27. Poppy Wells

27

Poppy Wells

I was sitting alone on the beach watching my fake boyfriend and his best friends compete in a sport I was slowly losing after I had purposefully ignored them all for the past few days. Great .

At least it was better than being at home.

I’d do anything to not be there right now.

Even pretend to be Jasper’s fake girlfriend , apparently.

Did that make me selfish or… yeah , definitely selfish.

I wasn’t only there just because I had nowhere else to go… I just —I didn’t know.

I didn’t know anything anymore.

Sometimes, I found myself looking around for him, searching for that familiar pull. It was stupid, I knew , but it was also… comforting . He was like a Harry Styles song playing through tangled headphones at maximum volume just past midnight when the only light came from moonlight filtering through the blinds.

What he had—the friendship he had with Lia and Jakson…I wished I had something like that. I fucking wished . I knew it was ugly to be jealous, but I was—I was jealous of Jasper Ridge for having friends who would go to the ends of the earth for him. I was jealous because he had them and I had no one .

For fuck sake, I didn’t even have a mother who loved me.

If even she couldn’t, how could anyone else?

Hell , how could I even love myself?

The only person I could rely on was myself but even I let myself down, so what did that say about me?

“Oh my god, is that Poppy Wells?”

“Shut up, it so is!”

“What is she doing back here?”

“Wait, isn’t that the Orca?”

“Dude, I thought she left for good.”

“I thought she drowned, man. What the fuck is she doing here?”

“I heard she drowned her brother, too. Like how mentally deranged do you have to be to do something as awful as that?”

“ Ha . She’s crazy!”

“ Yeah a crazy psychopath, more like. I bet she slits her wrists too. They all do, man.”

“Maybe she’ll go deeper this time. If she doesn’t, you hold her down and I’ll slice her up good. Then she’ll learn that we don’t fucking want her here. God, she makes me sick.”

Keep it together Poppy.

Don’t let them see you break.

Don’t let them see.

Breathe, you fucking idiot.

brEATHE.

B R E A T H E.

My skin burned.

I wanted to scratch it off me.

I wanted to shout at them all.

I wanted to run home and cry until my throat scorched.

Knuckles pressed into my palm, fingers picking at my skin. I massaged them, rubbing over my knuckles, tracing the thin bone of my wrist. I scratched my elbow, then my neck. And I breathed as I looked around.

All their faces blurred.

Everything blurred.

I should’ve eaten.

I shouldn’t have come here.

One hundred and eighty-seven.

TOO HIGH.

FUCKING brEATHE.

COME ON POPPY.

brEATHE.

I couldn’t gulp it down fast enough.

My barren lungs protested each breath.

Throat stretched and burned.

Fingers scratched and scratched and scratched till old scars ran as red as little bloodied rivers down my palms.

Heat kissed the back of my neck.

Cheeks flushed.

Mind raced.

A million miles per hour.

Everything flashed by my eyes.

I couldn’t keep up.

I couldn’t breathe .

I was going to die.

Alone.

Afraid.

Wishing,

dreaming,

that I was anyone other than me .

“ I see you ,” a soft voice whispered against my ear. Hands wrapped around my waist from behind, pulling me against a firm chest—a chest that felt like home . “Keep your head up, Wellsy. Don’t hide your beautiful smile from me, okay? I’m here. Focus on my voice, not them.”

Jasper . My body called for him and he came .

I was trapped against his chest but I didn’t feel confined.

I felt safe .

“You found me.”

I could feel his hot breath against the back of my neck, the small curve of his lips as they lightly touched the back of my head; a feather-light kiss. It only lasted a few seconds, but what would it feel like if it lasted a lifetime?

What would it feel like to be his for a lifetime?

He’s just pretending, Poppy.

You’re just an asset to him.

You’re just a pawn.

Play your part.

It’s just a game.

It’s not real.

None of it is.

“This is my surfing competition, Wellsy. I’d have shown up at some point.”

Right .

I fought the embarrassment induced blush itching to coat my cheeks in a bright red target. I was such an idiot .

“Of course,” I breathed.

That’s it.

Put on a smile.

Put on a show.

Pretend it’s okay, Poppy.

Pretend you’re okay.

Pretend.

Pretend.

Pretend.

Another kiss.

A squeeze of his arms around me.

A tentative hug—a gentle reminder.

