60. Poppy Wells

60

Poppy Wells

W aking up wrapped up tightly in Jasper’s soft, cotton bedsheets was a feeling I feared myself becoming attached to. Every moment of last night came back to me in waves, and I was even more certain now that I would never let myself go back to that house again.

I knew…I knew that my father had broken my mother in ways I could never begin to imagine, but even that knowledge did not stop me from wishing that there was some small part of her that was untouched by his darkness—a part of her that still fought to be free, just as I had been doing every day of my life since he left us. But now I knew that there was no coming back for her. She was gone.

My mother was gone.

Tugging the sleeves of Jasper’s hoodie down my arms, I tiptoed out from under the covers and towards the sound of laughter echoing from the kitchen. Every muscle in my body screamed at me as I walked. I was pretty sure at least two of my ribs were broken, and I had at least a minor concussion…but I just couldn’t step foot inside another hospital. Not again. Never again . Just the thought of it made bile rise in my throat.

Jasper mentioned briefly that his mother was a nurse and that she’d…help me. As best she could. Every part of me shook with the fear that, from one look, she’d be able to tell exactly what had gone down inside that house last night. The horrors my body had been put through. And there wasn’t any part of me that was ready to open that conversation. I feared it would be something I’d end up taking to my grave.

“Did you stick to the meal plan, Poppy?” Her callous and merciless tone ricocheted off me like it did every time we talked. “I’ll be able to tell if not.”

“Yes, mom. I did. I did, I-I s-swear…”

She huffed. “If you stay in shape, he’ll come back to us, I just know it. You just have to win those silly competitions of yours and he’ll come back. I know he will. So, you better not fuck this up, Poppy, ya hear me girl?”

My lips quivered as I fought against the urge to squeeze my eyes shut and pretend that it was all a dream. “I-I won’t. I p-promise.”

Stay skinny and he’ll come back for us.

He won’t love us if you’re fat.

You have to win, Poppy.

Gold or nothing.

Stay in shape, Poppy.

Win the medals, Poppy.

Keep your grades up, Poppy.

Clean the house, Poppy.

Wash the dishes, Poppy.

Sweep the floors, Poppy.

Or you’ll fail us.

You ARE a failure.

Useless child.

Useless. Useless. Useless.

You never do anything right.

You can’t even look at the fucking water without having a panic attack!

Can’t even defend yourself at school—

You’re a weakling and a wimp and a coward and a sad, fragile little thing that just keeps on breaking and breaking and breaking .

Everyone walks right on over you, Poppy.

All you had to do was say no.

But that didn’t matter, though, did it?

What was the point if no one even listened.

“You’re lying to me.” Slap. “I can see it in your eyes.” Slap. “You’ve become so disobedient, Poppy.” Slap. “Do you think I like doing this, Poppy? Do you think I like punishing you?” Again, again, again, again. “This is all your fault, Poppy. This is all because of you. You did this.” I’d lost count. Every hit felt the same. “Good girls don’t lie, ya hear me?”

My body fell to the floor. Knees buckled.

“G-good g-girls don’t l-lie,” I repeated, wincing.

She grabbed me by my hair, dragging my limbs upwards.

Fight back, Poppy.

Fight back!

Do something.

Anything!

Tears pricked in the corners of my eyes as my cheeks flamed, scorching from the phantom touch of her palm. Weak. Weak. Weak.

Dammit, Poppy.

“Get on.”

So I did. I stepped on that scale, and I closed my eyes, and I prayed—I prayed with every fucking bone in my fragile body that number hadn’t changed. Because if it had, she’d punish me, and then she’d get high, and I’d have to stay up all night making sure she didn’t hurt herself. It was routine. After dad left and Oliver died, she focused on me. She hated herself so she punished me too because slowly killing herself just wasn’t enough for her.

She just had to drag me down with her.

I was weighed every night without fail right up until we moved.

I starved myself every day because I was so afraid of what she would do to me if that number rose by even a fraction of a pound.

She…she’d convinced my little, naive mind that dad would never come back if I was even half a pound heavier than the week before. That if I didn’t stick to my meal plan, if I didn’t win gold, if I didn’t cook and clean and mop and sweep and keep up my grades and keep the secrets about the bruises on my body…he’d never come back to us.

The pressure should’ve killed me long ago. I…I was just a kid. I still was just a kid .

Miya and her minions…they ripped me to pieces at school, mom almost killed me each night at home, and the waves, my safe space…it was gone. I was trapped.

I had nowhere to go.

Not anymore.

Squeezing my hands into fists, I closed my eyes and I breathed.

You’ve fucking got this, Poppy Wells!

But there wasn’t any part of me that believed it.

