35. Jonah

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

jonah

I pace my apartment,getting more and more frustrated as the minutes tick by. Emmett went home to break the news to Benny and start packing. That quickly, it’s all happening.

Part of me was hoping it was only a bad training session with Fletcher and that this morning he’d say he was going to give it another go, but nope. As soon as he left last night, the whole situation has been like a weight sitting on my chest. I don’t even want to contemplate what it’s going to be like when he leaves for good. But that’s not what’s frustrating me. What’s frustrating me is that Benny is late for his session with me, and he should know that I hate tardiness. I mean, sure, he wasn’t actually in my class, but I’m certain he knows of my reputation for locking students out if they’re late.

I look at my phone again at the time. He’s only ten minutes late. That’s nothing, especially for someone who doesn’t have a sense of time.

Ten minutes is the standard wait time for coffee. Though, Benny doesn’t drink coffee. Maybe he’s bringing me caffeine reinforcements after what I’m assuming was a hard conversation with Emmett this morning.

Oh shit, what if that conversation is still going?

I give the twins leeway because I know that’s going to be difficult for both of them, but when it moves to fifteen minutes and then twenty, I can’t stop myself from calling.

“Yeah?” His voice is rough, like he’s been asleep.

“Are you forgetting something?” I ask.

“What?”

“Tutoring session. With me.”

“Huh?”

Real eloquent, Benny.

“It’s almost eleven. Are you only waking up now?”

“No, no, I’m awake. I’ve been awake since stupid o’clock when my stupid brother woke me up to break my heart.”

“Hey, if anyone’s heart is getting broken here, it’s mine.”

He huffs. “I’m not going to play this Emmett loves me more game with you.”

“Well, duh. You’ll always win that game.”

I can hear his smile as he says, “Good. At least you know your place. But again, why are you calling about a tutoring session that’s not even going to exist soon?”

It’s my turn with the literary genius that is the word “Huh?”

“Well, Emmett’s leaving. He’s the only reason you offered me tutoring in the first place. Ergo, why should I get out of bed and stop wallowing when you’re not going to follow through anyway? I’m surprised you’re not already in Dean Kirwin’s office starting the paperwork on getting me kicked out of school.”

The frustration over him being late bubbles over to downright anger. “Did Emmett say I’d stop tutoring you when he left?” I told him I wouldn’t do that. Numerous times. So why in the fuck⁠—

“No, he was adamant you’d keep your word, but why would you? We tricked you for almost an entire semester, lied to you, and now the only reason you’re giving me a chance is leaving, so⁠—”

Oh, it’s not Emmett I need to be pissed at. It’s Benny.

“First of all, I’m offended you think I’d go back on a promise I made you. Not your brother: you. Secondly, I didn’t offer to tutor you just so Emmett would keep sleeping with me out of some fucked-up sense of guilt. And thirdly, how little do you think of me?”

“If it wasn’t for Emmett, what was it for, then?”

“For you. Because you went through so much during your developmental years that you never got the chance to find a system to deal with your learning disorder. Because you’re a victim of falling through the cracks.”

“Even if I⁠—”

“I mean, granted, had you not been a twin, it would probably have been picked up a lot sooner, but that’s not the point. The point is you went so long without getting the help you really needed to succeed at school, and I would rather see you get the degree you’ve been working hard for than to see you kicked out and having to make up all your math subjects from middle school to college.”

“You’re … doing this … for me?”

He sounds so bewildered, but that pisses me off too. “Having Emmett stay was a side bonus. And okay, maybe when I first offered it, it was so Emmett would have a reason to stay, but after only one session with you, it all became about getting you that passing grade. You’re so close, and it would be a waste to throw it all away now.”

He yawns. “Okay, okay, I’m getting up and heading over.”

“Good. I’ll see you in ten minutes.”

“I have to make a stop first to get my favorite tutor a coffee.”

“Please be talking about me and not Harrison.”

He laughs. “Oh, when it comes to Harrison, I’m more the tutor, if you get what I mean.” The innuendo in his voice is so thick even a child would pick up on it.

“Uh, yeah, don’t need to know that.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

Good. Because I need the distraction from having to say goodbye sometime soon. As soon as Emmett can pack and book a flight to Vermont.

Ugh. This sucks.

I hate this.

I hate that I can’t pack up and go with him. If he asked, maybe I’d find a way. Quit my job, tell Dean Kirwin to find someone else for the remainder of the school year. It would only be for a couple of months.

But then I think about leaving Cullen, my promise to Benny, think of how it will only be a couple of months, and that Emmett has already said he’s going to be too busy to eat, let alone spend time with me. He’s already warned me about it being like that if I go see him over spring break or the summer.

We haven’t exactly talked about doing long distance or whether we’re hitting pause on us, and the thought of him dating and going out in Burlington makes my insides squirm uncomfortably, but I’m not going to think about that. Or bring it up.

Emmett is going after his dream, and I’m not going to stand in his way in any capacity.

Even if saying goodbye sucks.