Jasper Ridge, stop making me feel safe around you.

It’s only going to hurt so much more when you leave.

I didn’t think I could survive losing this—losing him .

“I’m sorry,” he whispered against my skin so quietly I almost missed it.

He was still hugging me.

He hadn’t let go.

“What do you have to feel sorry about?” I whispered back. I tried to turn around to meet his eyes but his grip tightened, holding me in place. He didn’t want me to see him, so I didn’t fight his touch—I let him lean on me and be the safe space he had become for me.

“I didn’t realize you had a mental block. If I did, I wouldn’t have made that bet with you. Fuck , I wouldn’t have put you in any position that you didn’t want to be in. And for yesterday too, I’m sorry I pushed you into meeting my friends. I should’ve given you the choice to meet them in the first place, and for that, I’m sorry. I get why you ran, I do. I just wished you would’ve told me first, Poppy. In future, please tell me because I will always listen. God, if you talked to me about paint drying I’d listen. I don’t care what they say, I’ll always listen to you , okay? Always .”

I couldn’t breathe, yet alone think straight.

He seemed to do that to me.

The only person capable of making me speechless.

The only person capable of making me feel safe .

Maybe, just once, I could let myself be open with him.

No.

The second you open up to him,

he’ll tell them everything.

Then they’ll all know just how much of a fraud you are.

A mistake.

They’ll take her away from you.

Lock her up.

Do you think Oliver will still like you after that?

Knowing you took away his mom.

You took away his life, Poppy.

Don’t take her away too.

Stop being so selfish.

You

selfish

SELFISH

little girl.

“No, don’t say sorry. None of that was your fault. I should’ve told you, I know …but it’s stupid, Jasper. It’s so stupid because surfing is my lifeline and it’s been years since I’ve been able to surf without being attacked by memories. Years . That night you saw me? I thought it was my last. I’m so tired, Jasper. So tired of it all.”

Silence .

Well done, Poppy, you scared him off, just like I said you would.

You just had to open your big, fat mouth, didn’t you?

You couldn’t keep quiet.

Not even once .

You don’t deserve my kindness.

You don’t deserve to eat.

You don’t deserve him.

You should’ve shut up.

Why didn’t you shut up?

“Let me help you.”

“ What ?” I squeaked.

Why aren’t you running far away from me, Jasper Ridge?

Why aren’t you losing me?

“New bet, same reward. If I can get you past your mental block in four weeks in time for the qualifiers for the Elite Academy scholarship final, you have to compete and you owe me that date. What do you say?”

“What do I have to do for you?”

“Start taking down some of those walls you hide behind, because Poppy…”

My brows crossed. “Yeah?”

“I see you . The real you, and you’re beautiful and so fucking talented it makes me jealous every time you surf. That rivalry we had? It meant everything to me—it made me a better surfer, so let me repay you for all those years of shit I gave you. Let me help you. Let me see you.”

I see you.

The real you.

You’re beautiful and so fucking talented.

Let me help you. Let me see you.

His words filled my head and I stilled against him. I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing. I didn’t deserve him at all, yet…I found myself wanting to.

I wanted to be worthy of him. I wanted to show everyone that I could be more.

That I was more.

Don’t believe his lies.

Don’t believe them.

Don’t believe, Poppy Wells.

Don’t .

He wanted to help me …Jasper Ridge wanted to help me and every bone in my body wanted to let him. My heart thundered to the sound of his voice, each prayer that fell from his lips. It wasn’t love. I didn’t think I was capable of such nonsense. And if my home life was any indication of what love had the potential to become, then I wanted no fucking part of it.

I wouldn’t let Jasper fall into my world.

I wouldn’t let him become another statistic on my shelf.

Broken home.

Broken life.

Broken mind.

Just broken .

Look how badly love ended for my family!

I couldn’t do that to him because he was so much more .

So much more than I would ever deserve.

Start taking down some of those walls you hide behind.

Could I do that?

Could I really allow myself to be that vulnerable?

I nodded, barely . It felt like all the right words were out of my reach. His head tucked in by the crook of my shoulder and I knew he understood my answer. I knew he understood me .

Jasper Ridge was my other broken half, and together, we made something imperfectly beautiful.

“I was kinda hoping you’d say yes…” he sighed, running a hand through his hair as he pulled out a small, tattered piece of paper .

