

With a rumble of frustration, Theo does. ‘Yes?' he says, clipped, his eyes still on me. ‘I know.' There's a pause and while I can't hear David's words, I can hear the tone of his voice. It is… not calm.

‘I know, David.' Theo pinches his nose. ‘Yes, I do think this is an excellent example of my priorities. You were the one who said I should…' Whatever the interesting conclusion of that sentence may be I don't find out because it is cut off by the sound of indignant squawking.

‘I agree the timing could be better,' Theo says calmly after a moment, ‘but this is the situation we find ourselves in. Tell them I'm on my way. They'll just have to push my bit back. Oh, er…' – here Theo hesitates, flexes his right hand with a grimace – ‘and can you make sure the doctor is on hand, because I've hurt my thumb. I don't think it's broken.' The squawking has stopped, but the frozen silence on the other end of the line rings out twice as loud. Finally, I hear David say something.

‘Yes, thank you,' Theo replies acidly, ‘I am aware that playing the guitar necessitates the use of my thumb; that's why I'm asking you to call the doctor. Just stop fussing, I'm leaving.' With this, he disconnects the call, scrubs his unbroken hand over his face.

‘I really am sorry about this, Clemmie. I'm going to leave now. But you know where I am. Whenever you're ready to talk… if you want to talk, I'll be there. I'm not going anywhere.' He hesitates here. ‘I mean, I am literally leaving now, but I'm not leaving.' He makes a slightly pained noise. ‘How can I be so bad at this?'

The phone is buzzing again, but Theo ignores it for another long moment, staring deeply into my eyes.

‘Mr Eliott?' The voice outside is closer now, footsteps pounding up the stairs.

Theo lets out a deep sigh of frustration, and then, like he can't help it, he leans forward, touches his forehead to mine, eyes closed just for a second as our breath mingles. It's only the slightest touch, the tiniest point of contact between us, but I feel it down to my toes. My body is having some sort of meltdown and my brain isn't far behind.

Then, he wrenches himself away with a soft curse. ‘We'll talk later, okay?' he says to me. ‘I mean, I hope we'll talk later. If that's what you want.'

‘I'll think about it,' I say. He nods.

And with that, he's gone, jogging down the corridor.

‘All right, I'm coming, I'm coming,' I hear him call.

‘Mr Eliott, you're going to get me sacked,' his driver's voice murmurs. ‘You said you only needed five minutes and that was an hour ago. I'm supposed to hog-tie you and stick you in the boot at this point…'

‘I'm really sorry, Steve, but at least I left you the audiobook to keep you company. I told you you'd like it.'

‘Yeah, that's true. I've just got to the bit where the Duke proposes…'

As the sound of their voices recede, I throw myself onto my bed. ‘What. Was. That?' I ask the empty room.

‘That's just what we want to know,' Lil's voice pipes up, and I turn to find her and Serena standing in the doorway. Lil is holding a disgruntled Tuna the cat in her arms.

‘Seriously, Clemmie,' Serena says. ‘What the fuck is going on?'