12. Heidi

The weight on my shoulders is lighter after my confession. Trick doesn’t push me, but he watches me when he thinks I’m not looking. I know he’s worried, but all I feel is relief. As the anniversary of my miscarriage approaches, I don’t have to pretend to be okay. I can wear my grief openly, and him giving me space to do that has allowed me to deal with the pain in a healthier way.

“Heidi!”

Trick’s yell shatters my thoughts as my heart leaps into my throat.

I drop the tea towel onto the kitchen counter, almost dropping the plate I’m drying as I rush into the living room.

I’m not sure what I expect to find—blood, body fluids—but he’s sitting on the sofa, grinning. Everything looks fine until I notice Sophia. She’s standing, using the edge of the sofa to stabilise herself, and she takes a few tentative steps towards Trick.

My mouth parts. “She’s walking?”

He nods, and the pride on his face is fucking beautiful to see.

She’s growing so fast, it scares me how much time is flying by. Only five minutes ago, she was a tiny helpless infant. Now, she’s mobile.

“She’s gonna be running before we know it.” The pride that crosses his face makes my chest bloom with warmth.

As always, my thoughts drift to my child. I never saw her walk or talk. I never saw her face or heard her cry. My grief is still a heavy weight in my chest, but it isn’t as sharp as it was. It’s like acknowledging my trauma is helping to heal it.

The doorbell rings. “Are you expecting someone?” I ask as Trick gets up to answer it.

His eyes sparkle with mischief. “Stay with Soph. I won’t be a second. And keep her walking.”

He brushes past me, and as he does, his hand skims over my hip and my heart flutters when he glances back at me as if he truly sees me.

Beaming, I sit down and watch Sophia take a few more unsteady steps. I can’t believe she’s walking.

Trick re-enters a moment later with Pia. She looks amazing, her hair pulled into a high pony and her makeup perfect. Her tight black jeans and spaghetti strap top coupled with a studded belt and high-heeled boots make her look every inch the old lady she is.

“What’s going on?”

“We’re going out,” Trick says, grabbing his kutte off the back of the sofa and shrugging into it. “Pia’s gonna sit with Sophia,” he adds before I can open my mouth to protest.

If Pia’s here, I can guarantee there’s at least two prospects sitting in the street. Howler doesn’t let her go anywhere without protection, so she’ll be safe, but I don’t like to leave Sophia.

“Where are we going that we can’t just take her with us?”

Trick scrubs a hand over his beard. His bruises from his beatdown have all but faded in the weeks since then, though he has one greenish-brown mark just under his chin that I constantly want to wash off his face. “She’ll be fine with Pia,” he assures me. “Howler’ll be around in an hour as well.”

“I know she’ll be fine,” I say, trying to make him understand without offending Pia, “but we don’t need a babysitter.”

Trick stares at me for a beat before he says to Pia, “We’ll be back soon.”

“Don’t rush,” she says, sinking onto the couch I just vacated and reaching for Sophia.

I open my mouth to argue, but Trick grabs my wrist and pulls me out into the hallway. I try to dig my heels in, but the man is strong.

“What’s going on?” I demand as he lifts my jacket off one of the hooks near the door.

“Turn,” he orders, ignoring me.

I don’t move, folding my arms over my chest. “Why are we leaving Sophia here?”

He blows out a frustrated breath. “Because this is something we need to do without her.”

What does that mean?“What are we doing?”

“Just put your fucking coat on,” he says, exasperated.

I huff a breath before snatching my jacket and shrugging into it. He grabs his keys and wallet from the bowl on top of the console table and all but drags me out of the house.

I expect him to go to the car, but he walks us over to his bike, where two helmets are secured to the lock on the back.

I stare at them for a moment before lifting my gaze to his. He unhooks the smaller one and offers it to me. I don’t reach for it, holding my hands behind my back like it may burn me. “We’re taking your bike?”

“I don’t like cages, Heidi,” he says, as if it explains everything.

“I’m not riding behind you,” I say, shoving the helmet into his chest.

“Why not?”

“You know why. That’s… that’s not my seat.”

His tongue darts out, wetting his bottom lip in a move that should be illegal. It stirs something carnal within me, and I want to pull his lip between my teeth and?—

“Put the fucking helmet on.” His clipped words break through my fantasy.

I shake my head. This isn’t right. “No. I can’t.”

He leans into me, his aftershave filling my nose. “Don’t make me tie you to the back of it.”

I’m pretty sure he would do that, but it’s the fact he’s smiling that has me snatching the helmet from him. It’s so rare to see him happy about anything other than Sophia, but I’m starting to notice he’s smiling more lately.