Taking in a deep breath, I began to read the letter aloud.

My Wellsy with the big green eyes,

will you agree to be my fake girlfriend?

I stifled back a laugh, holding the piece of paper in my hands so delicately like if I didn’t, it would take flight, and I’d never see it again.

Glancing back up at him, blinking back tears, I choked out, “You did this… why ? We already agreed to this, Jasper.”

He bit down on his lip, shaking his head, a small blush painting his cheeks pink. “I wanted to make it official, and I even included some terms and conditions.”

This contract is legitimate until the day after the final state surfing competition, where if I, Jasper E. Ridge, win, then I get to keep my Wellsy for reals, and if Poppy M. I. Wells wins, then I will publicly declare that Poppy Wells is the best surfer in Hawthorne Hills, and I will complete three tasks that shall remain unnamed until after the winner is decided. This contract cannot be terminated for any reason until the day after the final surfing competition when the scholarships will be awarded.

P.S. I will get you past your mental block in time for the competition, Wellsy.

Prometo. Para o infinito.

My breath hitched in my throat, his words hitting me deep, straight to my bones. “I agreed to one date only, Jasper Easton Ridge.”

My heart couldn’t take any more knowing you’ll never be mine.

“I could never just have one date with you, Wellsy.” He replied in a gruff tone, before adding huskily, “You’re my addiction .”

I laughed, and a single tear slipped from my eye without any warning. I scrambled to brush it away before he noticed but Jasper grasped my hand gently, pulling me softly against his chest, and wiped it away with the pad of his thumb. A shiver racked my spine from his touch alone.

“I bet you’re regretting this now,” I breathed heavily, shaking my head whilst he continued to brush his thumb in gentle strokes across my cheeks.

“I’ve regretted a lot of bets in my life, Wellsy, but you are not one of them.”

I shook my head. “I know you think you can fix me, Jasper, but I—”

“I don’t want to fix you, Poppy,” he replied, not missing a single beat.

My eyes widened in disbelief as I whispered, “You don’t?”

“I don’t,” he confirmed.

“Then what are you doing? Why are you helping me, Jasper? Why are you telling me all of these things like how you’re going to protect me if you know how broken I am…”

“I don’t want to fix you, Poppy Wells, because you were never broken to begin with,” he growled, eyes locking onto mine with an impenetrable force, shining with a clarity I’d never seen before as if he was desperate to make me understand. “You are not broken, Wellsy.”

“You cannot possibly believe that,” I gasped, completely and utterly breathless like a goddamn fool .

“Watch me,” he said as his hands cupped the back of my neck until our faces were mere inches apart. “I am a complete and utter fool when it comes to you, Poppy.”

For a moment, we stood like that, chests heaving as our hearts pounded in a synchronized rhythm. The bustling crowds of surfers lingered in the background, but the only sounds that mattered to me were the waves and him .

I felt like I was falling… literally .

Suddenly, Jasper had pulled me down onto my beach towel, getting sand all over it. As he sat down next to me, spreading his sandy legs all over my clean, sand-free towel, he noticed my scowl and smirked.

He fucking smirked at me. The asshole .

I pushed his legs off. Well, attempted too. He was actually incredibly heavy, and when I raised my brow at him, he just laid back onto his elbows and gave me that cocky, surf captain grin that said ‘ keep trying, Wellsy, it’s amusing watching you struggle.’

“Don’t look at me like that,” I gritted out, dusting the sand off the towel.

“Wellsy, this is a beach, you know.”

“ And? What’s your point?”

He opened his mouth to speak before closing it and chuckling to himself. I wanted to be mad at him, but the goofy grin on his lips and the sound of his laughter had me fighting my own smile.

Stop making me like you, Jasper Ridge.

Stop making it so hard to hate you.

His smile slowly fell, lips spread into a thin line.

“You came,” he almost rasped. “I didn’t know if you would.”

“Of course I came—this is important to you, and besides, don’t girlfriends turn up to their boyfriends’ sport events?”

He seemed to have liked my answer because he was grinning so wide at me right now his jaw had to hurt. Mine did just seeing his.

“What?” I breathed, feeling the warmth spread across both my cheeks.

“You didn’t say fake girlfriend that time.”

I gaped at him. Shit . I didn’t. “Sorry, I meant fake girlfriend but—”

“Don’t apologize,” he said sternly. “I’m beyond flattered that you think of me like that, Wellsy. But I gotta tell ya, it’s never going to happen so keep dreaming.”

