Chapter 30

Thirty

Iwalk through the next day as if in a thick fog. Over and over, my thoughts wander to Lou and what I should do. When I cook her favorite dish in the evening, I hardly eat anything and feed Grey some noodles instead, lost in thought. Lou gives me a strange look while coiling spaghetti on her fork, but doesn’t say anything.

Trying to pull myself together so she doesn’t get scared again of me and my moods, I eat a few bites.

Still, I’m relieved when I can turn my back to her while doing the dishes. Looking at her means seeing all that I will lose if I give in to my inner voice. Besides, I feel like even though I’m trying not to show it, she’s realizing how messed up I am. And I don’t want to tell her anything about it yet, because I may change my mind.

I scrub the dishes monotonously with the brush and run the water afterward.

“Are you sick?” Lou suddenly asks.

It is obvious, she already knows me too well!

I set a plate on the drying towel, forcing a smile on my face before turning to face her. “No, why do you ask?” My tone isn’t quite as carefree as I would have liked.

“You’re so pale. Maybe you caught it.” Lou gives me a searching look.

I wipe my hands dry on my pants and sit down on the bench across from her. “I don’t think what you have is contagious,” I say seriously. I grab her fingers across the table.

“Why not?” Lou frowns. She is wrapped in her down comforter, looking like a small soft package. And while she seems happy overall, she can’t possibly be.

I cling to her hands, and for a few seconds, I can’t answer. “I can’t give you what you really need,” I finally explain. “There’s no medicine for that… I think you got sick because you’re unhappy. Your immune system’s weakened, then there’s the escape, and the cold…” I stand up abruptly, remembering the necklace. With a soft tinkle, I pull it out of the cupboard. Lou’s eyes grow as big as saucers.

“I found it on the hillside.” Suddenly, I’m afraid of her reaction. Maybe this chain will make her sad, too. “It was hanging from one of the rocks. The chain broke…so, I…well, I didn’t want to give it back to you until I fixed it.” I hold out the chain and Lou grabs it, hands shaking. “It seemed important to you…you never took it off.”

Lou swallows a few times in a row and then shakes her head briefly. “Oh, Bren…thank you…”

We look at each other and Lou’s eyes still have that deep, dark sparkle that makes me long for so much more.

I expected her to put the necklace on immediately, but she puts it on the table for me to look at, and delicately runs her forefinger over some of the charms: a silver cross, a red heart, a hand that looks a bit like a bell, and a turquoise disc with silver trim. Maybe she’s trying to make it clear to me that she wants to share her memories with me—just as you would in a normal relationship.

I sit back down with a bitter taste in my mouth. I have no right to this past, quite the opposite.

“These four are from your brothers,” I state instead of formulating it as a question. I’m sure because she doesn’t pay attention to any of the others.

She nods and suddenly looks as lost as I currently feel.

“Do you want to tell me about them?” I smile, but it feels wrong. And even if I don’t feel like I deserve her words, I have to let her speak.

As a tear rolls down her face, I catch it, and caress her cheeks.

Lou smiles bravely, grabs the chain, and puts it around her neck. It is as if a sigh of relief goes through her body and then she begins to talk, hesitantly at first, but after a while, her voice becomes more firm. I listen spellbound as she speaks lovingly of her brothers.

About Ethan, who rules the family like an imperious king, but who also tirelessly watches over everyone. About Avery, the passionate cook who acts as a mediator between siblings, and Liam, the outsider whom she particularly loves, maybe because of that. When she talks about Jayden, her voice cracks. She clutches the turquoise disc on the chain, and for a moment, I have to think about Delsin and Istu. She says Jayden is the dreamer in the Scrivers’ family and that his stories reflect his heart.

“I had everything I needed as a child.” She cries and I wipe the tears from her face. “A house full of love… A brother to take care of me… One to spoil me, one to invent the greatest games for me, and one to annoy… I felt loved, I didn’t care how much or little we had. I never wanted to leave Ash Springs, our house and our yard where Liam made me catch invisible rhinos… It was paradise even though I didn’t really realize it at the time.” Small, soft sobs pepper her words. I awkwardly stroke her hand that still clutches the pendants of the necklace, and slowly she calms down.

My heart grows so heavy it feels like it’s about to fall out of my chest. She should still be there. She belongs in Nevada, not the Yukon. She’s not mine and I need to put an end to this.

