8. Austin

8

AUSTIN

It's a quiet weekend in the dorm since Kael decided to spend most of it with Angelica, who's feeling better. Dex has to work, but we still meet at the taco truck on the pier for a quick lunch and walk on the beach. I can tell he's still feeling bad about the Brandon situation—he has trouble meeting my eye when talking about the party cleanup as we scarf down our food.

But really, it's my fault for allowing myself to believe that someone might show up for me.

"Who knew people were so gross?" I deadpan in response to the used condoms he says Ian found in the bathroom. "Better you than me."

He snickers as we head toward the shore. "You would probably gag just looking at the mess."

"You look exhausted." I curl my toes in the sand. "Sorry you have to work."

"At least tonight isn't a wedding with all the cringey marriage traditions."

"How awful for you to see two people commit to spending their lives together." I chuckle because I know he doesn't truly mean it. He's just a skeptic when it comes to relationships lasting. "What kind of event is it?"

"A fundraiser."

"Right up your alley," I point out as we watch two kids building a sandcastle.

"I hear that Congressman Burke might be attending."

He represents our district, and Dex is a huge fan.

"Oh, I can almost see it now." I clear my throat, then in a high-pitched voice say, " Yes, sir. Do you need anything else, sir? "

He gives me a playful shove. "Whatever it takes to get on his radar."

"Whatever it takes?" I flutter my eyelashes, and he laughs.

After we part ways, I head back to my dorm, glad I'm not on the clock today. The room is quiet, and once I make sure the door is locked, I rummage around in my underwear drawer to pull out my new purchase—a dildo. I figure I need to step it up a bit if I'm ever going to lose my virginity. And thank the heavens, it was delivered in a nondescript box, as promised.

I've only used it once, but, no lie, it feels good. Maybe not as much as the real thing, but close enough. Not that I know.

I toss the lube and sex toy on the mattress, then glance at the door one last time before I push out of my shorts and underwear and lie down on my bed. I'd be mortified if Kael found out. And no way I'd've ever considered such a purchase when Dex and I roomed together. I'd never hear the end of it.

I open the lube and start with my fingers first. Lifting my knees to my shoulders, I close my eyes and imagine what it might feel like to have someone prep me for real.

That gets my dick really hard, so when I push two fingers inside, there's no burn, just pure sensation. I make a point of finding my prostate so there's that zing of electricity that shocks my system and makes me see stars.

Soon enough, I'm ready for the actual thing—well, no, the actual rubber thing. I slide it in slowly so there's less burn and try to savor the feeling of fullness it provides. I imagine a big, gorgeous athlete hovering over me, telling me he's gonna fuck me good and hard. He's wined and dined me first, of course.

That scenario always works well for getting me cranked way up, and I try to hold in my whimper. As soon as I grab my stiff cock with my other hand, I'm already spewing come all over my groin, and fuck, my shirt too. I'm the dummy for not taking it off.

When I hear a commotion outside the room, I jackknife to a sitting position, my heart hammering, but then I realize it's only other students from the dorm. I gulp in air to get my breathing under control.

I decide on a shower, then spray air freshener in the room before I tuck in with a good book as if I didn't just get myself off with a dildo.

After my Principles of Cataloging class on Monday morning, I have a shift at Bean Necessities. I serve a baseball player named Jordan Marks, whom I had a gen ed class with last semester and is normally chatty.

But not today. He seems distracted, and I can imagine why, given the buzz around campus over some scandal involving a party and another baseball player.

"Thanks," he mutters as he moves over to grab a lid, making room for the next customer.

And fuck me hard, Brandon is standing in my line as if he didn't dash my dreams last week. Okay, I'm being overdramatic. I don't even know anything about Brandon. He might be a jerk, he might not. But wasn't that the point? To get to know someone?

I try hard to keep my face blank as he places his order.

"Oh, you blended a different one today?"

His eyebrows draw together. "Huh?"

I did it again, didn't I?

"Sorry, sometimes my words get jumbled." I make a deliberate attempt to not mess up again. Besides, what does it matter? This guy is so not into me. "You ordered a different blend today."

"I'm surprised you noticed."