I pull it onto my head, securing it in place while he does the same and gets on his bike.

Even though it’s been an age since I was last on a bike, I climb behind him without any hesitation and position myself comfortably, my boots resting on the pillions before I place my hands on his shoulders.

I’d forgotten how intimate riding behind someone is, but there’s barely a gap between my chest and his back. My mouth dries as my inner thighs press against his outer thighs. Oh, boy.

“You good?” he asks over his shoulder.

“Yeah,” I lie.

The bike rumbles to life beneath us and that familiar surge of power has me grinning. When he hits the throttle, the bike lunges forward and everything in my brain fades away to nothing.

All I focus on is the wind and the traffic moving around us. I hold on tight to Trick’s shoulders until the speed we’re moving at forces my hands around his waist. I cling to him as he weaves through the cars and hits the open road, picking up speed.

I’m so focused on enjoying the ride that I don’t realise where we are until he takes the turnoff for the cemetery. All that joy and happiness fades in an instant, and every inch of my body is wired as he pulls through the iron gates. My heart thuds as he slows the bike to turn onto the long driveway that leads to the graves.

By the time he stops in the small parking area at the top of the cemetery, my composure is completely shattered. I don’t want to be here. I wait while he kicks down the stand after cutting the engine, and when I don’t climb off, his hand pats my thigh, searing my skin through my jeans.

I quickly get off and undo my helmet, finger combing my hair as I wait for him to dismount and clip his helmet to the bike.

“Why are we here?” I demand, glancing around the gravesites.

He takes my helmet from me, securing it to the back of the bike before he holds out a hand.

What the fuck is going on?

Despite my misgivings, I slide my palm into his, and he guides us down the hill, away from where Theo’s grave is. Mara’s is off to the left, but he doesn’t go that way either.

Instead, he leads me to the bottom of the site. I see the balloons before we get close, and when he stops in front of a headstone, I’m drowning in my confusion.

There are candles, flowers, and pink and blue confetti across the tiny site. The stone has an engraving of a sun on it.

“I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“You lost your baby, Heidi, and you never got to mourn her. I wanted you to have somewhere you could come and talk to her or light a candle—whatever you wanna do.”

My throat constricts so tightly, I can’t breathe for a moment. Tears clog my eyes as everything around me becomes watery.

“This is for me?”

He nods, suddenly seeming a little anxious as he rubs his nape. It shouldn’t be endearing, but it is, because I know how much he thought about this before doing it.

“I… uh… I wanted to show you that your baby mattered, but maybe this wasn’t the way?—”

I don’t let him finish. I hug him so tight I must be breaking his ribs.

His arms come around me, keeping me in place. He holds me like I’m precious glass that he fears damaging, and I feel safe in his embrace, invincible, like nothing can touch me, even the rollercoaster of emotions I’m experiencing.

“Thank you.”

“You should’ve had this after it happened,” he says into my ear.

Without thinking, I press a kiss to his mouth. It’s a gesture born out of my gratitude and overwhelming love, and I realise a moment too late that I shouldn’t have done it. I try to pull away, but his hand wraps around my nape, holding me in place as he kisses me back.

My toes curl in my boots as his tongue slides over mine. The way my body lights up is dizzying, and I grip his biceps to steady myself as I roll back onto my toes to deepen the kiss.

It shouldn’t feel right, but it does. He is the glue that’s sticking all my broken parts back together, just as I do for him.

Lost in the sensations working through me, I need more while simultaneously grateful for what he’s giving me. I’m no longer surviving but living, and it’s all because of Trick and Sophia.

When we break apart, we’re both breathless, and his eyes are heated as he takes me in. I lean into his touch as he brushes my hair off my face. I don’t want this moment to end.

“Take your time. I’ll wait over there.”

He lets go, his gaze locked on me as he wanders over to a bench close enough to keep an eye on me but far enough to give me some privacy.

I wet my lips with my tongue before I crouch down and run my fingers over the sun on her mini headstone. How did he arrange this so fast? I only told him a few days ago about my loss, but the timing is perfect.

I lift one of the candles to my nose, smelling the vanilla scent. I wish I had something to light it with, but there’s always next time. I place it back in front of the headstone.

Closing my eyes, I wait for the gut-wrenching agony to hit me, but all I feel is a sense of peace. I have a place to come and talk to her. I have somewhere to bring flowers and presents.

For the next few minutes, I arrange the flowers, making the site look pretty, until my legs go numb and I stand. Pressing a kiss to my fingers, I place them on the headstone before I make my way over to Trick. He watches me approach, his arms draped over the back of the bench, his stance relaxed but alert.

