Chapter 42

FORTY-TWO

I’m over this shit.

I know they want to take care of me because they love me, but I’m over it. I want out. I want fresh air. I want away from this bunker and the stench of dead bodies that has lingered over the last two days. They’ve been so busy, I barely see them. Instead, I take the time to stretch out my body, careful of my wound since I don’t want to stay here longer than I need to. I do some basic exercises. I walk and jog, I do some push-ups, and I eat and shower and repeat. By the second day, I’m going insane. At least I had a purpose before, and I had things to keep me busy. Granted, that was usually round-the-clock torture, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

I’m fed up, to say the least, and when I stride into the kitchen we’ve claimed as our command post and find Louis, I decide it’s time to tell him that.

He spins his chair around, and I watch his grin turn into a groan. “Baby,” he starts.

“No, I’m fine. We are leaving. Today. Now. I want out!” I snap. “I will be fine on the plane. I will rest and relax and do everything you fuckers want, but if I spend one more goddamn hour down here, I’m going to go crazy—okay, crazier—and take it out on you bitches. So either be a good boy and give the order or I’m breaking out of here and you can follow. Either way, we are leaving, understood?”

“Nova, we are trying to take care of you,” he says calmly, sounding completely rational.

“Aww, that’s cute. I don’t give a fuck. We are leaving,” I retort unreasonably, but it doesn’t stop him from chuckling or pulling me closer and kissing me, even as I keep my arms crossed, not willing to back down.

“If you are sure, I can tell the others,” he begins.

“I am. I’m sure. I couldn’t be surer. I need to get out of here, Louis.” I let him see the truth. I’m afraid I’ll go crazy if I stay down here another minute. There are too many ghosts, too much pain, and too many nightmares that plague me here. “Please.” I’ll beg if I need to.

“Okay,” he says, standing and kissing my head. “I’ll tell the others. Go get dressed and we can leave.”

“Really?” I would leap up and down if it wouldn’t tear my wound.

“Really.” He grins. “We only stayed to help you. I would never ignore your desire to leave, my love. Let’s go home.”

“Let’s.” Leaning up, I kiss him harder. “Thank you.”

“Always, Nova.”

* * *

Now that we’re standing down the road, the base looks small. How could one place house such horrors? Yet it did, and as I watch Jonas flip open the switch, nothing but relief fills me.

“Boom.” He grins and two seconds later, the explosives they wired into the building blow it sky-high, incinerating everything.

The guards’ bodies, my father’s body, the labs, the results, and the rooms and all the pain they held.

The whole base goes up in flames, climbing into the sky. Nothing will be left but the scars on my body and soul from what happened here. It almost pisses me off. They should have suffered more, but I can’t change that now. Turning away, I get into the Jeep we stole and watch the flames as we drive to the nearby airfield where Dimitri’s plane is.

Nobody is waiting for me at home this time. There will be no little sister ready to welcome me back and share all my secrets with. It seems to hit me then, and tears fall from my eyes. I hide my face as we speed to the airplane.

Breaking down now will solve nothing.

Instead, I close my eyes and let the smell of smoke and the bump of the car lull me into a place between sleep and wakefulness where it doesn’t hurt so badly.

* * *

I slept the entire plane ride home. I can see the worry on my men’s faces, but I cannot bring myself to comfort them and let them know I’m okay. I’m not okay, and it couldn’t be more evident than when we pull up at the manor and Bert opens the door.

I’m out of the car before they even stop, rushing into his open arms. “Nova!” he cries when he sees me, catching me as I fling myself at him. We sink to the ground as I bury my head in his chest, my tears falling once more.

“Miss Nova, I’m so sorry,” he whispers, rubbing my back, his own tears wetting my hair as we hold each other. “I’m so very sorry.”

“Me too,” I murmur. “Is she . . .”

“We buried her.” He pulls back, brushing my tears away. “I insisted on it. Your men dug the holes, and they made sure she was with Sam under the shelter of the tree so she wouldn’t be alone. I made sure it was finished.”

What does it matter? She’s dead, but I simply nod, turning my head to see the two graves hidden under the canopy of the old tree. Pain splinters me apart, and I don’t even notice him helping me to my feet and heading inside, not until I’m looking around the foyer, as if waiting for her to jump out.

She doesn’t, of course.

This place is as empty as when I first arrived and filled with two more ghosts.

“I can make some food. I bet you must be hungry,” Bert offers at my side but doesn’t let go. “Or I can—”

“She’s really gone.” I don’t know why I’m saying it. I knew she was.

I saw her die. I felt it. I held her.

Why did a small part of me expect to see her smiling face inside this house? Looking up at Bert, I see the same pain reflected in his eyes. Bert was never our father, but he sure as fuck loved us like one.

Loved Ana like one.

He lost two daughters that day, and now one is back. We share a grieving look for the good that was stolen from the world because she was the best. She was kind, sweet, strong, and sure. Ana was so intelligent, it was scary, and she was determined to make the world a better place. It should be her who’s here, not me. She was going places, she had things to do, and she would have changed everything.

