Chapter 3

Chapter 3

That is not me. Kate stared at her reflection in her dresser mirror, examining her face feature by feature but, although her nose was still pert and her eyes green, she did not recognize her true self. She had a new air about her, an unpleasant one. A dark storm cloud hung over her head, one she could not shake off however hard she tried. It had been there for two long months, growing larger, swallowing her up whole. Kate could not do anything to stop it as it consumed her. She could only watch it destroy her cheerful spirit, her dreams of the future.

Everything was out of her control and had been for two months. That collision had ruined everything. If only she could go back to that moment and do anything to change it, anything to make sure she was not caught up in heartbreak here.

Kate's eyes drowned in tears, surrounded by the dark puffiness that came from crying too much and not sleeping enough. She reached up and touched her cheek, trying to see if that deathly pale complexion really did belong to her. Of course, it did. It did not matter if Kate had become a stranger to herself, that was her all the same.

When she thought back to the hopeful, na?ve, yet happy girl she was two months ago at the ball in her pale blue dress, dancing in giddy excitement, swimming in true love, believing that she was going to live out a happy ever after, Kate longed for that version of herself. She was certain she could not return to that person. That girl had died in the carriage collision, and this new stranger had taken her place. A hollow, empty woman with no future ahead of her.

"Who are you?" she whispered, her voice cracking with sadness. "What shall become of you? Who will you be?"

Since the one attempt to walk in the garden had not gone well and had left Kate absolutely exhausted, she had not tried it a second time. It mattered not if the doctor was disappointed with her for not succeeding. Kate did not believe that anything else could be asked of her. She could not continue with that torture.

It seemed that even the promise of warm air and birds tweeting was not enough to move her. The misery had won out in the end.

Life outside of her bedchamber had proven hard and unpleasant. Kate's existence inside her room was not much better, but at least it was a place she could be alone. She could explore hobbies she had always enjoyed, such as watercolor painting or reading, and even ones she had not attempted before. Although she had not enjoyed mixing herbal remedies, and she was not as good at painting fans as she wished to be. Although she had very much enjoyed embroidering. That was something she might like to do more often. No one could witness her heartbreak or see her falling apart in the worst way possible.

"I have no reason to leave this room again." Kate could no longer stand to stare at herself. The reflection looking back at her was starting to become distorted and strange, for she had been looking so long. "There is nothing outside of here."

She forced herself to her feet and shuffled, limping, away from her dressing table and to the chaise longue beneath her chamber window. Here she lowered herself into the cushions with a sigh of pain, and stared unseeingly at the ash tree growing outside.

The most painful thing was the halt in Kate's life. She was not supposed to be here any longer, but should have been living in Fairbridge with Douglas, her duke, the man she expected to marry. They had been so close to their mutual happiness; she'd almost had everything that she wanted and so much more...but it had all vanished. That one night took everything away. Not just herself, but all the good things that were about to come her way.

She had been shocked when her engagement was called off; it stunned her to the core, and had knocked her off-kilter even more than the carriage collision itself. When the letter arrived, ending her engagement, Kate lost even more of herself than before. It also hurt more. But as time passed, Kate supposed she could not blame him. Why would a bachelor as eligible as Douglas wish to wed a cripple? No one could want that for a wife, least of all him. Once he knew the extent of Kate's injuries, the duke sent word that he no longer wished to marry her.

She often wished that he had been brave enough to come and speak with her face-to-face, to have that conversation so she could have seen the look in his eyes and perhaps understand him better...But perhaps that would have been even more heartbreaking.

Well, now she would never know. It was done. Over.

Kate turned her head away from the window, trying to distract herself with movement. In the dressing table mirror, she saw her bottom lip trembling with emotion. She did not want to cry over that horrible situation any longer, but the wound was still wide open and raw, agonizing, and very sensitive. Kate could not heal that wound; only time might offer her succor. But how long would she have to wait?

