Chapter 19

Nineteen

Sunday morning burned bright outside Gideon's apartment window. He awoke between his mates, sighing and stretching like a purring cat with a belly full of warm milk. Considering how much they'd tempted and tormented him the night before, he was full of something. He slid from the bed, trying not to wake either of them, but Joaquin's eyes opened almost immediately.

"Morning," Gideon whispered, smiling softly.

"Morning," Joaquin whispered back, sleep adding gruffness to his voice.

He smiled, but it didn't go all the way to his eyes. The night before hadn't been easy and Joaquin had seemed like a man on a mission after, driving them both hard with his intense need. Gideon wondered if he'd been so needy because he was unwilling to give up his jaguar and knew time was limited, but feared asking. He couldn't imagine being offered what he'd wanted most, but only if he handed over a vital part of himself. He wasn't sure he could make that choice.

It was heartbreaking.

Gideon pressed a kiss to Joaquin's lips, trailing his fingertips along the side of his mate's face. "Nature calls. I'll be right back."

Once he'd finished his morning ablutions, he washed his hands and gazed at his reflection in the mirror. Getting a few good nights of sleep had done him well, the dark circles that had grown under his eyes cleared some. And it was all because of Joaquin and Esau. He didn't know how they kept the nightmares at bay, but he was glad for it.

So was his sanity.

Was it too soon to ask them to move in permanently?

Of course it is. I've known them for a few days. I can't ask them that.

Yet he didn't want them to go, either.

Doubts plagued him. Did he want them to stay simply to avoid the nightmares or because he was ready to welcome them there permanently? He wasn't accustomed to having anyone in his space—he'd had few long-term relationships, and none had lived with him—but then, Joaquin and Esau weren't just anyone. They were his mates, fated to be at his side. Them being there felt right. Comfortable. How long did he have to wait before he could ask them to share his life?

If he did ask, what if they didn't want to call Salem home? He couldn't leave the coven behind, they had to realize that. The previous day, he'd sold the city on their little tour, and they'd seemed to enjoy themselves, but he'd not gotten a clear signal from either if they could consider it home one day, no matter how much he carefully fished for an answer. Esau planned to leave later that evening so he could prepare for work the following morning when he could've easily left from Salem on the early train. Joaquin was going with him.

When they'd mentioned it, his first instinct had been to suggest they stay, but he'd chickened out. Joaquin was already burdened with a massive decision. He might not have enough bandwidth to make another.

I won't add more stress to his life. Not now. He needs time to think.

The prospect of being alone shook him to his core. The loneliness he'd been drowning in the past months beckoned, and he couldn't face that again. Gideon returned to their bed and slipped back between them, aided by Joaquin. He captured Joaquin's lips, needing to feel wanted.

Needing the safety of their arms.

"Hey, can I get a piece of that?"

Gideon rolled to see Esau awake, watching them. "Sure thing," he whispered before getting another morning kiss.

Joaquin slid down Gideon's body, trailing kisses.

The rest of the morning was spent exploring. He learned every inch of them and they him. Slow, languid lovemaking only split by short naps between. They spent the day in bed, forgetting there was an outside world beyond, except the two times they had food delivered upstairs—which they ate in bed.

Their company was easy, their presence comfortable. It was as if they'd known one another their entire lives. They touched one another as if born to it, their skin longing to touch.

As the sun set, panic filled Gideon at having to spend another night alone. "Do you really have to go back to Boston?"

"I have work early," Esau murmured. "And my gear is in the hotel."

"The trains start early," Gideon whispered. "You could stay and leave from here."

Esau smiled. "And wake you up at some godawful hour? I'd rather you get your rest."

I won't sleep without you.Gideon opened his mouth to argue, but closed it, terrified of sounding too needy. He wasn't that person and to show desperation was troublesome. "Okay. If you must." He hedged, eyeing them both. "And when will I see you again?"

Esau cringed. "I don't know how late I'll be the next few nights. Taking a weekend off sometimes has consequences. If there's a backlog…" he sighed. "Hopefully there's no backlog. We can call once I get a handle on things." He glanced at Joaquin. "Although… you two could hang out without me."

"No," Joaquin spat with a force that unsettled Gideon.

Did Joaquin not want to be alone with him?

Esau narrowed his eyes at Joaquin. "There's nothing wrong with you and him sharing a night or two without me. It might be good for you two to have a little time."

Joaquin shook his head. "I won't be that far from you."

The look in the men's eyes spoke of a secret he still wasn't privy to. "Is there something I should know?"

Esau eyed him, and then Joaquin, as if asking permission. There was definitely something they hadn't told him—and Gideon sensed it was big.

"Nothing for you to worry about," Joaquin murmured.

Gideon's shoulders rose. "I feel like maybe I do."

