Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Rhodes

S he was the last person I expected to see when I came up to the lookout.

Our lookout.

It had been our place when we were together, and since getting out of the Army and coming back home, it had become my sanctuary. It was where I went when I needed to think, when I needed a break from the real world. I came here today because I knew Lincoln was going to tell Blythe about what he found, and it was the only place I could think to come to ease the ache in my chest at the thought of how that news was going to destroy her.

Knowing what was about to happen, and that there was nothing I could do to make it any better for her, left me feeling helpless, an emotion I didn’t handle well. I’d been helpless when it came to stopping my parents from bailing on us. Helpless whenever anything in that piece-of-shit trailer we’d grown up in broke down on us. Helpless to stop my own sister from having to take her clothes off and dance for money to make sure she kept a roof over our heads.

I’d felt helpless in school when the kids would make fun of us for being poor trailer trash, and that helplessness had led to destruction. Once I was big enough to hold my own, I’d gotten into my fair share of fights with the assholes who insulted any member of my family or made disgusting comments about Gypsy being a stripper. I’d gotten really good at fighting back then, and even better at not getting caught. It helped that the jackasses I beat the shit out of didn’t want to admit they’d gotten their asses handed to them by the poor kid from the wrong side of the tracks.

I didn’t want my big sister to know I’d been fighting. That would have only added more stress on top of everything else she had to carry. The only person who knew was Blythe, and she never said a word. She’d just silently take care of me, disinfecting the cuts or scrapes I received or bandaging my knuckles, all without an ounce of judgement.

That was why I’d fallen in love with her. She had been the only safe place I had to fall back on, and the fact that I couldn’t be there to offer the same thing when she found out the truth tore me up inside.

That was why I’d come to the lookout. I came out here so much that this place was almost as familiar to me as my own home. I spent more nights than I could count up here, falling asleep with my back propped against the very tree I used to rest against while I held Blythe between my legs, the two of us content to stare in silence as the sun dipped behind the jagged peaks of the mountain tops. Being here let me feel like I was still close to her. The memories we’d shared here had seeped into the dirt and rock and taken root, breathing life into the trees and leaves and grass.

She was the very last person I expected to see when I breached the treeline to the clearing fifty yards from the edge of the cliff, but there was a part of me that wasn’t surprised she managed to find her way back here. That same part sparked with hope that the lookout still meant something to her as well. However, that hope shriveled and died with her first agonized scream.

With every sob, every scream, every tear that fell, she cut away a piece of my heart I knew I would never get back. Her pain became my own, the pressure in my chest so heavy it was nearly unbearable. I stood there until I couldn’t take it for another second.

I probably should have left her alone, turned around and left the way I came, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand by and watch her suffer alone like that.

The twig snapping beneath my boot might as well have been a shotgun blast.

She spun around, her turquoise eyes red and shimmering with unshed tears. “Of course!” she shouted in frustration, tipping her head back to the sky. “Of course you’re here right now. How is it you always pop up when I’m at my very worst, huh? Did I do something evil in a past life? Was I an auditor for the IRS or something?”

I opened my mouth to respond, but before I could get a word out, her face pinched up all over again and she went down to her knees on the unforgiving ground as sobs wracked her body. I couldn’t stand there and watch any longer. Seeing her like that fucking killed me.

I moved before my brain could fully register what was happening. One second I was watching from a distance and the next I was dropping down beside her, wrapping her in my arms, and pulling her into my lap in a desperate attempt to absorb some of the torment she was feeling. I would have given anything to take it all away, to carry that burden on my own so she didn’t have to. I’d hated Elliott from the moment Sunny told me Blythe met someone in college she’d gotten serious about. I never met the man, but I hated him for the simple fact that he had the woman I wanted with every fiber of my being.

It wasn’t his fault. I’d been the one to throw everything we were away. But I still hated him for being the one to put her pieces back together. I’d been in the middle of the desert a world away when I found out he’d proposed and she’d said yes, and when the day of their wedding rolled around, a few buddies from my unit took me out to get wasted. Those had been the worst days of my life, and on top of blaming myself for losing her, I also blamed the man who now had her.

However, as Blythe’s tears soaked through my shirt and her back heaved beneath my hands, I couldn’t help but wish I could bring that piece of shit back to life so I could kill him all over again.

All these years, I’d managed to take the smallest amount of comfort in the fact that at least Blythe had someone who loved her and took care of her. Someone to give her all the things I never felt I was good enough to give her myself. To find out that had all been a lie was a serious blow, so I couldn’t imagine how it felt for her.

