48. Kassian

Chapter forty-eight

Kassian

Friday, December 29, 2023

I knew better than to ask her out to lunch. It was too much like a real date, and that's probably because I wanted it to be a real date.

She seemed fine with it, but when I walked her back to work, things seemed to shift as if she was second-guessing her decision to meet me.

How fucking stupid can I be?

Lacing my fingers through my hair, I tug and cup the back of my neck in anger. I keep fucking up.

No wonder she keeps finding excuses for us not to be together. I push her too far, too fast, and all because I'm just so desperate for any interaction with her that I can't seem to control myself. I shake the thoughts away and reach over to my nightstand, grabbing my phone and unlocking it. I pull up the number for Dr. Sanchez's office and speak with the front desk, scheduling a video call for this evening.

***

"And do you feel there's anything you could've done differently in that situation?" she asks me. There's no judgment in her tone, just a relatively open-ended question for me to consider.

"I think I need to just be more patient with her. I try to drag her along with me so she can catch up to where me and my feelings are, but it has the opposite effect. I end up just pushing her further away. She keeps saying my sister won't approve, and that's been her only reason why we can't be together."

I shake my head, letting the following words roll around in my mouth, feeling them before speaking them. "I genuinely don't think that's what's bothering her though. I don't know how exactly, but I can just tell that it isn't the real issue, but she won't open up to me about this one thing ," I tell her, exhausted as we reach the thirty-minute mark in this conversation.

"You and I have discussed miscommunication and having time to sit with our emotions several times in the past. You know I'm never going to give you advice. That isn't what this is about, but maybe consider what you've learned up to this point and try to see things from a different perspective." She doesn't continue—just leaves me with that as I mull it over.

"So what you may or may not be saying"—I see her fight the urge to roll her eyes at me, but she remains professional—"is that she might just not be ready to discuss it, and I should give her the time to do so while acting as a safe space for the day that happens," I reply, feeling proud of myself for how far I've come.

She smiles, a real, genuine smile that she never gives me. "I'm glad you were able to come to that conclusion, Kas. How are you feeling now?"

I take another moment, fully considering before answering. "I feel better. A lot better than I did before this conversation. I know that my self-worth shouldn't be impacted by whether she wants to be in a relationship with me or not, and no matter how badly I want to change that, it isn't my responsibility to do so. Sometimes, people just need the opportunity to work things out for themselves. I'll always be a safe space for her, and I hope I can show her that with time and through my actions." 1 I feel like giving myself a pat on the back for that.

"I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, Kas. Do you maybe want to increase these meetings to weekly for a little while?"

"That might be a good idea, actually; let's plan to do that going forward. At least for a while."

"That sounds like a good plan. Call my office if you need anything in the interim. This was a good call, Kas. You really have come so far, and I hope you see that."

I nod. "I do. I appreciate all of your help, Dr. Sanchez, really."

She smiles at me before ending the meeting.

I set my tablet down and swap to my cell, sending Aiyana a text and hoping it reaches whatever part of her is hurting too badly to share with me.

Goodnight my little viper 3 I'm always here for you, in any capacity you need me. Let me know if you need a safe space and I'll be that for you. Through anything and everything, always.

1. Agora Hills – Doja Cat