34. Emmett

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

emmett

Fletcher hunches over,gloved hands on knees, trying to catch his breath.

I’ve barely started to sweat. I skate a circle around him. “Are you going to throw up?”

“How …” He breathes deeply. “Do your …” Another breath. “Brothers …” He’s gulping down air like someone gulps down a beer bong. “Think you’re not in peak physical condition?”

“Hmm, maybe because you’re in your thirties and anyone could kick your ass?”

He stands upright now. “I am your boss, and you’re not allowed to hit me with the truth like that.”

I laugh. “I mean, you’re very fit and very awesome at all the things you do, but I am, uh, a superhuman?”

“That’s better. Seriously, though, I don’t know how much I can really help you other than making you do suicides in full gear for eight hours. I can get you physically in shape, but when it comes to skills, there’s only so much I can do.”

The thing is, I know he’s right. There’s no way I can stay here and train the way I need to be trained. With Asher’s team making the playoffs and West still coaching until the Frozen Four championship is over with, neither of them can come out here to force the rigorous training regime I’m going to need. Not to mention pulling them away from their lives and their partners.

I’m happy here, and I’m not ready to leave yet.

Okay, so I don’t like the beach, the always warm weather, or that my friend group consists of people who thought I was Ben for so long, but Benny’s here. Jonah’s here. And Jonah and I have a real shot with no secrets between us.

I’m probably holding on too tightly, considering our start was rocky, and I can tell he still doesn’t trust me completely, but there’s something about him that has me rooted in place.

“Can I ask you something?” Fletcher says.

“I dunno, can you? You still look like you’re going to pass out.”

He gestures to head for the railing so he can hold on to something, but as he speaks, I wish he’d rather pass out. “Why are you still here?”

“I love you too, boss.”

He smiles. “That’s not what I mean. You’re the best coach I have on staff, and I don’t want to see you go, but I’ve had many guys come through this place who haven’t had half as much talent as you do, and they’ve gone on to do big things. I don’t want to hold you back. But that’s exactly what I’m doing. Or, more specifically, you’re holding yourself back by staying in California.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything is great, and I can focus on proper reconditioning over the summer. It’s great. Really great. My plan is flawless and⁠—”

“Let me guess. Great?”

“Yup. Great.”

“Maybe say it one more time, and I’ll believe you.”

I slump and lean against the railing. “There’s this guy.”

Fletcher laughs. “Now it all makes sense. It’s Cullen’s uncle, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

“Remind me again, why did you stop playing hockey to begin with?”

“Because the media⁠—”

“Nope. The real reason, because the way you are about this sport, your talent, your pedigree⁠—”

“That’s what I was about to say. The media had way too much attention on Benny and me, they put so much pressure on us that we couldn’t handle it.”

“And what makes you think they will be any less invasive with only you? You won’t have your twin to take part of the brunt of it.”

“Well, one, I’m not announcing that I’m going to try to get back into the game until I’m sure I could possibly make it, and two, they won’t be less invasive, but I always had thicker skin when it came to that kind of thing. Benny wanted to quit, and I was nearing that point anyway, so⁠—”

“So you gave up your opportunity to make it to the big show because your brother wanted you to.”

“Nope.” I don’t blame Benny, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to either. “I was willing to quit, but … I think my motivations had more to do with me wanting to make a point to the media than actually wanting to say goodbye to the sport. The motivation to leave was there, but I guess Benny was that extra push.”

“And now you’re holding yourself back because you like a boy.”

“You’re holding yourself back because you like a boy!” It’s not the smartest of comebacks, but it does lighten the mood.

“You don’t want to become wasted potential. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself as a thirty-something-year-old who can’t catch his breath after some hotshot young dude shows you up on your own damn ice.”

He’s not saying anything I don’t already know. But the thing is, I’ve been good at ignoring those thoughts up until now.

I don’t want to leave California yet, but if I don’t do it now, will I ever?

What happens if Jonah tells me he loves me? What happens if I admit to myself the reason I haven’t already packed up and left is because I’m in love with him?

If I do move and I ask him to come with me, would he even consider it? He has Cullen here. Responsibilities. I can’t ask him to give that up.

I can already hear Fletcher’s reply if I were to say that out loud. “But you’d give up hockey for him?”

I hate that I have to think about this stuff. I’d much rather stick my head in the sand like I’ve been doing ever since I agreed with Benny to quit hockey.

“What’s really holding you back?” Fletcher asks. “It can’t only be about the guy.”

That’s the other thing I’ve been avoiding. I don’t want to acknowledge that maybe I don’t have what it takes anymore. “What if I’m already wasted potential? What if I try to make this great comeback and I can’t even make the minor leagues?

“You’re never going to find out unless you give it a proper try, and you’re not doing that here.”

Fuck. I’m going to have to leave.

Leave California.

Leave Jonah.

But worst of all, leave Benny.

For the first time in our lives, we won’t be living a maximum of twenty minutes away.

