11. Trick

Waking up is like trying to drag myself out of a bath of syrup. My body feels heavy, and there is a constant ache in my gut that feels both dull and sharp at the same time. It makes me want to draw my knees to my chin just to ease it.

Carefully, I try to open my eyes, but the lids feel sewn together, and every movement of my head sends waves of throbbing agony through my face.

Did I get hit by a fucking tank?

Groaning, I slowly sit up, holding my stomach as breath-stealing pain flares through my body. My plan had seemed like a good one at the time, but regret weighs heavy on me now.

I don’t know if what I did will make a difference, but I have to believe it will. I need this to work.

My vision spins as I cling to the mattress, lowering my head between my shoulders to suck in air. Last night is fuzzy, but I remember Heidi’s furious anger at seeing me hurt. The way she wants to take care of me makes me feel as if my ribs have been torn open to expose that dead lump of meat in my chest—only it’s no longer dead.

It beats again for her, for my daughter, for the life I want to live and the future I want to have.

I never thought I could find that desire to live again.

I also remember our conversation. She admitted she’s hiding something, and while I want to drag it out of her, I know I have to tread lightly here.

But first, I need to piss. My bladder is screaming at me to empty it.

Gritting my teeth through the pain, I get to my feet in slow, measured movements. I’m still wearing my jeans that I had on yesterday, but my attempt to pull on a T-shirt leaves me gasping. I can’t lift my arms high enough to pull it over my head.

Fuck it.

I toss the shirt onto the bed and peer down at my chest. Beneath the inkwork that decorates my skin is an array of bright purple bruises like smeared paint. No wonder breathing hurts.

I’ve never felt so fucking weak. My legs tremble as I straighten, and I take a second to find my feet before I shuffle across the room and onto the landing.

Every step sets off a new pain inside me, but I keep moving, using the wall as an anchor, and by the time I reach the toilet, my knees are shaking.

I don’t attempt to piss standing up, instead sitting like I’m a fucking kid, but it’s a good thing I do. That first release of urine is like glass, and I nearly bend in half trying to escape the pain.

Remember why you did this…

Fuck me. I squeeze my eyes shut as I drain my bladder, sweat running down the back of my nape. It takes me a few minutes after I’m done to find the strength to stand so I can wash my hands.

The walk back isn’t as bad, but I want to sleep. Despite the pain, I find myself in the nursery.

The nightlight provides a low glow as I make my way over to the cot, shuffling like I’m forty years older than I am.

Sophia’s head is turned to the side, her hands raised up to her head as she sleeps peacefully. I’ve never felt more unworthy in my life as I stare down at the sleeping form of my daughter, but I’ve also never felt more determined to create a life for her that’s better than this.

I’m not sure how long I stand there, leaning against the rail of the cot, but when my legs start to fold, I know it’s time to get back into bed.

I make it halfway down the landing before my body gives in. I slide down the wall, everything rolling around me as saliva pools in my mouth.

It’s in this position that Heidi finds me. She steps out of her bedroom, wearing a tiny pair of sleep shorts and a small vest top that does nothing to hide the stiff peaks of her nipples.

I wonder how they would feel in my mouth.

“What are you doing?” she demands, and I slide my gaze up to her face as she drops to her haunches in front of me.

“Needed a piss.”

She scowls. “You didn’t think to ask for help?”

“I didn’t think I needed it.”

The eye roll is so fucking bratty that my cock gives a little twitch in my jeans. “The stubbornness of bikers…”

Grabbing my arm, she pulls it around her shoulders.

“What are you doing?”

Her glare says more than words can. She’s had enough of my shit, and for some reason, that makes me smirk.

“What am I doing?” Her voice is pitched a little higher than usual. “I’m helping you up, that’s what I’m doing. Unless you’d rather stay on the floor for the rest of the day.”

She’s fucking adorable when she’s spitting fire, but there’s no way in fuck I’m letting her help me off the floor. Heidi is a small woman, and I’m not a small guy.

“You’re going to get hurt,” I say even as she continues to manoeuvre under my armpit.

Unless she’s secretly weightlifting in her spare time, she’s going to struggle to lift me.

Blowing her hair out of her face, Heidi stops what she’s doing to fix me with a scowl that would incinerate anyone in the path of it.

“Since I’m the only person you have here, I don’t really see any other choice, Trick.”

Without giving me any further chance to argue, her arm wraps around my back, her shoulder notching under my armpit as she hoists me up.

I don’t want to put too much weight on her, but inevitably, I can’t do shit about it. My legs are not functioning as they should be, and my entire body feels wrung out.

