72. Kassian

Chapter seventy-two

Kassian

I got in from New York late last night, feeling utterly numb as we flew into Philly. I'm unsure of how I even got myself home, but as soon as I did, I crashed.

My body gave out on me, collapsing to my knees the moment I entered the door.

I spent the night like that. Lying in a heap on the floor, unable to get up as the nightmares I lived through flashed through my mind at warped speed. It didn't help that I had gotten an email from Mom's nursing home yesterday morning. I requested regular updates, which they were happy to send. Kat doesn't know about them, which is for the best, but I like to know how she's doing, even if it breaks my heart a little more every time.

A stiff, aching pain radiates through my entire body, but my mind is still numb, trying to catch up to the inevitable pain I'll be in when it fully sinks in.

I stretch, my limbs sore from being crumpled on the floor all night, and the nightmares I endured sit heavily on my chest, threatening to suffocate me. Sitting up is more difficult than it should be, so once I'm in a seated position, I let my head hang heavily in front of my chest, hands planted on the ground, both literally and figuratively trying to ground myself.

My head snaps up at the sound of the elevator doors opening, and a moment later, I hear someone entering the door code before it softly snicks open.

Aiyana's standing in the doorway, her hair in a messy bun on top of her head, dark circles under her crazed eyes. They travel over the room, taking it in and finally landing on me, a mess on the floor. She slams the door shut, dropping her bag and running toward me, falling to the ground in front of me. My arms shoot out to grab her and haul her into my lap before she can hurt herself, and the moment she's in my arms, I fall apart.

She clutches me tightly to her small frame, holding my head to her chest as I release a guttural sob, my whole body convulsing with the weight of the emotions crashing down around me.

This is it. This is the moment it settles in. Every detail of my past coming back to fucking haunt me, crushing me beneath it. The heaviness of it threatens to kill me as my heart pounds erratically against my chest, begging to break free of the prison that is my body.

Memories flood me. My father's booming voice as he belittled my mother, telling her how worthless she was, how much of a mistake their marriage was, and how she could never make anyone happy. My mother's sobs as she begged him not to shoot her, pleaded with him to put the gun down and just let her leave. His crazed responses and the look in his eyes when he turned to see me standing there with a horror-stricken expression across my face before moving jerkily, aiming the gun at my mother's face and pulling the trigger before turning it on himself. I can hear my own sobs as I held my mother, sticking my fingers in her wound to stop the bleeding. The way her body went limp in my lap as I lost her pulse, waiting for someone, anyone, to come help her. Performing CPR on my own mother will go down in history as the worst day of my life.

Memories of Kat's cries when I finally went to find her, covered in our mother's blood but refusing to leave her alone any longer after the paramedics had taken her and someone removed my father's body. Kat looked at me like I was a monster but clung to me as if I were her savior. Though I was neither. I was just a broken boy who had pieces of his future stolen from him.

And then the darkness swept in like a wave crashing along the shore, dragging me off to sea as I drowned in its current.

I wouldn't eat, barely got my schoolwork done, and never ever spoke to anyone, anyone besides Aiyana that is.

Her soothing voice murmurs in my ear, pulling me back to reality and out of the throws of my traumatic past. 1 I can't make out what she's saying, but it doesn't matter. She's here, and that's all that matters.

***

"Shh, shh, it's okay, you're okay," she coos in my ear, still clutching my head to her chest, gently rocking us back and forth as she stays seated in my lap, my fingers digging into her soft skin as I hold her tightly to me. 2

There's no way to know how long we've been sitting here, as I lose myself in my misery, but she never left.

I draw in a long, shaky breath as I loosen my grip on her, pulling my head back from her chest to look up into her gorgeous chocolate eyes. Her eyes are glassy, red, and swollen as they search my face, assessing me and peeling back all my layers in a way no one else ever has.

Aiyana untangles herself from me, working her way into a standing position and extending her hand out, helping me up from the hard floor. I groan from the soreness but can't help turning to her and clutching her cheeks in my palms as I gaze down at her. She looks up at me, meeting my eyes, and my lips come crashing down on hers.

She lets out a startled gasp but quickly recovers, wrapping her arms around my neck and drawing me in closer. Her tongue sweeps across the seam of my lips, begging for entry, and I oblige, more than happy to let her fall into the numbing pleasure I'm silently asking for. 3

Sliding my hands down her face and around to her backside, I grip her firm ass tightly, hauling her up my body and walking her backward up the stairs.

Once at the top, she slides down my body, landing softly on her feet, and I get to work undressing myself. She takes several steps back, undressing and standing in front of the bed, entirely too far from me. Just as I'm about to walk toward her, she says, "Tell me what you need, and I'll do it—anything—just say the words."

Her soft bottom lip juts out, eyes filled with desire, and suddenly, I'm filled with a need to let her absolutely consume me in every sense of the word.

I harden my gaze, gripping my cock and stroking myself as I look her in the eyes and say, "Get on your fucking knees and crawl to me."

Her eyes widen slightly, but Aiyana falls to her knees, keeping her gaze locked on mine as she crawls toward me, never breaking eye contact. When she's finally in front of me, she reaches up to grip the base of my cock, squeezing until a drop of precum beads at the top, and she licks it off. A groan wracks my body, my fingers tangling in the roots of her hair, pressing those soft, warm lips around my length as I make her choke on me.

She sucks deeply, letting me fuck her throat, her body an analgesic to my mind but lighting my body on fire. Sparks of pleasure climb up my spine as she takes every inch of me to the back of her throat, her head bobbing as I urge her on, my balls tightening as my release drives closer. And just as I'm about to come, she grips my ass with her small hands. My cum spurts down her throat, a moan climbing from her lips as she sucks me dry. "You're so damn beautiful when you suck my cock like that, little viper."