For the first time in our lives, we won’t have each other to fall back on.

No contingency plan.

We get to be our true selves.

It’s everything I’ve wanted since leaving for college but something I’ve never been able to achieve.

Fletcher’s right. If I’m going to do this, I need to put everything else aside and only focus on hockey, on my future, and what I want.

I need to sort out my priorities, and I need to be at the top of that list.

Of course, prioritizing myself also includes stripping down naked as soon as I walk through Jonah’s front door and leading him to his bed, but now that we’re coming down from another amazing high and I have my head in the nook of his shoulder, prioritizing my future is back at the forefront of my mind.

I’ve never been able to put myself first before. Other than with the Jonah situation. That was putting my wants above anyone else’s, including Jonah’s. But that was selfish. This is … this is my future, and it’s the one thing I think I should be allowed to be selfish about. I’ve never known how to do that when it comes to Benny. Or Jonah, really. Not after everything he’s done for me and Ben.

He’s putting his whole career on the line for us, and now I’m contemplating turning around and moving across the country anyway? I’ll be the biggest asshole on the planet if I did that.

Though, let’s face it, I’ve been gunning for that position ever since I got kicked out of college and forced myself into Franklin U’s own little world as someone else.

Jonah runs his fingertips over my arm, from my shoulder down to my elbow and back up again. It sends shivers down my spine and silences my mouth from saying what I need to say.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks.

“Brain cum dumb. I’m not thinking about anything.”

“Well, that’s a lie.”

I pull back. “What?”

“You’re here, but you’re not really here, if you know what I mean.”

Ugh. He’s right.

I snuggle back into him. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Talk to me about it.”

“I can’t,” I say into his chest.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

It might be subtle, but I feel it. His whole body goes rigid, like he’s pissed or … fuck, thinks I’m being deceitful again.

“Wait.” I shift back so I can see his face, but there’s no way I’m letting go of him. “The only reason I don’t want to is because I realized something about hockey today, and I worry it’s going to come between us. The only thing that should come between us is our dicks. Literally. Now I’m rambling because I don’t want to lose you, and⁠—”

Jonah cups my face. “Hey, hey. Take a breath. Did something happen at practice today with Fletcher? What’s going on?”

I take a deep breath. “Fletcher can’t keep up with me. He was excited to help, but the more we get into it, the more we realize he’s not at the level he should be at to coach those wanting to go pro. He’s more kids and young teenager equipped. So unless I call West and ask him to pay for an extremely expensive private coach …”

“You’re going to have to move home to be closer to West.”

“I can’t push myself here like I would there.”

The stiffness leaves Jonah’s body, but it remains on his face. It looks like it physically hurts when he says, “Well, you have to leave, then. There’s no question about that.”

And now we’re both filled with that same overthinking tension he called me out on, but there isn’t anything I can say to make this better.

The worst part is I still have to tell Benny.

If I thought this with Jonah was difficult, I don’t even want to go talk to my brother.

“When will you leave?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet.” I refrain from saying “As soon as possible,” which it will be once I tell Benny and call West.

But for now, I’m going to stay in Jonah’s arms a little longer.

We may be quiet, but neither of us falls asleep. I’m too worried about how Benny will react, and that worry is either so loud in the dead silence that Jonah’s picking up on it, or maybe he’s processing that I have to leave.

Either way, we continue to hold each other until it becomes uncomfortable, and then I roll onto my other side so he’s spooning me. I love being the little spoon. Being wrapped in Jonah’s arms, I never want to leave. And when he starts peppering my shoulder with soft kisses, I think this might be part of an evil plan to get me to stay. It’s tempting to push back and rub my ass against his cock, even though I don’t think I’ll be able to get it up again, but when a shuddery breath hits my neck, I realize he’s not trying for a sexy moment. He’s trying not to show that he’s upset.

“Jonah?” I look back at him over my shoulder, at his glassy eyes.

“Can I be the little spoon for a while?” he croaks.

My heart melts. “Anytime you want.”

He winces at whatever thought enters his head in that moment and rolls over.

He doesn’t need to tell me what that depressing thought was because I already know. He can’t be the little spoon anytime he wants if I’m not going to be here.

Yeah, I’m not getting to sleep anytime soon. “We skipped dinner,” I say.

“Not my fault someone came over and got immediately undressed.”

I smile into the back of his neck. “Some could argue it was your fault for being so damn sexy.”

“Are you hungry? I can make you something.” Jonah tries to escape my hold, but I stay firm.

“Let’s order something so we can stay like this until food comes.” The only time I pull away from him is so we can order food, and then we’re right back to that same position, with me at his back, making him feel safe and reminding him that I’m still here. For now.

It’s midnight by the time food comes, twelve thirty when we finish eating, and 2:00 a.m. when we’ve both come again.