I didn’t fight an eye roll, making my gagging sound audible as I swatted him playfully on the arm. He’d taken that opportunity to grasp my wrists and pull me on top of him. A surprised yelp left my lips. His eyes locked onto mine and didn’t once let go of my gaze—they were so rich and dark you could plant a seed and grow roots in them. Small honey-gold flecks were swimming within their depths, and once they caught the sunlight, they lit up like stars .

“You can’t look at me like that here, Poppy,” he rasped, gripping my hips tightly.

“Why not?”

For some reason, I wanted to see how far he would go.

I wanted to see… what exactly, Poppy?

I wanted to see if he thought we could be real.

“Because I’m trying to be gentlemen here, and you looking at me like that is not fucking helping.”

“Then make me,” I whispered, before repeating it more confidently. “Make me stop looking at you like that if it’s too hard for you.”

His eyes darkened with lust and challenge, and it made me feel confident in myself. It made me feel sexy and powerful and nothing at all like who I was.

It reminded me of the confident little girl who used to make other girls cry because she was just that good at surfing—the girl who was so confident in herself and her skills that she never second-guessed a wave, a person, or a decision.

A girl who wasn’t ridden with PTSD and crawling with anxiety.

Nothing like who I was now but…someone I think I could learn to be again.

Just as my lips curved up into a small smirk, someone whistled from behind us.

Oh shit.

I was suddenly aware of how this looked—I was straddling Jasper Fucking Ridge in the middle of a surfing heat on a public beach.

What the fuck.

I immediately went to climb off him when his hands grasped my shoulders, holding me down in place. My eyes darted all over his face, the pounding of my heart thrumming through my ears. I needed to go. This was a mistake. I—

“Don’t listen to them, Wellsy. Just look at me.”

“I can’t .”

I gasped for air.

What would they think of me now?

I was already a selfish murderer, I couldn’t also be a whore in their eyes.

I couldn’t.

I was wrong before, I wasn’t just broken, I was shattered .

All the pieces were jumbled up, stuck back together with one of those faulty glue sticks that didn’t really stick.

I was crumbling , again, and again, and again.

Oliver may have drowned but I was the one left under the waves—I’d been drowning my entire life , but they didn’t notice. They didn’t see because I wasn’t the one six feet deep under the soil rotting away in a casket. I was the one who survived , barely making it through a day without crying or being able to sleep through a full night.

My mom wished it was me instead of Oliver, and you know what, I did too.

I fucking wish it was me too, mom.

I wish I was dead.

I wish.

Sometimes, it made me feel better knowing that he wasn’t here to see just how broken we had all become, too see how mom turned out. I never would’ve wanted him to go through this and I was grateful that he never would.

I squeezed my eyes shut but that only made it worse as pictures of his little smile flooded my mind. He was so young. He would always be so young.

“I know you can,” Jasper’s voice fluttered through my thoughts like a beam of light. After a minute, my eyes flickered open, greeted with that familiar honey-gold pair that felt like home.

“There’s my girl.”

There’s my girl.

“I don’t think I can do this, Jasper.”

“I know you can, and I won’t leave your side until you can see that you can too. You have me now, okay? And if you ever feel scared, or alone, or even wishing you weren’t here anymore—talk to me, because I am here for you, Poppy. You can try and push me away, but I’ll stay right here. With you.”

“You mean it?” My words came out like more of a broken sob than a whisper.

“Every last word,” he promised. “I know how to get the girl, Wellsy, and the only girl I want to get is you .”

“What if you already have me?”

“Then I’d say I was the luckiest guy on the fucking planet.”

I bit down on my bottom lip to stop myself from smiling. His thumb came up and trailed the underside of my jaw before gliding over my lip. I released it from between my teeth, smiling freely down at him. I was met with a smile of his own, rosy and beaming.

Jasper’s face paled then, turning serious as he said, “Lia?”

I followed his gaze over my shoulder to where Lia was standing, arms wrapped around her shaking body that was covered in a big, over-sized gray hoodie. Her reddened eyes were wide and glassy as she rubbed her hand over them, sniffling into the sleeve.

“It’s Jakson,” she sobbed, small hands brushing against her trembling lips.

And just like that,

the

world

went

silent .