Chapter 31

Thirty-One

For a while, I stand by the fire, breathless with anger, unable to think about anything but our argument. I can’t believe what just happened, it’s complete chaos. How could Lou have fooled me all this time?

Trembling, I clench my fists, open them again and bury my hands deep in my pockets. I can’t get her tearstained eyes out of my mind. Or her words.

I didn’t have to prove anything to you because I truly love you!

She sounded so sincere. But she’s done that before, even when she tricked me. Shit, I don’t even know what to think anymore! Why didn’t she tell me about the blackouts? What exactly does she know? Does she know my stepfather treated me like a mangy dog? Dragged me around the house on my hands and knees by a chain and made me eat from a dog bowl on the floor whenever it amused him? With my hands tied behind my back? Does she know about the coffin in the basement, the humiliating punishments? What else does she know about my mom? More than me?

How can she know it and not say anything about it?

Because at some point she planned on using it against you.

But she said she loves me.

You think someone like her could love someone like you, shithead? Isn’t that why you kidnapped her?

Bren, I love you. She said that.

Forget it, bastard. Nobody will ever love you.

Maybe you’re just making it easy for yourself. Maybe you want to be mad at her so you don’t feel guilty about keeping her here!

The lump in my throat feels like stone. Do I want to make it easy for myself? Is it that simple? Is it possible that Lou was telling the truth and just kept silent out of respect for me?

Never! She would never love someone like you!

I close my eyes and try to block out the evil voice inside me. Lou talked to me during the flashes and helped me come back. Even the first time during the thunderstorm. Maybe she reacted to what I said. I was so grateful to her then. And if she’s telling the truth, she already knew quite a bit about my past at that time. So, nothing has changed.

As if through a fog, I see her tearstained face in front of me and hear her desperate sobs because I don’t believe her. Fuck!

I put my hand over my mouth as if trying to stifle a groan. As usual, my fear and anger have ruined everything; my fear of having to let her go because it’s the right thing to do, it’s something a good person would do.

A dull pressure squeezes my heart. I’ve been acting like a raving lunatic. It was an act of cruelty to tell her I considered letting her go. Tonight, I still thought all I wanted was her happiness. Simply because I love her. And whatever she thought, planned, or wanted, if I truly love her, shouldn’t matter. It must not play a role in this decision.

You have to let her go.

I swallow against the cold panic in my throat. This time I manage to keep the fear down enough to think it through to the end, down to the last detail. I wouldn’t even care if Lou turned me in, though being without Lou would be punishment enough. In the wild or in a cell, it would be the same for me. Both feel pointless, but it’s not about me.

I take a shallow breath.

I have to do it. As soon as possible, so I won’t change my mind again. I can never let old Brendan get the upper hand again.

Abruptly, I turn from the fire and go straight back to the RV. I carefully open the door, climb the steps, and stand in the aisle. My eyes sting as I look toward the back. Lou is curled up on her side, her face chalk white and swollen from crying. What a huge idiot I was!

“Lou?” I ask softly.

Step by step, I approach the bed, but she doesn’t move. “Lou?”

She’s breathing deeply and evenly. Maybe she’s so exhausted from the argument that she fell asleep—she isn’t healthy yet after all.

With a deep sigh, I release the key from my belt and unlock the cuff around her wrist. She mumbles something under her breath and pushes her free hand under her cheek, but her eyes remain closed.

I look at her with a hollow feeling in my chest.

So dark… Mom…

The boy’s voice fills me like a perpetual echo. I mechanically clutch the iron chain still attached to the wall anchor.

Come back…where are you, Mom?

The smell of wood stain emanates from somewhere far off. The ground beneath my feet quakes like it did on Quiet Lake. Shades of gray flicker in my vision. Shakily, I unlock the handcuffs that hold the chain to the anchor, grab more chains from the closet, and jump down the RV steps.

