Chapter 9

I've been thinking about it ad nauseam all week. During surgeries when I needed to be focused on the patient and what I was doing. Every second I've been in the hospital and I saw her. At night alone in my bed. When I was with my mother reading that fucking book to her and listening to her not-so-subtle comments.

It's all I've thought about.

Her. Katy Barrows. Having a baby.

Only not just any baby. My baby.

At first, I tried to play it off that I was happy for her and how cool and brave it is that she's doing that alone. But that didn't work. So then I took the rational approach. I don't know her well, and she's my resident and I'm her boss. There are rules. Not to mention, I don't want love or romance ever again, and I already like Katy more than I should, which would only complicate something that is already so fucking complicated further.

When none of those worked, I pulled out the big guns. I was fired for sexual misconduct—even if it was all a blackmailed lie—and asking your employee to have your baby is one hundred percent risking the same accusation, and I can't lose this job because that will be the end of my career as a doctor.

I rode those rationalizations hard. Played every single one of them on repeat.

But still, it did no good.

So then I tried adding on how Katy is looking for a donor, not a father to her child, and that she would never want to have a kid with me. She's trying to do this on her own, and I don't enter into that. Only, I knew that wasn't true since she was going to be trying for a kid with that fuckwad, nowhere-near-good-enough-for-her Zane.

All week I've been in agony.

Sleepless, restless, exhausting, pining for something I had no right to pine for agony.

I've avoided her, but I couldn't stop watching her like a goddamn creeper either. Katy is beautiful and smart and funny and fun and honest and has the biggest heart. She will be an amazing mother to her child.

And I want to be the father.

I want it so badly it's consuming me.

It's made the perpetual bitter taste that's lived in my mouth for the last few months even harder to swallow.

My problem is, and I said this before, I like Katy. She is all those things I mentioned and more. I'm not oblivious to all the ways my body wants her. But I need to get over it. I may crave her, but my heart is on lockdown, not wanting to be reopened to anyone again. But more than that, I'd have to trust her, and right now, I don't trust anyone except for my mother because she's the only person I've ever loved who didn't intentionally fuck me over.

I shouldn't have Katy here.

I shouldn't be doing this.

But sitting in that restaurant felt like fate. Seeing Katy again after all these years and knowing that she wants the same thing for her life that I do. Hearing her tonight at the table with her friends, it was as if everything fell into place for me. No more denying it or rationalizing it away. I had to take the chance, or I'd always regret it. It's delicate as sin since she works for me, and I have to see her practically every day. If this goes wrong, it'll potentially impact our work relationship, and I can't have that.

I can't lose what I just got back.

Too late now.

I acted because there was no way I could stop myself, and here we are.

I pour Katy a glass of white wine and slide it across the island to her. She's sitting at the breakfast bar on the other side, picking at some kind of creamy chicken with what looks like tomatoes and spinach with her fork as she cautiously eyes me. I pour myself a glass of wine too, and while standing, I open the lid on my pork Milanese and force myself to cut and eat a bite though I'm not the least bit hungry anymore.

I lick my lips, take a hasty gulp of wine, set the glass down, and start with, "First, I need to apologize to you for my behavior this week. When I explain everything to you, you'll understand it better, but please know my being cold or distant and possibly even a bit of a jerk was not because I think your decision to have a baby is a bad one, and it has no bearing on my thoughts or opinions of you as a surgeon."

"Okayyy," she replies softly, stretching out the word. She's visibly on edge because I'm making her so, and I don't know how to stop. I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life, and unlike Katy, when I'm nervous, I become quiet and introspective. "Bennett, just please spit it out already. You're freaking me out."

"I want to have a baby with you."

Her fork clatters to the counter and I fall forward, my elbows meeting the marble and my head hitting my hands.

"Shit. That was not how I was supposed to say it." Fuck. I slap my hands on the counter and meet her startled and incredulous—and quite possibly terrified—blue eyes. "I'm so sorry, Katy. I'm doing this all wrong." I blow out a strained breath. "Please don't run. Just sit here and listen to everything I have to say."

"Um."

I hold up a hand. "I know. Trust me, I know. Just eat and I'll talk because I don't want your blood sugar bottoming out." I rest my forearms on the counter and lean against them, putting me closer to eye level with her. "I've wanted a family for a very long time. I'm an only child with no real family except my sick mother. I'll get into that more in a bit. But I want kids, I want more than just me and my mom, and the woman I was married to, well, I won't get into all the ugliness and betrayal?—"

"I told you mine," she interrupts. "I told you about what Zane did. You told me you'd explain, and I want the full story. You already told me she got you fired, but you never said how or why."

Her eyes are still wide, her food all but forgotten, and I motion to it for her to start eating. The fact that she's still here, asking to hear the full story, is so much more than I could ask for.

"All right," I concede with a sigh. "I'll tell you everything. I met my wife about six months after I moved to Minnesota. We had wanted the same things. Marriage, children, our careers. All was great until she kept pushing back on me when I wanted to start a family. Eventually, I wore her down and we did start trying. And trying and trying. I'll skip ahead several months to the important part. It turns out she had a tubal ligation the year prior to our ‘trying'"—I put air quotes around that—"and never told me about it. She did it in secret it because as it turns out, she had been fucking my best friend for the better part of two years."