There is a moment of silence as we look at each other. Lou’s blue eyes are so painfully familiar to me yet, at the same time, completely alien in their depths. How is it possible that you know someone and, at the same time, don’t? Why is it that Lou’s mere presence makes my heart overflow with joy and, at the same time, provokes such great fear?

You know exactly why.

I look away and stare at the darkness outside the window.

“You’re acting weird today,” Lou whispers. “What’s wrong?” Her voice is still hoarse from crying.

“I’m not sure.” I blink at her.

She has to go home.

As if for a farewell, I take her head in my hands and kiss her gently on the forehead.

You have to let her go, the voice inside me whispers persistently. I wish I could just shut it up, but that’s no longer possible. Lou brought out the new Brendan, who’s now championing her. This is crazy.

I gently withdraw my hands and step outside as if I could run from myself.

In front of the RV, I take a deep breath. It wasn’t fair to leave Lou without an explanation, but I’m not ready to tell her what’s truly on my mind yet. I add a few logs and sit by the campfire. I stare into the flames, lost in thought.

I can’t stop thinking about what I just said to Lou. She must have gotten sick with grief. Perhaps she is not aware of what she has given up with her decision. I can’t explain it any other way, even if she claims otherwise. How could she make decisions now for what might be in five years? Even if she fell in love with me, it can’t last forever. I also just heard her speaking about her home and her brothers and I’m sure she could never talk that way about me. Because there is nothing good to say about me.

I glance over my shoulder at the window and see Lou working at the sink. Her hair falls around her pale pink cheeks and she seems completely engrossed in washing the dishes.

My heart tightens just thinking of her not being here any longer. The dark, cold fear rises in my throat again and I instinctively reach for the silver coin on my bracelet.

I always end up alone. I can’t do it. Not again.

I breathe in and out shallowly, concentrating on pushing the fear away. At that moment, I hear the RV door open.

Lou limps over to the fire, wrapped in the down comforter, and sits on my lap like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I can almost physically feel her confusion by my behavior, so without a word, I wrap my arms around her as cautiously as I did at the lake a few days ago. She nestles against my chest and her hair tickles my lips. Warmth flows into my stomach.

Holding her silences everything in me. The many questions and answers that are burned into my brain stop spinning. I calm down. I tell myself the decision to let her go doesn’t have to be made today or tomorrow. I have time. If not today, then tomorrow or the day after that. This can go on forever until that one day where I can bring myself to make the decision. Or perhaps can’t.

After a few minutes, Lou sits up on my lap. “Is the pendant on your bracelet also a memento?” she suddenly asks, nodding her chin in the direction of the leather strap.

The question surprises me, but maybe it is because we talked about her necklace earlier. However, I don’t feel the need to reveal my past to her. I don’t even want to recall it myself. “It was my mother’s.” My voice is muffled and I clear my throat.

Lou looks at me openly. “Do you want to talk about her?”

“No,” I reply too sharply. Lou flinches. I’m immediately sorry for my harsh tone, but I don’t want to say anything about her. I’m not ready for that. Lou has to accept this.

“You said she abandoned you,” she continues.

I’m speechless for a moment.

Lou carefully places her hand on my arm. “Yet you keep this coin and have the symbol tattooed on your back.”

Blood drains from my cheeks. How does she know this about my mom? I never spoke to her about it, ever. For a moment, a sequence of images flashes in my mind. A blonde woman, a little older than Lou, who runs after a little boy to catch him. The exuberant laughter echoes in me and pain from old longing squeezes my heart. A sound of agony rises in my throat and I can’t hold it back. Out of reflex, I put my hands in front of my face and try to hide the deep horror inside me. “Please don’t, Lou.”

“Bren, look at me!” Lou takes my fingers and pulls them aside.

The image blurs before my eyes. I no longer see her but all the things I have locked inside me. Endless darkness, sorrow, and pain. Rose tendrils on ebony.

“I want to help you,” I hear Lou say urgently. “Eventually, you’ll have to talk about it. You’ll need to.”

My stomach convulses. “I don’t have to do anything!” That is old Brendan speaking for me and it’s useless to fight him on this.

Lou shakes her head. “Otherwise, we’ll never be able to live a normal life. I will always be afraid of you. Part of me will always fear the other Brendan, do you understand?”

I don’t pay attention to her because I can’t get her earlier words out of my mind. “I never told you about my mother,” I say uneasily, my heart beating too fast. “How do you know that I think she abandoned me?”

