Chapter Fifty-Two
Danica
Present
M y footsteps echo on the marble floor as I make my way over to the expansive windows overlooking the city. The night sky is overcast, with not a single star to be found; the bay almost just as dark, were it not for the rippling reflection cast by the soft glow of the city lights. I can hear Theo’s sure footsteps as he comes up behind me, and can just make out the shape of his reflection in the glass. Standing close to my shoulder, he looks out at the view in silence, waiting.
“Theo. What happened tonight?” My voice is soft as I speak to his reflection, unable to bear my soul to him face-to-face. “I think it’s good, that we could have that closure, but-” I pause, unsure of how to continue.
Reaching for my arm, he gently turns me to face him, and I find myself reluctantly meeting his heated gaze.
“Danica. This isn’t our goodbye. What you said this morning, when you were talking with your friend? Well, it made me realize something. You never really got it, did you?”
I frown at his question, unsure of how to respond.
“Those things that I said,” his face turns into a scowl as I wince at the memory of his words, and at what he overheard me discussing with Sierra. “What happened back then, you have to know that none of it was true. I mean, maybe, partially, they were. ”
He stumbles over his words, and my confusion only worsens because he isn’t making any sense right now.
“I said those things to deliberately try to push you away. You were still hurting, still trying to heal, understandably so! God, after everything you went through, how could you not be? But I had every intention of being there right by your side, of helping you work through your demons to come out stronger on the other side. But I had been getting these letters, these horrible blackmail notes all summer, that were threatening to tell you the truth about what I had done. And there was a part of you that was still so broken, I honestly didn’t know how you would take the news about,” he swallows nervously, eyes pleading for me to understand, “about what I had done to protect you. But I tried my best to ignore the threats in the letters, even as I was struggling to find out who was causing these problems. And then, whomever it was, they sent you the truth anyway.”
I recall that day, how hurt I had been to find out he had been lying to me, keeping secrets, and manipulating the truth, just as Bradley used to do. Just as my parents had done. And the shock of finding out just how far Theo was willing to go to keep me safe. After having been treated so poorly for such a long time by everyone in my life who was supposed to have been on my side, it was hard to process such an overwhelming reality. And I overreacted, I know I did. I didn’t think; just got in my car and drove hours from Oregon to Seattle to confront him in person, without giving him a chance to really explain. On instinct, I wrap my arms protectively around my middle, Theo’s hoodie providing comfort even as I listen to his explanation.
“After they sent you those papers, I knew. I just knew that they would follow through with their other threats if I didn’t do as they said. It killed me, God, you have no idea how much it hurt to have to push you away like that. But I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t tell you the truth about the letters, the blackmailer made that very clear. And I couldn’t just break up with you for no good reason. I know you wouldn’t have believed it, not after you had found out how far I was willing to go to protect you, because I loved you. So, I did the one thing that was truly unforgiveable.”
There is so much hurt on his face as he says this, that I want to reach out and comfort him. But I don’t. Because I am hurting too. He hurt me. And he is right, it was unforgiveable.
“I used your insecurities, took your broken pieces, and used them to cut into you. But God, Danica. There is so much more you didn’t know. That you still don’t know. And I meant what I said before, no, not about you being too immature to handle it.” He throws out quickly, seeing my rising indignation.
“Just that, I have a very complicated past. One that you aren’t aware of. And the blackmailer was threatening to drop all of that on you. And after what you had just been through, especially with Bradley, then with your father and Oakley Sr., I was worried if the truth came out about me that you would think I was just as bad as them, if not worse. Screw the consequence. I could lose my hockey career; hell, I would gladly go to jail for what I did to Brad if it meant keeping you safe. But the thought of you hating me? Of thinking I was like them ? God, I couldn’t bear it. Just thinking of it was eating me alive.”
Ah. My precious Hoodie Guy. My fallen hero. He would walk through hell, tear his wings to shreds, to keep me safe. But to see him as the villain in my story? Yeah, I could definitely see how that would break him. Especially now knowing what I do about his childhood.
“So, I broke up with you. I said those awful things to push you away, but I could see you weren’t accepting it. You tried to call me and text me, and I knew the blackmailer was out there somewhere, waiting for me to slip up. So, I did the unthinkable. I went out with the team to a club after one of our games a few nights later, and let one of those puck bunnies climb all over me. I knew the press was there. I knew the vultures in the crowd had their phones and the news would spread. Especially with how quiet we had been about our own relationship. I used them, used her, as a tool to drive a wedge between us. And after all the times Brad had cheated on you in the past, I knew that would be the one thing to make you snap. And I was right.”
His chuckle is self-deprecating, shoulders dropping in resignation. “Want to know the really fucked-up part?” He pauses, as if waiting for my response.
My nod is small in response, barely there, but I know he sees it.
“After all of that, I still couldn’t let you go. Not even to keep you safe. I promised I would always protect you, but I couldn’t do the one fucking thing that I had to and just let you go. No, I became just as bad as the blackmailer, as bad as your stalker. For years, I have watched you from the sidelines and shadows. I’ve gone to your competitions, was there for your Olympic wins, cheering you on in the crowd. And I have followed you home from work every chance I could; any night that I don’t have a game, watching from the sidelines like your own fucking shadow. Now, here we are. And I want you back in my life so fucking bad that it feels like it will kill me to not have you, but you still don’t know me. The real me. And when you do, you’ll know I am just as fucked up as all the other men from your past, which is where I should stay.”
“Theo?”
His eyes are swimming with unshed tears, and I move closer, reaching up to touch his face.
“You can stop talking now.”
And standing on tiptoes, I kiss him with all that I have.