So dark, dark, dark…

My chest and stomach contract painfully, a dark flood filling my mind. I need a tree, something to tie myself to… Suddenly, I’m in the middle of the forest, stumbling through the deadwood with leaden feet, feeling scratchy twigs on my face. On a tall spruce, I connect the steel chains and loop them around the trunk, but then I realize I still have the key with me. I need it to close the handcuffs. Once done, I can’t throw it into the woods where Lou would never find it.

Heart pounding, I dash back, crashing through the undergrowth and yanking a master key from the carabiner. Panicking, I dig a thin string out of my pocket and thread it shakily through the eye of the key. Where to put it? Where? My gaze falls on the side mirror and I breathe a sigh of relief. In no time at all, I hang it there just in time. The darkness within me swallows the forest and the trees. Everything grows dark as if the world only consists of shadows.

Can’t breathe…so dark…

The feeling of asphyxiation burns my lungs. I stumble back blindly, banging both my shoulders on wood and branches until I reach the tree with the chains.

Like the night of the thunderstorm, I tie myself to the trunk, my hands cuffed, the iron chains fastened to the spruce like a leash. Again and again, the earth shakes beneath me and I stagger sideways like a drunk. When I’m secured, I toss the original key into the undergrowth.

One, two, three, four…

The ground gives way.

Black swirls pass by me. I land on something hard with a thud. I look around confused. The little boy stands in front of me and looks down at me with his timeless gaze. Blood is running from his nose and his reddened eyes have green-blue shiners.

He shakes his head with a serious expression. I know what he’s going to say and beat him to it. “I’ll go.”

“You have no idea, do you?” He rubs his pants with his hands. “You don’t remember what it’s like to be there?”

“I do,” I reply reluctantly. “Of course I remember how it was.”

The little boy laughs and a torrent of mockery pours over me.

Screams ring out from somewhere. Terrible screams like I’ve never heard before.

“I am you!” I say when it’s quiet again and he stays silent.

“What you feel is merely an echo of the pain.” The boy turns on his bare feet and walks down the dark corridor I saw so many times as a child. The notch in the floor, the uneven threshold, the door behind which lie all the horrors I fear.

“Brendan, wait!” I yell, scrambling to my feet. He doesn’t respond; suddenly seems to be somewhere else. The horrible wails pierce my eardrums again.

“Bren!” I yell when it has quieted down.

“I don’t have a name, you know that!” he says angrily now.

“Of course you have a name,” I call after him, suddenly angry at him for not letting me get close to him. “He called you all sorts of things, but your name is Brendan. You simply forgot about it for a long time.” For a very long time. So long, so dark.

“I am nothing, nothing doesn’t need a name,” the boy whispers and suddenly stops.

“You are not nothing. You are me. My name is Brendan. I’m twenty-two and my birthday is in January. I love a wonderful girl. This love is not nothing. You’re not nothing!”

The boy glances at me over his shoulder, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “Is that true?” he whispers and there is an unbearable sadness in his words. It wants to break my heart.

“Yeah,” I choke back, reaching out to him like Lou reached out to me. I want to touch him and tell him that everything will be fine. “He can’t hurt you anymore, Bren. He can’t hurt us anymore.”

“Is he dead?”

“I don’t know, but he no longer has power over us. He is gone.”

“And yet he’s always there.”

“Memories. They are merely memories,” I say softly, stepping toward the boy. “It’s over.” He can’t slip away from me anymore.

Suddenly, he looks as withdrawn as before. “I have to protect you. From these memories,” he says with childish determination.

Without further explanation, he starts to run. He pushes open the door to the basement and this time I run after him. With an outstretched arm, I catch the closing door, hold it open, and take a few steps into the darkness.

“Brendan?” I call out.

Silence.

Then, in a second, the darkness is torn apart like a curtain. My eyes light up and I see the monster bending over the little boy, grabbing him by the collar, and dragging him toward the black coffin.

Full of rage, I throw myself at the man, but I can’t reach him as he vanishes like air between my fingers.

“You filthy bastard of a godless whore! I’ll kill you!” he yells at the boy. I want to grab him, but in my hands, there’s a strange jolt and pain shoots up my wrists.

“Bren?” I hear someone gasp. I look around, confused. “Bren, it’s Lou.”