I lost track of how long we sat there, me offering silent comfort and her taking it, but by the time her sobs had tapered off into sniffles, the sun was lower in the sky, the very bottom of it kissing the tops of the mountains as it began its descent.

“You knew.” Her voice was ragged and throaty, like she’d been gargling gravel.

It wasn’t a question, so I didn’t bother lying. “I did.”

She pulled back, wiping at her swollen eyes, and as hard as it was, I forced myself to let her go. The sense of loss as she slid off my lap was so profound it stole the breath from my lungs. I wanted to reach out and pull her back, but I didn’t have the right to. Instead, I rose to my feet at the same time she did and shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans as she moved closer to the cliff’s edge and stared at the gorgeous view.

“But you sent Linc to tell me anyway.”

“I didn’t think you would want to hear it from me.”

Her back expanded on a deep inhale. “You were right.” The words were barely more than a whisper caught on the breeze and carried to me. “This is bad enough. The humiliation...” She dropped her head, giving it a shake.

“Hey, stop that,” I clipped, unable to maintain the distance between us. Moving beside her, I tucked my finger beneath her chin and lifted her face to mine. The way her eyes glistened and her chin trembled hurt worse than any hit I’d ever taken. And I had taken some serious fucking hits in my life. “You have nothing to be humiliated about, you hear me? Nothing .”

A tiny whimper crept past her lips as a single tear welled and slipped down her cheek. “I don’t understand,” she said quietly, sadness winding and knotting around her words. “Why has every man I’ve ever loved hurt me? What is so wrong with me that I can’t just be loved back?” She blinked and dealt the death blow with one last question. “Why am I not good enough?”

I’d done some shitty things in my life. Things I wasn’t proud of, things that left me disappointed and mad at myself. But for the first time in my life, I well and truly hated myself. Because I had a hand in making her feel that way.

Unworthy of being loved.

Undeserving.

I’d felt that way more times than I could count. It was easy to believe when your own parents didn’t love you enough to stick around. But making Blythe feel that? I would never forgive myself.

She was the one person on this planet I knew deserved nothing but good days and happiness.

“Angel, you’re breaking my fuckin’ heart.” My throat tightened as I stretched my fingers out and pressed my palm to the side of her neck, caressing her silky skin gently. “There isn’t a single thing wrong with you. You are perfect.” I stepped closer, bringing my other hand up to brush her wild hair back from her eyes and cup her cheek.

“Then why?” she rasped as a wave of silent tears started to fall.

I knew what she was asking. She wasn’t asking me why her father had chosen drugs and crime over her. She wasn’t asking why her husband had betrayed the vows he’d taken. She didn’t want me to tell her why those men hurt her. She was asking why I had.

“Because I was the one who was broken, Angel. It was me who didn’t deserve you. I knew from the moment you gave me your heart I wasn’t good enough.” I squeezed my eyes closed and lowered my head, resting my forehead against hers. Her small hands came up and pressed against my chest, burning my skin like a brand. It was a searing pain that somehow felt overwhelming and incredible at the same time, and I would have gladly felt that way every single day of my life if it meant staying connected with her. “You were all that was good in the world. You were light and beauty and happiness.”

Her fingers curled, her nails scraping across my pecs as she fisted the fabric of my shirt.

“You are more than good enough. You’re more than deserving of love, and I know that because I’ve never stopped. Even after I broke us, I never stopped loving you. Not for a single second of a single minute in a single day.”

She pulled in a gasping breath, her head tilting back so her eyes could meet mine. Those Caribbean blue depths were full of shock and confusion. It probably wasn’t the right time to tell her that after everything she’d already been through today—or hell, the past several months—but I couldn’t go another second with her thinking she wasn’t worthy of love. She had to know she was special. She was worth waiting an eternity for.

“Rhodes,” she whispered. My name on those lips was a blessing and a curse all at once. The way she was looking up at me made me feel like the most important person in the world. I felt that undeniable tug grow stronger, giving me no choice but to get closer to her. It wasn’t a want, it was a need—like oxygen or water. Blythe was essential to living. That was why I’d only led half an existence since letting her go.

More and more of the distance between us disappeared as my eyes dropped to her lips. That plump bottom lip called to me, begging to be nipped and licked. “Angel.”

She blinked, and I saw the instant the bubble around us burst right before she took a step back from me. For the shortest moment, her guard had fallen, but as I watched, she re-erected those protective walls of hers and coated them in the same shit Captain America’s shield was made of.

“I—I have to go.”

I stood rooted to the ground as I watched her disappear into the trees, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that watching her walk away from me was something I would never get used to.