23. Ava

23

AVA

Drinking fresh-brewed coffee, I sit and stare out the window. Cal physically removed me from the bed this morning. To my utter shock, he placed me in the plush chair that looks out over the woods that surround his property. He handed me the drink and walked out, or so I thought. Hearing a noise, I turn in the chair to look over the top edge. There he is, removing all the blankets and pillows from the bed, effectively taking my security nest away.

So, here I sit, sipping and thinking - repeating this for what seems like hours, but really it's only a few short moments. Melting into the soft velvety seat, last night sweeps through my mind. Cal was patient. He handled me with care; it was almost as if he still wanted me. It's these images and those delicate touches that have me stumped. I can't seem to match Cal's actions to what Kiel said to me. Kiel delighted in delivering those words to me. He loved the devastation those few words accomplished. It was a shot that didn't miss, and Kiel rubbed it in my face a few times.

It makes no sense. Cal is doing the opposite of everything Kiel said he would do. I expected him to assist my brothers in my retrieval and then disappear. That didn't happen. In fact, he stayed with me through each step of my recovery. I still remember my brothers manhandling him out of the room when I first woke up so he would go shower and eat. It was as though he had been holding a vigil over me until I finally opened my eyes.

Taking a fortifying breath, I whisper his name. He just finished folding all the bedding and placing it at the end of the bed. The pillows are thrown haphazardly in the corner of the room. Hearing the muted thumps of his heavy boots on the thick carpet, he comes to stand in front of me, crossing his muscular arms. He takes notice of my gulp at his intimidating stance and squats down. Gazing straight into his deep blue eyes, I try to speak.

"I want t-to …. ummmmm …" My eyes flicker about the room. It's too hard to tell him these words while staring into those eyes, the eyes that see so much of me. "I want-" I shake my head. "No, I need to talk to you." He waits patiently while I gather up my courage.

My fingers start picking at the cloth on the chair, something that seems to soothe my anxiety. "Cal, Kiel said some things to me. He was never kind. There is nothing nice or kind about that man. His words… Well, they pierced my heart…" My hands start trembling. "That doesn't sound right but, it is. I'm making a muck of this. Cal, there were a few specific statements that he made that destroyed a part of me that I desperately needed to war with that devil incarnate." Blowing out a puff of air, I continue.

"I'm doing a wretched job of this. This is difficult for me. Cal… Kiel said that you left me for him. That you took off once you knew that he had me." My body is shaking so hard that my teeth clatter together. "He said that you would NEVER want me or anything to do with me once he was done having his fun with me." I rush the words, afraid that if I slowed they would freeze in my throat. "See, it makes sense. Why would you keep me after all the horrid things that happened?" A hiccup escapes as I do my damnedest to suppress the urge to blubber like a toddler who was told no to another cookie. Bowing my head, staring at my lap, I don't see him move.

Cal reaches out, gathering my hands in his and pulling me forward. "Sweet Ava, that's a fucking lie." Clearing his throat, he runs his hands up my arm to cup my face. He whispers: "I was there behind the mirror." Pausing, he waits to see my reaction. "I never left you. He took you away from me and left me behind." Cal leans forward, touching our foreheads together. At this action, my eyes slip shut. "Is this why you have been jumpy and distant?"

His warm strong lips place a subtle feather light kiss where his forehead had just been resting. "I can see how he managed to make you believe that bullshit, but my sweet, it's not true. Not a single word. Had I known that this was festering inside of you and stopping you from healing, I would have professed my shame sooner. Your brothers found me. They forced me to recover before coming for you. It took too long. I know that delay caused more damage, but I swear to you, I will make it up to you."

His words rain down on me like a tsunami wave hitting, pummeling me with shame and anger. My body quivers with the impact. My eyes squeeze shut. I can't bring myself to look at him. Why, after seeing all that happened, is he still here? Cal reaches for me, gathering me in his arms. He sits back, slumping into the wall. He quietly hushes me while rubbing my back.