"We left San Diego behind. Esau has no one to turn to if there's an emergency," Joaquin said.

"What kind of emergency?" Gideon asked. "Are you expecting one?"

Joaquin sighed. "No. But things happen every day. Accidents. Who knows?"

"Keeno,"Esau murmured softly, yet Gideon realized that Joaquin wasn't giving in. Joaquin's jaw hardened, his glare at Esau speaking volumes.

Gideon was once again on the outside looking in. Anger whipped into him, along with a hint of sadness. "You know, I think it might be a good idea if you went back to Boston for a few days, give us a chance to miss one another, hmm?" Gideon said, rising from bed. "Too much, too soon is never a good thing."

"Don't be like that," Joaquin said.

Gideon narrowed his eyes. "Like what?"

Joaquin sighed.

"Like what?"Gideon demanded.

"You might be right," Joaquin replied, also rising. "We should get out of your hair for a bit. Perhaps we overstayed our welcome."

You didn't.Gideon opened his mouth to argue, but closed it, not liking this new, clingy side to himself. Perhaps he was right after all, not just being a pouty brat. A couple of days apart would help remind him who he was—a strong, independent witch.

Esau looked between them, clearly confused. "What is happening right now?"

"You're going," Gideon said, crossing his arms over his chest. "You have work in the morning and Joaquin has to… go do whatever it is Joaquin does."

Esau sighed, shoulders slumping. He climbed from the bed, and both he and Joaquin pulled their clothes on and collected their few items. The whole time, Gideon wanted to scream, demanding they stay. Instead, he stood with his ruffled feathers, knowing full well he was likely making a mountain out of a molehill. Joaquin might have his reasons for sticking close to Esau, but why wouldn't he just say why?

Maybe because he really doesn't want to be alone with me and used Esau as an excuse.

That thought stung. Deep.

When they were ready to go, they hung by the door, watching him. The words were on his tongue, a plea for them to stay, but his wounded pride wouldn't allow him to say them. Esau crossed the room and stood in front of him.

"We'll see you soon, won't we?" he asked, his voice barely over a whisper.

Gideon's gaze flipped to Joaquin's and then back to Esau's. "Sure."

"I don't want to leave things like this."

"Like what?" Gideon asked, forcing a smile. "We're fine, are we not?"

Esau sighed. "Yeah." He pressed a kiss to Gideon's cheek and rose to his full height. He lifted Gideon's chin with one strong finger. "We will see you soon."

Gideon softened a bit, seeing reverence in Esau's eyes. "Yeah."

Esau smiled before he turned toward the door. Gideon followed him over to it, where Joaquin leaned against the frame. He gazed up at their shifter, unsure what to say.

"A little time away to get our heads straight is a good thing," Joaquin said. "But promise me one thing?"

Gideon lifted a brow.

"Stay inside the building, hmm? You're safe here. It'll put my nerves at ease knowing you're inside."

"Yeah, sure," Gideon agreed outwardly, railing against it inwardly.

Joaquin lifted his chin, narrowing his eyes. "Promise me."

Gideon frowned, more and more confused by the man's actions. "Why does it matter?"

"Promise,"Joaquin snapped.

"Fine," Gideon said just to get them out of his hair. "I promise."

Joaquin leaned down and captured his lips in a hungry kiss that only added to his confusion. He looked up in question as Joaquin pulled away, but he knew he'd not get an answer.

"See you soon," Joaquin whispered before they both departed.

After they left, the silence in the apartment was as deafening as a scream. Gideon glanced around the place, realizing it was forever changed after having them there with him. He plopped on the couch and stared at the door, willing the universe for them to return.

Of course, they didn't.

An hour passed and he tossed himself over to lie on the couch, tears burning his eyes. He'd spent three decades on his own, demanding the world see that he was a strong, confident, independent witch and there he lay, ready to cry over his mates leaving him alone.

"Buck up, Buttercup. You're not a fragile flower, so stop acting like one," he told himself.

A blockfrom Gideon's place, Esau turned his attention to Joaquin's poker-faced profile. "Are you going to tell me what just happened in there? There's no reason why you couldn't have stayed with him."

"Um… the Assassins?" Joaquin said. "Remember them? You might refuse me watching over you, but the hell if I'm going to be in Salem while you're in Boston, nearly an hour away from me."

"You should have told Gideon that," Esau said. "You saw how upset he was getting."

"He's already dealing with a Lucifer problem of his own. We can't add more onto his shoulders. We'll have to deal with our shit on our own," Joaquin paused, stilling Esau with a hand to his arm. He turned to eye Esau. "And it suddenly occurred to me as I was laying there… what if the Assassin's tracked us here? What if we've made him their target, too?"

"Gideon said the building is protected. Demon-proof."

