Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Tension clung to the air as the carriage took William away from his estate to the seaside resort where he was to meet Marcus to see how his construction work was progressing. It was a trip that had been planned ever since he had that conversation with Nathaniel at Redfield's. Of course, he had not been expecting the family visit when he made this plan. He certainly was not expecting his mother to insist on coming along with Imogen in tow when he told her about it.

Yet, here he was, sitting across from his mother and Lady Imogen, traveling in stilted silence. Why they had not wanted to wait at the manor for him to return, he could not understand. His mother insisted that she was terribly busy planning this party for him, but she had chosen to come on this trip rather than stay behind. He had a terrible feeling it was distrust that brought her along. He was not the respected gentleman he had once been, and she needed to keep an eye on him while she could.

It saddened William to think about how he must look in his mother's eyes. It left a vice-like grip around his heart. Not only did she no longer have any reason to be proud of him, but she was possibly ashamed as well. The low blow of Lady Gillian's rejection had changed him in every single way, in the worst ways. It was a tragedy. Truly. The way he had fallen apart like that.

The rejection was not even the main issue anymore. It was everything that he had done since. He could tell his mother no longer saw him as the man he used to be and that caused him a considerable amount of pain.

This was yet another woman he wished he could change his past for.

He parted his lips, about to say something, anything, to his mother. He wanted to tell her that perhaps he had not been ready for the responsibility when he first became earl. That it happened at a young age, while he was still in the midst of terrible grief ever since losing his father. He wished he could express how lost he felt when Gillian betrayed him so cruelly, and how he had never quite found himself since that moment. He even wanted to tell his mother that he was looking for a way to turn things around. That he had met a woman who made him want to be a better person…but that he was not quite sure where to start.

He wished she would find a way to help himself, if that were even possible.

But the words simply would not come. He had never been open and honest about his feelings, especially not with his mother and sister. After all, he was the man at the head of the family now. He had to be strong for them all. Revealing that he had any vulnerability would not be wise. Nor would it make his mother proud again. It was too late for that.

Instead, it was much easier for him to turn away and watch the view fly by. There was nothing else that could be done. No way he could change his roguish behavior now, nothing that could change the past. His mother would not know how to improve his future either. She had been hidden away in Bath, away from London society, for far too long.

The carriage ride continued, shrouded under the same level of tension until finally, the family arrived at their destination. By Marcus's seaside cottage, they climbed out of the carriage to be greeted by Marcus, Gemma, Tristan, and Emily and their giant smiles. Each and every one of them appeared pleased to receive William with his family alongside him.

"How nice to have you here," Marcus called out in a friendly tone. "Come inside. Let us get you some tea."

William spent some time introducing his mother and sister to Gemma and Emily, making sure that they were comfortable with their new companions, before the women went inside for tea. That was not really an invitation for William because Marcus was far too keen to take him around the construction site. Luckily, that was what William came for, too. He relished the idea of a break from the women in his life anyway, to just be with his friends for a little while. That family tension was getting to be too much.

He had come to the seaside to get some space from his life, and thankfully, that was now what he had.

"Show us what you are working on then," William declared while patting his friend on the back. "I am very excited."

Marcus impressed his friends with his vision as he took them around the site and let them see everything that he had been working on. From the way that things were going, his vision would become a reality in roughly two years' time. It made William wish that he had something to work on which he was so passionate about. Certainly, his business was always going strong, and he consistently made sure to keep on top of things, but he certainly wasn't excited about it like Marcus was about his Southend-On-Sea resort.

William eyed him jealously as Marcus spoke, seeing him as a man who really did have it all. Not just the resort and the work that he loved, but a happy home life as well. A woman who loved him, who he loved back just as fiercely. After Gillian, William promised himself he would never look for that again. He thought he did not need to seek it out. His business gave him and his family everything they needed, his mistresses kept his bed warm when he wished them to, he could have fun whenever he wanted to at Redfield's...and he had been living his life as if that was fulfilling. Only now, he was not so sure.