I haven’t even had a chance to get used to the idea yet. It’s been a whirlwind of him deciding he’s leaving, him telling Benny, and then the very next day, he called West, who booked his flight, and now here we are, a measly twenty-four hours later, and he’s all packed up and ready to head to the airport.

I’m not going to be selfish here. I’m not. I’m going to be strong, tell him I’ll call him, text him, internet stalk him, and the only distance between us will be physical. At least on my end.

Who knows, maybe he has an old high school flame he’ll reconnect with, and he’ll end things with me before even spring break rolls around.

I refuse to bring any of that up here though—at his place, with his brother and roommates watching on.

“All ready to go, then?” I ask.

I offered to drop him off because apparently, I like drawing this shit out, but then Benny and Harrison said they’re coming too.

Because saying goodbye isn’t going to be difficult enough, we need to have an audience. Actually, in reality, it will probably be Benny and Emmett who have the audience. This is about them even more than it’s about Em and me.

“Will you judge me if I say I’ve changed my mind and I don’t want to go anymore?” Emmett blinks up at me.

“No, but I will get my hopes up, so don’t say it unless you mean it.”

“I want to mean it. No, I do mean it in the sense that I don’t want to go, but⁠—”

“You have to. I know that.”

Emmett steps closer to me and wraps his arms around my back, holding me to him.

“Ugh,” Ben says behind us. “If this whole trip to the airport thing is going to be one big sob fest of goodbyes, I don’t think I want to be there for that.”

Emmett chuckles against my neck but then sniffs and pulls back, his eyes red and watery. “As if you’re not going to be just as bad. You need me, Benny. Admit it.”

“I need you like I need a hole in the head,” Benny mumbles.

He’s such a liar. Even I can see that.

“Ten bucks says he cries more than I do,” Emmett says.

While I thought that Emmett putting Benny before me could possibly be a deal breaker or would be difficult for me, it’s strangely not. The twins are codependent as fuck, and while I don’t think it’s all that healthy for them, it’s not my place. My place is by Emmett’s side, to be in his corner. I don’t mind making him my number one, even if he could never do the same with me.

It makes sense for Emmett and Ben to be the way they are. Siblings bond through childhood trauma, and fuck knows the twins had enough of that dealing with the loss of their parents and their overachieving siblings.

Under other circumstances, if a partner put their family before me, it would be a problem, but with Emmett, I know Benny is part of the deal. I accept it, the same as Harrison does.

And that’s not to say that Emmett will always be on Benny’s side of things. He made his brother go to the dean to tell the truth about not sleeping with me because it was the right thing to do. Sure, he didn’t tell the complete truth, and it might have taken me a moment to understand why they did what they did, but I know Emmett has my back.

I do wonder how I’ll go being around Benny when Emmett will be so far away. Seeing someone identical to Emmett sitting across from me, it has the potential to have a calming effect or make the longing worse.

“Are we going or what?” Benny breaks into my internal ramble.

Not. We’re not going. Never ever. Emmett is going to stay.

“I guess so,” Emmett says.

“Would you be opposed to me kidnapping you and locking you in my apartment so you can’t leave?” I ask.

“I really hope you’re talking in relation to Vermont,” Felix says from the couch. “Otherwise, that’s called false imprisonment, and it is illegal. Ask me how I know.”

“I don’t think I want to know,” Emmett says.

Exactly what I was thinking. “I meant in a cute, romantic way,” I say.

“So did I,” Felix says.

My gaze meets Emmett’s. “On second thoughts, I’m glad you’re moving away from possibly crazy stalker roommates.”

“There’s only one man I stalk now, thank you very much.” Felix wraps his arm around Marshall.

“Let’s goooooo,” Benny says.

“Benny loves me so much he doesn’t want me to leave either. All this let’s go and are we going and all the other whining he’s doing is to cover that he’s dying on the inside. He can’t live without me.”

“I can live without you drawing this out,” Benny says.

“Fine.” Emmett turns to his roommates. “It’s been quick, but you’re the best roommates I’ve ever had.”

“That makes me think we’re the only roommates he’s ever had,” Marshall says.

“Not true. The dude who burned down our dorm was my other one.”

“Woohoo. We’re one step above arsonist.” Felix fist pumps the air.

Watching him hug his roommates and say goodbye, I’m frozen. Because soon, that will be me saying goodbye to him.

It’s ridiculous how much I’m getting torn up over someone who has lied to me, pretended to be someone else, and I’ve only dated for an extremely short time. It’s possible Emmett is one huge walking red flag and that’s why I’m so attracted to him, but there’s something deeper telling me that if I was willing to risk my job for this man, if I chose Emmett over protecting myself, my heart, and my future … that has to mean something, doesn’t it?

I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else.

So why is Emmett the outlier? What is the deep-seated meaning of us as individuals and as a couple?

It’s not until we’re halfway to the airport that I realize: I love this man. I’m in love with him. I’m so far in love with him that it’s breaking my heart to see him leave.

I know he’s not leaving me. He’s chasing the future that he has always wanted. He put Ben’s needs ahead of his dreams, and I won’t let myself become another person who holds him back.