“I’ll kill you,” someone yells, and I think it’s the monster screaming at the boy.

“No,” whispers a girl’s voice in front of me. “You will not. You love me!”

Suddenly, there is the picture of the blonde woman again, of my Little Miss Sunshine. Warmth and sadness wash over my heart. It feels as if it has been broken multiple times, I miss her so much.

“You left me,” I say miserably. “You left…it was so dark…do you know what it was like, there, underground…”

“Yes. I know.” That’s Lou. I understand she’s somewhere in my darkness. She speaks to me tentatively, holding me tight like I wanted to hold the boy. “Everything was quiet. You were alone. In every pause between two heartbeats, you thought you died. And when you thought you were dead, you were still alone. Even when you were outside again. You longed for your mother’s arms, but she never came back.”

“How could you leave me?” It’s not my mom. I know deep down, but the words come anyway. And with them a feeling of loneliness so vast that there is no word for it. Cold creeps into my marrow, making me shiver. It’s as if my bones could break one by one. I want to scream but I remain silent. I can’t even raise my hand to reach out to Lou.

“Maybe…maybe she didn’t leave you,” I hear her say and I cling to her voice like I’ve unconsciously done so many times before. “Something could have happened to her, too. Maybe someone kidnapped her. Maybe whoever did this to you also made sure she didn’t find you. Or that she’d never come back.”

The words dance around me in a black-and-white fog. I understand the content, but I can’t sort it. It’s just so good to hear her voice. It’s like she takes the cold out of my limbs. I squint a few times to clear my vision and spot Lou. She is lying on her back on the ground. Strange. Why is she on the ground?

I shake my head in bewilderment. “Lou?” My throat is itchy and I’m hoarse. “What are you doing here?”

Lou lets out a dry sob. “Bren, thank God…” Did I knock her over? Is that why she’s on the ground?

Her gaze wanders over me, fear and worry reflected in it.

“You’re hurt,” she says breathlessly, pointing to my wrists. I follow her gesture and discover dark red blood oozing from under the iron rings trickling into my palms. She’s on the ground worried that I’m hurt!

“Better me than you,” I answer curtly, yanking at the chain, but I hardly feel the pain. The other colder pain inside me is much stronger and I feel it more every second. At the same time, my field of vision shrinks into a tunnel again.

So dark, I hear the boy whimper. So dark…get me out of here!

I peer anxiously at Lou, thinking of Jordan Price. In any case, I must not knock her down again. “You have to go back inside immediately,” I instruct her.

“No.” Lou pulls herself to her feet and staggers.

I can’t breathe…can’t…

“Let me stay with you.” Lou could have said it or I could have said it myself to the boy. Again, I hear those terrifying screams, half man, half battered beast. I have to get away from here. Bent over, I stumble forward, wood shattering around me. A man’s ragged breath fills the darkness.

“Brendan…”

Wildly, I spin in circles, catch a glimpse of a specter, and blink into the night. Lou is only a few steps away from me between the dark trees. Again, her brightness reminds me of a little ghost. So delicate and translucent. She looks at me, deep inside me. She knows everything. She is afraid and yet she is here. She didn’t let me down. Come to me, Lou, I want to whisper, I never want to hurt you again, but I’m motionless, unable to speak or move. I need all my strength to stay in the here and now.

As if she could hear my thoughts, she takes a tiny step toward me. And another. Like back at the lake.

Hold me, Lou! Hold me and never let go! Never again.

I want to pull her toward me, but my body won’t respond. And my mind knows it’s too dangerous and I’d have to yell at her to make her walk away. But Lou is so close that we touch. With a soft gasp, she wraps her arms around me and her head lands against my chest.

The longing to feel her is stronger than reason. I drown, fly, fall. My consciousness sinks downward to the boy and my heart fills with pity when I find him in torn pants in the dark hole. He is so small. He has waited so long for salvation and even longer for love. He’s not worthless, merely lonely, confused, and scared to death. It’s not his fault his parents didn’t want him. It is not his fault he was tortured and abused. He is a good man.