Somehow, she gets me upright, grunting up the weight.

“Are you okay?” she asks from somewhere under my arm.

“Can we just get this over with?” I grind out. I’m going to pass out if I don’t lie down soon.

Her soft hands grip my arms, and she seems so tiny against my huge frame. Those protective urges I have for my daughter are starting to emerge around Heidi too. I want to keep her safe in the same way, protect her from whatever demons she’s battling and any new ones that might come along.

I grit my teeth as we make our way back toward the bedroom. Every step is awkward and has me seeing stars. By the time I reach the bed, sweat is trickling down my back.

I resist the urge to flop onto the mattress like a wet fish, instead letting Heidi lower me down. As soon as my arse hits something solid, my legs are lifted into the bed and covers are pulled around me.

“You missed your calling.”

“Playing nursemaid to a frustrating man is my calling?” Her brow arches. “Lucky me.”

I snort. “You say that like you’re not the most stubborn fucking woman on the planet.”

She stops fussing with the duvet to glare at me. “How am I stubborn?”

“Oh, babe, trust me, you don’t want me to answer that.”

Babe… that little endearment slips out again like it’s the most natural thing for me to call her.

It doesn’t soften her expression. That remains murderous. “No, really, do tell.”

I grab her hand and press a kiss to the inside of her wrist in an attempt to douse the flames dancing in her eyes. The way she relaxes as my lips touch her skin has any doubts that it was the wrong move fading.

“Trick…” She says my name softly, but it vibrates through my chest anyway.

I kiss her there again then release my hold before I do something I can’t take back, but fuck, do I want to.

“Thanks for helping me,” I say.

“You look terrible,” she remarks, eyeing me.

Considering how I feel, I don’t take it personally, but I can’t resist a little light teasing. “You’re such a sweet talker.”

Her cheeks grow pink at my words. “I didn’t mean it like that.” She fluffs my pillows like a regular Florence fucking Nightingale, but I get the impression it’s more so she has something to do other than addressing the growing heat between us.

I snag her wrist as she gets close, and she sucks in a breath through her teeth. I can’t deny I’m enjoying the feeling of being taken care of—it’s been such a long time since anyone did that—but I want to take care of her. I want to get rid of that sadness that seems to be in her eyes all the time. I want to find out what she’s holding back from me and fix it.

“I’m okay. You don’t need to fuss,” I tell her.

“If you think you’re all right, you need your eyes tested,” she sasses.

It’s not attitude. She’s fucking scared.

That realisation doesn’t make me feel good. “You sound worried.”

Heidi snorts, pulling out of my grasp so she can pick up some of the discarded clothes I’d tossed on the floor earlier in the week. “Why would I be worried? You did this to yourself, which I still don’t fucking understand. Why would you let them beat you like this? Fucking men. I swear, there’s not a single brain cell between any one of you.”

“Heidi.” She stops gathering stuff, lifting her head to look at me. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad I’m here too,” she says.

Before I can reply, a shrill cry pierces the air. Sophia. Fuck. I love you, kid, but your timing sucks.

Heidi opens her mouth as if she’s going to say something else but then drops the clothes into my hamper and goes to see to my daughter.

I sink back against the pillows, my gaze locked on the ceiling.

What the fuck am I doing?

Why do I have this need to comfort her, to keep her safe?

I don’t expect her to return, so I’m surprised when she’s standing in the doorway holding a squirming Sophia. I didn’t want my child to see me like this, but she doesn’t seem to notice the extensive bruising on my body.

I track Heidi as she moves over to the bed and positions Sophia next to me. She stands awkwardly at the side of the bed as I gather my daughter into my arms. Sophia grips my beard, and that familiar peace that I’m getting used to washes through me. “I didn’t want her to see me all fucked-up.”

“She won’t understand, and it’s good for you to spend time with her. You guys hang out. I’m going to have a shower and then make breakfast.”

I’m not ready for her to walk away. “Don’t go. Not yet.”

I don’t know if it’s because I look wrecked and pathetic, but she slowly lowers herself onto the edge of the bed. I close my eyes, holding my daughter against me.

“Talk to me.”

“About what?”

“Anything. Just… don’t rush off.”

“Okay. Um… Sophia has a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday.”

I don’t know how long the three of us stay on the bed, but it’s the most at peace I’ve felt in months. I sink into it, enjoying every second that passes. This feels like home, and for a while, home was an abstract concept I didn’t think I’d ever have again.

Eventually, Sophia needs feeding, and I doze once they leave, my head pounding until I’m forced to shut my eyes.

