4. Emmett

CHAPTER FOUR

emmett

One thingabout no longer taking Benny’s classes is I have a lot of time on my hands. I’m only at the rink three times a week officially, but I find myself going there and skating to fill in the hours. Or going to the beach.

Some days when Benny has a full day of classes, I’ll hang around the DIK house and pretend to be him so I can hang out with real humans and not get lost in my thoughts.

Considering I’ve lived in this house for six months and no one has noticed there are two Bens says a lot about the intellect of frat boys.

The whole frat thing wasn’t something I had any desire to be a part of, which is why when I was at San Diego State, I did the dorm college experience. My roommate was an okay guy, but it wasn’t like we were friends.

I wasn’t friends with many people at all other than a small group from my dorm block. I think my expectations were too high going to a separate school from my brother. Benny and I have been inseparable since we were born, to the point that when we made the decision to go to two different colleges, our older siblings thought we’d had a fight, were sick, or were having a collective breakdown. Our family being dramatic? We were used to it.

We didn’t want to go to separate schools, but considering how hard it was to take each other’s classes in high school—wardrobe changes, remembering who we were supposed to be and when—we figured going to schools close by would be easier for switching purposes.

And it was in that sense, but I’d never lived without Benny before, so not seeing him every day was weird. It was as if I was missing a limb. An extension of myself.

I thought the kind of friendship we had was what all best friends had. I was under the delusion that our twinly bond wasn’t a twin thing but a best friend thing.

I was wrong.

No one comes close to Benny.

Speaking of which, he barges into our room with a massive growth on his face.

“Uh, bro? You might need to see a doctor to remove that Harrison from your mouth.”

Benny and Harrison pull away from each other.

“Told you we should’ve gone back to mine,” Harrison says.

“I thought he’d be out,” Benny complains and then turns to me. “Why aren’t you out?”

“I missed you all day too, Benny Wenny.”

“Get out.” He points to the window.

I sigh and roll off the bed. “Fine. Text me when you’re done.” I grab my phone and backpack and slip out the window.

Honestly, I could probably go through the house, and no one would think twice about seeing Ben pass while making out with his boyfriend and then, thirty seconds later, walking back out boyfriendless.

But even though it’s tempting to see how far we could push it, I don’t. Because if anyone figures out Ben has been two people this whole time, not only will they ask why, but they’ll kick me out of the frat house, and I’ll be homeless. My only option would be to go home to Vermont and explain why I’m not in school anymore.

I have nowhere to go while Benny and Harrison fuck, so I end up making my way down to the beach.

Halfway there, my phone vibrates in my pocket, and I’m hopeful that either Benny or Harrison were too quick on the trigger and it’s already over, but no. It’s our oldest brother, West, who has been trying to get a hold of me for months.

Every time he’s called, I’ve answered and told him I’m too busy to talk, but I think it’s time I give him something. Anything.

Just not the whole getting kicked out of school thing.

I hit Answer. “It’s about time you called me. What, did you forget I exist? You never call, you never write …”

“Do I really need to call bullshit on that, or do you want me to?”

I don’t open that can of worms. “What’s up?”

“What’s up? You can’t ignore my calls and then casually ask what’s up. Why don’t you tell me what’s up?”

“The sky. Your blood pressure … presumably …”

“Emmy. You’re hiding something, and I want to know what it is.”

“I’m hiding a lot of things. Like the time I walked in on you and Jasper having sex when I was a very impressionable teenager. It might be your fault that I’m, like, ninety-five percent gay, but I kept that a secret.”

“No, you didn’t. You told everyone in the house.”

I laugh. “If we want to get technical, I told Ben, and Ben told everyone, but you thought he was me.”

“Still don’t believe you on that one. I got really good at telling you apart for a while there.”

“Sure you did. Or … did you?”

“Fuck,” he mutters under his breath. “Tell me what’s going on with you. How are classes?”

I swallow around the lump in my throat because I’m sick of lying. I’m sick of hiding. “Fine. I’ll tell you. But you have to promise not to tell Benny what’s going on.”

“Benny doesn’t even know? I need to be sitting down for this, don’t I? You got arrested, didn’t you? No, you killed a man. Married an alien from outer space, and now you’re pregnant with an alien baby. You⁠—”

If I don’t stop him, he won’t stop at all. “I took a coaching job because I miss hockey.”

Complete silence comes down the line.

“West?” I croak.

“I’m here. Just processing. Did I make a mistake letting you quit? I thought you were adamant you hated hockey, hated the pressure, hated the press⁠—”

“It’s true I hated the pressure, and I agree with Benny when he says the press is toxic, but …”

“But you didn’t actually want to give it up? Em, I had no idea. You know, it’s not too late to get back in the game. You could come back to Vermont and transfer to CU. I hear the head coach is a bit of an asshole, but he could get you a spot on the team.” He snickers because he is the head coach at CU. He’s not an official dad but is full of dad jokes.

“I’ve gone years without conditioning or playing properly.”

“Reconditioning would be easy at your age.”

“I …”

“You don’t want to leave Benny.”

“If I had to choose between hockey and Ben, you know I’d always choose him. I haven’t told him I’m doing the coaching because, well, you know how he feels about hockey.”

“I think he’ll understand,” West says softly. “After all, isn’t he the one going into sports journalism to fix the toxic standard of the sport? Coaching is in your blood.”