“You talk about the past during your flashbacks. You take on different roles.”

It feels like she pushed me into ice-cold water.

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you?”

“No.” I stare numbly into the darkness of the trees. My ears start buzzing. A terrible suspicion arises in me.

Lou doesn’t notice anything and wraps her arms around my neck like nothing happened. “I’m sure I know more about you than you realize. You once said you couldn’t talk about that time, but that’s what you do when you’re stuck in your memories.”

My racing heart wants to stop beating. Her words whip like a whirlwind through my mind. She knows everything! She knows my fear, my weakness, and my powerlessness. She knows what I am. A loser, a coward, a nothing. And she never let on.

Watch out!

Anger and shame boil up in me. I feel naked, exposed to the core. Why was she silent? What exactly does she know? Was she trying to take advantage of these things or does she see me simply as a merciless creature that needs to be pitied? Bitter bile rises in me. I can hardly think straight. I notice she is stroking my hair.

“You need to talk about it,” she says quietly. “Maybe then the flashbacks will stop.”

I don’t heed her words. “Is that why you did it?” I ask her somberly, feeling my good intentions slipping away like a school of slippery fish.

“Did what?” Lou moves away from me. She looks caught.

“Love me. Was it out of pity?” That is why you didn’t push that pitiful creature away? Suddenly, I feel disgusted with myself. Without realizing what I’m doing, I jump up and Lou slides off my lap, but quickly catches herself.

She shakes her head and lets out a strange laugh. “What makes you…”

“Was it out of pity, yes or no?” My tone is as cold as the icy fear in my soul. It freezes all the tears in me.

Lou looks terrified. Her eyes shimmer on her pale face. “No! No, of course not…” The words come out haltingly. She shakes her head defensively. “You think I didn’t call out to the men because I felt sorry for the man who kidnapped me? Do you really think that would be enough to make me give up my life…pity?” There is bewilderment in the last word.

I stand by the fire with my arms crossed. I almost want to believe her and the desperate tone in her voice when I remember how well she hid the truth of my flashes from me—and how skillfully she managed to escape. She stole my lighter and set off the alarm to distract me. She’s cunning.

“Maybe you would have screamed after all? Who knows?” Bitterness darkens my words. Our time together at the river was probably all a lie! Suddenly, everything is wrong. Just everything. My expression is severe as I look at her.

She stares back. “Stop it,” she whispers to me.

But I can’t. My old self pushes everything else away. “Maybe I caught you just in time and you took advantage of the situation. Slept with me to make me believe you love me.” Is Lou that cunning? My Lou?

“I didn’t have to prove anything to you!” she hisses, anger in her voice. “I didn’t have to prove anything to you because I truly love you! But if you keep talking like this, I’m probably going to regret it.”

“Oh, yes, I have a lot of regrets too,” I blurt out breathlessly. I can’t believe I almost fell for her a second time. “How could I have believed for a second that you meant it? What did you want to achieve with this whole performance? Were you trying to appeal to my conscience?” I narrow my eyes, not caring if she’s scared or not. “That I can’t keep you a prisoner if we’re so close? That I have to set you free if I truly love you?”

Eerie wolf howls erupt from the forest. I take a step toward Lou, but she doesn’t back down and stands still. Tears glisten in her eyes, but I won’t fall for it.

“I… I can’t believe you really think that of me,” she stammers. “Do you really think I would have gone as far as sleeping with you…just to make you think I love you?”

I shrug, emphatically indifferent. “Maybe you thought you could heal me by pretending. In truth, it was never about me, it was always about your freedom.”

“You have to…you have to really, really hate me to say something like that…” Lou whispers, reaching for the pendants for support. “I don’t understand you. I just said I know more about you than you realize. You’ve already had a fit during a thunderstorm. During which you said more than you probably would have ever revealed to me. And yet I still hated you afterward. One has nothing to do with the other.”

She approaches me with a wry smile. It looks so fake, like I beat it out of her. Tentatively, she grabs my shoulder, but it seems to me that her fingers are tearing deep wounds.

I shake her hand off with a jerk. “Stop it, Louisa!” I back away.

Lou looks like I slapped her. “Brendan…listen to me! This is crazy.” She gasps for breath, shaky. “I didn’t fall in love with you because your father kept you prisoner somewhere underground.”