"It's easy with the regulars." My face is on fire, so I turn away to make his drink. He might not be into me, but it's hard not to notice how fucking gorgeous this guy is with those fluttery dark lashes and surfer-dude physique and hair. Normally, I like the bigger, athletic types, but no way I'd kick him out of bed. Yeah right. Like that scenario would ever happen. Maybe it's for the best. I'd totally make a fool of myself if we were to ever go on a date for real. Maybe Kael and Angelica had the right idea to become friends first.

Drink made, I avoid using one of the sleeves with the hearts. Keeping my expression neutral, I hand him the cup, and he pulls out his card to pay. I count the seconds until I can finally breathe.

Just as I think he's going to walk away, he blurts, "Did you have fun at the party?"

His expression is a bit sheepish as I meet his eyes, so maybe he feels bad about the mix-up too.

"S-sure, um, yeah," I sputter. Ugh, fuck my life.

"Cool. See you around." He looks relieved to have escaped the conversation.

I absently serve the next customer—Harrison, who used to live in Liberty Court but now stays in off-campus housing—all the while trying to unpack that interaction with Brandon. Was he feeling guilty or just being friendly?

I wish I were better at this stuff. It would be nice to have Dex's confidence.

Or Harrison's, for that matter. Today, the handsome redhead orders one green tea and two hot chocolates, so he obviously has friends—a boyfriend too, if I'm not mistaken. And despite the shade of his hair being even brighter than mine—his freckles as well—he holds his head high and seems sure of himself.

Not that being a redhead is my entire issue, but still, I'm tempted to ask him how he does it. How even though his fiery hair makes him stand out, he doesn't seem like an awkward wallflower.

Once Harrison walks away, I begin rearranging the cup sizes beneath the counter to work through my frustration. Something about organizing things calms me.

I would sometimes drive Dex crazy by categorizing our snack drawer by sweet and salty. Kael doesn't seem to notice my perfectionist side, though maybe it's because he spends most of his time texting Angelica when they're not together. Not that I'm annoyed by that, just envious.

"I need a new book rec," the next customer says, and when my eyes spring up, I see it's Everly, a guy I introduced to the romance genre one afternoon when he caught me absorbed in a book.

"Yeah?" I ask, and he nods vigorously. "Similar to the last one?"

He smiles. "That would be great."

"Let me think on it while I make your order." I rack my brain before a suggestion finally dawns on me. After he pays, I take his receipt and write the name of the book on it. "Can't lend you this one because I don't own it. But I heard good things."

"Perfect."

There's a lull in customers once he walks away, and I marvel at the fact that I can go from stumbling over my words with Brandon to easily giving Everly book recs without a stutter. It obviously comes down to attraction and feeling intimidated. I clench my jaw, tired of how my body responds so ridiculously to men I find hot.

I lift my cell and scroll to Dex's number.

I've decided I'm done with this shit.

When the three dots appear, I'm surprised because I know he's still in class. What shit are we talking about?

Being passive and awkward. You need to teach me your ways.

This exchange must be giving Dex whiplash.

Oh, hell no! Not getting in hot water with you again. I hate when you're mad at me. I've learned my lesson and maybe even got a new perspective in the process.

I frown. What do you mean?

While it's true that you're a shy introvert who'd rather stay in and read, eventually, someone will appreciate you for you.

I growl under my breath as my fingers fly over the keys. I don't want to wait around for that, or I'll be a virgin forever.

You're not exactly a virgin. You've given handies.

I can imagine Dex's smirk, and I scoff at my phone. An ass virgin. My dildo won't do it forever.

Holy shit, did I really type that? But I'm fed up enough to let it all hang out.

You have a dildo? I thought I knew everything about you. This has got to be a new development since I moved out.

My stomach flip-flops. Maybe.

Whoa, you are definitely upping your game.

I groan inwardly. My mistake. I should've never told you.

No, this is good. Really good. Does this dildo have a name?

I blink at the screen. Who the fuck names their dildo?

Plenty of people. How about Dildo Baggins?

I look over my shoulder as if someone is going to read our conversation. Or really think I'm into Tolkien and hobbits. What the hell?

Come on, you've gotta admit, it's pretty catchy.

I briefly shut my eyes. Okay, done with this conversation.

Not if you're serious about me teaching you my ways.

Alright, fine. Meet me at the dining hall later. Maybe eating will give me a clearer head and I'll come to my senses.

Though I'll admit, the excitement from Kael's idea is building inside me.

That's why I'm taking this conversation with a grain of salt.

Good idea. I blow out a relieved breath.