Me? I’m just a scarred, fucked-up individual who can take a lot of pain. Despite my father’s beliefs, I’m nothing special. Not really. I’m just what he created. Ana? She was so much more.

But life is a bitch like that. I lived, she died, and it hurts.

They say that everyone was born with a purpose or they find their destiny, something they were created for, but if I believed that, then I would have to believe that my sister’s reason for being born was to die. I refuse to consider that. It’s a load of shit. We are born, we suffer through life, and if we are lucky enough, we find someone to suffer through it with us. I don’t believe we are all born with a great destiny, I believe we make one.

Hers? Hers is in the legacy she leaves me with.

“I know,” he whispers. “It’s almost too hard to be here. I see a memory of her everywhere I look. It hurts, Miss Nova, but she wouldn’t want us to stop. She wouldn’t want us to be unhappy. She loved you so much, Nova. She loved you, and you did everything you could. If you couldn’t save her, then nobody could, and she knew that. Your mission is over. You did it. Now it’s time to live. We have to.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I admit out loud for the first time.

“You can do anything you put your mind to. You always could,” he responds with a squeeze.

“I spent my whole life protecting her and carrying on for her. Now what? What do I do, Bert?” I look up at him. “What do I do without her?”

“We remember her and honour her in the way we live.”

Bert is right, and when he takes my hand, I let him lead me outside to the tree. There, chiselled in stone, is her name, right next to Sam’s. The tears continue to fall as I struggle to breathe, holding Bert’s hand tightly in mine.

“It’s over, Annie. It’s over. He’s gone. He can’t hurt anyone else anymore. I thought you should know.” My voice is choked, and I swallow around my agony that is still as fresh as the moment her eyes closed. “I love you, Annie, and I’m so sorry.”

I turn away because I can’t take it anymore, then I leave Bert there and head back inside where my men are waiting for me, but if they hold me, I will break down further. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being weak.

“We should hide the research for now and check in on the children.”

“Of course.” Louis nods. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I’ll be fine,” I reply. “I just need to stay busy, okay? Just let me do that.”

“Okay, well, you can help Dimitri and Nico hide the research. Isaac and I will check on the kids.” Nodding, I follow Nico to the car. He does let me help, but he carries the boxes in while I carry the hard drives with Dimitri.

“Any ideas?” D asks, looking around.

“One,” I reply. It’s a place I forgot about until now.

Grabbing a bag, I head upstairs, past my and Annie’s rooms, to the formal sitting room on this level we never used. A panelled wall runs all the way around it. Moving to the bookcase on the right, I see the gap is still there. I used to fit behind it, but now I have to nudge it out of the way with Nico’s help. Hidden behind it is a trapdoor Bert cut for us when we told him what we wanted, and it leads into the space that used to be a cupboard before it was sealed, so this is the only way in and out.

Crouching, I open the door and peek inside, seeing the torch waiting there. Books lie discarded in the blankets, and there are glow-in-the-dark stickers on the cupboard ceiling and drawings on the wall. It was a place for us to hide when we needed to. It was our place.

It seems only right that I hide this here, leaving her to protect it.

Crawling inside, since the others will be too big, I crouch and look around, a sad smile curling my lips. “Only Annie and I knew about this place. It was our hiding spot.” Lifting my hand, I trace a drawing she made of us and Bert. Turning away, I drag my bag in and hold my hands out for the rest. “It will be safe here for now.”

They don’t question me, and I pile it all in here and cover it in a blanket just in case before sliding out. Nico helps me up, and Dimitri double-checks, adding something before straightening and moving the bookcase back. If you weren’t looking, you wouldn’t have a clue it was there.

“I set a camera and a motion sensor inside as well. It’s not on the house plans, so that’s good.” He nods. “Okay, how about we get some food, take showers, and then crash? It’s late.”

“Sure.” I look back at the spot as he takes my hand, and I allow him to lead me away. It’s yet another reminder of what I have lost, but I know she’s there, guarding the research for me.

* * *

I’m picking at my food. The table is quiet, and no one seems to want to disturb it, not even Bert. My eyes keep going to the two empty chairs opposite me. Is this what my life will be like? Sad, quiet meals with empty chairs?

I give them all a tight smile as I stand. “I’m going to bed. I’m tired.”

“Are you okay?” Isaac asks worriedly.

“I’m fine, just tired,” I lie and then move from the table. “Goodnight.” I don’t give them time to question me, nor do I ask them to join me, and they don’t offer.

Are we broken beyond repair, or am I simply too broken to love anymore?

I don’t know, but when I collapse, it’s in her bed, not mine. I suck in her scent as I cry, wrapping her cold sheets around me and wishing she were here.

I wish they had taken me, not her.

Sam would have loved her through her pain. They would have stopped Father, grown old, and had kids. They would have made this place a home. She would have been happy. She would have been better than me.

But everyone is right. I need to live for her now.

I cannot change the past nor can I take the pain away.

I just need to learn to live with it if I can and hope they love me enough to stay by my side as I try to heal my broken heart and lonely soul.