Pushing open the kitchen door, nothing could’ve prepared me for the scene unfolding before my eyes. Jasper and his mom were smiling widely with patches of flour sprinkled across their cheeks and clothes. Where Jasper stood leaning against the small kitchen cabinets, arms crossed over his bare chest with only a pair of low-hanging, gray sweatpants on, his mother was singing into a wooden spoon that was starting to drip with what appeared to be some sort of cream-colored batter.

The corners of Jasper’s lips tipped upwards as he watched her sing out the lyrics to Love Grows by Edison Lighthouse. Light golden hair floated in the air as she spun around, delicate hands reaching out towards her son in an attempt to encourage him to join her.

“ Mamma ,” Jasper groaned, still grinning. “ Non canto .”

She just smiled at him. In her eyes…she loved her son. She loved him with all her heart.

“ Allora balla con me ,” she beamed, holding her hand out for him to take.

Begrudgingly, Jasper stood up, trying to hide his smile by shaking his head as she turned the volume of the record player up.

“ Le cose che faccio per te, mamma .”

She squeezed his cheeks like he was a little boy. “ Ti voglio bene anch’io .”

Jasper just smiled, pressing a kiss to the side of her cheek. “Always.”

She was glowing as she ruffled his hair, conversing with him in Italian that I couldn’t pick up. Despite the dark circles underneath her eyes and the lingering sadness contained within them, she did her best to hide them from her son. To stop him from worrying .

I realized then that I was just as much happy for Jasper as much as I wanted to be Jasper. He had that. He had her. Jasper had the one thing I would never, ever , have.

A bitter taste arose in my throat as I hurriedly swallowed it back down. I didn’t want to be jealous of him, I wanted to feel happy for him. And I did . I really did, but for some reason, my mind couldn’t let go of the fact that this would never be mine. I would never get to dance around the kitchen as the sun rose, baking with my mother who sung sweet melodies and laughed wholeheartedly with me like I was the funniest little girl in the world.

That I was the only person in her world.

Just how much of my childhood did I spend as a forgotten thought?

How many times did my mom choose getting high over picking her own daughter up from school?

Those pills—those tiny, little white pills, would always mean more to her than I ever would because they were the one thing I wasn’t. When she looked at them, she saw an escape, a pathway of life where no pain existed. Whereas when she looked at me, pain was all she could see. In me, she saw the fragments of him.

And those damned green eyes.

My green eyes.

She loved him for the same reason she resented me.

You’d think she would’ve loved me just for the amount of my father she saw in me…but she didn’t. She was blinded by love for him. He could do no wrong in her eyes.

But I could. Oh fuck, I could.

His mistakes. My punishment.

God , I was so exhausted from taking the heat for his shit when he wasn’t even under the same roof as us anymore.

A small whimper left my lips as I shifted my weight onto my other leg, and as soon as it did, Jasper’s eyes slid to mine. Worry shone in those golden eyes as clear as daylight. I offered whatever I could pull together to resemble a smile.

I was okay . I was always okay.

His whole demeanor relaxed at my sad little attempt at a smile.

Then, he did something incredible—he smiled . Not even that, that boy was beaming at me, eyes glowing and dilated, cheeks tinted a soft rose. Each and all of it, just for me.

Safe had become Jasper Ridge.

He’d become it all.

“Hi, Jasper,” I whispered, feeling completely bare under the weight of his gaze burning into mine.

“Hi, Poppy.”

Jasper Ridge wasn’t just looking at me, no . He was worshiping me.

“Mamma, this is Poppy. Wellsy, this is my mom, Vienna,” he hummed, a soft sort of proudness glinting in his gaze. Vienna spun around to face me. Her eyes instantly locked onto mine and glowed, just as Jasper’s had moments ago. Mother like son .

“Gosh, it’s so good to finally meet you, my darling!” she praised, clapping her hands together gently after setting the wooden spoon down on the side. There was something so pure, so comforting about her essence that had me fighting away tears from forming in the corners of my eyes.

More than that, she looked at me like she cared about me. That from that very first glance, she decided that I was also hers to protect and cherish in the same way she would her own child.

As she walked over towards me, the scent of lavender and vanilla mixed creating a heavenly atmosphere. The delicate touch of her fingers brushing against my shoulder and gently squeezing it in an encouraging tone was the last straw. Before I knew it, a dampness coated my cheeks. Mirroring rivers of salty tears fell across my skin as I licked away the evidence of them as they settled on my lips.

“Oh, my little girl,” Vienna half-whispered, before pulling me into a full blown hug. Her arms settled tightly around my back, as one of her hands gently brushed the back of my head in a comforting manner. Each stroke of her fingers against my hair just caused more tears to fall from my eyes, serving as a reminder that this would never, ever , be mine. I wasn’t worthy of it. I wasn’t .