I roll my eyes. “You’re only my half brother. I don’t think DNA works like that or that coaching ability is genetic.”

“Whatever. You get all your best features from me. I practically raised you.”

Not practically. He did raise us. I remember him more than I do our dad, so to me, West is my father. And I hate keeping secrets from him, but it’s impossible to dig my way out of this one. He wouldn’t approve, he’d be disappointed about the fire, even though it wasn’t …

I shake my head.

“Again, that’s not how DNA and genes work, but I’ll let you have it. I’m awesome because of you.” If I don’t snark, I’ll crack.

West lets out a humorless laugh. “Actually, you’re awesome because you’re so damn loyal. You know, when you and Benny were younger, I always wished Asher and I could have a relationship like yours.”

“Asher? Mr. Eat Shit and Die Asher?”

“Crazy, I know. I’m not going to get all parental on you and tell you what you can and cannot do, but I do think you should tell Benny what you’re doing after classes.” There’s a pause. “It is after classes, right? You’re not skipping out on lectures and your degree to do these coaching sessions?”

Ugh. My options here are to lie some more or avoid it completely. “What was that? You’re breaking up. Can’t … hear … what? Oh, no, gotta go. Byyyyyye.”

I don’t think he bought it.

An hour passes, and I still don’t have a text from Benny saying it’s safe to come back. It probably is. Surely, they’re done by now. Then again, Harrison seems like a snuggly type. I should give them post-sex cuddle time.

It’s not so bad where I am, sitting on the sand, listening to the waves gently crash against the shore, the nice breeze on my face. It’s not as cold as I’d like it to be, but it’s calming. The moon is bright tonight, the beach a picturesque landscape, but all I can think is how this night would look back home. The snow, the frozen-over lake, the air so cold it hurts my nose and I can see my breath.

I know Benny loves the beach, but for me, I prefer ice.

“Coach Dalton?”

I’m snapped out of my trance and glance up to see Professor Brooks standing above me. “U-uh, umm⁠—”

“Jonah,” he says as if not being able to remember his name is the reason I’m a stuttering moron.

“Jonah Brooks. I remember.” I stand and shake his hand.

“Do you go to Franklin? Maybe that’s why you’re so familiar.”

My mouth opens to say something, probably a lie. That I’m Ben. That I was in his class. Instead, I take a risk and go for the truth. “My brother does.”

“Ah. That must explain it. Do you look alike?”

My lips twitch. “A little bit.” I laugh, but he misses the joke. I go to clarify when he cuts me off.

“Maybe he’s in one of my classes.”

I shrug like I don’t know.

“What are you doing out here? It’s freezing.”

I cock my head at him.

“Oh, right. You’re a hockey coach. You probably think this is hot.” He pulls his jacket tighter around him.

“Something like that. What are you doing out here if it’s too cold for you? Let me guess, Cali boy born and raised?”

“Yup, and to answer, I’m on my way home and thought it was such a nice night out that I’d walk home along the beach. I regret all my life choices.”

“I’m out here because my brother brought his boyfriend home, and they told me to get out so they could have sex. I regret all my brother’s life choices.”

Professor Brooks frowns. “They couldn’t go into a bedroom?”

“Ah, that’s where it’s kind of my fault. We share a bedroom because I got kicked out of San Diego State, and⁠—”

“You got kicked out? How?”

I wear a small smile. “Probably shouldn’t have said that to a professor.”

“You know I’m a professor here?”

Oh, fuck. Shit. Cock. Balls. “Didn’t you say that? You said something about my brother being in your class.”

“How do you know I’m not a student?”

“Because my brother’s a junior, and you’re⁠—”

“If you say I’m too old …”

I snort. “No. You seem a lot more together than a junior.” I wave my hand down my body. “Exhibit A. Or, you know … I was a junior. Before I got kicked out.”

“I’m tempted to tough it out in this wind to hear exactly how that happened, but I don’t think I have enough body fat to keep me warm.” He’s probably right about that. He’s tall and slim. He has wide shoulders, but I can’t see if he has any muscle underneath his loose-fitted shirt. “You could come back to my place and tell me.”

My immediate reaction is to say no. No way. But someone to talk to who isn’t related to me or having sex with someone related to me? I do kinda need that. Doing it with Professor Brooks? Worst idea ever.

But I mean … if he knows me as Emmett, as me first, there’s no reason why this would get messy. Ben’s no longer in his class.

I’m no longer pretending to be Ben.

I’m rationalizing this because I’m realizing I really want to say yes.

“Okay, so you’re just blinking at me and probably think I’m a creep. I get it.” Professor Brooks goes to back away, but I reach for his arm to stop him.

“You’re not a creep. That’s actually … yeah. I mean, yes.”

“Are you sure? If it helps, I wasn’t hitting on you, merely offering you a warm place to hang while your brother and his boyfriend go to bone town.”

Maybe I misread his tone. “You’re not gay?”

“Oh, I am. But I’m not assuming you are because your brother is. Statistically⁠—”

“I have six siblings. Five out of the seven of us are queer.”

“I take it back. Let’s go to my place to discuss that and not the school thing.” He pauses. “Actually, no, I want to hear about the school thing too.”

Someone wanting to get to know me? As me? I haven’t had that since I left San Diego State. Six months isn’t a long time, but it has felt like an eternity.

“Lead the way.”