He’s making it really difficult to want to go talk to Benny. Before all of this happened, if I’d told my brother I planned to move across the country and he asked me to stay, I probably would. But things are different now, and I know that if I tell him I need to be at home to pursue this hockey thing seriously, Benny won’t let me stay.

Once I tell him, it’s real.

“I could stay,” I say to Jonah as we climb back into bed. “I could push myself harder without Fletcher’s help. I could focus on weight training instead of hockey and then focus on hockey come summer. I could⁠—”

“You’re leaving,” he says firmly.

“What?”

“Like you said before, your brain is cum dumb right now, and you’re doubting yourself, but you shouldn’t. I don’t want to be the reason you don’t chase your dream.”

“Ugh.”

He laughs. “I give you what you want, and your response is ‘Ugh’?”

“That ugh wasn’t for you. It was for having to break the news to Benny.”

“That’s the real reason you roped me into round two, wasn’t it? You’re putting off telling your brother.”

I nod. “The only reason. It wasn’t at all that I realize I want to spend what little time we have left naked and coming all over each other.”

“You make it sound so romantic.”

“The romantic-est.”

“Are you going to be able to sleep, or do you need to go tell your brother?”

I’ve put it off long enough. “I need to go.”

He shoves me. “In that case, off you go.”

As soon as I’m out of bed and throwing on my clothes, Jonah starfishes in the middle of the bed.

I gasp. “You’re only kicking me out so you can hog the whole bed.”

“Duh.” He sits up. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Every day until I leave. I promise.”

Though, I don’t think that will be many days at all. I have nothing tying me here other than people. I could use the excuse that I should give Fletcher two weeks’ notice so he can find a replacement, but Scarlett can cover my classes until that happens, and Fletcher has already told me to leave, so he’s not going to hold me here.

I kiss Jonah goodbye and make the walk to the DIK frat house. If he’s not there, he’ll be at my place with Harrison, and the DIK house is kind of on the way.

But as I reach Benny’s window, I see the sleeping lump that is my brother. I try the window, but it’s locked, so I tap on the glass.

He doesn’t stir.

I know I’m allowed to use the door now, but there’s something final about ending this the way it’s been for the last three years. Whenever I’ve needed or wanted a place to crash, I would do this. When I got kicked out of school and moved in permanently, this window was my door in and out of the house.

This is us. Me and Benny.

I knock again and say, “Wake up, fuckface,” and even that is us too.

He throws up his middle finger but covers his head with his pillow. I laugh because he can ignore me all he wants, but I’m not going to stop.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, I continuously knock. This is new. Because it doesn’t matter who sees me coming and going anymore—though they might get mad because I’m not supposed to sleep over here—I can be as loud as I want. And seeing as I’m going to be dragging Benny out anyway, I won’t be sleeping over.

Finally, he gets up and unlatches the window, pushing it up but resting on it so I can’t come in. “What the fuck is wrong with you? It’s the middle of the night.” He quickly snaps out of tired, grumpy mode and turns to overprotective brother with a snap. “Wait, did Jonah hurt you? Break up with you? Whatever he did, I’ll kill him.” He yawns. “But in the morning, okay?”

“Wanna go to that sketchy twenty-four-hour diner in between here and San Diego State so we can drink milkshakes and talk?”

We used to do that a lot in the beginning but haven’t done it since freshman year. We were both so worried about being found out that in the dead of night we’d each sneak away to meet up so we could get our stories straight and update each other on things we needed to know around each other’s campuses.

“Fuck.” Benny’s eyes soften now. “Did someone die?”

“No, but I’m worried someone might be about to. That someone being me.”

His face falls. “You’re moving back to Vermont, aren’t you?”

“That was always the plan,” I remind him.

“But … you’re leaving now instead of end of the school year.”

Of course I didn’t need to actually tell him. He can read me like no other and vice versa.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

He forces a smile. “Don’t be. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

“So do you.” I avert my gaze. “It’ll be the first time we’ve ever lived apart. Not just a town away, but with an entire country between us.”

“I know.” He hangs his head.

“We can do it though,” I say, even though I don’t believe it myself.

He can see right past that too. “We can, and we will. But not before we go and get shakes at Betty’s diner.”

“It’s still not called that,” I say. “No matter how many times you put it in their suggestion box.”

“You’re a suggestion box” is his smart retort. “I’m just saying, they should have a different name other than Diner, and the overnight waitress totally looks like a Betty.”

“Because she’s in her fifties but looks like she’s in her eighties and sounds like she’s smoked a pack of cigarettes every day of her life? On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t go back there after you said that to her face last time.”

Benny laughs his head off. “Is that why we stopped going?”

“No. We stopped going because we finally got our place-switching down to an art, and we didn’t need to meet up that much anymore.”

“Even though we didn’t need to, I knew you’d always be there if I asked.”

“Ditto. And I’m asking. We need to do it one last time.”

Benny pauses before agreeing. “One last time.”

And just like that, everything becomes cement.

My plans, my heart, my everything outside of hockey.

I’m doing this now.