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28. Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

T he ass left her.

Slipped out in the early hours before dawn, not nudging her in the slightest as he left the room. Left Edinburgh.

He’d set her into a terrorized panic that forced her on a frenzied ride across the countryside after getting herself properly clothed and explaining everything to Sylvie the best she could with the raw scratch in her throat.

She’d only switched out her horse once on her way to Ravenstone, and even though the poor beast was on its last legs, she pushed it into one of the trails on the edge of the estate that led through the forest, no matter that it was rocky and twisty. It led directly to where she needed to go.

She broke through the outer edge of the woods, taking in the gusting misty grey skies that matched her sour mood.

Of course this was where she would find him.

The cliff’s edge. Toes hanging off into oblivion. The sea angry beyond him.

At the forest’s edge, Izzie slid off the horse, wrapping the reins onto a low branch, and started out onto the rocky, windswept stretch of land before the earth dropped straight down to the sea.

Whether Thomas knew she was approaching or not, she couldn’t tell.

She stopped directly behind him, pulling her dark cloak tight around her chest. “You left me.”

“I did.” He didn’t twitch, didn’t glance over his shoulder to her—knew she was approaching the whole time. “You cannot believe I would stay anywhere near you after what I did.”

She moved next to him along the cliff’s edge. “What I believe is that you are not the monster you are making yourself out to be.”

He twisted, his look cutting sharply to her. “I am a monster, Izzie.”

“Are you? For I have a differing opinion. You need to explain to me why you did what you did. What demons in your sleep have such a tight hold on you that you would mistake me for them.”

He turned fully away from her, sideways to the cliff’s edge, his dark hair ruffling in the wind. “Leave me the fuck alone, Izzie. I don’t need this. I don’t need you.”

Her head snapped back. Words meant to wound her when he couldn’t do it with his fist.

He was going to have to try harder than that.

She stepped away from the edge of the cliff, seemingly to leave, but then she sidestepped to land directly in front of him. She glared up at him, her innate stubbornness rearing. “No. You owe me this. You owe me the reason.”

His mouth pulled back in a snarl. “And you need to leave. Leave Ravenstone for good.”

“No.”

“Yes. You don’t get a say in it. I want you off my land.”

“Off your land? Is this where I should go?” An idiotic gamble, she took one step to her right, her foot precariously on the edge of the rocky cliff.

She let the ball of her foot slip along the edge into nothing but air, loose rocks slipping off and crashing down the side of the cliff into the thrashing sea below.

Before she could blink, faster than she even thought possible, he snatched her arm and whipped her away from the edge of the cliff.

She spun with the force of it, her feet scrambling and one hand dropping to the ground to keep her upright.

By the time she fully righted herself, Thomas stood in front of her, his hands in fists, heaving breaths. A ferocity in his eyes that both scared and heartened her.

Emotion. Good, she needed that from him.

She pounced before he could yell at her, her voice still rough but stronger than it had been. “I do get a say in where I go. I do because of what I see in your eyes when you look at me.”

His top lip curled. “Lust.”

“Yes.” She stepped toward him. “But it is far, far more than that.”

“Is it?” He looked like he wanted to throttle her. “Do tell me my own mind—tell me how I look at you.”

His voice was meant to cow her, but she refused it. There was too much at stake.

Her words dipped low, heavy with consequence. “You look at me like you are in the middle of the roughest, darkest seas, flailing, with rain pounding down on you and sending you to dip below the surface every few seconds. And I am the hunk of wood from the ship that crashed around you that is going to keep you afloat, if only you can swim toward me. Make it to me.”

His nostrils flared, his jaw ticking, the glare in his eyes piercing her. He didn’t say a word, but neither did he storm away.

She moved fully into his space and set her hand on his chest, her forefinger curling into the V of his lawn shirt to touch his skin. “This is the moment you need to make that happen. You need to reach out and grab me, and that is what I will do. I will keep you afloat. I am strong enough for it and you have to trust that I know can do it. For both of us.”

His look dropped down to her left, staring at the rocky soil beside her feet.

“You need to tell me what happened, Thomas. You need to let it bleed out of you, before it rots you from the inside out.”

