Chapter Twenty-One

Theo decides to go out for a walk the afternoon that I'm scheduled to have my Zoom session with Ingrid, so I set up my laptop at the table in the living room and make myself a glass of iced peppermint tea. The teabags are Theo's fancy Moroccan ones and I've developed a taste for them which I'm sure is going to prove financially disastrous when we go home.

It's another blissfully sunny day and I've got the windows open, trying to encourage a bit of air into the sticky heat of the house. Distantly, I can hear the waves crashing outside and it triggers the urge to run down and splash straight into the water, a sound so tangled up in my memories of this place that it's all I can do not to rush out the door immediately, but instead to sit calmly, grown-up-ly, at the computer.

Despite being here for three weeks, I haven't spoken to Ingrid since arriving at Granny Mac's house. I know I should have done, but I've been putting it off. And I don't want to look too closely at why that is.

When she greets me, as unruffled as ever, sitting behind her immaculate glass desk, I feel a sense of relief at seeing her face.

I tell her how strange it is being in this house without my sisters or Granny Mac.

‘Does it make you sad?' Ingrid asks.

‘Sometimes.' I rub my nose. ‘I didn't realize that after she died, I sort of… actively tried to stop thinking about her. It was too painful. But, now, that makes me sad, because it's like I've forgotten her. Being here after so long…' I glance around the room, the one that is still part of Granny Mac's house, and yet also not, also somewhere different now. ‘It's like all the memories rush up sometimes. So fast I can't keep up, like they all come at once. It's noisy. Not bad, but noisy.'

Ingrid tilts her head. ‘Perhaps you could start writing them down,' she suggests. ‘I know that writing has often helped you to process things in the past. Would that give you a chance to untangle things? To sit with each memory more fully?'

‘Maybe.' I chew my lip. ‘It might. I just don't know if I want to… remember everything.'

Ingrid makes a humming noise in the back of her throat. ‘And why do you think that might be?'

I fidget. ‘Because she died. And I wasn't here. Because I had been here, just before and I wasn't so nice to her. I feel ashamed of that now. I didn't know it would be the last time, but it was.'

‘Often we don't know when the last time will be,' Ingrid says. ‘You were only eighteen, Clemmie, and going through a very difficult time. Do you think your great-grandmother resented your behaviour?'

‘Not resented it, no,' I shake my head slowly. ‘But maybe she was disappointed?'

‘I think you may be projecting your own feelings onto the situation. From what you have told me, the two of you had a very strong relationship. If you were hurting then I'm sure she understood. Do you think you can find some compassion for yourself? For the young woman who wasn't perfect but who was doing her best?'

I feel my eyes fill with tears. ‘God, Ingrid,' I sniffle, reaching for the tissues that I had wisely placed beside my elbow. This was not my first therapy session after all. ‘Why do you do this to me?'

‘Fucking hell!' Theo's voice makes me jump as he crashes through the front door. ‘It's hot as balls out there. I couldn't keep walking without risking desiccation. I brought you back a Magnum though, one of those almond ones you like… Oh, shit, sorry!'

He's in the living room now, and his cheeks are pink from the sun, his thin T-shirt clinging to his chest and stomach. He looks at me over the top of his sunglasses, taking in my tear-stained face, Ingrid on the screen in front of me.

‘I'm interrupting,' he says slowly. ‘I'm so sorry. Are you… okay?'

I give him a watery smile, wave the tissue in my hand a bit awkwardly. ‘I'm fine, just having a session with my therapist.' I'm not at all ashamed of having therapy, but I have to admit that Theo walking into the middle of it is a bit jarring. I have no idea what the protocol is. ‘Er, this is Ingrid. Ingrid, this is Theo.'

Theo lifts his hand to wave, but frowns. ‘Oh, I think the screen has frozen.'

I glance down, and he's right; Ingrid's face has frozen mid-word, her mouth slightly open. ‘Oh typical,' I grumble, annoyed. ‘David had them install that super-swanky router thing with eight thousand green lights on just for you. It looks like it could power a small nuclear facility and it can't handle one little Zoom call.'

‘Let me have a look,' Theo says. ‘It might be your laptop rather than the Wi-Fi.'

‘Let's hope so or we're not going to be able to stream to the TV later.'

His expression is stricken. ‘But… my vampires,' he whispers, anguished.

He leans over the computer, that beautiful face of his filling the screen. Theo Eliott in high definition.