"Exactly why I'm leaving to watch you. At least he has the wards and his coven to protect him. You don't."

"We could've at least warned him," Esau said.

"Maybe," Joaquin said. "But if we told him, then he would've wanted to help us instead of focusing on himself. He already has enough to worry about if Lucifer is watching. That's why I made him promise he'd stay inside, where it was safe." Joaquin sighed. "I can't be in two places at once. I already know you'd refuse me if I said you couldn't go to work tomo—" Joaquin paused, cocking his head at Esau's snarl.

"Fuck that," Esau said. "I'm not going to shut down my life because of a threat that may be coming."

"Exactly the reason why I made this call. You won't listen to reason and at least I know Gideon is somewhat protected there."

Esau searched for an argument to Joaquin's comment but came up short.

"Until we get a better handle on the Assassins issue, I'm staying close to you. We need to handle our shit and hope it hasn't already become a problem for Gideon," Joaquin said.

"Ifwe're being tracked. It's been a few weeks, and we've seen nothing."

"Maybe there's a magical solution. A spell that can tell us if we're being hunted."

"You just said you didn't want to involve Gideon," Esau said.

Joaquin sighed. "There are other covens in Salem. I can reach out to Annie and see if she might direct us to another. Gideon has enough on his plate. I refuse to add more."

Esau shook his head. Joaquin had a point, but he feared they were making a misstep.

"Once we know we're in the clear, we can come and apologize to Gideon. For now, I'd rather him be pissed at me and alive, versus…" Joaquin sighed. "We just found him. I won't lose him. We've both lost enough in this lifetime."

He glanced back toward Gideon's apartment, worry filling him. "Fine… but if we can't find another coven to help us, promise me that we'll go to Gideon's and ask. I won't have him lingering in limbo, wondering what just went wrong up there."

"We'll see."

Esau growled. "At the very least, we call Gideon and explain. Tell him to stay away until we know it's safe."

"Fine. We can do that. As long as he promises to listen… and keep his distance." Joaquin frowned. "I hate this as much as you do, but the thought that our carelessness might impact him? That kills me."

Esau sensed the war within Joaquin from the slight quiver to his voice in that final sentence. It allowed him some relief, knowing their mate was struggling with the decision, too. "Okay. But we handle this as quickly as we can. Agreed?"

"Agreed," Joaquin said.

He was still at odds when he took Joaquin's hand and marched to the train platform. Monday morning dawned, and Esau was completely out of sorts. The water for his shower wouldn't get hot enough. Shampoo stung his eye. He'd nicked his neck when he'd touched up his beard. There was a weird crease in his work pants. His cup of coffee tasted wrong.

They weren't where they belonged.

The hotel had never felt like home before, but it never needed to. Joaquin had always been his home.

Before they met Gideon. Now he had two men that occupied his heart and mind—and he was stretched between them, worry growing that they'd not find their way back to one another and feel whole again. He discarded the cup into the kitchenette sink and growled in frustration.

"What's wrong?"

"Coffee tastes like shit. Nothing has gone right this morning. It's not the way I wanted to start this day." He turned to where Joaquin cracked two eggs into a frying pan over a narrow two-burner stove. "Nothing feels right. Something's missing."

"Someone,"Joaquin said. "That's what you meant to say."

"Fine. Someone." Esau rested back on the counter eyeing the man he'd spent his entire adult life with. They had so much history, so much love, yet it amazed him how much Gideon already occupied his thoughts. "We don't belong here, Joaquin. We belong with him." He scrubbed his face with both hands. "We need to fix this mess and get back to him. The sooner the better."

"I said I would call first thing." Joaquin eyed his watch. "I won't call her at six in the morning, though."

Esau grumbled under his breath as Joaquin returned to his cooking. Esau watched him a moment, the glint from the magically imbued ring catching in the kitchen's light. He was still wearing it; had been ever since he'd taken it off in an attempt to shift. Joaquin hadn't been ready to talk about it that night, he'd sensed. They'd let it be, giving him the space to consider the weight of it all. "Hey… are you ready to talk about what happened this weekend?"

Joaquin's jaw tensed. "Which part?"

"The ring."

"Me finally being the man I was meant to be?" Joaquin asked.

"About what you're going to give up in order to have what you want," Esau said, knowing full well that Joaquin had realized what he'd been implying.

Joaquin looked over his shoulder, sadness in his eyes. "Nothing to talk about."

"I'd say you have a lot to talk about. Might make it easier to make a decision."

Joaquin flipped his eggs before turning his gaze to Esau's. "I doubt it would. It's an impossible choice. Either way, I'm fucked." He glanced back at the pan, shaking his head.

"Your jaguar is part of you. You're actually considering losing that?"