Katy gasps, nearly choking on the sip of wine she was taking but manages to swallow it down and not spray it across my kitchen. "Ah, wine burns when it goes up the back of your nose." Her eyes pinch shut, and she shudders before shaking it off and glaring at me in horror. "But for real? She did that?" she croaks. "Your best friend?"

"Yes. We roomed together all four years of college. He was the reason I moved to Minnesota. He was an admitted bachelor and didn't want any children. So he told my now ex-wife that if she wanted to continue fucking him, she couldn't try for children with me because he couldn't be sure whose kid it would be, his or mine."

"Holy shit, Bennett." Her hand covers her mouth. "God, I'm so sorry. That makes what Zane did look saintly by comparison."

I take a bite of my food. "There is no comparing being cheated on. It sucks and it hurts and feels like a knife in the back no matter what."

"So all that time you thought you were trying for a baby…" she trails off.

"I wasn't," I tell her simply, trying to ignore the omnipresent, sharp bite I feel every time I think about it. "She was simply going through the motions with me because she didn't want a divorce—she liked my money. I'll give you more on that in a minute—but she didn't want to let go of her affair either. She let me believe we were trying. She let me believe we were partners who loved each other and communicated. Instead, she went and made a major life decision for both of us without consulting me all because she didn't want to stop fucking him."

"Christ. Okay." She shakes her head bewilderedly. "I can't even with that. But go on."

I finish off my glass of wine and lick my lips. I haven't told anyone this other than Jack, who told Wes. There are rumors that I was forced to resign, but so far, no one seems to know the reason behind that.

I wipe my mouth and slide my hand until I'm gripping the back of my neck. "My dad died about three years ago and left me a substantial inheritance. Lizbeth—that's my ex—her family had a lot of money, so we had a prenup when we got married. A big one that stated she kept her money, and anything I earned or inherited would stay mine in the event of a divorce. But about a year before I found out about the cheating, Liz's family money was wiped out by shady dealings and crappy investments, taking Liz's trust and inheritance along with it. Our divorce was messy, and since we had the prenup, I didn't have to give her a dime. She didn't like this. And later, after the divorce was finalized, she promised she'd ruin my life, and she tried."

"Sounds like a peach of a woman," she deadpans. "I'm assuming this is where the firing you thing comes in?"

I nod, taking a step back and resting my hands behind me, gripping the edge of the marble. Just thinking about this, about all that she did to me has me burning up with a poisonous rage so invasive it robs the air from my lungs. She's out there, living her life, still fucking calling me just to see how much deeper she can twist the knife.

I manage a steadying breath. "She's a hospital administrator, and when I essentially told her to fuck off, she somehow blackmailed two women, one a scrub nurse and one a former resident who left the program, into saying that I sexually harassed them by making inappropriate comments, advances, threats, and physical contact. I never did anything of the sort. It was all lies."

Katy does a long, slow blink, her lips parted as she attempts to grapple with that. "That's…" She stops and shakes her head. "That's… fuck, Bennett, I'm not sure I have words for that. That's the most fucked-up thing I've ever heard in my life, and I grew up with the Fritz family and the Central Square people, who are famous and have had their share of bullshit and blackmail. Why didn't you contest it?"

"I did," I defend. "At least I tried to. The hospital put me on administrative leave and shortly after told me that they'd keep it quiet as much as possible if I resigned and walked away. I wanted away from Liz. I wanted away from Cayden, my ex-best friend. So I took the forced resignation and left Minnesota."

She runs her hands across her face and through her hair, dumbfounded. "All right. Wow. For the record, your ex is a fucking cunt and I hope her vagina shrivels up and falls off her body. I know it sounds trite, but I have to say that I think getting away from her was the best thing you ever did. But now you're here, and so am I. Tell me how that happened."

My lips curve. Only fucking Katy could get me to smile after all that.

Pushing away from the counter, I return to the island and lay it all out for her, keeping my tone flat and void of the emotions rioting inside me. "My mom, as you know, is very sick. It's always been her dream that I have children and make her a grandmother. I'd do anything to make my mom happy because her life wasn't always the happiest. It's also always been my dream to be a father. So when I heard you talking to Zane about that, about trying to have a baby with him and then without him, I…" I trail off, trying to find the right words and how to phrase this. "I was jealous, I think. You can do that. You can have a baby on your own, but it's so much harder for me to do that. But then, I couldn't stop thinking about what if I could do that and what if I could do that with you. A woman who wants a baby but isn't necessarily looking for love or emotional commitment from it. I tried to fight those thoughts all week, but then I heard you tonight, talking about finding a place to live and a sperm donor, and I?—"

"You want to be my sperm donor?"

Her lips are twisted to the side, almost as if she's trying to hide her smile, and I can't help it, I'm so tense, so on edge, I break and start laughing.

"Yes. I want to be your sperm donor. But I want to be more than that. I want to be the father of the child. I want to be a full-time co-parent." She's silent for an eternity after that and when I can't take it another second, I allow my desperation to take over. "Say something, Katy. Please."