That's when I hear it, the high-pitched squeaking sound. And it only takes me half a second longer to realize the sound is coming from Ingrid, who is not frozen in any technical sense of the word but is having some sort of Theo-Eliott-induced episode and staring out of the computer like a rabbit caught in a pair of extremely handsome headlights.

‘What's that sound?' Theo says in confusion. ‘I swear, I didn't touch anything! I only opened the settings.'

‘Yeah, yeah,' I say, pushing him quickly to the side, trying to get him away from the screen and maintain Ingrid's dignity. ‘It's a thing my laptop does sometimes. It's old. Don't worry about it.'

‘Ingrid,' I say firmly. ‘Can you hear me now?'

I see her blink.

‘Yes, Clemmie, I'm here,' she says haltingly. ‘I think there was a technical issue on my end.'

‘There you go,' I say to Theo. ‘No threat to your TV viewing.'

‘Thank God for that.' Theo lifts his hand to Ingrid, who raises her own (is it shaking?). ‘Nice to meet you, Ingrid. I'll leave you guys to it.'

Theo leaves the room, and Ingrid and I just look at one another for a long moment.

‘I'm sorry, Clementine,' she says. ‘That was very unprofessional of me.'

I smile sympathetically. ‘Don't worry about it. He has that effect on people.'

‘I would imagine so.' Ingrid seems to have regained her composure now and she's watching me closely, keenly. ‘Is that… difficult for you?'

‘Why would it be difficult for me?' I say unconvincingly. ‘It's nothing to do with me.'

It would seem that Ingrid doesn't need to be in the same room with me to use her Jedi silent treatment effectively.

‘Fine,' I exhale slowly, listening to make sure I can hear the sound of Theo's guitar coming from his room. I snatch up the ice cream he has left for me and tear off the wrapper. ‘But I hope you've got time for a double session.'

‘I'll clear my diary,' Ingrid says.

Around an hour after Ingrid and I say goodbye, Theo knocks on the doorframe before coming in the room. ‘Are you all finished?' he asks, clocking that I'm sitting on the sofa with my laptop.

‘Yeah, we finished a while ago,' I say. ‘I was just doing some writing.'

‘On your book?' he asks.

‘No, I still can't face that. This is actually something Ingrid suggested.'

‘Ah. I'm really sorry I interrupted your session like that.'

‘It's fine.' I smile up at him. ‘I should have done it in my room but it's so hot in there.'

Theo drops onto the sofa. ‘Have you been seeing a therapist for long?'

‘I've been seeing Ingrid for about two years now, but I've had therapy for a long time. It's sort of mandatory if you come from my family.'

‘I wish it had been mandatory in mine,' Theo huffs. ‘I had loads of hang-ups about it at first.'

‘You've had therapy too?'

He lifts a brow. ‘I do live in LA, you know. Talk about mandatory.'

I laugh and he does too. ‘It helps a lot, actually,' Theo carries on. ‘I've spent twenty years doing this very weird job that comes with a lot of challenges that aren't exactly typical. My whole adult life I've been famous. Public property. I was only a teenager when I joined the band so it's honestly like, at this point, I don't know anything different. This is my normal, and that actually doesn't make for great mental health. It seems like a good idea to get some help with that.'

‘Wow,' I say. ‘That's… incredible.'

Theo looks surprised. ‘Really?' he asks. ‘It feels like the absolute bare minimum amount of self-awareness to me. Something I'm working on, honestly.'

‘Let's just say that the bare minimum is light years ahead of where Ripp Harris is on the self-awareness scale. And he's been doing that job for over forty years. I'm not sure there's even a person left inside him anymore. I can't tell you how different my life would have been if he'd done what you're doing.'

‘Jesus, that's bleak.' Theo leans back against the sofa, but his head stays turned towards me, his eyes on mine.

‘Yeah. You know, when I was eleven, there was this whole chunk of time… I didn't see him for eight months.'

‘Why not?'

I lean back, mirroring Theo's posture. ‘He'd taken me to see one of his gigs,' I sigh, remembering. ‘Which was just about the highlight of my life up to that point. Then he got drunk, got high, forgot I was there and left me in the green room with a handful of people who were as out of it as he was while he went to some afterparty.'

‘What? Seriously?' Theo looks shocked.