When I wake, it’s dark in the room and there is a pill on the bedside table with a glass of water. A handwritten note tells me to take it.

Heidi doesn’t owe me shit, and yet here she is, taking care of me. I swallow down the pill, and it doesn’t take long for the effects of the drug to drag me back into sleep.

The next few days pass in this blur, with Heidi nursing me back to health while taking care of Sophia.

I last five days in bed before I begin to lose the will to live. I need to get up and get moving. The bruises are still ugly, but the pain is not as severe, and I’m able to stand for longer on my trips to the bathroom.

I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, catching my breath, when there’s a knock on the door. A moment later, Heidi breezes in with a tray of food for me. It’s a full English breakfast—toast, sausages, eggs, bacon, and all the side trimmings. It smells fucking divine.

“A guy could get used to this kind of service,” I joke.

She makes a low sound in the back of her throat. “I wouldn’t. As soon as you’re fighting fit, you’re on your own.”

I’m pretty sure she’s talking about taking care of me, but there is a part of me that thinks this might relate more broadly to our situation. I really don’t want her to leave.

“I’m grateful, and not just for breakfast,” I say.

“You don’t have to keep thanking me. I took care of Sophia because it was the right thing to do.” She places the tray on the bedside table, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I was angry with you. I won’t lie, I wanted to fucking strangle you for leaving, but I kept remembering the good old days, when we would sit in the clubhouse all together, drinking and having fun.”

A pang of pain spreads through my chest at the memories her words invoke. Everything had seemed easy back then. There was pressure, especially as I rose up the ranks of the club and Mara took on more senior positions in her job, but there were no Pioneers, no line of bodies dragging behind us, and no torment.

“That seems like a lifetime ago,” I mutter.

“Maybe two,” she adds with a small smile that doesn’t seem to reflect in her eyes. “But it can be reality again, Trick. I really am starting to believe it’s possible for things to be good.”

“Things are already good,” I say.

Her lips part slightly, that plump, kissable mouth begging to be taken. “They are?”

“I have you and I have my daughter. There was a time when I thought I was gonna die alone in some shit-stain of a warehouse. I didn’t expect to survive what I was doing, Heidi. So, yeah, wakin’ up in this house every day is fucking good.”

“Right. Yeah, I can see how this would be better.” She winces. “You should eat before it gets cold. I have to check on Sophia. Enjoy your breakfast.”

She flees the room as if the devil is on her heels, and I’m not surprised. Heidi runs from every aspect of her life—from her feelings, from the club, from dealing with her past. It’s a worrying trend, and one I intend to stop.

But first, breakfast.

I dig in, scoffing every morsel. My belly filled with food gives me a newfound strength and resolve. Still moving slowly, I pull on some clean clothes before I head to the bathroom.

Just as I’m about to step inside, Heidi comes up the stairs, presumably to grab my tray. Instantly, she gets that scowl on her face that I’m becoming familiar with.

“What are you doing?” She drops a hand to her hip, looking like a stern schoolteacher.

“I need a shower.”

She stares at me as if I’ve lost my fucking mind.

“What if you pass out?”

“I won’t.”

“Do you know that for certain? This is the first time you’ve been out of bed in days other than to pee.”

I lean against the doorjamb, enjoying this exchange far more than I should. “You’ll be here if anything happens.”

“Right,” she drawls sarcastically. “How do you think I’ll be able to get you off the floor if you fall?”

It’s a fair point, but I’m still not willing to concede on this.

“I need to shower, Heidi. I’m pretty sure I still have dried blood in my hair.”

The effect those words has on her makes me wish I’d kept my silence. Her throat bobs, even as her gaze slides upward to my hairline, and I don’t like the look on her face.

I grab her hand, running my thumb over her skin. “Hey, I’m good. I promise. I just need to wash my hair.”

Her gaze lifts again before coming back to my eyes. “I’ll wash it for you.”

It’s the last thing I expect her to say, so it takes my brain a moment to understand what she means. By that point, she’s already herding me into the bathroom.

I follow her, mostly because I’m interested to see how this will play out, and when she orders me to sit on the edge of the tub, I do as she commands.

She grabs a showerhead attachment from the cupboard and puts it on the sink taps, letting the water run before testing the temperature with her hand.

“You know, if you need help, all you need to do is ask,” she chastises.

“Babe, I’m a grown man. Should be able to wash my own fucking hair.”

She shakes her head, muttering under her breath about the stubbornness of bikers. I should tell her I feel well enough to do this myself, but the words won’t pass my lips. I want her to wash my fucking hair, and I don’t care how much of a dick that makes me.