Ben didn’t do it purposefully, but I know he feels as guilty as I would if I asked Emmett to stay.

So as I park the car in the airport parking lot, I decide to stop making jokes about kidnapping him and not letting him go, and be the supportive boyfriend-type person.

Emmett’s doing the right thing. Staying would be easy. Being with me, coaching hockey—it would be an easy life for him. I’d make sure of it. But he wants hard. He wants a challenge. And he deserves to give it a try.

I wish him all the success in the world. And I mostly mean that. Like ninety-five percent of me wants him to succeed and become a hotshot NHL player who’ll still be interested in me even with a million different people throwing themselves at him because he’s semi-famous and hot and⁠—

Okay, maybe it’s more seventy-five percent wanting him to achieve that, and the other selfish twenty-five percent wants him to fail spectacularly so we have a shot at a future.

Not that we don’t even if he gets all of that.

Ugh. I’m in my fucking head, and I fucking hate it. He hasn’t even left yet, and I’m already picturing a future where he has too much temptation around him.

The next few months are going to be the test. If we can do long distance, or not … if he’s even planning to try long distance.

We’ve promised things to each other—like seeing each other over spring break and the summer—but a definite future isn’t one of them.

He’s already checked in online, so he just has to tag his bags and drop them off at the bag drop area, and it all happens way too quickly.

All that’s left is to walk him to the security checkpoint, and he’ll be gone.

Emmett interlaces his fingers with mine, and I hold on for dear life while trying to mask the doubt on my face.

“Hey,” he says softly and pulls on my hand to get me to stop walking. Only, Ben and Harrison also stop, so Emmett waves them away. “Can we have a second?”

My heart thuds. I think I know what’s coming, and I don’t want to hear it. I force a half-smile. “Wow, ending it before we even reach security, huh?”

Emmett frowns. “Ending it?”

“Us.”

“I-is that what you want?”

“Are you kidding? It’s the last thing I want, but I don’t want you to feel pressured to promise me anything. What if you go home and it’s like one of those Hallmark movies. You run into your old girlfriend or boyfriend and sparks fly and⁠—”

He smiles. “I don’t have an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend at home. Sure, I went out with people in high school, but none of them were serious or anything.”

“What if they’ve had a glow-up? All I’m saying is you shouldn’t be focused on me, not while you’re trying to make hockey work. I’ll be here, not dating like I was when I met you, and I’ll be thinking of you and wanting to be with you, but I refuse to be a weight trying to pull you down. If you meet someone else⁠—”

He steps closer to me, pressing his chest against mine. “Jonah, what did I tell you the first time we hooked up?”

“That you couldn’t give me more than one night?”

He sighs. “The fact you don’t know you’re a ten makes you an eleven. Why in the fuck would I walk away from an eleven?”

“Maybe you’ll meet a twelve.”

Emmett puts his finger against my lips. “I wish I could stay so we could see where this connection could go, but I’m not willing to give up on us yet. I want to put in the work if you do.”

“I really fucking do. I …” Don’t say it. Now’s not the time. Don’t put pressure on him.

“I think I could be in love with you,” Emmett says. “And if I am, and you possibly might feel the same one day, we’ll figure it all out. Whether I end up becoming a full-time coach or I get a shot for the minors or⁠—”

“Or if I don’t sign the papers Kirwin sent me to extend my teaching contract with Franklin next year and move to where you are …”

“Wait, is that an option?” Emmett pulls back, his eyes full of hope, and that’s when I know he really does feel the same way about me that I do about him. “What about Cullen?”

I love my nephew and the rest of my family, but they don’t need me the way I want Emmett to need me. “I’m pretty sure I’m already in love with you, and with you saying the same thing, we need to give this all we’ve got. I’d move now if I didn’t have the school year to finish out and someone’s brother to tutor so he can pass my class. I’ve thought about it though. About moving. I thought it was crazy soon and probably a mistake to bring it up, but I mean⁠—”

“We’re going to make it work. It’s a lot of pressure on a new relationship, but I want to try.” He’s saying everything I wanted to hear, and as amazing as it is, I’m worried we’re setting ourselves up for failure and heartache.

But I’m already in too deep, so it’s either heartache now or later. I choose later. “I want to try too.”

“If you don’t sign your contract with Franklin, Jasper could get you a job at CU or⁠—”

I rub the back of my neck. “I’m actually thinking of becoming a tutor for those who need extra learning tools to help them. I have to look into it more, but it might mean going back to studies, and I could do that anywhere. Vermont or whichever city you’re playing hockey in. I’m not tied to being a professor. I don’t think it’s my dream like hockey is yours.”

“We can make this work,” Emmett says again, only this time, his gaze is determined.”

“We’ll make this work,” I repeat. Now, if only I could believe it.

I’m going to give my all, I know that. I might have doubts, but I also know if I don’t throw everything I have at being with Emmett and doing what I want with life, then I’ve already failed.

If we’re determined, love can get us through anything.

Even hugging him goodbye and standing with his brother as we watch him enter the airport terminal and leave.