‘Mmm,' I nod. ‘I must have fallen asleep on the sofa in the end. By the time I woke up it was dark and the place was empty. I was scared, I remember that. Eventually Carl found me and drove me home. My mum was absolutely incandescent.'

‘I'm not surprised.' Theo sounds pretty furious himself.

‘She stopped Ripp's visitation rights for a while and I was devastated, hated her for keeping me from him.' I feel a pang of guilt. ‘The next time I saw him was after my twelfth birthday. I was ready for this great reunion and he acted like nothing had happened. Not a thing. I wasn't even sure if he noticed I hadn't been around. It killed me.'

I blow out a slow breath. ‘God, sorry, I'm on that post-therapy, feelings-at-the-surface wave right now.'

‘I know it well.' His voice softens. ‘But that's a lot. You seemed upset when I came in as well. Do you want to talk about it? It's fine if not.'

I close the computer and lay it on the sofa beside me. ‘I was just talking about Granny Mac and being here. All the memories with my sisters and her and how strange it is being back. How I've avoided the place and thinking about her for so long. I feel pretty guilty about that last summer.'

‘From what you've told me about her, I don't think she'd want you to feel guilty.'

The words bring a lump to my throat. ‘That's pretty much what Ingrid said. She suggested I write down some of the things I remember about being here. That's what I was doing when you came in. It's nice actually; there are good stories. Most of the time when I was here it was… magic.'

‘I like hearing about you here.' Theo looks around the room.

‘In a way it feels like the last time I was really me. I didn't realize until I came back how much I'd closed myself off to things. How small I made myself.' I glance at him, and he's just watching carefully, giving me space to talk. ‘It's like when I broke up with Len,' I carry on, ‘and he had the movers come and take away all his stuff. It was pretty much everything in the flat, and I hadn't even noticed. I was just living inside someone else's life. I feel like I've been a, I don't know, a shadow for so long.'

‘Huh,' Theo frowns.

‘What?' I ask.

‘It's just,' he hesitates, ‘I'm surprised. The first time I saw you, I thought you were… luminous. Literally, like a light walking into the room. I never would have described you as a shadow. More like a candle in the dark.'

It's an incredibly lovely thing to say, and I have no idea how to respond to it.

‘Sorry,' Theo clears his throat, looking like he didn't mean to say so much. ‘That came out a bit weird. I just… I'm really sorry. It sounds like you've had a tough time.'

‘No, no.' I feel embarrassed, like I've sold him some sob story when actually what's been bothering me is more how flat my life has been. ‘I mean, things haven't been great, but they haven't been so bad either. And I've had Lil and Serena through it all.'

‘Man, you and your sisters…' Theo grins, clasps his hands behind his head, ease returning. ‘That relationship is pretty incredible.'

‘Yeah, it is,' I agree, happy to change the subject. ‘Most people don't get it, but it's like we're not just sisters. We're triplets. Not technically, but we never knew a life before there were three of us. And growing up the way we did, with the attention and the Ripp of it all – of course they have their own collections of Sad-Dad stories – they're the only other people in the world who will ever fully get it.'

‘You're lucky,' Theo says, and there's something like envy in his voice.

‘I am. With my job I've had to move around loads to different universities. I haven't got a big circle of friends and the ones I have, they're very spread out, but I never really needed a lot of friends – because I have Serena and Lil. For better or worse, they're the voices in my head.'

‘Who's the oldest?' Theo asks.

‘Serena,' I say. ‘She's two months older than me, then Lil is almost two months younger than me.'

‘Mmm,' Theo tips his head thoughtfully. ‘I think I would have guessed that. You have real middle-child energy.'

‘What's that supposed to mean?'

‘Like you're the peace-keeper, trying to keep everyone happy,' he says, smug about having it all figured out.

‘I'm working on the people-pleasing,' I huff. ‘What do you think all the therapy is about? Anyway, you've got a sister, right? Any other siblings?'

‘Nope, just Lisa.'

‘And I bet you're the youngest.'

‘Why would you think that?' he frowns.

‘Because you have real baby-of-the-family energy,' I grin.

He throws a cushion at my face. ‘I think you just called me spoilt,' he grumbles.

‘Hey, if the handmade, Italian loafer fits.'

‘You're the worst,' he says, but he can't hide the smile on his face.

‘You love it,' I shoot back at him, the same way I would at Serena or Lil. I get to my feet, ready to make us both some dinner.

‘Yeah,' I hear him sigh as I walk away. ‘Yeah, I do.'