Just like the pain in her leg, the pain in her heart was not going anywhere. Douglas had destroyed her. No one needed to tell Kate that everyone kept talking about the ending of the engagement; she just knew tongues would wag over such a scandal. If she allowed herself, she could simply imagine what was being said, which harmed her even more. The tears and the puffy eyes were caused more by the Duke of Fairbridge than the accident itself. The heartbreak and mental anguish that came with the end of the engagement did not aid Kate with her recovery.

With no wedding to get better for and no future to think of, how could she ever consider leaving her room?

Sure, there were other things she could do with her life. In her more positive moments, she decided that if she were to be a spinster, she would throw herself more into her charity work. If she could not have children herself, at least she could help to improve the lives of orphans more. It might not be the fairy tale ending she so desired, but at least she could make something of her life.

But it was not always easy to remain positive and to focus on the good. Such as now.

Kate did not even realize that she was weeping again as she stared out at pigeons on the sill. She was not even aware that she had any tears left in her body, for she had cried so much. Suddenly, an unladylike snort exploded from her, and the pigeons flew off. She truly was stuck here. No duke in the whole of London would want a cripple for a wife, never mind a cripple who had been abandoned in an embarrassingly public scandal, so there was nothing she could do. She could not even attend another Season with her leg problems and the gossip surrounding her. Kate's future held nothing. Part of her wondered if there was any point in living at all.

Sobs wracked her body and vibrated in her chest, slicing her heart with increasing pain. She howled loudly, not even worrying about anyone hearing her. She had been all but forgotten anyway. No one seemed to know what to do with her now; they simply left her alone to struggle through the thick dark cloud shrouding her, consuming her whole.

Knock, knock, knock. The sound was slow, yet deliberate. Kate snapped her head up and looked toward her bedroom door, wondering who was here to see her. Knock, knock. She did not want to answer, she wished to be alone. Knock, knock, knock.

"Katherine it is me." It was her mother, Lavinia, the Duchess of Ridgebrook. "May I come in to speak with you?"

Kate sighed but knew that she did not have any choice in the matter. If her mother required to see her then she would have to comply, even if all she wanted to do was cry until every tear had dried up. "Yes, please come in."

Her mother looked uncertain as she stepped inside. Immaculate, of course, with a lovely gown on and her strawberry blonde hair twisted up into a complicated-looking chignon, but uncomfortable, nonetheless. She acted as though it was her first time inside the bedchamber and she did not know how to act. Typical, this was why Kate had always found it easier to speak with her brother about everything. Her parents did not seem to know how to deal with emotions, making this period of their lives extremely challenging for them all. Kate might have laughed if she were not in such a dark place.

"May I sit down?" Kate nodded and pointed toward her bed. Lavinia did not look comfortable with her seat choice, but she did what was requested of her. "I would love to know how you are, Katherine. Doctor Andrews said you are well."

Kate resisted the urge to snort with derision. She might have been out of society for a while now, but she had not totally forgotten her manners. "Doctor Andrews is simply pleased that I am alive. That is why he thinks I am doing well."

"We are all lucky to have escaped that accident alive," Lavinia reminded her daughter. "It could have ended terribly. When I think back to that moment..." She shuddered. "It was awful."

Kate looked away; she could not stand to look at Lavinia as she said this because Kate was the only person who had not been taken out of the carriage collision whole, like she was before. She was totally alone with that feeling. There was no way her mother or father could understand the emotions that she was constantly experiencing.

They had stepped away from the carriage with a few bumps and a story to tell. They had walked right back into the life that they had before.

Kate would never walk in her old shoes again.

"Katherine, you are a beautiful young woman," Lavinia continued gently, "at the prime of your life, with your whole future stretched in front of you. You cannot remain hidden in your bedchamber forever. You do have life, and you should take advantage of that." Kate said nothing, so her mother continued, "You will never recover fully being stuck in here. That is what has been communicated to me by Doctor Andrews. He would like you to attempt being mobile once more."