It took long seconds, and then his chest lifted high against her palm.

His stare didn’t lift to her, but his mouth started to move, once, twice, with no sound. A third time, and his haunted voice made it out into the air.

“The rope was around my neck. The stump kicked out from under me. I dropped, the rope tightened, strangling me, death so damn close, and I didn’t want it, but I was resigned to it…then I fell and hit the ground. The rope had snapped under my weight. The fucking brittle old twine they tried to hang me with.”

The hairs on her head spiked, shock vibrating through her body, but she stilled herself, refusing to react, her hand solid against his chest. The slightest movement could snap him out of the past and everything he needed to exorcise himself of, and she couldn’t have that. Not when he was finally putting words to his demons.

“But that was just the start of the nightmare. After the rope broke, the superstitious bastards that they were, they saw it as a sign from the gods, so they kept me alive. They threw me in a hovel of a cell and tortured me, let me rot away for years. Would sharpen their knives on my bones when they were bored. Bring in the red-hot iron when they were vicious. It was best when they forgot I even existed. Worst when they remembered I was there to torture. Six years in that fucking cell. Six years without sun. Without rain. Without wind.”

Her fingers curled into his chest, unconsciously sliding across the ring-shaped scar, the pain in his voice slicing her into a thousand pieces.

Of all the things she’d imagined happened to him, something this horrific never occurred to her.

At his silence, she dared to prod him further, her voice a haunted whisper. “Why? Why do this to you? Where were you?”

“I was on the wrong ship at the wrong time.” His head dropped back, his face to the grey sky. “I was in Leith, and I was drunk and I stumbled onto a ship that my father had investment in that he wanted me to verify all was well with. I passed out below deck, and when I awoke, we were already out at sea. They came into a small port on the continent to drop me off so I could take the next ship back to England instead of sail off to the West Indies with them. But it was two days before the England-bound ship was to leave.” His jawline tightened, fury taking a hold of him, sending a tremble through his limbs. “Two days that ruined everything.”

“What happened?”

“I was at a tavern by the docks—a seedy, rat-infested one, but it didn’t matter as I only needed to bide my time there.”

“Biding your time went astray?”

“It did, in the worst possible way. There was a woman there, she wasn’t a barmaid—maybe a whore or a desperate spinster—I was never sure—but she would not leave me alone. No matter where I stood, she was next to me, talking at me. Setting her hands on me. Insinuating her services in bed were available. I steered the conversation away from that topic again and again— I just wanted to get home at that point, not partake in anything she was offering. But the longer the night went on, the more she clung to me. The more I drank. I was soused when a man came into the tavern and grabbed her, yanking her away from my side. He struck her, again and again—started beating her in the middle of the tavern, screaming at her.”

A shudder ran down his body and Izzie flinched. She knew too well that scene.

“And they were not light strikes. They were hard and vicious, tearing deep into her skin. People watched, but nobody made a move to stop him. So I did. I stopped him. Punched him directly in the temple and he dropped hard. I thought I was being honorable—the woman had done nothing with me that warranted such treatment. But that’s when hell descended upon me. The man had a crew with him that piled on me. Seven of them. I fought but was no match. They yanked both of us out of the tavern and they dragged us to the prison, throwing us into separate cells. Beating both of us along the way. Her screams still echo in my head.”

“How could they do that? On what accusations?”

“Adultery.”

Her head pulled back, her brow wrinkling. “They did that? For adultery? How in the world?”

His look dropped to her. “That place did not operate within the bounds of any real laws. The laws, guilt, and punishment were whatever that crew of men decided they were.”

With a quick intake of breath, her hand slipped in front of her mouth.

“They spent the night drinking, beating me until they were bored, drinking again, and beating me.” His voice went wooden, the air of death seeping into the sound of his voice. “The next morning, the brutes were drunk and disturbed and bloodthirsty. They hauled both me and the woman into the town square where there was a hanging tree. Or maybe they just turned it into that, I don’t know. I could barely see out of one eye at that point. Then they yanked me up onto a stump and slipped the noose around my neck.”