Again, as always, he found his mind wandering back to Lady Katherine Langley. A response had come back to him accepting the party invitation, which had him very excited but also a little unsure about what was to come next. Bumping into her spontaneously in the middle of the streets of London was one thing, but a planned meeting was quite another. Was William ready for it? He sincerely hoped so.

Of course, there was always the dark cloud of Jonathan, but the man would have to behave himself in a gentlemanly fashion at a ball. Particularly one held by William's family to celebrate his birthday. Any misbehavior would only reflect terribly on the Langley family, and Jonathan would not like that.

Eventually, the tour of the construction site was over and it was time to return back to the cottage where some lunch, a simple spread of meat, bread, and cheeses, had been prepared for everyone. William's stomach rumbled. He had not realized how hungry he was until that moment.

"Are you all right?" William asked his mother and Imogen before they took their seats. "I'm sorry we took such a long time. There is so much to see. Marcus has quite a project on his hands. But he is doing rather well."

As his mother smiled at him, William was pleased to see that some time with Emily and Gemma had helped her to relax. Even Imogen appeared slightly less sullen, which was something of a miracle. She had not shaken from that mood the entire time she had been in London. It had him baffled. "We have had a lovely time. I have been telling everyone about the details of your birthday ball. It is promising to be quite an event. If everything continues to go as well as it has been, then we are looking toward the party of the year. That is what I am wishing for, at any rate."

"It truly does sound wonderful," Gemma agreed whole-heartedly. "I am truly excited for it."

"Oh, me too," Emily agreed, just as enthusiastically. "The food, the music, the dancing…"

As everyone around the table jumped into a discussion about their favorite music to dance to, William thought only of Lady Katherine. Of course, who else would he be thinking of? There truly was no one else anymore. He wondered what sort of gown she would wear and how soon he would be able to dance with her. Would he wish to dance with her immediately? Or wait until later on in the evening so he did not rush the chance, leaving him with nothing else to look forward to? It was quite the dilemma. He darted back and forth between choices until finally, Marcus noticed he was not mentally in the room.

"William, you should be very grateful to your mother," Marcus said firmly, preventing him from daydreaming any longer. Since William was not the typical daydreamer, Marcus probably assumed he had a hangover instead. "She has worked terribly hard for you. It seems to me that the whole of London's ton shall be in attendance. What a thrill. We are all thoroughly looking forward to it."

"The whole of London?" His mother had not told him the size of the party. Or perhaps she had. He had not listened much to the details since there was really only one person he wished to see. But he did not wish to cause a scene and ruin such a lovely day. He supposed it did not matter if there were many people there to celebrate his birthday. "Yes, it shall be fun."

He caught Imogen's eyes across the table and noticed how pleased she looked by the mention of so many guests. Even if this party was going to be for him, it seemed that he would have to chaperone his sister and keep an eye on her. The failure of her Seasons had not put her off the idea of seeking out a potential husband while she was in the big city.

"Will there be many eligible ladies in attendance?" Emily asked William's mother. "For the single gentlemen?"

William fixed his gaze on his plate, suddenly incredibly fascinated at the food on offer there. He still felt the burning of all eyes upon him, though. He could try and hide away, but there was nowhere to avoid everyone.

"I have ensured that the guest list includes a wide range of guests," his mother replied diplomatically. "I am sure there will be plenty of eligible ladies and bachelors as well. It will be a night like no other. Perfect for the Earl of Embleton as he enters a new decade in life…his thirtieth year when perhaps it is time to take life a little more seriously."

This might have been a hint of sarcasm from his mother about his current lifestyle, since she had no idea how badly William wanted to change, but no one around the table appeared to take it that way. Everyone laughed happily at the good-natured joke. The words did strike a chord with William though, probably because it was something he had already been seeking. Maturity, a steadier foundation for himself, true happiness. Perhaps these were only desires that appeared to come along when he met Lady Katherine, but there had always been a part of him desperate to leave his roguish, empty lifestyle behind. It had been creeping up on him increasingly for a while now because none of it really made him happy...

Yet now, going into his thirtieth year of life, he finally felt like he could make that change at last. He had never felt much concern for his birthdays in the past, but his thirtieth was a good time for a fresh start. The perfect place for a new beginning. All he needed to do was put in the effort and start somewhere. Anywhere, really.