"I did try!" Kate exploded. "Just because you did not see it, it still happened. I tried to walk with the cane and it did not work. Nancy will confirm as much if you have no belief in me. The walking stick made it no easier for me. It did not work out."

Lavinia paused for only a moment as she took this in before she continued trying to persuade Kate to see the positives in life. "One time will never be enough. These things take persistence and work. Doctor Andrews said the same thing."

"Doctor Andrews does not understand how much I have been trying," Kate declared. She would have loved to hide her frustration, but it was becoming overwhelming. Her mother was supposed to be on her side. "I shall inform him when he comes to see me next, if we must keep up his needless visits..."

She turned away, hoping her mother would take the hint and leave her alone so she could continue to be miserable in peace, but unfortunately, that did not happen. Lavinia was not done with Kate just yet.

"You must move on from what happened, Katherine. I understand your worries..." Lavinia tried, but Kate would not hear it.

"You cannot," Kate argued. "You do not have everyone talking about you as I do. You are not an embarrassment with a strange reputation which will ensure that no one ever wants to know you."

"You should not worry about what the ton think." Lavinia sighed heavily, sadly, a little heartbroken herself. "You should not worry what anyone thinks. Your recovery is far more important than the opinions of other people. London society should have better things to talk about."

Now that was a statement that Kate could agree with; everyone should have had better things to discuss, but thus far they had proven they did not. They would not until a scandal even more exciting came along.

Even then they would still remember. These were not people who forgot anything quickly.

"We shall start with tonight," Lavinia declared, finally rising to her feet to end the conversation, unfortunately not on the note Kate would have liked. "We have guests coming for dinner, and your presence will be required."

"I do not think any guests wish to see me. You and Father will have a better time without me there."

"This is not up for debate. You are to come down for dinner. I am giving you fair warning to prepare yourself."

Kate grew angry. The cold, hollow feeling that had been swimming around inside her for far too long transformed into a bubbling, burning rage. She wanted to scream and yell, to let everything out, but her mother had gone before she could. Lavinia had perhaps sensed the storm coming and snuck out of the room so she did not have to feel the brunt of it.

Kate was alone and emotional again. Only this time, it was almost worse because she had something terrible looming in the near future. Informing her of guests coming tonight was not fair warning. Not these days. How was Kate going to get dressed, mentally prepared, and able to use her walking cane in time for that? It was utterly overwhelming.

Thank goodness she had Nancy to assist her. Her maid would also not be pleased with everything that needed to happen before this evening, but she would hide it much better than Kate. Then again, she was not the one who needed to be polite and mannerly in front of guests she did not want to see, so perhaps it was easier for her to keep her spirits high.

"Why would any guest want to spend time with me?" she pouted to herself. "And why did Mother not say who it was?"

For one heart-stopping moment, she imagined Douglas coming to visit her with his hands outstretched wide. The words she had so desperately wanted to hear from him falling out of his mouth.

"Oh, Lady Katherine. I made such a terrible mistake. How could I have been so cruel and foolish? How could I have let you slip through my fingers like you did? It does not matter to me that you shall never walk again. I love you too much for that. I simply wish for you to be my wife."

That silly romantic fantasy had plagued Kate ever since she first got word that Douglas no longer wanted to marry her. A message he decided to send forth, he did not come to her himself and do her the honor of coming to her face. But this time as she thought of it, the idea filled her with disgust.

She was not sure she would want Douglas anymore. Not when she knew that he could be so cruel.

"My father would not give me a choice in the matter," she told herself wryly. "He will do anything to marry me off now, so I no longer have to be his problem. Especially if it is a duke."

But Kate knew that she would not be able to look at Douglas in the same star-struck way that she once did. She would always be tinged with the knowledge that she was not quite good enough...

It would not be him anyway. Of course, it would not be Douglas. Why would she even think that? No, it was much more likely to be friends of her parents who she had absolutely no interest in at all. A total bore and a waste of her time.

She would be better off not leaving her bedchambers at all.