We’re on club territory here, but the Pioneers are still a threat, and they don’t play by the rules. I understand him being wary, considering he’s a major target of their anger, but they would have to be stupid to attack us so close to home.

I sink onto the bench next to him, the wind blowing my hair around my face. “You didn’t have to do this,” I say to him, “but thank you.”

“It’s okay?”

“It’s perfect,” I assure him. My gaze gravitates towards Theo’s grave. “I’m tired, Trick.”

His fingers interlace with mine as he follows my line of sight.

“We’ve both lived and breathed our pasts and nothing good comes from it, Heidi. I ruined my life and nearly lost everything. You’ve lost more, and we’ll never forget Mara, Crow, or your baby, but we’re still here, you and me. We have to live our lives.”

He’s right. We do, otherwise all the pain, all the suffering has been for nothing.

I peer out over the cemetery. In all the uncertainties, death is the only guarantee. I don’t want to waste any more time, just wiling away until I end up in a plot like this.

I want to have a fulfilling life. I want to be in love and have more babies. I want to enjoy every moment without that pain following me.

One day, I’ll be reunited with my child, with Theo, and with Mara, but that’s not now.

“You’re right,” I tell him. “We do, and the first step in putting our pasts to rest is you visiting your wife’s grave. You have to face Mara.”

His jaw tightens, the muscles twitching at my words, and his fingers flex in mine. “I can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because… because I’m fuckin’ ashamed.” His head bows. “I left our daughter, Heidi, to go murder fuckers who meant nothing. How am I supposed to stand in front of her with that hanging over me?”

My heart hurts for him. “You said it yourself—we can’t keep living in the past. You need to learn to forgive what you did. Everyone makes mistakes, but you’re here now, and that’s what matters. Visit Mara.” I brace for an argument, and when one doesn’t come, I stand with my hand still in his. “Come on.”

Together, we walk toward her gravesite, and as we approach where she’s laid to rest, his grip on me tightens. I slip my hand free.

“I’ll wait on the bench until you’re done.”

His brows come together. “What do I say?”

“Whatever you want to. Tell her about Sophia. That’s what I do when I visit.”

He doesn’t lift his eyes from her headstone as I walk away, sinking onto the bench. The sky is grey, filled with the promise of rain, and it’s cooler than it’s been in the past week. I pull my jacket farther around my body.

For the first time in a long time, those bands around my lungs are loose enough that I can breathe freely.

The minutes tick by, and I watch his back as he stands in front of his late wife’s grave. This is how we both take the first steps to a future. We can never forget the past, and all three of them will have space in our hearts, but we have to make new spaces, and we have to learn to mend our broken parts.

Eventually, Trick turns from the grave and slowly makes his way back over to the bench. The expression on his face hurts.

“Are you okay?” I ask him.

He scrubs a hand over his beard, and I see the crack in his armour, the vulnerability he’s kept so hidden beneath his fury. I slip my hand into his, letting him know I’m here, but he pulls free immediately.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

He breezes past me, heading for his bike as if he can’t bear to be here a moment longer.

“Trick, wait.” I run to keep up with his long strides, and eventually, he slows to let me catch up with him. “Talk to me.”

He doesn’t seem as if he wants to, and I don’t blame him for that. How long did I hide my feelings?

“I knew she was gone. I’m not stupid, but seeing her in the ground like that…” He breaks off, his face contorting into a disturbed grimace. “It makes me want to bathe in the blood of those fucking cunts.”

I grab his biceps as if I can hold him in place and stop him from doing exactly what he is threatening. “I understand. Believe me, I understand how easy it is to get wrapped up in hate and anger, but you can’t. You have to stay on track for your daughter. She needs you, Trick. I need you too.” The last part comes out a little hesitantly. I’m scared of his reaction, but that fear is unfounded.

The anger bleeds out of his expression as he dips his head towards me. “You need me?”

I had no idea how true that was until this moment. I do need him and Sophia. They are my family, my life. I don’t want to go back to my lonely existence, sitting night after night alone in some tiny little flat, wrapped in my hate and grief.

“I do,” I tell him.

“You shouldn’t have said that, Heidi.”

I frown at him, my heart readying to shatter. “Why?”

“Because now, I’m never letting you go.” His chin rests on my shoulder, his arms tightening around me as he buries his nose in my neck.

I open my mouth to tell him that goes both ways, but a crack reverberates through the air. A slice of pain jolts through my side, forcing a grunt out of me.

Trick pushes me down, his heavy body covering mine with his. I have no idea what’s happening as raised voices yell around us. All I hear is the pounding of my heart in my ears as my brain finally catches up and I realise we’re being shot at.