Chapter Nineteen Rowan

The panic was starting to settle in as a bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, the following thunder shaking the rain loose from the clouds. Heavy raindrops struck the top of the SUV so hard that the noise was nearly deafening. However my panic had nothing to do with the storm and everything to do with James.

?What I'd interpreted as fantasies to begin with had started to bloom into something else. Sure, I'd noticed my odd need to apologize to him after our fight the day before. But that was just good manners, right? Feeling a need to take care of him and make him smile was just part of being a good host. Everything else was just sex and nothing more.

?But now there were other things happening. And those things scared the shit out of me. It was one thing to want to fuck him, it was quite the opposite to feel like I wanted to take him out on a date.

?What was wrong with me? I was still torn up about Mia, wasn't I? I needed at least what? Three to nine months to process the loss of my long-term girlfriend? The one I thought I was going to marry someday and start a family with. The one I'd sacrificed all my freedom for so I could buy her the house she'd always wanted. I'd lost all of that a week ago. And here I was sitting next to a man that I was quickly developing feelings for.

?It was just rebound feelings, right? It had to be. There was no way anybody could possibly start to care about another person so quickly. This wasn't some stupid Hallmark movie or a fairy tale. This was real life and that meant I couldn't just jump into another relationship so quickly.

?Then there was the part about him being a man. Sure, in the past couple of days I'd been slowly coming to terms with my sexual attraction to him. But part of me was still holding out hope that it was just him and not every man that I found attractive. Of course, there was that guy in college, but that was so long ago that it didn't count. Right? Right?!

?That aside, romantic feelings were just plain too much and too far. I couldn't care about James in that way. Someday I had to go back to my old life. While that didn't include Mia or our apartment, it did mean I had to be around my friends and colleagues again. Adam knew and I could deal with that. But the thought of having to come out to everyone left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, things were a lot more tolerant than they used to be, but that didn't mean people wouldn't treat me differently. I might not get a promotion or some people might stop talking to me all together.

?Besides, James loved living in Ludington. He wasn't going to leave for some heartbroken sad sack like me. He deserved better than that. And it would never last anyway. If there was one thing about relationships I was certain of, it was that they all came to an end, eventually. Things might feel wonderful and new right now. But eventually he'd cheat on me just like Mia did. It was a sad conclusion to come to, but one I felt certain of.

?Relationships always ended in heartbreak.

?Something touched my thigh, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

?"Sorry," James laughed, giving my leg a squeeze. "I didn't mean to scare you."

?I shook my head, trying to dispel my depressing spiral. "It's okay."

?"Isn't the rain beautiful?" he asked, pulling himself over to my side of the car and laying his head in my lap. "I love the way it sweeps in over the lake. There's just something so calming about the entire thing."

?"It's like white noise," I replied matter-of-factly. "Like the kind you play to fall asleep."

?"Yeah. But it smells way better." He wrapped his arm around my waist, snuggling in close. "And the company is a lot better."

?The butterflies in my stomach always went wild when he said stuff like that. It was disconcerting how quickly he could get me all riled up both emotionally and physically. He had too much power over me.

?"It's pretty," I said at last, choosing not to comment on the rest of his statement.

?We were quiet for a few minutes, both of us just staring out over the lake at the rain fell and the waves crashed. The wind that had swelled up at the beginning of the storm had now died down. The rain fell straight down, filling the air with the smell of petrichor and earth. It would've been really nice if my head wasn't still spinning.

?"What do you dream of doing with your life?" James asked out of the blue.

?"What?"

?"If money were no object and you could spend your life doing whatever you wanted, what would it be?"

?I furrowed my brows. "I… I don't know. I never really thought about it."

?"You don't dream about your life?"

?"Why would I?" I shrugged. "I have to work at this job to make a living and when I retire someday, if I'm that lucky, I'll be too old and decrepit to do anything but sit around and watch television. So there's no point in dreaming about something that will never happen."

?James nodded, but didn't comment. Instead he added, "I dream all the time."

?I couldn't help myself from asking. "About what?"

?"I like the vet clinic, but if I didn't have to make money, I think I'd start a small farm or something."

?"A farm?"

?"Yeah. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up every day, feed the chickens, collect eggs, and grow veggies? I could have my own little orchard full of fruit trees and there would be a stand out by the road where I could sell the extras or just give them away I guess. Just my own small haven in the middle of nowhere for me and my man."

?"I didn't think you'd be into that sort of thing."

?James shrugged, holding me tighter. "It just feels like the sort of thing I'd love to do with my life. And, if I try it for a while and decide it's not quite what I want, then I can go find a new dream. That's the beauty of life."

?"Sounds like you've got it all figured out," I sighed, shifting myself into a more comfortable position. "I hope you find the guy that wants to do that with you."

?I felt him flinch at my words, but he covered it up quickly with a stretch before he pulled himself away.

?"Yeah. Someday. But for now, I'll work at the clinic until I get money saved up for such a place. And even if I have to start the farm alone, I'd do it, anyway. I love animals and nature too much not to have at least something."

?"I hope that works out for you."

?James looked up at me, his blue eyes sparkling. "I hope you find something that makes you happy too. I know things have been tough for you." He paused, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Just don't let your anger get in the way of finding your happiness, okay?"

?I wasn't sure if it felt good or violating that he could read me so easily.

?"Right," I muttered, tearing my gaze away from him.

?James went back to his side of the SUV and got comfortable once more. A few minutes passed by and a part of me wanted to stay out there, but the mood had shifted. What had once been a happy and warm private moment had turned as cold and damp as the weather outside. I let out a sigh, knowing I couldn't handle it much longer.

?"Well, I have to go back to work tomorrow," I said at last. "And your foot is getting a lot better."

?James nodded, his smile fading. "You can take me home whenever you want. In fact, why don't you take me over to the dunes and I'll pick up my car. I can just drive with my left foot."

?Sadness filled my chest as I realized what I'd done. "Are you sure?"

?"Yeah," he sighed. "You've already done too much for me as it is. I need to let you get back to your own life."

?I hated myself for taking his smile away. I watched him crawl back into the passenger seat and slip his seatbelt on. I wanted him to stay, more than anything. But, I knew he had to go. I had a job waiting for me and a life I needed to rebuild. Adam wasn't going to let me live in his cabin forever and I didn't plan to. Come tomorrow morning, I needed to start looking for an apartment of my own and it was probably best if I didn't stay in Ludington.

?My time with James had been nice, but it was only temporary. I didn't want a relationship from anyone. My heart just couldn't take it.

?So, sliding out of the back of the SUV, I let the cold rain soak through my clothing as I shut the tailgate and headed back to the driver's seat. It was time to take James home.

?And it was time for me to be alone once more.