He paused, his nostrils flaring. “The second the rope was around my neck, they kicked out the stump, and all I heard was laughter. Their unhinged, maniacal laughter. I fell, twisted, my body jerking, and the rope broke. I was knocked unconscious when I hit the ground below. I woke up back in a cell in that prison, and that was when the real torture started. Death would have been the easy way out for me. The preferable way out.”

“What happened to the woman?”

“The stupid part is, I don’t even remember her name—I’m not even sure she told me. All this over a bored, nameless woman.” His shoulders lifted. “So much wrong, and all she wanted was company. She died, I assume. I never saw her again in the prison. Not in the six years I was tortured there.”

No wonder he was celibate. No wonder he wanted nothing to do with her and Sylvie.

Her voice went weak. “How…how did you get out of there?”

“A group of men raided the prison to get one of their men out—they opened up all the cells as they busted through the prison. I slid out the side while all the fighting was happening. From there, fate took pity on me in the form of an older widow that hid me and got me safely onto a ship for England.”

“Thomas…this…this is unimaginable.” She looked up to him, lifting her hand to set her palm along the side of his cheek. “The injustice of it all…there are no words…”

He winced, his eyes closing, as though her sympathy cut him deeper than any dagger ever had. “Do not feel sorry for me.”

“Not sorry—I am entirely enraged on your behalf.”

“I don’t deserve your rage or your sympathy.”

“Don’t deserve it—why ever not?”

“Because I didn’t survive that prison like I should have.” His voice dipped low, haunted. “I didn’t come back able to forget everything I did to survive. Everything I did to others.”

Her breath caught at his cryptic words. Keeping her stare on him, her hand dropped away from his face. “Things you did to others? What do you mean?”

“I mean the choking.”

She nodded, not understanding but needing so desperately to do so. “What were you dreaming of when you were choking me?”

“I was dreaming of those nights.” His body jerked slightly and he stopped, shaking his head as he drew a deep breath, his stare going off to the sea. “Those nights when I was asleep and they would send one of the men sentenced to die in on me, telling him he would win his freedom if he could kill me with his bare hands. The bastard guards would bet on the outcome.”

Reeling, her jaw dropped. “What?”

“They would wait until I was asleep and then they would send in one of the walking dead.” His stare didn’t veer from the unending sea and its churning waters. “Not often, but a few times a year. I would be ripped awake by a foot smashing into my jaw. Or by hands squeezing my neck. Or by my temple being slammed into a stone wall. And I would react, not thinking. I took all those lives. I took all of them by choking them. It was the easiest. The least bloody.”

Her head went light, her eyes closing tight. She’d been stunned by inhumanity before, but this was far beyond her worst imaginings.

His voice came rough, low, seeping through the lightness in her head. “It is time for you to leave, Izzie. You now know the monster that I am. You felt it around your neck. And that monster cannot have access to you. That monster shouldn’t exist.”

It took her three deep breaths to steady herself before she could open her eyes. He looked exactly as he sounded. His head dropped, chin almost to his chest, his shoulders defeated. Weary.

No longer even searching for that last floating chunk of wood to claw onto.

With a tremble in her hands, she reached out, sliding her fingers under his chin, and she lifted his face to her. It took a long moment, and she could see in the twitching lines of muscles along his jaw how he fought it. But then he opened his eyes to her.

Torture, plain and simple, in his eyes.

Torture he didn’t deserve, but had to live with.

He’d been forced to survive what life handed him, just the same as her.

One breath, deep into her lungs, setting conviction strong in her chest. “This is the moment when you swim to me. Dig your fingernails so deep into me that it would rip my soul apart if you left me. I will keep you afloat, Thomas. I will. I am strong enough for you. I am strong enough for that monster inside of you. You won’t sink us.”

He stared at her for long seconds. Disbelief. Anger. Doubt.

And then, finally, relief.

His right hand lifted, then his left. His arms sliding around her slowly, hesitant, almost as though she was going to disappear in a wisp of smoke.

But she was solid. And when he was finally convinced of that fact, his arms turned to steel around her, crushing her to him.

Exactly where she belonged.

She knew it, even if he was afraid to believe it.

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