“It’s going to be okay, Poppy. Just you wait and see. All the monsters are gone, my sweet, little girl. You’re with us now.” Pulling back ever so slightly, she dabbed the back of the sleeve of her cotton cardigan against my damp cheeks, erasing away every tear whilst unknowingly patching up wounds that were never ripped open because of her. “You don’t ever have to go back there, okay? You will always have a choice in what you want to do, sweetie, and my boy and I will respect whatever it is that you chose to do.”

I sniffled, wiping the back of my hand against my eyes in an attempt to regain any dignity I had left after bawling my eyes out in front of Jasper’s mom. Though, I had very little energy left to even begin to think about caring. I was exhausted and tired and drained.

Completely and utterly drained .

“Would…would it be okay if I stayed here tonight? I mean, I don’t want to impose at all. I can go and find somewhere else to stay if it’s any inconvenience. I can find somewhere, really. It’s no trouble, I—”

“Damn fucking straight you’re staying here,” Jasper growled, reaching where I stood in only three strides before his palms were cupping my cheeks and his darkened eyes fiercely locked onto mine. My bottom lip trembled as I bit down on it. Just before I could scratch my neck, Jasper interlocked both his hands in mine and rested them atop of my heart, just as I had for him that day in the showers.

He knew. A small smile fell onto my lips. Jasper knew that was how I coped with my anxiety and was instead offering me an alternative coping mechanism that was less self-destructive.

“Jasper Easton Ridge, watch your language!”

Vienna’s widened eyes watched the two of us and slowly, the tension and fear melted away inside them. The way she looked at Jasper, so full of motherly love and affection as if he was the center of her universe…it made my heart ache, shattering just that little bit more.

“Gosh, you must be starving, Poppy,” she gasped, gently covering her lips with her hand. “Here, let me get you something to eat. I hope you like strawberry waffles and syrup!”

“I, uh, I love them, actually,” I whispered, a little unsteadily. Jasper seemed to notice that as his lips gently pressed against my forehead.

“Ah, so my son was right.” She smiled at Jasper then, giving him a little encouraging wink.

I paused. “You knew they were my favorite? How?”

“Wellsy, there is no inch of you that I do not know,” he said, those beautiful brown eyes gazing into mine. A blush as pink as roses settled across my cheeks as I dipped my head in an attempt to cover it. However, Jasper was having none of it as he slipped his finger beneath my chin, tilting it back up again.

“What did we say about hiding that beautiful smile of yours?”

His words just made me blush even harder.

The fool I was for you, Jasper Ridge.

“Hey, Wellsy?”

“Mm?” I hummed in response.

“Can I ask you something?”

My eyes shot up instantly, panic arising inside of me to the same beat of my pounding heart beneath my ribs.

“If you ever succumb to the foolishness that is love…” He sighed wistfully, squeezing our conjoined hands once, ever so gently. “Please…please let me be the one you so foolishly fall in love with.”

I stood there speechless, gaping at him.

“But I have so much baggage!” I rushed to say.

There was no way he was thinking straight, not after what he’d just witnessed—that broken glimpse into the reality of my life. Every part of it was just as fucked up as the last.

“I’m a strong man, Wellsy, I can carry it,” Jasper chuckled, completely unfazed by my frantic response.

“I’m not good at relationships, or-or feelings, or what if I screw everything up between us? Jasper, I can’t, we can’t—this is the only, and I mean only good thing in my life right now, and I can’t—”

“You don’t have to be,” he reassured me, pressing a feather-light kiss to the side of my neck, and then another, and another, until he whispered against my skin, “I can love us enough for the both of us until you’re ready.”

Right there and then, I was undone.

“What if I’m never ready?” I whispered quietly. It had slowly grown to be one of my biggest fears—if my parent’s love was anything to go by, I didn’t want any part of it. Not if it meant ending up like them. I would rather end my life all together.

“I’ll still love you, Poppy Wells. Even if you aren’t mine to love. For infinity, remember?”

Somehow, Jasper Ridge had managed to soothe every inch of crawling anxiety inside me with just one sentence.

“For infinity,” I breathed, letting myself fall into him. As his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling my body flush up against his, I let my arms rest around his neck, gently scratching and letting my fingers fiddle with little loose strands of his hair. He was my safe space, my everything, and I never wanted to be anywhere else than wrapped up inside his arms because in there, I was safe from the world.

There, inside his house and under his roof, I knew I was finally loved .

After a moment, Jasper whispered ever so quietly I thought I’d imagined it, “You were never my infinity war, Wellsy. You were always going to be my endgame.” Pulling back slightly, his eyes searched mine as he said, “I think I need you for reals, Poppy Wells.”

I giggled, unable to stop myself. There was a strange sort of happiness coursing through my veins and like an addict, I never wanted to let that high go. “I think I’ve always needed you for reals, Jasper Ridge.”

“Yeah?” He grinned so widely it made my own cheeks hurt just looking at him.

