Chapter 40

FORTY

Isleep for a while. I know because when I wake up, the big lights are on and the guys are milling around. Luckily, they look better. They’ve clearly showered and slept a little, even if Isaac is checking my wound when I wake.

“How’s it look, doc?” I croak, my throat sore from sleeping and screaming.

He smiles softly as he covers it and moves to my side. “Good,” he murmurs. “It’s healing fast, though that shouldn’t surprise me. I’d still like you to rest for a few days. I don’t want to irritate the healing process or the staples, and your body has been through a lot of trauma, but you’ll be okay.”

I can see the question in his eyes. My body will heal, but will my soul and heart mend? I don’t have the answer, so I look away, meeting Louis’s eyes as he leans against the doorway, wearing a soft smile directed at me.

“Can I sit up?” I ask.

Isaac frowns but moves my pillows and helps me sit. It tugs on the wound, and I bite back a moan of pain. I’m used to it by now, after all, and I don’t want them to worry. The quicker we can get the hell away from here, the better. Leaning back into the pillows, I eye them warily.

“The kids?” I ask. The last thing I remember is seeing them before my father attacked. “The one my father held?”

“All okay. They are a little shaken up, confused, and scared, but they will be fine. I don’t know what was done to them yet, but I will find out. I promise,” Louis murmurs. “Everyone else is fine, just focus on you.”

“Where are they—”

“Nova,” Louis and Isaac admonish.

Rolling my eyes, I relax as much as I can, but every look around at the white, sterile room makes me antsy. “Are we sure they are all dead, including my father?” I question, needing to know, needing to be sure.

“I checked and double-checked them all myself.” Louis pushes from the door and takes my hand. “He’s dead, Nova, for good this time. You’re free; we all are. It’s done. Our mission is over. We stopped him.”

“It doesn’t feel real,” I admit.

“It will take some time. A lot has happened over the last few days,” he says, kissing the back of my hand. “Just take a little bit of time to relax and let your mind and body heal, okay?” I groan, and he chuckles. “I know it’s hard, but it’s for the best.”

“I hate bed rest unless it’s for fun stuff,” I mutter as Isaac grins at me, checking my vitals once more. I need to have a talk with him about those shadows in his eyes, but not with anyone else here. “The others?”

“Dimitri is wiping everything and copying all the files, Jonas is on patrol up top, and Nico is with the kids.” My eyebrows rise at that, making Louis smirk. “Surprisingly, they seem to like him. He hates it, or so he says.”

“Sure he does.” I smile, closing my eyes. I am exhausted, but I know I can never fully relax while we are here. It doesn’t feel like it’s over while this place still stands. It’s a reminder of what my father was capable of and can still do while his research exists. He might be dead, but his findings are not, which is something we need to discuss, but from the glint in Louis’s eyes, I can tell he won’t let me—not now when they are determined for me to relax and rest.

Isaac leans down and kisses me softly. “The more you rest, the quicker we can get out of here.”

Grumbling to myself, I close my eyes once more, even though I hate leaving them to deal with everything. I expect to struggle to sleep, but before I know it, blackness claims me.

* * *

I jerk awake with a scream, the nightmare trapped on a loop in my brain until I fight against the hands on me, only to realise it’s the bedding. Lights blare on, blinding me for a moment before I blink it away and realise I’m in bed, hooked to machines after killing my father.

I am not trapped by them as they cut me open.

My guys rush into the room, their weapons held up, and they only relax when I wave them away. Ignoring their protests, I sit up and suck in some air as hands rub my back.

“Are you okay?” Nico asks.

“Just a bad dream,” I tell him, feeling embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“Don’t ever be sorry for that,” he reassures me softly, wrapping me in his arms.

I fight it at first, not wanting to give in to the comfort and warmth, knowing I will break, but he’s so hard to resist, and I slump into his hold. Tears form in my eyes. It feels like I’ve cried enough for a lifetime, but I can’t stop them from coming.

“Annie and you guys were there, and I couldn’t save you,” I admit in a whisper, more tears flowing down. “She’s dead.”

“I know,” he murmurs, kissing my head. “I know, baby. Let it all out.”

“She’s dead, and I’m alive. She’s fucking dead.” I smack my fists into his chest and he lets me. “She’s dead. I lost her. I couldn’t stop them. I couldn’t do anything.” I don’t even know what I’m saying other than it all pours out. My nightmare brought on everything that has happened, and it spills from me like a tidal wave of pain. He holds me the entire time, stroking my hair. Their warmth, their comfort surrounds me, protecting me as I break, wishing they could take it away.

“I’m so sorry, babe,” Nico whispers, his voice thick with pain. “We should have known. We should have protected you and Ana better. We are so very fucking sorry.”

“It isn’t your fault. It’s his, and he’s gone. We can’t change it, but it hurts,” I admit. “It hurts so fucking much that I feel like I’m dying sometimes.” I lift my head to see his eyes filled with tears. “Will it ever stop? Will I ever stop feeling like my chest is in a vice and I can’t get a breath without choking? Will it ever feel like I can live again?”

“No, but it gets easier.”

I turn my head to meet Dimitri’s sad eyes.

“Each day, it grows a little easier to breathe. There will still be moments where you remember them and it breaks you apart . . . Something little can catch you off-guard. But each day, it gets easier to get up, easier to move and carry on. You never truly forget them, not really. It’s always there, waiting for you to remember, and sometimes you just . . . lose track of that for a time. It could be days, weeks, or even months, but then it’s there again. The pain never goes away with time; it just gets easier to manage. Eventually, you’ll forget all the bad stuff, and even though it hurts, you’ll remember the good. You’ll remember the happy times and smile and tell us about them to keep her alive within us. It doesn’t mean you stop loving her by going on, Nova. It simply means you love her enough to keep moving despite losing her. That’s how you keep her alive with us, and that’s how you survive this. One foot in front of the other, one breath, one second at a time. Eventually, those seconds add up to minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and finally years, until you’ve lived longer without them than you did with them. It still fucking hurts, but you’re not alone. I wish I could change the past and save her, but I can’t. I’m here though. We are here. You won’t go through this alone. Even in the darkness, we will hold your hands, and I know Ana would want you to be happy. She loved you so much, Nova. You are her big sister, you will always be her big sister, and when the time comes, you will see each other again. Until that day, it’s okay to struggle and forget what she smelled like. It’s okay to let go, Nova. We will be right here to catch you.”

Tears stream down my face as I take his hand, his own pain matching mine. It’s the pain that only someone who has lost somebody they love so deeply can understand.

“You loved her, and she loved you, Nova, and that’s all that matters,” he whispers as he squeezes my hand. “I promise that we will love you until the very end. We will help you heal in every way we can, and one day, you’ll tell me everything about her and I’ll tell you all about Bas. Deal?”

“Deal,” I croak as they shuffle closer, offering me their comfort as I cry for the sister I lost and the future she could have had and the torture I have experienced since childhood. I finally get it all out, enveloped by my men, my family.

My lovers hold me together as I break apart, giving me their strength when I am weak.