Talk to you and DB later.

You're an ass.

That's what Dildo Baggins said.

I smile to myself as I remove my Bean Necessities apron and wait for Evie to take my place.

Is there anyone else who's ever made me blush and laugh as much as Dex?

This might be a cringy mistake, but I'm desperate.

At the dining hall, Kael and I claim seats with Angelica and her friends. I forgot to get a drink, so I stand in line near the soda dispenser to wait my turn.

"Hey, you."

I turn to find Darren and Trent heading toward the pizza station. He hasn't sat beside me in class since that one day because the chair's been occupied by a girl who moved up front to see the whiteboard better. It's a blessing, really, since I still get a bit flushed and shy around him, even knowing he's taken. Just how it is.

I smile and wave, grateful that I don't have to speak. Pathetic.

After I sit back down, I listen in on Kael's conversation with the others, wondering how people do it so effortlessly. It's overwhelming to even think of something interesting to say in a group setting with strangers. I do way better one on one, and obviously, with people I'm not attracted to. Not that I'm into anyone at this table, but it's not that simple when it comes to me and my hang-ups. I might be awkward around cute guys, but I'm also painfully shy and introverted. So yeah, a double whammy. Go me.

I pull up a Kindle book on my phone and flip to the page where I left off last night. I've already finished the friends-to-lovers book with the speed of light and have moved on to the second in the series involving coworkers who hate each other. Or so they think.

"What are you reading?" Angelica's friend, Luna, asks.

"Oh, um, a romance." I have trouble meeting her eye.

It's not that I'm embarrassed to be reading a romance. I didn't feel that way when Everly first approached me, mostly because he seemed genuinely interested in finding books to read, and also, even though he's cute, he's not really my type.

"What kind of romance?" Luna asks, and I groan inwardly. It's uncomfortable explaining romance to people who don't understand the genre and have preconceived notions about it. Except for Everly, who always asks me for the smuttiest suggestions. Not that all romance is smutty. It's pretty diverse, really.

"It's a Victoria Paige book from her Forever series."

"What's it about?" She seems interested, so I indulge her by reciting the premise of the book.

"Is there sex in these books?" Luna asks.

"Yep, but in varying degrees from closed door to full-on graphic."

Her eyes widen. "I've been missing out, then."

I laugh. "It's really all about the romance for me. I can take or leave the sex."

Okay, I'm telling a little white lie. I do enjoy all the sexual tension.

"If you're gay, why do you read straight romance?"

It's not a bad question. But again, preconceived notions.

"I read all kinds. I'm more interested in the characters and story arc, not necessarily their gender or sexuality."

"Makes sense." Luna smiles. "I like that. Maybe I'll download the first book."

My gaze snags on a familiar figure walking across the room. Brandon. I lose my train of thought as I watch him sit next to that same guy from the party. Are they a thing now? Or just friends who've reconnected?

"Are you okay?" Luna asks.

"Yeah, I…"

She follows my line of sight. "Oooh, do you have a thing for him?"

"No, not exactly." Except I totally do—or did. "Just acted like a fool and embarrassed myself in front of him."

"You did not," Kael interjects. "Stop being so hard on yourself."

"He's right," Angelica pipes in. "From what Kael tells me, you're a great guy. Give yourself a break. It'll happen naturally."

God, I hate that advice. It has never happened naturally for me.

When Brandon's gaze meets mine, I look away. Not only because I'm annoyed. I just can't handle the scrutiny after that whole disaster.

When I think enough time has passed, I lift my head, only to find Dex heading our way with Milo.

"You have a nice smile," Luna says. "You should show it more."

I didn't even realize I was smiling. But it makes sense. I'm happy to see Dex.

"It's easy with friends."

Dex gives me a one-arm hug from behind. He's always been touchy-feely, but since our recent conversations, I'm noticing it more—how he interacts, talks, touches.

Which is good since I did ask him to teach me his ways.

God, what am I thinking? I've never been an affectionate person, and neither have my parents. On the other hand, I want to be touched so badly that I'm a hot mess.

Dex shoves his butt in between Kael and me while Milo goes to stand in line for food.

"What's happening, people?"

He's so friendly, open, and charming that several girls reply to him at once.

My gaze slides back to my book and the rest of my food. I've been through enough of these social situations with Dex that I'm comfortable tuning him out.