“Hey, Bren,” I say quietly.

He looks up at me wide-eyed. “You came back,” he whispers and the disbeliefwith which he says it makes my heart ache.

“I won’t leave you alone anymore,” I promise. “I can take care of you now. You just have to come with me, to my time.” I give him my hand, and with a scared look, he places his small one in my big one. His fingers are stiff from the cold, the contact awkward as if he doesn’t know how to touch me.

“You’re doing great,” I say with a smile.

He smiles back shyly. “You’re not lying?”

“No. I can take whatever you carry.” I pull him with me, and suddenly, the darkness blows to the side and we are standing in a sparse forest between spruces and birches. The sky is bright blue, northern-sky blue, without a single cloud.

We’re still holding hands. A mild breeze ruffles my hair. I look down at the boy and see a smile. I can feel it on my face. It is not an echo or a reflection. It is my own. Carefully, I take the boy into my arms and hold him tight.

And his body becomes my body and I feel myself being held. By Lou. And by myself. I am the boy and the boy is me.

“I won’t leave you, Bren,” I hear Lou whisper against my chest.

“You’re crazy.” I feel dizzy, not just from her words, but because it suddenly feels like my memories mingle with the boy’s. I’m realizing again how dangerous it is for Lou to be here with me. I try to free my arms from her grip, but Lou resists.

“You can hit and kick me in your madness, but I won’t go. You can push me away, but I’m staying,” she says with grim determination, purposefully wrapping her arms even tighter around my waist.

“I can’t let that happen,” I choke out.

“You have no choice. You said I was merely pretending, but that’s not true. I love you.”

I groan. Now is definitely not the best time to talk about it since the flash isn’t over.

As gently as I can, I take Lou’s head in my hands. “I know, Lou,” I whisper. “I know.” I gently stroke her cheeks and they get wet from the blood on my hands and her tears. “I honestly was considering letting you go. Deep down, I was probably searching for a reason not to. At that moment, I wanted to believe you were playing me the entire time. I wanted to be mad at you.”

She laughs and cries at the same time. Crazy. How is this supposed to work?

“Hey, Lou, don’t cry,” I scold affectionately. “Shh. All is well. I’m sorry for what I said.” The feeling of foreign images in me intensifies and sends a chill through my limbs. Something is happening to me, but I don’t know what. I quickly free myself from Lou’s arms. “You have to go, quick!”

“No, I’m staying!” Lou says without taking her eyes off me. “And the next time you’re in that place you dread, imagine if I were there, too.”

“Lou…” Sweat pools on the back of my neck. I want to tell her it’s a bad idea because I don’t know how it will be this time, but she’s faster.

“Please do it! Just try it!”

“What if it doesn’t work? What if I attack you?” My body trembles as if electrified.

“I’ll stay anyway.”

When did she wrap her arms around me again? I have no idea. Suddenly, it feels like I’m standing at the bottom of a well. Something rushes toward me from above. A flood. Images race through my mind in quick succession. A chocolate-covered birthday cake with three white candles, blue pirate balloons on the ceiling and confetti on the table. “Blow them out and make a wish,” I hear my mom say happily. Her cheeks are flushed, but her right eye is bloodshot and swollen. I puff out my cheeks and blow, and hot wax squirts onto the paper tablecloth. Smoke rises. “Hey, that was great, Brenny. All three in one go!” My mom laughs and wraps her arms around me and lifts me up. I inhale her scent. Vanilla lemon. “And your wish?” she asks in a whisper. “I want to get away from him. With you, away from him,” I whisper back.

The memory fades. Other pictures follow. My mom’s gone, I’m in someone else’s house, in a shabby kitchen made of patchwork cupboards. Everything is unfamiliar, dark, and eerie. Before my feet is a lake of spilled milk. The man Mom called my daddy approaches me with a wide leather belt. The corners of his mouth turn down, his eyes narrow like sickles. I sense the danger, run away, and crouch in a corner, but it’s in vain. His hatred rains down on me. The leather hisses through the air, exploding with a smack against my skin. The burning is all-encompassing, blinding me. The man yells that my mom left me because she didn’t want a shit like me for a son. That burns even harder than the leather. Pain shoots up behind my eyes, into every cell of my body.