Heidi grabs the towel off the rail, our gazes locked together as she wraps it around my shoulders. “Are you able to lean forward over the sink?”

I do as she says, gripping the edge of the basin so I don’t pitch too far forward.

She’s only washing my hair, but the moment that spray hits my scalp, every inch of my body is lit up. This feels intimate in a way it shouldn’t.

I wish I could see her face, but my head is tipped down, the warm water trickling down the side of my neck and face.

It’s not the best position to do this in, but she’s careful to make sure she doesn’t waterboard me as she wets my hair.

“Your bruises look worse,” she remarks as her fingers thread over my scalp.

“Wounds always look worse before they heal.”

“Some wounds don’t heal at all,” she says.

“Is that what happened with you?” Staring at the bottom of the sink, it’s the only thing I can see through my dripping hair. I want to see her face, though. I want to gauge what she’s thinking or feeling.

Her fingers freeze for a second before resuming the soothing motion through my strands.

“I guess so.” She squirts shampoo onto the back of my head and slowly massages it into my scalp. The slow circles she makes with each pass of her fingers feels fucking amazing, but I’m not going to let it distract me.

Dripping wet and covered in soap, I lift my head so I can look at her. She quickly redirects the spray, so she doesn’t get me in the face.

“What are you doing? You still have soap in your hair.”

“I want you to talk to me.”

Her eyes narrow. “What do you think we’re doing right now?”

“What happened back then, Heidi?”

I see the ripple of pain work through her before she lowers her gaze, hiding from me. I don’t like that at all. “Nothing.”

Using my finger, I lift her chin until I get her full attention, and I don’t like the look I see in her eyes. It is such a deep-seated, raw pain that it hurts worse than any bruise on my body.

“Heidi.”

Her tongue darts out to wet her bottom lip and I’m suddenly swamped with cold that has nothing to do with the water dripping down my back and chest.

“I can see how hurt you are by whatever it is. I want to help.”

She opens her mouth, as if she’s going to tell me, but then she tosses the showerhead back into the basin and makes a beeline for the door.

I don’t let her run, not this time. I’m tall enough to reach over her and press a hand against the door, pushing it closed before she can open it.

Sandwiched between my chest and the wood, she shrinks into herself in a way I don’t like. Heidi seems so fragile beneath her anger.

“Get out of the fucking way, Trick,” she rasps, her throat raw, and it only heightens my fear. What the fuck happened to her?

“I just want you to talk to me.”

She turns around, peering up at me. Trapped between my arms, she looks more vulnerable than I’ve seen her—even after Theo died.

“Let me out.”

I should. It’s cruel to make her face something she clearly does not want to, but I’m afraid if I let her walk out that door, I’m going to lose my hold on her.

“Please, Heidi, talk to me.”

Her chin wobbles, her eyes brimming with tears. “Losing Theo was hard, but it was nothing compared to…”

“Compared to what?”

She buries her head in her hands and sobs. “Losing my child.”

I’m not sure I’ve heard her right. “Your child?”

“I was pregnant, Trick.” Her hand splays over her stomach as tears flow freely down her cheeks.

Was…

Cold fills my gut.

“When Theo died, I was devastated, but I was so grateful to have a part of him still growing inside me.”

I shove my damp hair back from my face, needing to see her clearly while she opens up. I’ve already gathered this story doesn’t have a happy ending, since there’s no baby, but I need to know what fucking happened—and why she never told anyone.

“I just… I wanted to… I can’t…” Her breath hitches, her chest heaving as she tries to find the words.

I cup her face between my hands, pressing my forehead to hers. Fuck, how did we not know she was going through this shit?

“I’m not gonna say I’m sorry, babe, because those words aren’t enough.”

Her hands come up to cover mine, holding my wrists in place as she sinks into my touch, as if drawing strength from me to continue.

“It was two weeks after his death. It was after the funeral. Terror drove me home, and I started to bleed.”

She’d gone home alone that night, wanting space, and we’d fucking given it to her. That space resulted in her miscarrying alone.

“Fuck,” I mutter, acid coating my tongue.

“I was eleven weeks when he died. Theo didn’t want me to tell anyone before twelve weeks. He thought it was bad luck. Turns out I was cursed anyway. There was so much blood.” She squeezes her eyes shut, her fingers tightening around my wrists. “It wouldn’t stop coming out of me, and I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do, so I called Mara.”

My eyes flare before I can stop them. I had no idea my wife went to Heidi that night. I try to think back. The wake was held in the clubhouse. Mara had gone home early, but I stayed. I drank so much, I passed out on one of the sofas in the common room. When I went home the next morning, Mara wasn’t there, but I assumed she’d gone to work.