"Ava, I wish I could take it all away. I can't even fathom how difficult your time with him was. I am so terribly sorry that I was unable to prevent him from taking you. I know that I failed you as I watched day after day of the horrific trauma you were forced to endure. I hope that you can forgive me. Allow me the pleasure of caring for you now. Being here for you every step of your recovery will ease my guilt for all that has happened."

His words crack something inside of me. "Y-you were there the whole time." My voice quavers with shame. "You saw all that he did. The drugs. What he ff-forced on me?" I stutter out. Sitting in his lap, I wish the ground would split open and swallow me whole. It was one thing to know he had an inkling of what happened, but it's another thing completely that he saw everything that Kiel did to me.

"You're lying." I start shaking my head. "You couldn't have been there. Kiel said he saw you at the warehouse, and that you left me. That you didn't want me, that I was just used goods." I can hear the hysteria that slams into my voice. "No. It's not possible." Glancing up to his face, he's shut off his emotions. Nothing is reflecting on his face. He nods once, confirming Kiel lied. I'm truly not shocked - he had a tendency to weave untruths. Yet, I had hoped to not have my weakest moment viewed by someone I truly care about.

"Cal, I … uhhh … I can't. You saw it all. My most vulnerable moments. I never would want anyone to see me that way. You more than anyone. After seeing what you saw, how or why could you be with me. Have sex with me. Knowing what you know."

I crawl out of his lap. My embarrassment fueling the anger residing just below the surface. The pacing starts. "What the fuck, Cal? Did you plan to ever tell me?" My arms take a life of their own and start to gesture wildly. "The shame I feel for all that was done to me. The drugs forcefully pumped into my system. Worse, how can you even fathom having intimacy with me after watching Kiel force his cock into my body over and over again?" I yell.

Cal doesn't move during my tirade. In fact, it looks like he is fighting a smirk. Why the hell is he smiling? That bastard knew this whole time. Casually pushing up, he leans against the wall with a carefree attitude, all concern vanished.

"Well, Ava, I know that you didn't choose any of it. I know that you never would have chosen it. I prayed that you wouldn't give up and let him win. I was right; you fought." He paused to let the words saturate the air between us. "I also know that I had you first. And that makes you mine." He growls out the last part. My eyes widened in shock at the possessiveness.

"You can't be serious." He is already nodding yes to my statement. "Fucking hell. Cal, how the hell can you be so casual about this? I don't even feel like myself, and yet you don't seem to view me any different."

He shrugs his well-defined shoulders. "Ava, you see the physical scars of torture that weave throughout your body as a fragility. I see a warrior coming out of battle. I see a woman who walked through the seven rings of hell and survived."

He walks closer.

"There are many scars that I will never see. You experience them nightly. PTSD is not a joke, nor is it an easy foe to wrangle into submission. In your eyes, you view this as more damage done. When I gaze upon you, I see a woman who's in a dogfight with her demons daily. Some days you lose and others you win. It is not the battle that matters, sweet Ava. It's who wins the war."

Cal is right in front of me. He places his finger beneath my chin, tipping it back so I can stare into his eyes as they gleam with strength and need.

"And dear sweet Ava, I intend for you to snuff out your internal enemies. I'll be by your side helping you slash your way to the top and cheering you on at every turn. If needed, I will be the one to pick you up, offering you my strength until you no longer need it."

His words send a thrill through me. Cal never gave up. More importantly, he wants me, broken and cracked. He talks and acts as though he could throw me down and have his wicked way with me. I like that. I like that a lot. It's nice to feel wanted, yet respected. He finds my strengths where all I see is weakness.

Breathing him in, I take a tentative step closing the gap between us. Sneaking a glance up at his face, he is still staring down at me with an intensity I can't match … yet. Knowing what I need to do, I make the first move. I lean my forehead against his warm, solid chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart thumping out a loving melody. I keep breathing him in. He smells like home. I feel his arms move hesitantly, afraid to give me a fright. He finally wraps me in his warm embrace. Maybe, just maybe, I can find the light with him by my side.