Chapter 26

Chapter 26

Redfield's was a welcome sight. William absolutely needed a drink tonight more than ever before. More than one, actually; he needed to sink a lot of drinks to try and block out the terrible news that he had received today. The London Times was often flooded with gloom and doom. He did not read the newspaper to cheer himself up, but this had been one of the worst things that he had ever seen. Even now, he could not believe it. He did not want to believe it.

Yet he had seen it. More than once. He had witnessed the article over and over again, even though it felt like he was being stabbed in the chest. Just so he could really be sure that it definitely was over. And it was.

"It does not matter," he tried to tell himself quietly. "Since Lady Katherine could never be mine anyway."

He just did not expect her to move on to another gentleman so fast. The fact that she was already engaged to some pompous idiot with a flashy title suggested that he was in the picture long before the kiss they shared at the ball. The kiss that he had been agonizing himself over, even after Jonathan came to visit him, to warn him away from his sister.

He was stupid, utterly foolish. He had gotten caught up yet again in a love story that was never meant to be. How could he still not see it even a second time around? With Lady Gillian, he could blame his mistakes on youth and naivety, but he should know better now. There was no excuse for getting entangled in a hopeless situation again.

But that was going to be his final time. He would never get mixed up like that again. Ever. His heart was closed off forever now. There was a thick brick wall around it and nothing could ever tear it down ever.

William stormed into Redfield's under a dark cloud of sadness, and he headed straight for the bar to get himself a drink. He was not particularly planning to socialize with anyone, he just wanted to sulk alone. But Nathaniel was at their usual corner table and was not one to leave William stewing in sadness all by himself. He called him over immediately.

"What is the matter with you?" he asked loudly, already having had one too many to drink himself. "You have a long face."

William ignored his friend and rolled his eyes. He sat down behind the mahogany table and took his much-needed first sip. He fully intended to drink until Nathaniel's questions did not bother him any longer. He wanted to sink booze until Lady Katherine's face was no longer totally consuming his brain, but that was practically impossible. To be honest, all of this had really brought up Lady Gillian as well, so he had the both of them plaguing his thoughts. Not ideal.

Rejection and heartbreak. That might as well have been the story of his whole sorry life.

"All right, fine, you do not wish to share your problems. That is fine by me. I have some gossip for you anyway..."

Nathaniel started to talk. He talked so much that William was not sure there was any end to the story being told, but he did not care. He was not listening enough for any of it to sink in, and it saved him having to contribute to the conversation. How could he speak about nothing more than silliness when the love of his life had slipped through his fingers.

He should not love Lady Katherine, it was ridiculous to still have those feelings when she was going to marry someone else and probably never cared about him in the first place, but he simply could not switch them off. However furious the feelings made him, and right now he might as well have been swallowed up in flames he was so full of rage.

"I need another drink," William growled angrily while banging his glass down on the table. Luckily, he had been friends with Nathaniel long enough for him not to be bothered by his behavior. "And perhaps some female company."

"Are you saying that I am not enough?" Nathanial tossed his head back and laughed loudly. "Although I understand what you mean. Female company would be nice. Is there anyone here that catches your eye?"

William glanced around, disgusted with himself for immediately slipping back into his old ways, but what else could he do? If he was never to be in love with anyone then that did not mean he needed to remain lonely forever. Even if meeting women who he saw no future with was not what he particularly wanted anymore, it did not matter. He had no choice.

There were no willing women in Redfield's just yet. None that caught William's eye anyway, but he did not mind. There was still plenty of time for that to change. As the hours dragged on, the women would enter, and the drunker and more agreeable he might become. It was probably better to wait a while anyway. William did not want Lady Katherine in his mind. He did not wish to accidentally say something aloud to embarrass himself. There was nothing worse than a man bleating on about his failed love life.

"I am not ready to leave you quite yet," William chuckled, but there was no mirth behind the sound. Just bitterness. "Let us have a few more drinks together first. But as soon as a beautiful, willing woman walks through that door, I will have to leave you behind."

Nathaniel raised his glass to that. He was not about to be offended by some beautiful woman getting in the way of their evening. Especially since they were going to have a whole lot of fun along the way. William started by calling over the waiter to order a few more rounds of drinks, starting the day as he meant to go on. He was not feeling any better about Lady Katherine being engaged to some marquess or another, but it was better being here with Nathaniel rather than at home wallowing in self-pity alone. He had done enough of that today. Now was the time to let himself have fun...

***

It was after midnight by the time William found himself staggering through the halls of Embleton Manor, very drunk and very much still by himself. Although he had not been by himself all day long. There were many hours in which he had the company and a blonde widow who definitely wanted to fall into bed with him. Yet that had not happened. For some reason...

Why did he not take her to the townhouse? Was that not the entire reason he spent his whole day in the city? He had clearly failed himself.

"Urgh, what a state." William did not bother to try and make it to his bedroom. Instead, he collapsed on the couch and held his head in his hands as he attempted to remember the events of the evening in the correct order. Why that was important, he had no idea, but he knew he needed it sorted. He had to work out why he was so alone and, even worse, so lonely. "What on earth did I do? I should not be this foggy."