My torso convulses under the weight of the memory. I don’t want to feel this. Red mist fills my head.

“Scream already!” I hear Lou whisper piercingly. “Just scream, no one can hear you. Just me. And I can take it. I’ll stick around.”

More images fill me.

I lie in the dark, hands braced against the thick wood, but I can’t get at the six clasps. My upper arm muscles are burning. “Mom!” I scream in my head. “Mom! Come back!” My fear is mixed with blazing pain. “Why did you leave? Why did you leave me behind? I wanted to go with you. I wished for it!” Nothing happens. Everything remains quiet. So quiet. Even my own heart grows as quiet as the dark. I can’t take it. The pain is so great. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, Mom, it’s so dark.

Seconds tick by. Minutes. My fingernails are wet, probably bleeding from trying to scratch a hole in the lid. But that’s useless. Everything hurts. My broken skin is blazing from the beatings, on my back, stomach, arms, and legs. I feel a pang of thirst and the deafening noise of silence. Hunger eats away at my stomach and my pants are cold and stiff. Someone is crying. Suddenly, the lid opens and it gets so bright, it’s like I’m standing in heaven with a thousand angels.

But only he is there.

He pulls me out of the box and throws me to the ground.

“You’re crying.”

“N-no, sir…” But I am crying.

“I should kill you,” he hisses horribly. He bends down, grabs my throat, and slams me against the basement wall.

“Bren, don’t…” There’s that voice again. I hear it as if a dream.

“You’re nothing, little bastard. Nothing. Ash and dust. I could kill you and no one would know. Nobody would miss you.”

His words burn inside me as does the pressure of his fingers on my throat. For seconds, Iwish he would kill me, but I know he won’t because then he won’t be able to torment me anymore. As I whimper helplessly, his face twists into a sneering mask. “I’ll put you in a coffin and bury you in the backyard. This time, though, I won’t free you. You can shit your pants in there all you want and die in your own filth. How would you like that?” His cold gray eyes regard me like a hungry predator. “Answer me!”

“Bren…stop…you’re…not…him…” Someone sobs. Who is that?

“Your pathetic whimpering won’t help you now, you weakling!” I hear the monster roar. Or am I yelling? Out of reflex, I grip my hand tighter around something I’m holding.

“Bren…” A hand tugs at my fingers. “I love you…please come back to me!”

My body freezes. That’s Lou, isn’t it? Confused, I try to fight the images in me. These are only memories, says a voice inside me. Only memories. It’s over, you said so yourself.

Deep inside me, my mom smiles at me and a tremendous longing grabs me. Make a wish! she says softly.

“Do…not…leave…me! Come back!”

My heart clenches. Lou is crying. Now I can hear it clearly. “Please…come back.” Where is she? I shake my head to get a clearer picture. “Brendan, please…”

Suddenly, she appears in front of me, very close. Why is she crying and why is she saying not to leave her? “I’m with you, Lou,” I whisper harshly. Then my eyes notice my hand that is wrapped around her throat. The shock is so great that I want to fall to my knees. I’m grabbing her by the throat and choking her like the monster choked me! God, don’t let anything happen to her! As gently as if her neck were glass and my hand concrete, I withdraw my fingers.

Lou’s legs sag, but I catch her and hug her. With horror, I notice the red imprint of my hands on her skin. She is so still, so terribly pale, with panic reflected in her eyes.

“Lou, say something, please…” I beg her.

Panting, she clutches my upper arms while tears run down her cheeks. She tries to smile but fails. You don’t have to be brave, I want to whisper, but I can’t get a word out because the second smile works.

Something is shattering me into a thousand pieces. How can she smile? I shake my head dumbly. “Forgive me…Lou…” I murmur. “I won’t allow you to do this again!” I brush tears from her cheeks with my fingertips.