Aiyana pulls back, wiping the side of her lips with the back of her hand after my cock bobs out of her mouth, still erect but less so.

"Use me any way you need to, Kas," she tells me, honesty lacing her words, and a pang of guilt seeps into my stomach. Something about the idea of making her feel used in any capacity, even if she's asking for it, makes me feel ill. I brush the thought away, choosing not to dwell on yet another thing that makes me feel like an absolute waste of space.

I lift her off the ground, pulling her body close to mine, and back her onto the bed, my dick hardening against her soft skin. I bury my head in her neck, not even checking if she's ready because I know she is. Gripping the base of my hard cock, I swipe the tip through her wet folds, causing her head to arch back as she lets out a soft cry of pleasure. "You want me buried deep in this pussy, don't you, little viper?" I ask her, my face still buried in her neck, breathing in her rich signature scent, the one I literally fucking dream about being wrapped in on nights when the nightmares threaten to take hold of me.

"God, yes, Kas," she responds, her fingers digging into my hair, holding my face tight to her. I enter her, my body going still with the feeling of her tight pussy clenching down around me. I nip at the skin of her neck and shoulder as I drag my cock through her fucking heavenly cunt. I pull out of her, sliding down her body to bury my face between her legs.

I grip her thighs, tossing them over my shoulders as I rake my nose through her slick heat, pressing the tip against her clit. She cries out, gripping my hair tightly, and as her body coils under me, her fingers pulling tightly on the strands of my hair, I get lost in the taste of her.

I nip on her pussy lips before sucking on her clit. My tongue darts inside her, sweeping inside to draw out a long moan from her.

"Kas, please. It's too much. Just fuck me," she screams.

Slithering up her body, I press kisses along her stomach, making my way up to tug on her nipples before burying myself back inside her.

She bucks against me as I enter, her nails clawing at my back. The feeling of being inside her is intoxicating. It's dulling all the anger and heartache I've been drenched in recently, and when her cunt spasms around me, her head falling back on a loud moan, we come undone together. The release is so strong that I lose myself in it.

The numbness I had felt for just a few moments is being replaced by an agony that clenches down around my heart in an unbearable way, making me never want to feel anything again if it means not having to feel this again. A single tear slips down my cheek, wetting Aiyana's shoulder as the shame I felt for so long threatens to take hold of me.

Aiyana feels the wetness on her shoulder and pulls my head up to look at her. "Kas, you saved her. You're so damn busy saving everyone else that you never stop to save yourself, so someone else has to make you, and it's gonna be me."

I shake my head at her. "Did I save her, Aiya? Did I really? Or did I just selfishly keep her around for her to live out the rest of her life as half the woman she once was?" Anger seeps into my voice, but not at her questioning; it's at myself.

I pull out of her, climbing off the bed to pull on a pair of sweats, and she crawls around, stopping when she finds one of my oversized shirts that hits her below the knees like a dress.

She climbs back in the bed, scooting to the middle and patting the space beside her. I've never been able to deny her anything, so my feet move me toward the bed as if under her spell.

I climb in, lying down against the pillows stacked against the headboard, just how I left them yesterday morning since I never actually made it to bed last night.

Aiyana rolls onto her side, resting a leg over my thighs and perching on her bent elbow to look at me.

"Kas, what you did wasn't selfish. You weren't thinking about what would happen if you had no parents. You were acting on a moment in time, something so many people, let alone teenagers, wouldn't have been able to do in that moment. And she's living a content life in a wonderful facility with a man she loves dearly." She squeezes my hand tightly in hers, and I know what she's saying is true. Kat stopped asking for updates on our mother's care when we were told she had a boyfriend, and the staff sat us down to tell us that the only time she'd get agitated was when we would visit. So we stopped. Kat must've told her all of that, though, because I never wanted to bother her with it.

"Hey, Kas," she says, peering up at me through thick lashes. "Where'd you go?" She references the place my mind had just taken me. When I don't answer, she asks, "When was the last time you had a meeting with your therapist?"

I'm slightly taken aback by her question, my mind reeling, embarrassment starting to sink in as I realize what a fucking wreck I must look like to her. No wonder she won't commit to me. I'm not the man she needs, especially with everything going on with her father. But I love her more than words could possibly explain, and for that reason alone, I know I need to do better. Be better for her.

And for myself.

I clear the shock from my face and try for a softer expression, aiming to ease her mind and hopefully keep her from seeing that I'm broken, missing integral pieces of myself that it seems only she's able to find.

I clear my throat, sucking back the emotions I've been feeling, reeling them in a bit before I start. "I know what you're saying is true, and what my mind is doing is twisting reality, but it's not easy to see past that." I sigh, and she burrows herself closer to me, holding me as she listens. I know I need to include her in this, need her to feel like the important missing piece in my life that she so clearly is. Clearly, to me anyway . "Will you stay with me for a call with Dr. Sanchez?"

She doesn't hesitate. "I'd love nothing more." She presses a kiss to my chest, sitting up to look at me. "Plus, I took the day off from work for you, so you're buying me breakfast." She winks at me with a small smile, clearly trying to lighten the mood, and it works instantly. The tension begins to unwind, loosening the strain I've been feeling from the emotions I've had coiling around me like chains, choking me.

This woman is both my undoing and my salvation; even a simple smile from her acts as a balm to the wounds I just had torn back open after years of trying to mend them.

1. Hello – Aqyila

2. Show My Love for You – Demise

3. Every Kind Of Way – H.E.R.