Redfield's was only part of the day. He shared far too many drinks with Nathaniel there before heading on to one of London's more disreputable clubs. Was Nathaniel with him? He thought he might have been for a while. But it was at the club where he met Victoria with the red dress and wavy hair who made an immediate beeline for him. She knew that William was who she wanted, and she did not intend to take no for an answer. That was perfect for William; it took no effort on his part.

They drank for a while and talked a little, not that William could recall anything they had discussed during that time. It was a blur. The only thing he could recall doing was inviting her to leave the club with him. To go to his lodgings. And they did go there, William was sure of it. He could clearly remember that...so, what went wrong?

Why was he here at the manor? This was utterly ridiculous.

"Huh," he scoffed. Did he even need to really ask himself what had gone wrong? Even with very little memory, he could be sure it had something to do with the terrible news of the engagement. It did not matter how much he drank, he could not totally block all of that out. It kept haunting him sporadically through the evening. He had found it surprisingly simple to push any thoughts of Lady Gillian out the way once he had a couple of drinks in his system, but then she was not really the issue anymore, was she? It was all Lady Katherine.

William sighed heavily as he rested his head back on one of the couch cushions and stared up at the ceiling. He hated that he could not lose himself in Victoria tonight. He had dismissed her without even a second thought, then immediately left his lodgings. Even being in that building hurt him as a reminder of who he did not wish to be any longer.

"Was I rude?" he asked himself aloud. "When I dismissed Victoria? What did I say?"

He could not recall any yelling, any arguing, but with how foggy his brain had become it was hardly a surprise. William did hope that he was not rude to Victoria though, since none of this was her fault. She just got mixed up in this mess for a moment, nothing more. She had wanted a night of mindless fun to forget about her own issues, and William had not been able to provide it. He had sent her on her way, and left her probably very confused.

Almost as if it wanted to torment him further, when William turned onto one side, he could see the London Times sitting there, begging to be read again. William did not want to, he could recite the announcement off by heart, but his hands had taken on a life of their own as they reached out to grab the pages.

"The Marquess of Fairbridge," William spat out angrily. "What a fine gentleman he must be."

William had no idea who this man was, nor did he have any interest in him other than him taking away the woman that he loved. Much as he was horrified by the whole situation, what he really wanted to happen was for Lady Katherine Langley to find happiness at the end of it all. She had been through so much already, and it weighed on her; he could see it. The carriage accident had plagued her a lot, it had sucked away her self-confidence, and William hoped that whoever she ended up married to would show her the sort of love in life that she deserved. Even if it could not be with him, he wanted her to be happy.

Perhaps it was better for it to be with some marquess who could give her a fancy sort of life with no scandal attached to her name; maybe being married to him would have been a chore for her that only brought her down further. But as he lay across his couch with far too much alcohol careening through his system, no woman to distract him, and the engagement announcement clutched between his fingers, William knew with absolute certainty that no one would love her quite like he could.

"I should have behaved myself," he said sadly, his words slurring ever so slightly. "I never should have gone anywhere near Lady Gillian. I should have waited until the time was right, and the woman was perfect for me. Now I will always be this. Jonathan was right to warn her against me. I would do the same thing if Imogen found herself in the same position."

He bolted upright, suddenly remembering that his mother and Imogen were staying at the manor, despite the fact that his birthday party was long over. That was why he intended to go to the townhouse, so he did not disturb anyone. Nor did he want his mother to see him like this and yell at him...but after a few moments of stark silence, he realized that no one else was coming for him. He had managed to keep very much to himself. Thank goodness.

If his mother knew what he had been up to today, it would be yet another disappointment. He had been trying hard to make her proud of him, especially while she was here, but this engagement had really knocked him off-kilter. He could no longer be accountable for his actions.

The idea of living alone forever in his manor truly did sicken William. It was a horrible thought that nearly broke him. A sob choked in his chest, made it challenging for him to breathe, and nearly caused sick to spill passed his lips.

William needed to sort himself out now, to become a better man, but it was challenging to think that he could without someone there to motivate him. Was there even any point if Lady Katherine was out of his reach? Would it be easier to sink deeper into this hole until there was absolutely none of him left?

"I cannot lie here and cry," he told himself as fiercely as he could manage, to force himself upright. "I cannot have Mother and Imogen catch me here. I cannot have them see me as...as..." He practically fell off the couch in his haste to get up. He was definitely too drunk to be at the manor. He should have stayed at the townhouse even if he had to do so alone. "As a fool. As someone so weak they cannot rely on me any longer."

But he was a fool. A massive fool. He did not feel like he was strong enough to be trusted with anything. Not with Lady Katherine engaged to be another man's wife.

He was pathetic. Drunk and pathetic, and he knew it. This time, when he locked his heart away, he would have to ensure that it was never set free again. He would shut it in a box and throw away the key.