"I do not think I can see it," Marcus teased. "William with a wife and family."

"He does not have it in him," Tristan agreed with a laugh. "He is much too busy having fun."

William swiveled around to look at his mother, expecting her to have an upset outburst at these jokes, but much to his surprise, she was laughing along with everyone else. Imogen too. Perhaps he was the one who was not proud of himself, and the shame did not come from his family after all. Was he the one creating all the tension here?

Well, if he was, then he had his starting point at last when it came to change. He would be better for his mother and sister. He would stop the tension and make things better. At least, that would be something.

"One day, a woman will catch my son's eye," William's mother declared. "And then everything shall change. If a marriage is not created for convenience, and love is the request, then it is all about timing."

William fixed his eyes on his mother, wondering where this had come from. It seemed he was not the only one intrigued by this slightly mysterious remark.

"It sounds like you know something about this," Emily commented with a soft smile. Her words stunned William, but then she had no reason to skate around subjects the way he felt like he should. "Have you seen something like this happen?"

"Seen it? I have experienced it, with my own husband."

A hushed silence fell over the table. William caught hold of his breath nervously. As far as he was aware, his mother had not mentioned his father even one time since his passing because of the pain it caused her. He had always tiptoed carefully around the subject, never directly addressing it, but now it seemed that was all about to change.

He did not know how to feel about it.

As he caught Imogen's eyes, it seemed she was unsure herself. So, this was not the sort of thing that was discussed regularly at home. For some reason, that made his heart race a whole lot quicker.

"The earl was not what I would call a respectable gentleman when I first met him." William watched in shock and awe as his mother grew misty-eyed. "He was not a terrible man, by any means, and his reputation was not in tatters, but despite his title he was not necessarily thought of as the best option for marriage. You see, whispers suggested that he had a habit of kissing girls, without the intention of marrying them. Ladies who got carried away with the idea of getting wed, without much thinking about to whom."

William had never heard this about his father. He always found him to be rather stoic and in tune with London society's rules, but then he had only known him for a short time, had he not?

Perhaps there was this whole other side to him that William had never been given the pleasure to experience. He wished he had. That way, he might not feel quite such immense pressure to match up to someone he simply could not.

Rather than facing failure, William had simply never tried. Perhaps this knowledge beforehand would have changed things.

"I was, of course, utterly determined not to become one of those silly ladies blinded by his charm." The countess chuckled to herself. "But the more I tried to push him away, the more interested in me he became. The more I found myself thinking of him idly all the time. I simply could not get him off my mind."

Imogen gasped, echoing William's feelings exactly. It seemed like his own parents had been embroiled in a little love story of their own, and the romance of it affected him more than he expected.

"So, when the day came that he finally proposed to me, I told him absolutely not. I would not wed a man who was known to be such a rogue." There it was again, that sweet, misty-eyed smile. His mother might have been in the room physically, but mentally, she had returned to the old days with her wonderful husband beside her. "It surprised me when he was so honest with me about his behavior. I had to admit that was something I did not expect. If he had not been, though, I never would have agreed to become his wife. He told me that he may well have kissed a few women who he did not intend to marry, but that was before he met me. I changed him, that was what he said with his own words. I was the woman that he loved, and that had shifted something within him irrevocably. And that was the start of our happy ever after."

William slumped back in his chair and allowed this to soak in. Hearing this story was so much like the current situation that he found himself in, it was almost unreal. But at the same time, it was a relief to know that he was not the only person to find himself here in this mess. It also seemed that if he worked hard enough, there might be a way out of it...

He certainly did not think that he would learn so much upon his visit to Marcus. Certainly not anything about himself and his own family, but while everyone else around the table was thrilled to hear about this wonderful love story and had a lot of questions for William's mother, he could not say a word.

Somehow he needed all of this to sink in, to process what it meant, and how it would relate to him. If at all.

At one moment, his mother caught his eyes and he could almost sense the silent communication coming directly from her. He felt like she had not just told this story for the sake of it but because she wanted him to learn. There was a way out of the hole that he had dug for himself, however deep it ran.