“Yeah,” I hummed, biting down on my lower lip. I couldn’t help but smile, brushing my thumb innocently against his cheek.

“I really want to kiss you right now, Wellsy,” Jasper rasped.

“Oh yeah?” The corners of my lips tilted up even higher. I could’ve gotten drunk on the sound of his raspy voice. “What’s stopping you, Spiderman?”

A low growl tore from his throat as he muttered, “ fuck it ,” under his breath before closing the distance between us. The next second, his lips were on mine and his fingers were gripping the back of my neck, gently drawing soft patterns against my skin.

I knew I was his before but this solidified everything —every hint of doubt, every self-sabotaging thought gone . Right there, right then, it was just us. And for once in my life, I was just a stupid girl in stupid love with a stupid boy who stupidly loved her back. I was a drunken fool for the sweet taste of his lips, and a fallen addict to the sound of his laughter.

“You,” Jasper breathed against my lips, “are one fucking hell of a woman, Wellsy.”

I giggled, eyes fluttering open. With one hand, I trailed the side of his jaw with my fingertips as Jasper leaned into my touch. “And I’m all yours. ”

He groaned, shaking his head gently. “You can’t be saying stuff like that when my mom is right over there. I’m a strong, gentleman, Poppy, but I’m not that strong.”

Laughter trickled out of my lungs, unable to suppress it any longer.

That stupid boy. My stupid boy .

“Oh yeah, I am clearly the strongest of the two of us,” I jested but Jasper’s eyes locked onto mine almost instantly after the words had left my lips.

“No fucking doubt about that, Wellsy. You little survivor.”

Just as I was about to reply, Jasper’s mom placed two plates of freshly baked waffles coated in maple syrup and strawberries. “Jasper Easton Ridge, if I have to remind you about your language one more time—”

“Sorry, mamma,” Jasper smiled sincerely at her before intertwining our fingers and dragging me down into the seat next to him. “ Ti amo .”

“Thank you for the food and for having me, Mrs Ridge.”

Smiling softly down at me, Vienna gently stroked my hair as she said, “of course, sweetie. Anytime. If you ever need anything at all, you can always come to us. You’ll always have a safe space here, don’t ever forget that. And please, call me Vie or Vienna, none of that formal nonsense. God knows those boys of yours, Jasper, what is it they call me again?”

Jasper grumbled, “Mamma Vie.”

Vienna smiled, exhaling softly, and I could see why they called her that—if there was an award for best mom of the year, I had no doubt it would go to her.

“That reminds me, don’t forget to tell Jakson to come by after practice later, I have his surf jersey and the rest of his kit all freshly washed for him.”

“Do I even want to know why you always do this for him, mamma?”

Sadness twinkled in her gaze. “Oh, you know Jakson, honey, he’s always round here doing whatever it is that boy likes to do. I don’t blame him though, it must get lonely in that house of his. And you know me, I can’t not make sure that boys alright. There isn’t anyone else in his life who can. Speaking of Poppy, would you like to help me bake this afternoon? I promised Lia I would bring her some Salame De Chocolate and who better to help me make it than you!”

“Because I’m Portuguese?” I questioned.

I didn’t even know if I could claim that. I’d never traveled there, hardly even knew the language, and whatever relatives of mine did live there, I’d never actually met before.

My mom forbade it.

Genetically, I knew that was a huge part of who I was but I had always felt so isolated from that part of my life. Maybe…maybe now I could learn more about that side of me with her.

Vienna laughed softly. “No, silly, because you are so talented, and I’m sure between the two of us, we could definitely rock the hell out of that desert.”

Her smile was infectious, just like her golden aura.

“I don’t—” I swallowed the words, and instead, I found myself saying, “I would love to, thank you for thinking of me.”

My mom—she never volunteered to do anything remotely like that with me. It was always just crush pills, get high, and cry. Over, and over, and over again. I’d taken care of her more times than she’d ever done the same for me. I couldn’t even remember when the last time that was.

“Are you not working this morning?” Jasper asked, glancing worriedly at his mother, who just simply smiled at her son.

“I’m working the night shift at Buckley’s bar tonight, honey, but I have the entire morning free to spend with your lovely girlfriend here,” she winked at me and my heart skipped a beat.

I think I was born into the wrong family…

“And you’ll be okay here, Poppy? With my mom until I get home from practice? I’d skip it if I could, but with the next competition so close…”

“Of course,” I reassured him, “I’ll be fine here.”

“I don’t know…”

“ Jasper ,” I glared.

“Poppy,” he smiled.

“Go to practice. They need you there, we both know that.”

He didn’t look convinced. “But you—”

“I’ll be okay,” I reassured him. “I promise.”

The tension in his drawn brows instantly dissipated at my words, and even I found myself believing in them.

Yeah . I would be okay.