Chapter 18

THE MORRíGAN

We decide to go to sleep earlier than either of us usually would.

"You can have the couch," Ciara says, and I try not to wince. It really is too small for me to lie down on, but I cannot expect her to share her bed with me. Not now. So I nod and don't say anything, but when she goes to get a spare blanket and cushion for my head, it's clear that I will have to contort myself into a shockingly small space.

"Are you sure you're okay sleeping here?"

"Of course," I reassure her, but I'm dreading cramping myself like this. I'm given blankets and an extra pillow for my head, and I set it up as best I can.

She goes to perform the evening's ablutions, and asks me if I'd like to brush my teeth.

"With what?"

That gives her pause. "Oh, I hadn't considered that. How about tomorrow we go into town, and pick you up some of the things that you'll need if you decide to spend more time as a human."

I consider this. "That would be nice, though I have no modern gold with which to pay."

"I can pay," says Ciara. "I spend all my time working, I might as well spend my earnings, now that I can."

She hums in the bathroom, but doesn't change until she goes into her bedroom. This time she closes the door behind her, and I can't follow her in and curl up with her like I did yesterday.

For all that humanshape heals faster, I'm missing wolfshape right now. Wolfshape comes with pets and praise from Ciara—or at least, it did.

I doubt very much that Ciara is likely to pet and praise me now.

When she pops her head back round the door, I see a shoulder dressed only with a thin strap, and I close my eyes and ask Danu for forbearance. "Forgot to turn the light off!"

Her hand fumbles for a switch on the wall and then I'm plunged into darkness, the only light glinting through a gap in the curtains.

"Night, Red." Her words float across the room, and I wish I could wrap myself in them like another blanket on this makeshift bed.

"Night, Ciara," I reply, and then try to sleep.

I fidget a lot. This doesn't feel natural to me, sleeping here. Last night it was different, last night felt akin to Pack, bundled up with Ciara, feeling her body heat next to mine. Tonight, I feel trapped.

I don't know how long it has been since I slept in humanshape—a few millennia at least—I never liked all of the trappings that came with it. Clothing and blankets. I don't need all that frippery. I need the earth beneath my body, and clover as my pillow.

I could sleep anywhere in the forest as the Dark Goddess. Now that I am back in this form, this shape, I realize that I wish to do so again.

Longingly, I look towards the door, and then over towards Ciara's bedroom. No matter how much I want to go outside, I can't leave her. It's not what Pack would do.

But more importantly, it's not what I want to do.

Ciara will sleep, and he will haunt her dreams, and I want to be here for when she needs me. If she needs me.

She may not need you, sister, says Macha. You have done your part.

She does not realize though, that I am not done. That I will not be done until Ciara feels safe again. Hopefully, that will happen whilst I am staying here, but if not, there are places I can stay nearby, caves and tree hollows that provide plenty shelter for a wolf who needs to keep an eye on her Pack.

The Pack would do that though.

I ignore Macha. I refuse to shirk my responsibilities, and Ciara is my responsibility now. I killed her ex-husband. I avenged her pain. I must protect her now.

There's a noise from her bedroom, and I force myself to lie still and not go charging in there. She may just be turning in the night. But when the noise comes again, I know that she is not. She is crying, and… and…

Everything in my brain freezes, as if I've somehow been designed to be Ciara's protector from the very start of my existence. I can't bear the thought of her crying, I can bear hearing it less still.

I slip out of the bed and walk on unsteady feet to her bedroom door.

My hand splays flat against the wood and I rest my forehead against the door. I don't say anything, just radiate Pack and safety and care.

"Red?" She sounds broken.

"I'm here," I say. I don't try and go in, don't even ask if I can, I just stand here.

"I don't like sleeping in a bedroom," she says.

"Then let's find you somewhere else to sleep."

The door opens, and she looks up at me, hair all beautifully mussed. "We can do that?"

"We can do that."

"Where?"

"Outside?"

Ciara looks nervous at the thought of it. "Would it be safe?"

I smile. "We'd have Pack with us."

Instantly, I feel her relief. "Pack would be safe."

"Come." Taking her hand, I draw her out of her bedroom.

She pauses, and then grabs the pillow and blanket that she'd thrown over the couch for me. "Best to be on the safe side. I don't want to catch my death."

"I'd catch it first," I say, vowing to cheat death of this precious soul.

Her laugh is like raindrops, bouncing off petals. "No, as in I don't want to get too cold."

"You won't need your blankets."

She shoots me a cautious smile. "I suppose you'll have to keep me warm."

I could say any number of things about curling up with wolves and dogpiling as a Pack, but I don't. I just stare, speechless at the possibility of having her curled up against me in my humanshape.

The mere prospect of it does things to me, awakens parts of me that have been long dormant. I haven't fucked since I've been back from behind the Veil, not even considered it, and now…? Now it's all I can consider.