Chapter 54

fifty-four

JACOB

For the last few days, I’d thought long and hard about what I’d say to Andrew. I loved him, but any relationship between us wouldn’t last. One day, he’d realize he was better off without me. It was better to cut any emotional ties now before it became even more painful.

I’d driven into town with a heavy heart, and it only got worse when I saw Andrew.

Elijah touched his friend’s arm. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”

Andrew nodded. Dark circles cast shadows under his eyes. I’d never met anyone who worked so hard. Apart from the two concerts he’d performed with Tim, he was working long hours in his studio. Once the exhibition in Boulder was over, I hoped he’d be able to take some time off work, but I doubted that would happen.

I shoved my hands into my pockets, unsure about where to start. “I hope I haven’t come at a bad time.”

Andrew bit his bottom lip. “I’m helping to get everything ready for dinner.”

I took a deep breath. Andrew was upset. I just hoped that one day he’d be able to forgive me. “Could we go for a walk?”

“There’s too much to do. But the dining room will be empty for another ten or fifteen minutes. We could talk in here.”

I looked at the deserted room and wondered why no one was here. Each time I’d come to the center, this area was busy. “Where is everyone?”

“They’re at a first aid class. Jenny and Dylan are looking after the children.”

I nodded and cleared my throat. “I wanted to thank you for making sure I was okay on Friday night.”

“You don’t have to thank me. Pastor Adam was the person who took you home and made sure you were safe.”

“You stayed the night. Even though it might not feel like it, I appreciated everything you did.”

Andrew still didn’t look convinced that he should be thanked. “It’s good that you came to see me. I’m going to Boulder tomorrow morning.”

“For your exhibition?”

Andrew nodded.

“Are you looking forward to it?”

“I am. Paul and my friend Riley will be there, too. If you’d like an invitation, I could ask?—”

I shook my head. “I can’t come, but I hope it goes well.”

Andrew’s face became even paler.

My heart sank. I tried to think of something to say. Something that would sound better than telling him I couldn’t go to his exhibition.

Last week, Andrew had told me the gallery owner was trying to coordinate a European tour of his photographs. But, at that stage, he still hadn’t heard if it was happening. “Have you heard anything about the exhibitions in Europe?”

To my surprise, he nodded. “I spoke to Mr. Costas this morning. So far, five venues want to display my photographs.”

“Congratulations. You must be happy.”

Andrew nodded.

For someone whose work was going to be seen by a new audience, he didn’t seem very happy.

“Did you get any of the phone messages I left you?”

I looked away. “I did. That’s partly why I’m here.” I felt like an idiot for not returning his calls. But I needed time to think about what I was going to do. “I haven’t called because I needed time to think a lot of things through. I can’t do this anymore.”

Andrew’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m assuming you’re talking about us and not volunteering at The Welcome Center.”

I couldn’t bear it if he started crying. I’d never wanted to hurt him or cause him pain. “I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s a good idea to stay together. I need to sort out my life before I can commit to anyone.”

Andrew’s brown eyes were huge in his face. “Are you breaking up with me because of your PTSD? Because if you are, I can help?—”

“No. I have to do this on my own.”

“You’ve been living with PTSD for years. Has dealing with it on your own helped?”

A hollow feeling settled in my stomach. “That’s not the point.”

Andrew started to say something, then stopped. He lifted his chin, holding his mouth firm as tears spilled down his cheeks.

I stepped closer. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and tell him how sorry I was that I couldn’t be the person he needed. But he moved away, distancing himself from everything I wished I could say.

“I need to check on something in the kitchen.” He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. “Good luck with whatever you do next. I hope it works out for you.”

And before I could say anything, he left the room.

I sat in the nearest chair. Instead of being relieved that Andrew knew how I felt, I was devastated. I’d turned my back on the most amazing person I’d ever met, and I didn’t know if my life would ever be the same again.