"I am," Joaquin snapped, his angry gaze flipping to Esau's.

Esau froze, sure that Joaquin's choice would be easier. "There are other ways…"

"Other ways to be a man? A surgery that's painful, which might not work correctly, where I will never truly feel what I experienced this weekend?" Joaquin flung the pan off the burner and turned off the heat, his shoulders bunched.

"I'm sorry… I just assumed…" you wouldn't give up that part of you.

"You assumed wrong," Joaquin spat, gaze on the counter. "How can I make this decision? Give up my animal spirit for my wildest desire?" He inhaled, cracking his neck. "When I was younger and hiding who I was in foster care, it would've been a no-brainer. Yes, make me a normal human so I don't have to live in fear of being found out. Now? I've accepted who I am. My animal is part of me." He eyed the ring. "I can feel him pacing when the ring is on, and it fucking sucks."

"You speak like you're two different beings, but you're one in the same. Two sides of the same coin."

Joaquin lifted his gaze and pinned Esau with it. "I will never be free to shift into my jaguar and live that truth out in the open. I will forever hide it away from the light of day. Hiding it from every human I walk past in the street." He offered a wry smile and lifted his hand with the ring facing Esau. "But with this magic, I can live another truth, as the man I am. I can love my mates the way I want, broken from the shackles I'm bound in."

Esau saw the pain in Joaquin's eyes. He moved closer and dragged the man into his arms. "I'm sorry. I didn't understand." He closed his eyes as Joaquin hugged him tight, once again feeling as if he couldn't see from that perspective.

"I'm sorry, too… I don't mean to take out my frustration on you."

Esau squeezed Joaquin closer. "I know this isn't easy. Vent away. I can take it."

"No reason for me to snap at you." He stepped back and gazed into Esau's eyes. "I love you, and I know you only want to help make a tough situation easier."

"I do," Esau murmured. "I love you."

He melted into Joaquin, wishing he could make everything better and frustrated he couldn't.

"I have an idea," Esau said, pulling back. "Why don't we go on a hunt tonight? It sounds like you've made your decision, so maybe we should allow your jaguar out before he's…" gone.

Joaquin searched his face. "It's too dangerous. The more we go out, the higher the probability that the Assassins find us."

"Maybe they should find us."

"What?"

"We've killed a lot of demons in our lifetime, why not them?" Esau asked, even as doubt lingered in his mind. "You say Gideon has his hands full, and maybe you're right, but maybe we don't need witches to help us. We stand and fight these bastards ourselves."

Joaquin eyed him, expressionless.

"I know you only ran to protect me. I know you hesitate now because of me. I'm stronger than you think, Keeno. Witch blood, remember?"

Joaquin lifted his chin and stared down his nose, still silent.

"Had it been you alone, you never would've run. You would've fought them. Right?"

Joaquin shook his head, crossing his beefy arms over his chest. "I ran because your abuela told us to."

"Had she not shown us the path, what would you have done?"

"I don't know," Joaquin answered. "I sat up all night in that hotel room, weighing our options, and none of them sounded good. Which is why I listened to your abuela."

"This is the place where we belong. There will be no more running," Esau said. "We stand and we fight." He smiled. "Killing more demons might send the Assassins a message that we're ready to face them."

Joaquin held his stare.

"Come on, Keeno. I know you. You're a fighter, not a runner, so let's do this."

"Do you even have a target in mind?"

"I might."

Joaquin snickered. "Holding out on me?"

Esau's face warmed. "You wouldn't let me come last time… and I don't like you going out alone. I was terrified all night." He shrugged. "So I held on to a tag number or two."

Joaquin scoffed, shaking his head. "Okay… if you want to hunt and call those assholes out, we do it. But if the Assassins show up, I need you to promise me you'll get the hell out of there and go straight to Gideon. I'll hold them back long enough for you to escape."

"I won't leave you to fight them alone. I never have before, and I won't now."

"We don't know how strong these fuckers are. I can't be worried about you while fighting them."

Esau knew he'd never leave Joaquin's side, no matter who they faced. "I'll leave. I promise."

He'd never lied to Joaquin before, and it tasted vile. Esau met Joaquin's stare, an odd sensation rising up his spine. Was he delusional for suggesting the plan?

Only time would tell.

"I'll run the tag numbers today and get some addresses. Then we can go check one or two out tonight and see if they're legit." People changed addresses all the time and didn't update their data in the system. They'd need to confirm targets before rushing in and hurting an innocent person.

Joaquin nodded, but Esau sensed his hesitation.

"You're the toughest fighter I've ever seen," Esau reminded him. "We can do this, Keeno. We can clean up our mess and get back to Gideon where we belong."

"There's no way to be sure the Assassins will get our message. They didn't the last two times."

"Third one's the charm," Esau murmured.