The directness of her statement is like a cold dagger to the heart. So dark… I gasp reflexively. Tightness constricts my throat as everything inside me convulses.

“Stop it right now!” I say in a stony voice. How dare she talk about that. A red mist races through my thoughts.

“Bren, I love you!” Lou takes a step toward me, wringing her hands. “And of course I’m terribly sorry about what happened to you. And yes, I would really like to be the one who heals you. Unfortunately, love is not enough for that.”

Her words get stuck in the fog inside me. When she reaches out to touch me again, I back away.

With a despondent expression on her face, she drops her arm. “No love in the world can heal what happened to you…” she says softly. “I saw one of your pictures when you left the closet open that one time.” She hesitates as if afraid of giving too much away. “I told you this before, but you had a fit and you probably don’t remember. Let’s go to a psychologist and start fresh…”

Something inside me is going crazy. Anger grips me like a beast. “You just want to drag me to a psychiatrist so you’ll have a chance to escape!” I yell at her, feeling the bolt relentlessly snapping into place inside me. “You don’t want me at all! You just want to run away.”

“That’s not true!” she yells back, her body shaking with anger. “I sacrificed everything for you! My whole life! But that doesn’t seem to mean anything to you. You know what? I wish I had screamed by the river! I wish I had at least wanted to scream! I wish I was home and not with you!”

Pain breaks through the armor that surrounds my soul. It is so strong that the red fog clouds my vision. I knew it. She doesn’t even want to be here. She merely pretended to love me to gain leverage over me. All she feels for me is pity and contempt.

You are nothing, just ashes and dust, you godless bastard! One cannot love you.

Acid rises into my mouth, my chest tightens. I breathe to clear my vision. Never lose your center of gravity. I allow the old anger to settle over my pain. It is cool and much easier to bear.

With a statuesque expression, I stare at Lou, who looks at me with a mixture of defiance, helplessness, and anger.

“I’m so glad I figured you out in time,” I say coldly and calmly.

Lou appears so confused, like I left her alone in a strange wooded area. “What do you mean, just in time?” she asks, pursing her lips.

I suppress a mocking laugh. “I’m an idiot! I was thinking about letting you go.” My voice cuts the words out of my flesh, knowing how badly it will hurt her. Maybe that’s exactly what I want. “I’ve been seriously considering it since we got back. No, actually, ever since you told me you love me.” I touch my forehead and laugh at my own stupidity. “And here it was all a lie.” For a moment, I stare into the fire. The wolves are silent. The forest is silent. Lou is silent.

You didn’t expect that, did you?

An owl hoots in the distance, then I hear Lou sob and look over at her.

“You were going to let me go?” she whispers weakly. “You thought about it?” She takes a step toward me, tears in her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter,” I reply hard-heartedly. “I’ve changed my mind.” It must be hard for her, but my heart feels like a lifeless block of rock.

Lou presses her fist to her mouth. It looks like she’s trying with all her might to hold back the tears, but she can’t. She’s being shaken by crying fits and her shoulders tremble. A tiny little part of me wants to hug and comfort her, but the other is stronger. The other feels betrayed and left alone, and he wants to hurt as much as he was hurt. He takes pleasure in her pain as the man used to take pleasure in the boy’s pain. I hate that part, I despise it, but I’ll never get rid of it. It’s inside of me like an incurable disease; it was insane to think I could become a different person. I narrow my eyes at Lou.

She takes it as a request because she stretches her arm out to me again. Weeping. “Bren…please…you can’t think such things about me…”

I ignore her gesture. I don’t want to be fooled again. “You should go in now,” I say unperturbed. “You’re not quite well yet.” I firmly grab her outstretched arm. “Come on, come with me.”

Gruffly, I push her in front of me, just wanting it to be over, and not see her anymore, at least not today. I drag her into the RV.

“Brendan, please, be reasonable…” Lou is still crying, but I ignore it. She can cry as much and as hard as she wants, I won’t give in. As she trips over her blanket, I catch her and give her a shove so she falls onto the bed.

I know what I have to do. With a numb heart, I go to the front and mechanically retrieve the iron chain with the handcuffs from the closet.

Lou doesn’t even look at me, and even if she did, she couldn’t see because her eyes are still filled with tears.

“Give me your wrist,” I instruct her.

Lou obeys without resisting and I snap the cuff into place.

Monster, whispers the voice in my head.

Wordlessly, I walk outside without turning back to her.