She never said a fucking word when I saw her later that night. She took Heidi’s secret to the next life with her.

“My life ended that day, and I blamed everyone for it because I didn’t want to believe it was my fault.”

Fuck. She may as well have cracked my chest open with those words.

“Mothers are supposed to protect their children, and I failed to protect mine.”

She falls apart, letting go of every hint of control she’s pretended to have since that day. My insides twist in knots as I wrap my arms around her and crush her into my chest.

She and I are just two broken pieces of the same puzzle. Both of us are drowning in pain that nobody else can understand. I didn’t lose my child, but I lost my heart and soul the day Mara died. Like Heidi, I’ve had to learn to live with that loss, but I can imagine all too well the horror and pain of saying goodbye to a child. I would not have survived losing my wife and my daughter.

I hug her tighter against me, resting my cheek against her hair. I wish there was something I could say, something to make this better, but there are no words that can heal a heart that has been shattered like this.

“I’m sorry, I’m a total mess. You have enough of your own problems to deal with without me bringing mine.”

She tries to pull away, but I don’t let her. I know somewhere in the back of my mind that if I let her pull away this time, she’ll be lost to me forever, and I won’t allow that to happen.

“I’m so sorry you went through all that. I’m glad at least you had Mara. She was good at that kind of thing.”

“She’s the only reason I survived,” Heidi admits. Her voice hitches, and I hold her even tighter.

“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to.”

“It’s okay. I feel almost relieved to get it out. It’s hard to mourn for someone no one knows existed but me. I didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl, but I always assumed it was a girl. She was my sunshine. I was going to love my baby so fiercely. I was going to give it all the things I never had growing up.”

My insides feel as if they are eviscerating themselves. “You would have been amazing,” I assure her, my words clogging my throat. “You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met, Heidi. I wish you’d told us.”

She lifts her head off my chest to peer up at me. “You can’t tell anyone. This has to stay between us.”

I don’t understand why she wants to keep it a secret, but I respect her choice. “Okay.”

She lets out a hiccupping sob that crushes my heart. I’ve killed men, tortured them in the most horrific ways, but nothing hurts as much as this. Hearing her break down cuts through my soul.

“I swear, I’m not trying to steal Sophia or replace my own baby with her.”

What the fuck?I’ve heard the whispers, of course I have, and I know the concerns the others have had about Heidi’s relationship with my child, but knowing she had that in the back of her head all this time fucking infuriates me. I’m not angry at her, never that, but I am pissed at our club family for making her feel unable to share her grief for fear of what might be said.

I cup the side of her face, forcing her to look at me so she can see how serious I am when I say these next words. Her eyes shine with tears and her lashes are damp as red rings stain her irises.

“I have never thought that, not for a moment, and I don’t give two fucks what anyone else thinks, Heidi. You did an amazing thing, and it’s even more amazing knowing what you went through. I don’t know how you could even bear to be around her after your own loss.”

“I took care of Sophia because I owed it to Mara. She was with me during the worst moment of my life, and I owed her the same. The moment she died and you went away, I knew I had to step up and be a protector for Mara’s daughter.”

I understand why she would think that responsibility fell on her shoulders, but it was never her burden to carry. It was my duty to take care of my child. “You didn’t owe Mara that. She helped you because that’s who she was. It’s why she became a doctor.”

Heidi lowers her gaze, her face creasing as if in pain. “I feel as if I’ve let everyone down. I was awful when I came back. I know I pissed a lot of the brothers off, but I blamed the club for what happened, Trick. That job he went on got him killed and I lost my baby. I know it’s irrational. Even at the time, I knew it was irrational, but I was just so wrapped up in my pain and suffering that I couldn’t see the club in a good way. It felt like everything that happened was because Theo joined the club. If we had regular lives, he would never have been killed and my baby would have lived.”

What the fuck do I say to that?We both understand how the club works and the difficulties it brings into all relationships. Both Crow and I had been lucky that our old ladies were easygoing, but that’s not always the case when women come into our world. Heidi loved that man so much, she would have put up with anything to have him.

For Mara and me, things worked well because she had a demanding job too, so she understood the concept of putting work before everything.

“You didn’t let anyone down. We did. This club, it’s not just about making money and riding. It’s family. Somewhere along the line, we lost sight of that. You should never have been alone dealing with any of this. I’m so fucking sorry you were.”

There are too many secrets, too many things happening behind closed doors, and that can no longer be the case. If we are to survive, we need to do it as a united front.