Lou blinks, seemingly only now recognizing me. “It wasn’t that bad,” she whispers, exhausted. Her voice sounds raspy.

I clench my jaw until my joints hurt. “You’re lying. You’re shaking like crazy.”

“I’m merely cold.”

“Lou, my hand was around your throat and you say it wasn’t that bad?” I lift her chin. Despite the darkness, I can make out the finger streaks running around her throat. “Fucking shit!” I blurt out angrily. “You can’t be with me when I’m freaking out. This is madness. Just believe me!”

“I believe you, but I’ll do it anyway,” Lou says adamantly. “Besides, you came back—that’s all that matters.”

I bend down to her until my forehead is against hers. Her breath brushes my chin and all I want to do is protect her. “I won’t let you put yourself in danger again.”

“You have to.” She punches my chest teasingly with her fist. “You’re the one chained to the tree like a dog on a leash, not me.”

I laugh, but it sounds tired and lacks amusement. “Then at least let me carry you to the fire.” I bend down and put one arm behind her back and the other behind her knees. She is light, but my body feels as if it had lain in the lonely coffin for ten days without food or water. My legs are shaking, but I make it to the fire with the clinking chain. I carefully set Lou down and drop to the ground behind her. I slide close to her, my legs to the right and left of her to warm her from all sides. Her back leans against my stomach.

Wearily, she rests her head against my chest and puts her hands on my arms. We sit there like two halves that broke apart and have now been painstakingly put together.

“Don’t ever let go of me, Lou. Never again,” I say in a whisper.

“I won’t,” Lou whispers back.

We are both silent for a while when I hear the wolf pack howling in the distance. At that moment, it no longer sounds lonely but simply primal and wild.

I stroke Lou’s hair with shaky fingers, realizing again how vulnerable she is. I know she wants to stay with me during the flashes and prove her love to me, but I can’t let that go on. “When the next attack comes, keep your distance, understand?” I say, twisting a strand of her hair around my finger.

“Bren…”

“Promise me!” I interrupt her before she can say more than my name. Maybe it’s the desperation in my voice that makes her nod. I am immensely relieved.

“But I’m only staying a few feet away,” she adds. “So, when you need me, I’ll be there.”

I can’t answer her. I bend down to her, and at the same time, she turns her head in my direction, reaching out for me.

Our lips meet somewhere in the middle, and when I feel her tongue, a wild shiver races across my skin. Hot and cold, like fire and stars. Lou tastes like our night at the lake, like tears, peppermint, and raspberries. Everything merges together as if there are no boundaries between us.

I know I shouldn’t do this. I know what’s in store for me tomorrow and that the flashback isn’t over. But none of that matters in these seconds. For a moment, I want to allow the dream to expand inside me and push back the darkness. Longingly, I hug Lou tighter. I feel her heartbeat on my chest in time with mine, together like howling wolves, and the forest, the aurora borealis and northern sky, and the moon and stars. Again, I sink into the depths, but this time it is no longer dark.

Early in the morning, I sit at the RV’s table, feeding Grey a double helping of milk. The night and the flashes that followed the first have left me so exhausted, I can barely keep my eyes open. A crushing pain pierces the back of my head like a dowel, but I’m still not allowed to rest.

I bend over and peer down the aisle at Lou stretched out on the bed, fast asleep. She looks so incredibly peaceful. I almost convince myself she’s too happy to let her go, but that’s merely wishful thinking. Last night proved that it’s too dangerous to be around me, whether I found a part of myself or not.

All the new memories inside me, the boy’s memories—mine!—that have been repressed for so long, drift through my senses like ghosts. Images flash before me. Some are elusive as if they haven’t found the place they deserve yet.

I recall the words the psychologist told me, that there could be more to the blackouts than just flashbacks. I’m now willing to believe it, but I have no idea what to call the phenomenon.

I absentmindedly rub my sore eyes and set Grey back in his nest of fleece. I pace restlessly up and down the aisle. What am I to do? “Grey, what should I do?” I repeat the words over and over—ridiculous.

There is only one answer and I’ve known it for a long time.