Chapter Thirty-Seven

Alice cries when she hugs Theo goodbye and I know just how she feels.

Theo is quiet when we drive away from the hotel. The photographers have finally cleared off, presumably scared away by security or expecting us to be hunkering down in the hotel for another night. Theo and I haven't talked about why we're leaving early, about what will happen when we arrive at Mum's house.

Instead of talking, Theo lets an audiobook play, but the charming romance being read by a dashing actor does nothing to distract me. As the miles increase so does the heavy feeling in the car, but I can't work out what to do to dispel it. I feel exhausted. My thoughts are scattered like shrapnel. I can't hold on to anything long enough to make sense of it, can't really process anything that's happened in the past twelve hours.

I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised, but I'm genuinely not prepared for the photographers waiting for us outside Mum's gates.

‘Oh, shit,' Theo says succinctly, his hands tight on the steering wheel.

Four or five of them surround the car as we wait for the gate to open at the bottom of the drive. There are flashes going off outside the window, and I hold my hand up to my eyes, a sound of distress coming out of my mouth. They're shouting, but I can't make out the words. Panic. Hands tingling, my breath catches, and I'm seventeen again.

‘It's okay,' Theo says tightly. ‘It's okay. It's going to be okay.' He says the words, over and over, like a chant, but I can't answer him, can't seem to speak as the gate finally swings open.

We shoot up the drive, away from them, and I close my eyes, tears leaking out the corners.

The car comes to a stop. Theo turns off the engine. The sudden silence is a blade hanging over us.

Theo's head lolls back against his seat. He closes his eyes for a moment.

‘I have to go,' he says finally. ‘I've arranged for them to move my flight to tonight.'

‘You're going to leave?' I ask, and even though I had been expecting it, it hurts so much I flinch. ‘Now?'

‘If I go then this will stop,' he says softly. He lets the words linger in the air for a moment. A horrible truth.

‘I've got a plan. I'm going to go back to LA and get my picture taken. I think that will get everyone off your back pretty immediately.'

‘Get your picture taken?' I repeat.

Theo's throat bobs. ‘With Cyn. We've done it for each other before, as a favour. We only have to stand side by side and people assume we're back together. The stories write themselves.'

‘Oh.' The word is hollow. ‘That's nice of her.'

‘Clemmie.' He sighs my name. ‘I don't want that part to be some tragic miscommunication, okay? It's a step in a practical plan. I'm telling you now because I want you to know that it will be a lie, an act. Cyn is just my friend. I don't want you to think, even for a second, that I want to be with anyone but you.'

‘Then why are you leaving?' The words wobble as they leave my mouth.

He reaches out, brushes a strand of hair away from my face, the movement tender. ‘Because I've been selfish with you,' he says. ‘I knew you had reservations about this stuff and I wanted you so badly I didn't let it matter, didn't talk about it, didn't do enough to protect you. I told you I understood you needed to take things slow and I just… bulldozed you into a relationship, and that wasn't fair.'

He looks down at his hands, and his voice is rough. ‘Typically, I am a pretty selfish person. But I can't be the reason you're in pain, Clemmie. I can't be the reason you're reliving your worst trauma. Seeing those pictures of you from when you were seventeen just about broke my heart. You were so young, and knowing what you went through, how you were treated… I heard what you said this morning and I saw the look on your face when we just drove through the cameras.' He winces, sucks in a sharp breath. ‘I'll never forget that. And it was because of me. I think if you're being really honest this isn't what you want.'

‘Of course this isn't what I want,' I say, trying desperately not to cry. ‘But that doesn't mean I don't want you.'

The smile Theo gives me is the saddest smile in the history of the world. ‘This is me. That's the problem.'

I'm too churned up to know what to say to that. Everything is happening so fast; hours ago we were happy. I know that I love Theo, but this situation is everything I've been afraid of. The worst of it is that he's not wrong. I knew from the start that I couldn't get involved with him for precisely this reason. How could I possibly live my life like this? But how can I possibly let him go?

‘It's too much,' I say desperately. ‘It's too much to think about. I can't untangle it. It's overwhelming. I need you to give me a minute to catch my breath here.'

‘I know,' he says. ‘It is too much. But I was leaving anyway, so let's just… take some space.'

‘Space from each other?' It hurts to think about it.

‘I think it's the right thing to do,' Theo says. ‘For both of us.'

Then he leans over, presses his lips softly to my cheek. He makes a sound, low in his throat, and it takes everything in me not to grab him and haul him into me, to kiss him until he promises not to go.

Instead, I open the car door and clamber out, grab my suitcase off the back seat. Numbly, I watch as he drives away, watch until the car disappears, back behind the gates where the cameras flash once more. I watch until Theo Eliott is completely gone, and only then, standing alone in the dark, do I let myself cry.

The front door flies open.

They come storming out, a whirl of Armani (Serena) and lilac hair extensions (Lil), and I'm sandwiched between them, wrapped in their arms, back on solid ground.

‘You're here,' I say on an exhale.

‘Of course we're here.' Serena sounds furious.

‘Who do we need to curse first?' Lil asks.